Any advice on how to increase my self-confidence and/or care less about what people think?

Look in the mirror and stare at yourself eye to eye. Staring like that requires gut, and the grit acquired in the exercise will help in you in your goal.

When you talk to people, be conscience of your body language. Are you giving off signs of neediness or insecurity? If so, stare them in the eye from time to time while they talk and coax your body into a relaxed but assertive position. Both acts will increase your courage, which in turn will decrease your personal dependence on others.

Finally, get involved in a “one person” hobby. This is one way to prove to yourself that you can be good at something from your own hard work and merit. The feeling of accomplishment will help you to become more self-reliant in the area of building up self-worth.

(These is are “in the very beginning” tips. Look to below answers for further advice. :) )

meditation
keep a journal

I was going to try to offer advice, but realized that I can’t.
I found so much self-confidence when I fell in love with the right person – happiness “from without”, which is what you need to stay away from. But I guess that experience made me realize that if others could accept me, then I could accept me, too. Maybe you need to find people who will accept you? And then maybe, once your positive self-image has been built (or rebuilt), you can venture out into the world again?
Again… This is not advice. Just thoughts.

Oh, and I should add… There are people out there who will accept you for who you are.

@shadling21 – I, too, have gotten a lot of confidence from dating people who appreciate me.. the issue is that I don’t think I can really meet anyone new to date until I feel good and confident about myself. It’s really weird.. I’m cute, intelligent, funny, caring, and (if I say so, myself) truly a catch.. yet no one wants to date me. So I figure that my lack of confidence is coming across, because I can’t figure out what else it could be.

@Spinel and @phoenyx – Thanks for your input. :)

@MissAnthrope Good luck. :)

@shadling: no one wants to date you? I doubt that, given your qualifications. I think you have a healthily acquired attachment disorder from being raised by people who don’t know how to treat kids, and now you don’t want to get close to anyone. Fair enough?

Try this: Stop taking advice from people who say, “Oh you’re fine, just pretend you have the “self-confidence” I have”. That’s useless; pretending time is over. Look harder at what actually happens on your side of relationships, keep track of your own behavior, don’t pretend you feel better than you do, tell the truth, think hard about how you may be distancing people. Maybe being difficult to approach was a good idea when you needed it.
With your family’s inadvertant help, you created that. Now uncreate it. Little by little is plenty fast enough.

If you can, I urge you to continue with your therapy (even if that means finding a new therapist). I can’t tell you how much it helped me come to accept myself. An interesting technique my therapist used was telling me about her “faults”, as they related to what I perceived as mine. I certainly didn’t respect her any less or like her any less once I was aware of her “faults”... and that really helped me see that the same should apply to me.

If not therapy, find someone you like/admire/respect and try this type of exercise with them. You list a fault, they list a fault… discuss. You’ll find that none of us are perfect, and we all have our own issues, but it doesn’t matter a whit! We are still worthy people. I, for one, know that you are. :)

@susanc – Actually, that was me that said that. And I’m not kidding, no one wants to date me. It’s something I have tried to figure out since I was of dating age, around 18 or so.

@augustlan – Thanks.. you know I respect your opinion. :) I’m kind of grieving the loss of this particular therapist; she was just so awesome and perfect for me. The truth is that I know I’m harder on myself than I am on anyone else.. I know that a lot of my perceived faults would be much less of a big deal if I saw them in other people. I’m a great friend to everyone but myself.. and I wish I could figure out a way to treat myself like I treat my friends – with kindness, empathy, and understanding.

@susanc – I was hoping you’d come back and clarify who you were referring to.. I didn’t mean to dismiss what you said. Anyway, I’m not sure if what you wrote was meant for me or for @shadling21, but I think you raise some valid points, nonetheless. I do have difficulties getting close to people and difficulties letting people in. I know I can come across as intimidating, aloof, or whatever because I’m reserved and shy to the point that people misinterpret my behavior as something else. My last two relationships, both people repeatedly complained that they couldn’t get close to me emotionally, but I chalked that up to my not feeling either relationship was right (i.e. loving them as people but not being really in love).

The thing is, even when I put myself out there on dating websites, with lots of photos and upbeat, positive things about myself, I get nothing. I’m out places and no one is checking me out, no one hits on me, just.. nada. I don’t know how to take this, even though I’ve pondered it a million times.

I don’t know if this thought will help, but what happens when you turn it around?

No doubt you have opinions and thoughts about other people. What do you think of those opinions and thoughts that you have about others? Are they harsh judgments, very critical, ridiculing, mocking? Do you fear having others see you the same way?

Or are they kind, charitable, understanding, forgiving? Don’t you think others might see you like that?

Maybe you don’t pay much attention to others as people because instead you are seeing them as judges of you, withholders and dispensers of approval. If you aren’t noticing them much, are you so sure they’re noticing you?

What happens, in fact, if instead of thinking of them thinking about you, you just think about them? Does it reduce your anxiety and self-consciousness at all if you lavish attention on others instead of thinking about what they are thinking of you?

Again, I don’t know if this is helpful. I just know that you can often see a lot by looking at something from the opposite direction. So this is just a suggestion that you consider what assumptions you are making about others and how they reflect back to you, and also whether focusing on others would just reduce your concern about how you appear. One thing is sure about other people: they love it when somebody pays attention to them.

It’s really hard. I think most people struggle with that most of their lives. I think the more pain we go through the less we care about what others think!

Why not try writing down – in two columns – the consequences if you DON’T respect yourself, and in the other column the consequences if you DO respect yourself. Then you will be able to see in black and white just how much happier you would be thinking positively. It will get better for you the more you work on this.

You have to like yourself before you can feel comfortable that other people like you.

YOU are the most important person. Feel good about YOU.

@shadling21 and @MissAnthrope Ooops! Sorry. Yes, I was talking to MsAnthrope. Thanks to both of you for correcting me so decently.

Ms A, I’m feeling stubborn about my “diagnosis” here, and I hope you can use some of this thinking. You say it’s backed up what your last two partners have felt. Okay then. You might want to do some reading about attachment and attachment disorder.

Do you actually feel, in your body and soul, a need to be close with other people? It’s perfectly reasonable for some of us to feel safer without a lot of personal contact, without intimate friendships. Yet intellectually we all understand that people are supposed to date, have friends, and so on.

You could be undeveloped in this area based on early protection strategies. Perhaps you don’t need those any more. But learning to trust, learning to relax, learning to feel safe, aren’t just a matter of deciding. You must go back to where you learned to keep your distance, and RE-learn as an adult how let down your guard one little bit at a time, when it’s justified, not just across the board. You can’t just decide to be a new way. You have to grow new skills, starting from little intimations. You’re already working on it. But you can’t successfully skip any steps.
If you go back to a therapist, choose someone who can discuss attachment.
You can do this. People do it all the time. But you have to be methodical and take small-enough steps. And you need someone to talk with who knows what you’re trying to do.
I’m very excited for you! From a safe distance, of course.

Find your niche of knowledge and wisdom. Read at least 50 books a year. Try to find out what really interests you. Dig deeper. Tell other people about it. Join communities of like-minded people in real life.

You can also increase self-confidence by being able to accept your flaws and learn from your mistakes. Embracing positive psychology might also help. This article contains plenty of links and also reading tips:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Positive_psychology

The general idea is to move from a pleasant life to a good life and finally to a meaningful life. One of the key tools is the so-called flow and I quote: ‘Flow is a state of absorption in one’s work, is characterized by intense concentration, loss of self-awareness, a feeling of control, and a sense that “time is flying.” Flow is an intrinsically rewarding experience, and it can also help one achieve a goal (e.g. winning a game) or improve skills (e.g. becoming a better chess player).’

Find a new hobby that let’s you experience flow.

Some really good thoughts and suggestions here. Thank you all very much for taking the time to help, it means a lot and I’m taking it all in. I’m also very impressed at the level of perceptiveness you guys have displayed.

@Jeruba – Wow.. really good points. I think there is definitely something to what you said. I guess I am somewhat judgmental of others, in that my critical eye is used for weeding out those I feel could hurt me. I usually worry about others judging me, what they think of me, etc. I’m going to try that, the turning that off and focusing on seeing other people without wondering what they’re thinking of me.

@susanc – I really wish I could have brought my therapist to CA with me.. she was so good and so perceptive. We talked about my difficulties in getting close to others, as well as how terribly difficult it is for me to let go of people and to say goodbye to them. I experience almost a panic when people go away, and it’s sometimes almost physically painful. It never occurred to me before that there would even be a name for it, but she kindly told me I have an attachment disorder due to the kind of messed-up childhood I had. So, you’re right on the money, it’s absolutely a protective strategy. However, it’s one that’s difficult to shed because of my mom and the fact that she will never change the things that make me want to pull back and keep people at a distance.

Honestly, I’m kind of torn. Part of me wants to go live in a cabin in the woods and not have daily contact with people, and another part of me is terrified of dying alone. I end up somewhere in the middle, where I have a small group of close friends and hope that I eventually I will find someone romantically that will be just the right fit. I honestly don’t need people on a day-to-day basis and most of the time, could be quite happy spending most of a week barely speaking to anyone. I just don’t know that it’s healthy and it’s definitely “weird” (in that it’s not what most people are like).

@mattbrowne – You’re correct on this, too. I head back to my place tonight and am looking forward to picking up some hobbies that I really enjoy. I want to get back into playing the flute and when I get my skill level back up, I want to join or create a chamber music group because I love playing with people. That’s a definite “flow” activity for me. I also want to start practicing Wicca like I used to, start hiking, that sort of thing. I’m feeling a bit isolated at the moment, in that I just moved here and have had no time to meet anyone, but I’m trying to find group activities that will help me with this.

Your ma isn’t going to change. You are. Don’t wait for her.

Being happy on your own isn’t crazy, you know. It’ll be a strength when it’s not your only option.

Being so scared when people have to leave, for reasons unrelated to their feelings for you?
You do need and deserve help sorting that out.

You’re smart, honest and fair-minded. You’re ready to re-do some stuff that you did the best way possible back when nothing better was available. TImes have changed. Be thankful for that, do some good work, and see what happens in a year or so.

I just wanted to say I love this question and the answers. Plus, I lurve you, MissAnthrope.

@MissAnthrope – Sounds interesting and promising :-)

There’s something else that can increase self confidence: finding a cause to help other people. Of course, the cause has to be right for you. There are thousands of activities which benefit other people.

You guys are making me a bit sneefy.. I’m touched that you care and that your responses were so genuine and helpful. Thank you again. ♥

@augustlan – I lurve you, too.. you’re the sweetest. ♥

@mattbrowne – Oh yeah, most definitely on the volunteering. I’m thinking of joining a GLBT mentor program around here for young gay kids. ♥