What's going on with my brain?
So I had a panic attack… four days ago. On thursday. I used to have bad anxiety when I was a teenager (I’m 22 now). I because very nausious and shaky and afraid of dying, and I also sometimes suffer from “derealization” (you can wikipedia that, I can’t make a link for some reason), and this got worse than it has ever been during the panic attack. I was eating dinner at a restaraunt when it happened, with my girlfriend. We left and went for a walk, and I… actually now can’t remember the rest of that night. I believe we went home, played som video games, I took a shower because I still felt aweful, and that made me feel a bit better. The next morning I woke up feeling better, but very shaky, and I kept thinking that I was having another panic attack. I was not, but I was giving myself anxiety worrying that I was feeling a panic attack, or the derealization coming on again.
When my girlfriend left and I was alone for the first time, I felt aweful. I felt like I was a different person, I feel strange in my own skin. It got a bi better, and then saturday I woke up feeling still worried that the anxiety would come back, but better. Then I made a mistake and went to see public enemies, as we had planned to see that for a while. That made my anxiety come back. I have not been able to eat more than a few bites since it happened, I feel nausious and like I’m going the throw up whenever I try to eat, and I still feel just… so afraid. Afraid that I’m going crazy. I feel weak and dizzy, but rationally that’s probably because I’m making myself sick worrying that I’m going to have another panic attack, and I also haven’t eaten properly in four days.
I don’t know what this is, but I feel like I’ll never feel right again. I think I’m most afraid of the derealization. I can’t be alone, I’ve become very clingy and I’m not a clingy person at all. Even now I’m afraid of getting answers to this question because I’m afraid some one will tell me I’m going insane..
I don’t even know what it is that I’m afraid of. I’m afraid of going crazy, of not loving my girlfriend anymore (She’s everything to me), of staying in this, haze, ofrever. I can’t be alone. I don’t want to do anything, but if I’m not doing anything, my mind goes into scared-freaking out mode overdrive.
So I guess my question is, is this just depression? The not being able to eat scares me the most, and my girlfriend, I’m usually the opposite of a picky eater. I’ve never thought of myself as a depressed person, I’ve just always suffered from anxiety.
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