General Question

youWISHyouknewME_152's avatar

What do you say to your friend after their dad died?

Asked by youWISHyouknewME_152 (43 points ) March 17th, 2008 from iPhone

my friends dad commited suicide the other day, and he won’t talk to anyone about it. What do I say to comfort him?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

12 Answers

oneye1's avatar

sometimes thats our problem we think we have to say something or fix things just be there for your friend and when thier ready to talk listen

Lightlyseared's avatar

I doubt there is anything you could say that would comfort them. You have to let them know you are there for them when they are ready to talk about but not to push them about it.

cwilbur's avatar

Not much you can say will comfort him. Let him know that you’re there if he needs someone to talk to and vent to, and give him chances to do everyday stuff with you – going to the movies, hanging out and playing video games. Your friend may want to do ordinary things as if nothing was wrong, as a distraction, so don’t make his father’s suicide the focus of everything you say and do with him.

bulbatron9's avatar

All you can do is try to let him know you are there, and you care. I would never mention it, I would let him come to me and talk about if he chooses to. I wish the best for your friend and you!

MrKnowItAll's avatar

“I’m so very sorry for your loss”

zolmie's avatar

Say I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. I care about you, I love you and I am here for you. How can I help?
Expect that your friend may not want to talk for a while. Be persistent in keeping contact, but dont force yourself on him either. When he is ready just listen. Dont interrupt or try to fix him. He may just need you to be completly quiet and just listen. Suicide is the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with. The most helpful thing I found was a friend to listen, not judge me or try to fix me. Whatever you do dont give up on your friend even if it takes him a while to come around. When he’s ready he will appreciate your friendship and willingness to help.

zolmie's avatar

Also, I agree with cwilbur. Everyday things are important. Very important.

serenityNOW's avatar

Just stick by him. I’ve learned from experience in that I had a friend who’s wife died very suddenly and I didn’t know what to do or say so I basically stopped talking to him. I was young and overwhelmed and didn’t know that the best thing was just to stay by him. Now I miss him and the gap between us is very large. Also, I think you did the right thing by asking. Also, a very insightful book:
http://tinyurl.com/3c3ky8
It’s by an author named Kay Redfield Jamison who is an expert in her field.

ninjaxmarc's avatar

I’m sorry for your loss.
I don’t know what else to say but I’ll be here for you through this tough time.
When you need an ear I’ll be here to listen.

scamp's avatar

The others here have already said pretty much what I want to tell you. When my brother died, I was in a state of shock for a very long time. It was hard to accept that he was gone, and even harder that it was by his own hand. Everyone grieves in their own way. Some need to talk about it, while others draw within themselves. Just stay close to your friend, and let him know he can talk to you if he needs to, but don’t push him to talk about it until he is ready.

The difficult thing for me was wondering why, and trying to understand what was in my brother’s head when he pulled the trigger. then I wondered what I could have done to stop it. it took years for me to finally understand that there are some answers I will never have.

I was lucky enough to have a good friend be there with and for me throughout all of this. Sometimes, just having him sit quietly by my side was enough. There are no words you can say that will stop his grief now, but he will look back and appreciate your efforts over time. I’m so sorry for his loss, but he has a good friend in you.

filmfann's avatar

Here’s what not to say.
When my dad died, one of his co-workers pulled me aside, and said: “I know you are in a blue coller job, so I think you will understand this. Your dad could really be an asshole.”
Now, I did understand that. Sometimes, when your working, it’s amusing to act like a prick. If someone wanted to borrow a cigarette, my dad would say “It will cost you three chest hairs, and I get to pull them out”. Of course, it would be a long pull.
Still, that is not something that someone wants to hear while in the recieving line for his dead father. I got it, and I appreciate what he said now, but it wasn’t welcome news at the time.

Pat_thebear89's avatar

its best to let them have space to take in the death but let them know your there if they ever need you. Your there to listen and help.

Answer this question

Login

or

Join

to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
or
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther