How can you help someone who does not want to be helped? (Long question details).

Well, since people who are depressed are typically unotivated, this can be a difficult task. Why doesn’t she want help? Does she think she is just fine, that she is not depressed? Does she think she can handle it herself? Does she think going to therapy is shameful? If she realizes she is depressed, does she have an idea why; or, is it seemingly from nowhere?

How long has she been depressed in your opinion? Can you point to a specific event that triggered it?

I think what you can really do for her is get her some help, and don’t leave her!

My boyfriend new I had depression and actually sick at the time…. it also stressed our relationship…. but he left anyway…. I’ll tell you this; it really really hurt and made me even worse for a couple of days…. but then I realised…. could it be the relationship thats just tearing me apart…. maybe it’s not meant to be?

I have depression. Deep depression too at times. It isn’t that your girlfriend doesn’t want to be helped, she believes she can’t be helped. I do too. I have been on medication since I was 17, I’m 31 now. I would rather be dead. I have a boyfriend that I think the world of, I don’t know how he copes with me sometimes. I think it is just the way I am. I don’t think I’ll ever change. I would love to sleep and not wake up. Professional help isn’t out the question but in my opinion it doesn’t work, for me. Somedays nothing has to trigger it off, I can just wake up and want to sit and cry all day. I have got worse and worse the older I get. Best you can do to help her is listen to her, try to understand how she feels. Don’t treat her like she is mental, or ill.

Ummm..would be important to know her age! Teachers or close friends would be very helpful with a young person. People my age…different!

First, can you enlist her family to help her seek treatment? She could get antidepressants from her family doctor if she does not want to do therapy. Perhaps she would go see her doctor.

Can you get her reading material on depression? Can you talk to her about how there is help for what she is feeling?

Stay with her, be supportive, let her express herself and encourage it, gently make sure she understands that help is available, help her see the “brighter” side of things, keep her engaged, stay positive, and above all keep your own mental outlook secure (can’t help pull someone up if your sinking too).

But be warned. If she genuinely doesn’t want help (big difference from not believing in the help that is available) there is nothing you or anyone else can do until that changes.

As an alternative, some people just need a swift kick in the ass, some one to tell them to stfu, stop feeling sorry for themselves, and get moving. I am NOT recommending you do this. That kind of tactic requires you know the person almost better than they know themselves and if applied incorrectly can create a life threatening situation.

@wonderingwhy I totally agree!

take wonderingwhy’s advice! D: you leave her now it will shatter her… be supportive be the one to catch her… she really needs help, and your help

I agree with Marina…make sure her family is also fully aware of this change in her state of mind and also any of her close friends as well. She needs help and may indirectly be reaching out to you. Make sure she is eating well if you can. This could be the beginning of a long tough uphill climb for both of you. Good luck

I have depression also. It went away with medication (and a lot of help from my wife) about 12 years ago. Following her death it has come back worse.

One of the major issues with depression is a sense of hopelessness and worthlessness. Any action is a battle against lethargy. You really don’t want to do anything, just sit or sleep. Without treatment, it just gets worse.

She probably can’t see any point in getting help, things just look hopeless to her. Someone is going to have to intervene to get her the help she needs. She really needs help at this point, but her depression may be causing her to push you away. You or her family are going to have to see that she gets the help that she needs.

@bean can’t emphasize what you’re saying enough, leaving will likely have extremely bad consequences! (possibly for you as well should things get worse and guilt takes hold) even when people want to shut out the world, knowing that someone is there, even if they say otherwise, can make an incalculable difference.

I don’t agree you should do what wonderingwhy said. You tell her to cheer up and it could push her over the edge. If my boyfriend said that to me, I would seriously self harm, out of frustration that he didn’t give a shit for my feelings!

@wonderingwhy yeah…. take it from me….I was so down it was extremely hard… and the worst part is your heart feels the pain, it’s all in your chest… and it doesn’t go away… because it’s all emotional stuff, it’s overwhelming…

@Dibley true, it’s not about telling her to “cheer up” it’s more about being a steading force, listening, reinforcing the positive, and allowing the other person to work through it at their pace. When you start telling people to do things they can become confrontational, which is counter productive.

Telling someone who is depressed to “just cheer up” is like telling a blind person to “just see”. They can’t do it. There is a problem in the brain chemistry that makes it impossible to sustain positive thoughts about ourselves. Sometimes medications can alter this; there are so many different medications and dosages that it can take a long time to find the right combination.

All you have told us is how you feel about her. how does she feel about you? does she love you? does she love you enough to seek help? i had this same situation with a man and a woman. he refused to seek help and she had to threaten him with divorce, before he made a move. i assume you guys are not married. you may still have to resort to threatening to leave her, if she does not contact a doctor. this may be tough for you, but sometimes this is what tough love is all about. tell her that you are threatening to leave her not because you do not love her, but that you love her too much .

@stranger_in_a_strange_land Your exactly right.

@Dibley and @stranger_in_a_strange_land totally agree as well

I have someone near & dear who suffers from bipolar & asperger’s. I think wonderingwhy hit it on the head with “If she genuinely doesn’t want help (big difference from not believing in the help that is available) there is nothing you or anyone else can do until that changes.”

I think we all want to help those we love and constantly try to find solutions/answers to help…and experience great pain/sorrow through this process. I have to remind myself that I’m not a professional in mental health.

In my personal situation, I’ve tried suggesting professional help to my loved one and have chosen to disengage my feelings so much as I know his well being is not something I can control. I will be there to the best of my ability, but I can’t care so much anymore as it just affects my own well being.

It’s obvious you care about her. You’re training makes you a better authority on the subject than I am. Even though it’s tough sometimes you give her support. Keep an eye on the situation so you can do preventative maintenance if you deem it necessary.

@jpeterson Aspergers Syndrome makes depression even worse because of communication problems. My AS makes any F2F “talking therapy” impossible. Unlike other forms of autism, AS people want relationships but can’t learn the skills to have them. It’s extremely difficult to relate to us F2F. It takes an angel like my late wife to do this.

As other people here have said the problem in alot of cases is hopelessness and apathy which can be extremely hard emotions to overcome. Depression most likely has a genetic component that creates a predisposition to certain mental health problems that require effort to overcome. The problem is it is hard to put effort into something when it seems completely hopeless. The stigma associated with depression and other mental health issues is another barrier many people face in getting help. Without outside encouragement many people never get help as long as their current situation is comfortable enough not to motivate them to get help. One suggestion would be to to try to see if she would see a counselor if you went with her and try to arrange something where both of you could go in. Another suggestion would be to see if she will talk to her family Dr. about medication which can be a good bridge to a better outlook and possibly the desire to get more help. Also here is a link to a website that suggests what to do and not do to help someone who is depressed:
http://www.stress-counselling.co.uk/counselling/depression7.htm.

Honestly, what you may be lacking is sales tactics. Go to a book store and find out how sales people influence others. Find out how to get passed defenses. How to convert apathy into a sale. This goes a long way in personal matters like this.

Thank you all for the overwhelming response. I will address each point as best as I can.

@JLeslie She knows she is depressed, but as far as I can tell has no faith in professional help and does not want to be stereotyped. She has been depressed longer than I have known her; apparently having me on the scene improved things for her.
@bean I’m not leaving, and that is a certainty. I have considered it at times, but I know I never could.
@Dibley Thanks for sharing your experience. I never treat her like she is ill, and never raise the issue when she is doing well. I also never refer to it as a defining feature of her personality or use the professional jargon.
@BoBo1946 Early 20s is all I’ll say. I’m somewhat paranoid about identity protection on the internet.
@Marina and others who mention family – this may be a good idea in general, but her family is part of the cause. They do not understand her I don’t mean to sound arrogant, sometimes I don’t either and push her at times.
@wonderingwhy She appreciates me the most when I pull her out of a spiral. I don’t believe that she genuinely doesn’t want help, but I will not put pressure on her to seek help from any other source. She is also the sort to require more of a gentle touch.
@stranger_in_a_strange_land The lethargy should be sorted soon, she is going on a big trip with a few friends so hopefully she will have a good time and return rejuvenated.
@john65pennington We used to be really strong. Our only fight in the first year of dating was on a trivial issue, and things were always really intense. Since then things have cooled off a bit, but I still think if she can pull out of this we will be strong again. I cannot use those tactics though, because she is currently questioning why I stick around and is feeling I wish there was a better word unworthy.

@DeepShadows well, I can see your worth it and so is she, she’s lucky to have you, so I really hope you can help her in any way you can, but it is really difficult, but things turn out better in the end when you make it through doing the right thing.

I wish my ex boyfriend cared about me, i’m glad you really care about her! even if you can’t be togather, don’t get to the point of ignoring her… it’s a stress taker. Thats what mine did. and he knew I had various issues… one being something called bipolar depression with mood disorder… but the relationship made it worse… and it was really bad.

People who aren’t clinically depressed cannot be helped without if they don’t want to me helped. I would say the odds of a non-family member helping a clinicically depressed person…who doesn’t want to be helped…to be slim to none.

Probably the best thing you can do is remain supportive.

You can do more than remain supportive. When I was depressed, I didn’t believe anything could help me—no drugs; no therapy. My wife was a steady voice telling me that these beliefs were part of my depression and that the drugs would help. In addition, I read materials about my condition, and this reinforced what she said.

It becomes a mantra. “Go see a psychiatrist. Go see a psychiatrist.” “Find out what meds work. Find out what meds work.” Then do the work for her. Find a psychiatrist (she won’t be able to on her own) and make the appointment for her, and then take her to the appointment and then get her prescription filled. She can’t get it together to do all that, and if it’s up to her, it will be easier to die than help herself.

She really does have a problem with brain chemistry and it really does make her unable to think constructively or to see anything in a light other than dark darkness. She should be told this over and over. It’s not her fault that she can’t get it together. Depressed people take so much blame for hurting themselves. They can’t see it any other way.

This is because our experience inside our heads is continuous. We can’t tell the difference when it changes slowly. It all feels like us. When we find ourselves in depression, we believe it is our own fault that we didn’t pull ourselves out; that we didn’t kick ourselves in the butt. To say “I can’t do that” seems like a cop out. Even people who know it’s brain chemistry still fall victim to the myth that we can pull ourselves out on our own without any help if we really want to.

Warn her, too, that the meds may not work at first. It usually takes at least a month before there is any effect (although they can help some people immediately). She has to give it time. And if the first set of meds don’t work, try more. Something, eventually, will work. It’s just that they don’t know what will work on any given individual. Prepare her for the effort, and help her with as much of it as you can. Later on, she can take responsibility—when she is capable of it.

You can help her take the blame off her own shoulders. You can offer to do the constructive things necessary to get her help, and then just do them —maybe a little “if I make the appointment and drive you there, will you go?” Constantly telling her it’s not her fault and that she has a brain chemistry disorder and it can be fixed if she lets you help her. Do it. She will be so grateful to you later. As I am to my wife, without whom, I am sure I would not be here.

@ DeepShadows What does she talk about? What are the solvable things, if there are any, that bother her?

@DeepShadows ummm….forget the teachers…..well, her parents or a close friend would be your best bet to give you support. She needs to know that others agree with you.

@flo There are no specific issues. I ask what she wants, what I can do for her, I take her out somewhere different for a day, but it seems to be a general feeling more than a specific thing getting to her.

@BoBo1946 As I said above, parents are out of the question. I don’t really want to involve anyone else at all, because she interprets my support as being patronising (which I go to great pains to avoid), so in my opinion involving friends would just drive her further under and make her less likely to share things with me.

@DeepShadows understood…...don’t have an answer then…it will all up to you to convince her!

@DeepShadows I understand, but I think the general feeling might be the accumulation of different tangeble things, that can be solved.

Gentle, support, a willingness to listen (sometimes to the same things over and over) and a gentle pressure towards treatment and self awareness. Those are probably the most effective things you can do now. Once into treatment, gentle encouraging support, help her notice improvements, as she will be unable to see them herself. It’s a long loving committment, but will bring you much closer together.