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iLove's avatar

Have you ever been able to reconcile with someone who broke your heart?

Asked by iLove (2339 points ) July 11th, 2010

There’s a Fiona Apple song that I think of when I think of a guy whose heart I’ve broken more than once. In “Criminal”, she says, “I’ve been a bad, bad girl – I’ve been careless with a delicate man”

I’m afraid to report that I have done this to someone I have been connected to for over 12 years. For some reason, our paths continually cross. I feel like for the first time in years, I am healthier than ever but I’m afraid I may have “made my own bed and now I have to lie in it”. He keeps coming back as we realize the connection is stronger than either of us. I guess this is much like the story of Jeanette Macdonald and Nelson Eddy which you can read here. http://tsl.org/2010/01/when-love-is-not-enough-the-story-of-twin-flames-nelson-eddy-and-jeanette-macdonald/

I want to know, especially from men, any experience going back to a woman who broke your heart. Did it work out? Are you still together? How does it feel for a man to truly experience heartbreak?

I know men and women experience this on different levels, and I am interested in hearing from a man’s perspective how it affected their ability to have relationships thereafter.

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23 Answers

Cruiser's avatar

It’s happened twice…no luck so far. Doesn’t affect much in the way I move on. Each situation is different and if you can’t roll with the punches, don’t play the game I say.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Let’s see:

My best friend went back to his wife and she broke his heart again.

A man I dated for awhile had divorced then remarried his first wife and she broke his heart again.

My current partner divorced and then tried to marry his ex until she broke his heart again.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

I work with someone who remarried his first wife a second time, and it worked out. They’ve been married for 12 years the second time, 10 years the first time. My husband’s cousin married his high school/college sweetheart who dumped him for another guy. They got married when they were both in their 60’s.

I guess it depends on the circumstances, and if you’ve ever sincerely apologized for doing what you did, and are able to articulate what you’ve learned in the interim. Sometimes relationships fall apart the second time when the person who did the hurting wants things to go back exactly the way it was the first time, but that will never happen. The hurt changes the dynamics of the relationship, the person is changed because of the hurt.

How does he act when you run into each other? What have his other relationships been like?

iLove's avatar

@PandoraBoxx – thanks for the reply.

I have apologized profusely for the pain I have caused. From what I learned from seeing him recently, he is undeniably drawn to me but can’t stand the way I get when he pulls away from me. I admit it, I am now a stronger person but I have really felt the pain when he has shut me out for months at a time. At the same time, I understand it.

When we saw each other recently after a year of no contact, things were great and we were grooving as friends right up until I pounced on him. He rejected me. A month later than that, he came around and he pounced on me. We do silly things together, and have very unique “new age” experiences together. He even admitted to me that he has rejected other women because of that lack of dynamic energy that exists between us.

However, he has some deep deep childhood wounds of abandonment and there is a part of me that wonders if I am just a player on his stage, re-enacting the role of the abandon-er, while at the same time I am re-enacting my childhood pain of trying to get someone who can’t love me to love me. deep thoughts

PandoraBoxx's avatar

Maybe you need to sit down and talk about how he sees your relationship, and what he wants from it. Does he want more to come of it? The first thing you need to start with is good communication, commitment to trying, and then a roadmap for what a healthy relationship should look like for both of you. Perhaps couples counseling would be helpful to figure out what the boundaries are, and what the needs look like.

sharpstick's avatar

I had a girlfriend in high school who broke my heart more times than I can count. We lost touch in college, but now we’ve been married 13 years. But we both did a lot of growing up obviously. But it is possible.

wundayatta's avatar

Reconcile? I’ve never done it. Hard to believe it is possible. I suppose it depends on what you mean when you say “reconcile.”

Most of the women who ever broke my heart—I think there are three or four—simply stopped all contact. Boom. Nothing. I later became pretty cordial and respectful with one because her reasons for breaking my heart really made sense and I was somewhat mentally unstable at the time we established the relationship.

My first love was the hardest breakup I ever had. Nothing has ever been like that since. Eventually, because we had so many friends in common, we started talking a little. But then more time went by, and we totally lost touch with each other. Now there’s Facebook, and I see she is friends with some of my friends, but I have not tried to friend her, nor has she tried to friend me.

The last heartbreak I ever had was difficult for me to understand, because she just cut off contact with me with no explanation. For a while I was really angry about that. I felt like I deserved some insight into her thinking. But no. So I had to come to my own reconciliation with that. Of course, reconciliation is impossible now, but I still wonder, from time to time.

YARNLADY's avatar

My oldest son broke my heart more than once. I had to see a psychologist to get some tips and ideas how to approach him without driving him away completely. We are now on fairly good terms, but he is half way around the world, so it’s not like he’s back in my life in any meaningful way.

le_inferno's avatar

The first (and currently, the only) time I’ve had my heart truly broken was when I was 16 years old. I was head over heels in love with a boy I met online. He started seeing someone in his hometown, but even then I wasn’t alarmed. I was convinced he was only keeping her around for physical release, but was still emotionally committed to me. We carried on our relationship as usual for a couple of months, until he put his foot down. He said he wasn’t being fair to his girlfriend and we had to stop being romantic (He was very hurtful and harsh in his delivery). I was destroyed. I can’t remember a time I cried harder.

I stopped talking to him for a while. I carried around the hurt with me for a couple years. I needed constant emotional release; I wrote countless anonymous confessions about him on a certain website, talked to friends, etc. I couldn’t move on. There was even a time where, about a year after the break, he lured me back in. We began talking, he said “I love you” again, and we seemed to be back as we were (even though he was still with the gf). But then he told me he only loved me as an intimate friend, wasn’t sure of his feelings, was in a painful relationship that left him calloused and closed. Needless to say, I was again hurt and confused. He said, “It’s just not the same.”

Now, at age 19, I’ve finally moved on. I’ve found another man. He’s still with the girlfriend, but he is miserable. She abuses him, treats him like shit, makes his life unendurable. Within the past 6 months, he’s called me on a fairly constant basis. He has said that those phone calls are the highlight of his day. He considers me his best friend; we’ll always be there for each other. So have we reconciled? Yes. He’s hurt me, but I’ve healed, and we’ve moved forward to become strongly bonded friends. Our love affair gave us a rich history that makes us close. My best friend recently joked, “So, you think you guys are gonna get married?” Honestly, I can envision us together sometime in the future. I think we could be very happy. I won’t bank on it, but I’m definitely at peace with the idea. He’ll always have a place in my heart.

Aster's avatar

yep; the idiot did it to me twice & I went back once.

yeaiknow's avatar

Yes I have made up with someone that broke my heart. She straight up stopped talking to me. I do not know how i was able to talk to her again especially since I would never care for her like that again. She went from exclusive with me to another guy like nothing and when we talked again at the end of the summer she just kept apologizing. I felt bad for her because she is so twisted and is uncapable of loving another person. So you can make up with someone as long as you know the limites and where you would like it to lead. Just make sure you do not hurt the person again.

Tomfafa's avatar

As for me… no way. Break my heart, I can never ever forgive. Or forget. In matters of the heart I am very gullible… I don’t fool with anybodys’ feelings. With friends I am very forgiving. I am still single…

Mikewlf337's avatar

I still haven’t been given the chance to roconcile with the one who broke my heart. I don’t think she even wants to see me. Much less speak to me. My heart is still broken and I fear it will stay that way. I never felt worse emotional pain. It was so painful that the emotional pain turned to physical pain. I never want to experience that again. I fear that if I see her again that she will break my heart even more. It is already in pieces. I want to reconcile but I think she I feel that she doesn’t care. I mean nothing to her.

misst's avatar

Each time I went back to an ex I was treated worse than the first time.
If you can not communicate in a way that does not cause an argument there is no chance.

GTL222's avatar

You have to work through your problems, but i understand some people try to but one person is always trying to start an arguement! if you really love that person you give them another chance, if not then cut it off, if theres still something there & you know that they wont break your heart again then see what happens, life is all about giving people chances. But some people can tqake advantage of that and they think your always gonna be there when they want you.

sarahjane90's avatar

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice – shame on me.

Smashley's avatar

Only had it broken the one time and no, real reconciliation has not been possible in the year since she left. I was emotionally destroyed for a while, feeling like an absolute failure. The love was there, and though our lives were all messed up, up until the very end, I was convinced that the love was enough. It wasn’t. Desperately I proposed crazy things (that I really would have followed through on) to get us back together, but she would have none of it. She’d slipped right from our 5 year relationship into another long term deal, and had written me off.

We’ve been able to talk a few times, but real conversation about real topics was never one of our strong suits together. We conversed merrily as if nothing was wrong, and then it ended. No mention of the money she owed me, no talk about the internet posts about what a bad lover I was, just happy bullshitting. That was six months ago and besides the usual passive-aggressive shit-slinging at me, there has been little to no contact. Now she’s getting married and starting a new life, and somehow I doubt we’ll ever meet again. Pity we couldn’t resolve our differences in a more amicable way, but as I remind myself, these are the things about our relationship that would have poisoned our future had we stayed together. I wish her good luck, and look to my own future and happiness. I wanted her back once, but a year on, I can truthfully say that if she ever came back to me, I would refuse. Almost like a drug withdrawal, really. Once it’s gone, you want nothing more than to have it back, until it works itself out of your system and you think clearly and realize what a toxic influence it was in your life. Happy trails, dow.

SincereNyc's avatar

Don’t fall into my scenario please, been involved for about 10 years, broken up for like 5. Let me just tell youat the the moment, it may seem possible you could be friends, but in the long run, if you guys can’t truly clear the air to see if it would be really possible to have a future together by him REALLY wanting it to work out , then there is no point. Fugget the friend bit, mourn him for no longer than a week, Pray first, then get some icecream and a anonymous therapist and then a new man who worships the ground you walk on. Realize then, you are better and prettier and are worth it, just the way you are. Peace.

suzanna28's avatar

yes by moving on with your life and forgetting about them

By being a strong and independent person you help yourself to heal of the pain

Never let another human being influence your happiness levels.. Life is too short.

give_seek's avatar

I was good friends with a guy who was in love with a woman who broke his heart so many times, it was painful to watch. I think he was addicted to the pain she caused. He finally “got the message” after coming close to suicide.

As for me, I dated a guy who broke my heart. I ended our relationship. Then, I took him back. He broke my heart again.

Maya Angelou says, “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

Hibernate's avatar

Yes but it took a lot of forgiveness [ and a lot of time so I can see the other person truly wanted to be forgiven ].

Broken2long's avatar

I don’t think you can really be friends with person who broke your heart. My ex-girlfriend made me see life in a different way and I thought I had experienced love until I met her. Then we get laid off from our job and breaks up with me. When I go to my new job, shes also there to start. Also my supervisor to be is a new hire As me and her…. And she hooked up with him after work one day she was back w me and said she still loved me. I caught them having sex after work and stopped talking to her. a few months later she gave me a letter that basically said I’m sorry and the next week she quit. I think she gave me the note to get it off her mind but it was too late. The letter meant nothing at the time but it’s her last words So for 3 years I kept it in my wallet. She hurt me so deep that new relationships mean nothing to me. It still hurts and never heard from her again.

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