Fluther, please help. Is what I'm feeling right now for good reason? Please read details?
Asked by
deni (
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September 6th, 2009
Yeah so this will probably be a little harsh sounding but lets get started.
I dated Bill for 2 years. We broke up 1.5 years ago. We’ve remained friends and continue to hang out, especially the past month or so, and well ok basically we’re dating but he doesn’t want a girlfriend so we don’t call it that. We just do what we do but it’s not official or whatever. Who cares right.
So Bill has a female friend named Sue who he hangs out with a couple times a week. They are good friends but when I asked him last time about if he liked her after he was flirting with her all night, he said no and that he tries to be creepy around her because she doesn’t have any interest in dating, sex, whatever. And I do know her, and she is like that a little bit, so I took his word for it.
Tonight his brother had a party, we were all there. I wasn’t drunk. He was a little, she was very. Every time I looked, they were hugging or rolling down the hill together. He didn’t really talk to any of the other people there but he swears he talked to everyone. So later we were all sleeping in his bed, six of us, I was on one side of him and she was on the other and we were all pretty close and next thing I know I feel upward and they are making out! An inch from my face! So I stated loudly “Are you guys making out?!” Neither of them said anything. I got up and drove home.
What the f? Is that strange? Would you be jealous in a situation like such? I know it’s easy to say that we’re not dating so I can’t be jealous, but he was right beside me, making out with another girl he constantly swears not to like. wtf fluther. what. the. fuck. Of course I’m probably overreacting since this just happened, but give me your input anyhow, and please try not to be rude, I’m a bit sad tonight.
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16 Answers
I’m sorry, @deni. Whether you’re his girlfriend or not, Bill is not treating you right. Who cares? You do. You broke up a year and a half ago. Maybe it is time to just let that door close.
You obviously still care about him… And I really suggest that you move on. Sure, he’s being somewhat honest with you – saying he doesn’t want a girlfriend – which could easily be the truth. But, he has no problem with unattached sex, or making out, as you witnessed yourself, and he has no problem doing it right in front of you, which is a big warning sign.
The fact that he was drunk or just a little drunk doesn’t excuse his actions. I believe that people’s true personalities manifest when drinking – and he obviously didn’t even take into consideration your feelings for him. Which is something that an “unofficial” boyfriend or true friend would do.
It’s a crappy situation and I’m sorry you’re going through it, but I really think you should spare yourself future torment and just move on now. Don’t let him get the chance to make excuses, because he’ll try. People deserve better than that, don’t you agree?
I’d probably be jealous, too. That was a jerk-ish move (however, people do all kinds of things under the influence of alcohol).
It may not be easy, but it’s time to do better for yourself. It seems like his true interest may lie elsewhere.
I really appreciate such friendly responses. I’m so pissed that I’m not even mad. It’s kinda weird.
@DrasticDreamer Yeah, i’m pretty sure I agree with you on that one. People’s true feelings do show through when they’re drunk. You ask a drunk person a question and they’ll give you an honest answer, but sober people are rarely so blunt.
I totally need to stop being around him, and I’m moving out of state in 4 months, so that will be the best thing ever, but it’s hard to not be with him now because we carpool together to work and we hang out with the same people.
Seeing them next time should be fun.
@deni, are you going to Alaska? and leaving him behind in Pennsylvania? Sounds like a good move to me.
@Jeruba Well as of now I’m moving to Boulder, CO. I could not be more excited. Yes, he will be back here in PA. I wish I was moving tomorrow somehow. I just gotta get awayyyyyyyyyy!!
@deni As Jeruba pointed out, the move will be a big help in moving on. Whatever you do, be honest with yourself, no matter how hard it is. If you allow him to, he’ll keep being there for you in certain ways and completely disregarding you in other ways.
I’ve known someone and been in a kind of similar situation for about four years. You don’t want to be in my position.
You’ll make it. Hold on. Look at him through the other end of the telescope and see how very small he is. You are going someplace and he isn’t. He’ll just be part of your history. It’s going to be all right, and you will feel a whole lot better soon.
@DrasticDreamer, it sounds to me like you have to get out too. Stop punishing yourself for past mistakes. The ache may never go away, but you don’t have to embrace suffering.
@breedmitch He clearly has, and I have too in some ways, but not all. I think it is just so easy for me to go to him when I want to be with someone that it makes it that much harder for me to stay away from him. It’s effortless and it’s easy and he’s there and I like being with him, but it’s like he’s a split personality.
I keep thinking to myself why don’t I just stop, but like I said it’s hard because we work together and ride together and I know when I move in January it’ll make it all that harder, so just all the more reason to stop right now, right?
@DrasticDreamer Well said and I hope your situation improves as well, this type of thing is not fun in the least.
Maybe this was the breaking point though, where I realize, fuck him and this situation and I don’t need it and I’m just done.
@Jeruba Yeah… I know. Well, I do and I don’t. I’ve tried before, many times.
I just got out of a pretty addictive relationship that was on and off over 5 years and just now I am getting closer. I just adjusted AA’s 12 steps to apply to me. It may seem silly, but it is really helping.
It’s really obnoxious that he did that with you beside him. Perhaps this is a sign that moving to CO is the right decision; there is nothing in the rear view mirror as you move on.
forget the zero, get yourself a hero. the guy sounds like a jerk.
You suspected, you checked it out, you saw it with your own eyes. They are into each other, maybe they were open to you joining in but it was about them.
At this point, I don’t think it matters what he said they were, it’s obviously changed.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I am madly in love with someone who moved away (1400 miles away to be exact) due to unfinished business. He asked me not to wait for him because it wouldn’t be fair to me, but what he was really saying is, “I’m dumping you and I probably won’t ever see you again”! It’s been an agonizing month of heart ache and suffering, but with good friends, family and support, I can see it clear as day now! I think you’re very fortunate to be moving and starting over. And I hope that you meet someone who geniunely appreciates you and loves you the way you deserve to be loved. Take Care, Susie
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