Social Question

poofandmook's avatar

Is it wrong to hide in my apartment during my roommate's party?

Asked by poofandmook (17230 points ) July 18th, 2010

My roommate is throwing a small surprise birthday party for his husband. I was planning on hiding since I was sick, but I feel a thousand times better now, and I went to a movie and dinner with a friend yesterday. But, I still don’t want to go downstairs for this party. I saw my roommate already and gave him a birthday card and such.

The friends that are coming I’m familiar with; I’ve lived here nearly three years already… but I guess because the party is in my home, when they have gatherings I get a little agoraphobic and prefer to stay upstairs. That’s fine for a regular old get-together, but this is a birthday.

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18 Answers

janbb's avatar

Why don’t you ask your roommate and his husband how they feel about you staying out of it? They are presumably the only ones whose feelings concern you. But if you do ask, you have to be prepared to go if the answer is that they want you there.

tinyfaery's avatar

I have to go to an engagement party tonight, and I am so not feeling it. I have social anxiety, plus I am feeling nauseated today. But, I’ll go if you go. It will be good for us. :)

If you are really not up to it, don’t go. Real friends will understand.

rebbel's avatar

What worked for me, when i was still ‘suffering’ from social anxiety, was telling exactly how i felt.
I would (and did so myself) go to the party if i were you, and after you have congratulated the birthday boy, tell him that you really don’t feel fine when in the company of big groups of people, and excuse yourself that you will go back to your room after you finished your one drink.
The fact that you know for yourself beforehand that you will only stay for some minutes, could give you a nice boost of courage to do so.
It did in my case.

Austinlad's avatar

I feel your pain. Centuries ago, I was a shy kid, scared shitless of groups of people. My mother, bless her, encouraged me to attend the party or whatever, see if I liked it, and if I didn’t, say goodbye to the host and leave. Most of the time I wound up staying and having a ball. Over the years, my shyness receded (though never left me completely), and today, older and wiser, I go only where I want to go.

Marva's avatar

“Wrong”?
It’s how you feel….
Isn’t it wrong for someone to think you should act other than the way you want? or for you to think that….

Symbeline's avatar

I don’t think it’s wrong. If you don’t want to attend the party, just don’t. Hopefully they won’t feel upset by it, and will understand that you’re not up for it. But don’t be forcing yourself to do something if you don’t wanna.

mponochie's avatar

I think if it wouldn’t be too much of an issue for you should make a brief appearance and than retreat to you separate quarters. Putting yourself through the process of being social when you are not feeling it could hamper the party more than your absence on the other hand you might find you enjoying yourself with a brief appearance and decide to stay.

janbb's avatar

You could definitely use the fact that you are still recuperating to stay away or to go and just stay for a few minutes if that is what you prefer to do.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

As someone with debilitating social anxiety (which at this point has me homebound) I am probably probably not the best person to reply to this.
But, I will say that I think the habit of hiding way or avoiding social situations for no specific reason is probably not very healthy.. in which case I think you should at least show your face for a bit. You don’t have to hang out the entire stretch of the event, but it will be good for you to go against your feelings even for a little while.
I think the more we give into these feelings of retreat – the more they become serious habits.
Just my two cents.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

It’s not wrong but it will probably make them feel slighted. Plan something outside the apt. so you can make a short polite appearance and then excuse yourself. Remind them gatherings get you a bit flustered but that you luv them and hope the rest of the evening is grand.

casheroo's avatar

I’m a lot like you, but usually blossom once actually at the party for a little while. Maybe mingle for a bit, if you want. But, I don’t think it’d be rude to stay in your room.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

“Trent, I hope you don’t think it’s rude, but is is okay if I just wish Terry a happy birthday and then disappear…? I have (work to catch up on? things I need to take care of?)” or “I am really awful in social situations. You know how much I care for both of you, but I’m going to go upstairs and read/write/call it a night early.”

I would go downstairs, mingle a bit….after you know that everyone has arrived…so you aren’t sitting downstairs having to entertain three people while waiting for more. And then just wish Terry a “very happy birthday” and disappear quietly upstairs.

wundayatta's avatar

Pump up on your anti-anxiety meds and go. You belong there.

I hope that doesn’t sound flip. I believe in using drugs where appropriately prescribed to help deal with unpleasant mental issues. I think it’s important for you to celebrate your roommate’s birthday. I think that if you do have social anxiety disorder, then desensitization might be able to help. I think some of the other suggestions you’ve heard here might be appropriate, too.

It’s ok to be shy. It’s sort of ok to feel like no one wants to talk to you. But please don’t act that way. Fake it. Fake like you’re the queen of the castle. Remember, most other people feel a bit like you do, anyway. Parties can be hard for people who don’t know others, and surely there are some there. All you have to do is find one, and then stand by the chip bowl with them, talking for the rest of the night.

poofandmook's avatar

I went downstairs briefly, made a lap around the house and backyard, found David and he was fine with it, and that was it.

I’m glad I wasn’t down there… way more people than there were supposed to be lol

janbb's avatar

Sounds good, poof.

rebbel's avatar

As small a thing it seems to some, that was a great decision you made to go to the party.
Well done, @poofandmook !

CMaz's avatar

You hide whenever you like to or want to.

And, don’t think any more about it. :-)

john65pennington's avatar

I understand you are just trying to be cordial, but half this house, apt, etc,, is still yours.

Ask your room mate for his advice. Then, act accordingly.

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