Social Question

trailsillustrated's avatar

Should I stay or should I go? (sorry it's long)

Asked by trailsillustrated (16789points) March 30th, 2011

I have been married for five years to a pretty successful businessman. I left two months ago because he had really bad, scary, screaming anger rages. My daughter left too, back in November, because of the stress in the household. (she was home sick, too). For these two months he had a settlement all laid out, ($800.00 a month for 6 months), continually asked if I was looking for a job, knows I’m on foodstamps. ( I have been a housewife). When I left, he immediately cancelled my cell phone and emptied my bank account. I got another cell phone and he couldn’t close my bank account because they wouldn’t let him but he did drain it. A close family member loaned me the money to engage a high profile solicitor and I had my husband served with divorce papers. He immediately started begging me to come back, has been calling me, begging to see me, leaving roses on my car etc. He has said he will go to anger management. He has made from 130,000 to $400,000 during the five years we were married. We lived a comfortable life but I certainly wasn’t shopping everyday and didn’t spend alot of money. He tells me he is broke and has nothing but the house, which is underwater he says, and a couple thousand dollars worth of stock. (he is vice-president at a publicly traded company). He says now I can bring my teen-age children over, both of them, which he previously didn’t want. If I divorce him I am going back to where my children are. I am so confused, I’m feeling crazy. Why did he not say all this before he was served? (my family thinks he is hiding something) I don’t know what to do any thoughts?

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41 Answers

BarnacleBill's avatar

Ouch. Sorry you’re going through this. It sounds like he is a major control freak.

Asking you come back is a way of protecting assets, because he can stand to lose a lot more than $800.00 a month. You are probably going to want to stick to your original plan. He is going to have to disclose all of his retirement funds, assets, etc. Is the house in his name only, or both of yours? Didn’t you once mention that you went to dental school, or am I confusing you with someone else?

Being dependent on an untrustworthy person is a pretty scary place to be. Developing self-reliance will be critical to getting through this.

trailsillustrated's avatar

no its me but it was 100 years ago, he didnt pay for it and I haven’t had an active license in years. The house is in his name only.

BarnacleBill's avatar

He is saying all this only because you served him. It’s his pity party. You can pretty much find out the financial solvency of the company if it’s publicly traded. They have to file financial statements.

Nothing has changed for him, except that you are probably going to legally tap into his assets, and if he is hiding something at work, it’s going to be exposed by an audit. He will probably have to refund the money he cleaned out of the account. That alone is not the action of someone who cares about your well-being. Hang in there.

CaptainHarley's avatar

This guy sounds like he’s about one hamburger short of a Happy Meal! If you can stand it financially, I strongly recommend you ditch him!

Dutchess_III's avatar

Honey…go. He’s playing you. He’s dragging you further and further in…and, I hate to say this, but you have a chance to break free. If you let him drag you back in you might not get the chance again. He’ll know where to block you in advance.

@CaptainHarley She can stand it financially….from experience, I know she can. It will take some belt tightening but I know that @trailsillustrated is smart enough to handle it. A women’s life shouldn’t depend on “whether she can handle it financially.”

I’ll be thinking of you honey…I’ve been there…..Now, go.

chyna's avatar

It’s just a tactic to get you back. Not because he loves you, but because he doesn’t want to part with his money. If he was totally honest about anger management classes and wanting to prove to you his love, he would’ve started them on his own, and not use it as a bargaining tool. He needs to take those classes regardless of the outcome of your marriage, from what you have told us.
He may also be afraid what a high profile divorce will do to his stock.
I know this is a hard decision and harder when you have no money, but it can be done. I started from dead broke after my divorce and within 3 years bought a house.

Dutchess_III's avatar

X2 @josie. Go. You’re in a fuddle. It will become clear before long (if you stay away) and you’ll wonder why you even had to ask.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@chyna Nice! Me too, only it took me 6 years!

trailsillustrated's avatar

that’s the thing- the only way I can get enough money to get home is to sue him! and if what he says is true, then I’ll be screwd and won’t be able to bring my kids back either! I’m terrified sorry guys thankyou for your help can it be possible that he did just spend almost a million dollars in five years? we did not live an expensive type lifestyle.

chyna's avatar

He’s most likely hiding it or has spent it on something he should not be doing: drugs, gambling, another woman, another man. He’s probably afraid you’ll find out his secrets, and there has to be secrets if has spent that much money with nothing to show for it.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Could be drugs.
What do you mean you can’t get home or bring your kids back either? I missed something…you’re very welcome. You’re among friends….

Neizvestnaya's avatar

You must be made of strong stuff. If it were me in your shoes then I’d be hurt and insulted all over again about the kids, because only now does he want to let them be around. I’d find it hard to believe he could ever muster genuine care, congeniality or love even if he did do all he says. I’d also suspect he’s in trouble financially because of some gambling or philandering somewhere- that’s a goodly income to live modest by and if he’s underwater, something has gone very wrong.

Why stress yourself out more than you have to, why would your kids want to go where they don’t really truly feel welcome? Ick. I’m sorry you even have to deal with this.

trailsillustrated's avatar

@Dutchess_III i’m australian my kids are there- i can’t live with out them, anymore. my daughter came but went back it was too wierd I guess- so yeah I want to go back

Dutchess_III's avatar

So….the kids are in Australia and you’re stuck in the States (for now.) Is that right? Assuming that’s right, if you go back to him he’ll make damn sure you never get back to Australia any time soon…..... I need to hear more specifics….

trailsillustrated's avatar

@Dutchess_III yes- he’s taken me back twice, to see them- my daughter came over but went back, then my son wanted to come, and he (my husband) freaked out- I left shortly after. My kids want me to come back. So right now, after he’s been served, he’s telling me we’ll send for my children, he’ll get help with his anger, we’ll build on to the house (to make room for both of my children, etc. how sorry he is, all that- just begging. They are 15 and doing the things 15 year olds do. I am in a panic to get back to them or bring them here- but it’s like, why did I have to formally serve on him for him to be ok with it? I feel like, if I sue for enough, I’ll just go-but if he’s really broke then I am screwed

ninjaapantz's avatar

He’s counting on the fact that you will come back & miraculously there wont be money issues at all as long as you comply. He’s a manipulator & it’s sounds like he’s mentally abusing you, hence your confusion. Just you wait, a few weeks/days in & his scary side will be back. It’s up to you if you still want to be on this ride, but there’ll be a day when you can’t walk away & you will feel like you’ve lost your life, identity, your kids, family, friends, even just walking down the street will be an issue because just maybe it will make him angry.

He’s doing this now because you took a stand & walked out on him. He thought he owned you. Keep on walking or he’ll take your life. What ever you do from now on, make sure you are in a safe place, don’t ever be alone with him & bring someone along or at least have a tape recorder. Better to be safe than sorry.

And you can bet the presents & attention that he’ll shower you with now will get even more lavish. It’s what they do – manipulate you & use you.

trailsillustrated's avatar

@ninjaapantz I am savin this page to read over and over. thankyou

ninjaapantz's avatar

@trailsillustrated Pleasure, I’ve been there & walked away alive on more than one occasion. I’m happy to say, I’m now married to the best guy in the world that know’s what love is & tries his best to be open & communicating.

trailsillustrated's avatar

thanks evabody- has helped to still my shaking hands a little and made me feel a little less desperate

john65pennington's avatar

When you go fishing, what do you put on the hook? Bait! This is where he is coming from. To get you to come back to him, in order not to have to pay you money.

I would give his suggestion some very serious thought, before making a wrong decision. You never said what was wrong with him. What was causing his anger? Some people have a racing heart and that makes them angry most of the time. Could this be his problem/\.

Its a big step for you to take going back to a hell situation. Think about everything, before you say yes.

CaptainHarley's avatar

@trailsillustrated

Courage, hon! [ HUGGGGS ]

Dutchess_III's avatar

Deep breath @trailsillustrated! @ninjaapantz has it right. They all have it right. Give it a few days, or a couple of weeks and things will change again, up and down, better and worse according to his jack-ass barometer…but stand firm and you’ll still be in charge of where you are right now…still in charge and in control of yourself. And you’ll still be in control of your future, even if it won’t happen as jack-rabbit fast as you wish it could…..sleep now….We’re all here, thinking of you…..Handclasp @CaptainHarley, @john65pennington, @ninjaapantz, @Neizvestnaya, @chyna, @josie, @BarnacleBill

trailsillustrated's avatar

thanks so much evabody- even now he is calling me and calling me- it’s driving me crazy. I’m so upset I am shaking. My worst thought is…,maybe i’ll sue him and get nothing and then be stuck here forever…cleaning houses or something or pumping gas- and what about my children!pardon I am freaking out

marinelife's avatar

He is manipulating you so as not to lost assets.

The man of the screaming rages and the canceling of the cell phone and draining the bank account is who he is.

If he was sincere, he would already be enrolled in anger management. He would have suggested counseling.

Do not go back.

trailsillustrated's avatar

thanks @marinelife – I am sorry all, to keep on but I am scared to death. Thankyou, again

marinelife's avatar

@trailsillustrated You can contact your attorney regarding all of this unwanted contact. You can get a restraining order. Change your phone number.

Judi's avatar

Stay away and let the attorneys figure it out. Where do you live? The advice might be different depending on where you live. Also, how long have you been married?

ninjaapantz's avatar

@trailsillustrated Note your words – ‘I am scared to death’. Do something about this. It’s not just you at stake here. You have kids. Never mind the money, the reputation of yourself or of anyone else. His mission now is to destroy you & if you go back, it’s to control you. And if you stay away from him – he will do his utter best to control you & do as much harm to you as possible. If he has a public persona (ego) to protect – he’ll do things to hurt you so that others don’t see… Emotional abuse, financial abuse, neglect of duty, etc. And if he physically hurts you – he’ll do it where others don’t see, e.g. on the inside of you arms nearer to your arm pits, on the sides of your torso near the arm pits etc. THIS IS NOT LOVE. The number 1 priority is to keep yourself safe, number 2 is your kids. If he’s like this he shouldn’t even be on your top 100 list.

ninjaapantz's avatar

I’m not sure where you live but in certain countries like Canada (and I’m sure more). If a spouse sponsors a wife/husband to immigrate to the new country. There’s a pledge you take & sign to honour the agreement so that the sponsor will care & look after the spouse within reasonable normal healthy limits. This is to protect each party involved, so that abuse of each other & of the government hopefully doesn’t occur. There are free services & agencies for people just like you. Find out if there’s any services in your area if money is an issue.

trailsillustrated's avatar

@Judi I have been legal here for almost 20 years although I did not live here all that time.

Judi's avatar

Divorce laws are different in different states. That’s why I was wondering which state.

captainsmooth's avatar

If you’re scared to death its time to go.

It will vary from state to state, but in the end, it’s all kind of the same.

You were a housewife, so he owes you half of the marital assests from your time together, house, retirement money, savings, whatever else he purchased. He will also probably owe you more than $800 a month for alimony, for a couple of years anyway.

He wants you back because keeping you is cheaper than getting divorced.

You deserve better.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@trailsillustrated Go to college on a Pell Grant. Get a degree in something.

trailsillustrated's avatar

@Dutchess_III I am desperate to get home. My dilemma is getting nothing, being stuck here forever alone without my children because I need money to get back and rent a house etc. I also feel terribly terribly confused because he has escalated the barrage of texts, emails, and phone calls that I feel really guilty and he has told me I am hurting him worse than he has ever been hurt in his life because I won’t return. He has offered to send me to see my children tomorrow. I feel just terrible thanks for listening

chyna's avatar

Take him up on that and don’t come back if that is your only way of getting to be with your kids.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@chyna I agree…..but only @trailsillustrated can decided if he’s serious, or it’s just a ploy to get her back, and he has no intention of following through…

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