Need some ideas on how to encourage my kids to clean up after themselves?

Stop giving them food and privileges.

It is not possible. I still have sons, grandsons and husbands leaving them out. I finally decided to give up caring, and do it myself. I occasionally make them do extra work around the house to compensate, but it’s just not worth the aggravation to try to change them.

My mom finally got an extra set of dishes just for us kids. She kept her clean ones in the locked china cabinet. We had to clean the other stuff if we didn’t want to eat off dirty dishes.

The mess drives me a bit batty. I’ve had fleeting thoughts of piling the dishes and empty milk containers and such on their beds.

Don’t provide the food. Simple. Unless they pay for their own food, then don’t provide the space to eat.

Been there. lol
You have to find a middle ground, but give it up on the perfection. Not gonna happen.

Maybe give them a group incentive, if they can all keep up on the basic courtesies you will ‘reward’ them with a trip to an amusement park, or something along those lines.

A group reward or individual reward with a cap for each, but only after some WEEKS of consistency.

One was bad enough but with 3 you have to find a mutual rewards that works for mulltiples. haha Good luck with this!

Stop asking and start demanding. You don’t need to encourage them you need to show them and tell them exactly what you expect them to do. Then don’t let them leave the house or get privileges (like having a cell phone, using the computer for anything except supervised homework, a car, or watching TV or listening to music or participating in sports or whatever else floats their boat) until they do what you tell them to do. If they currently get an allowance, stop that at once, until this situation is rectified.

Hold a family meeting and make sure that your husband or SO is 100% on board with you about this. If you don’t see eye to eye with your spouse about this situation, then the battle is already lost. Take them into the kitchen and tell them and show them exactly what you expect them to do, no matter how much they moan and groan. You’re the adult here. It’s your home, it’s your rules and you need to teach them how to grow into a responsible, respectful adult.

After you’ve told them and shown them exactly how you want things to be done, draw up a chart that lists each child’s name with the days of the month and each of their tasks written up clearly and concisely and put it right on the refrigerator door so that everyone can see it. Let them know that they not only need to finish the task at the appointed time and day, it needs to be done to your specifications and satisfaction and they need to mark off each task that they do. This will not only get them in the practice of doing the task (so they can’t claim to have forgotten) it lets you know for certain that the task has been done. Let them know that you will be checking up on their work to make sure that they are actually doing it. Immediately start saying Thank you, honey” to them when they do the tasks correctly. If they refuse to do the tasks, or don’t do them correctly (due to laziness, rather than some type of developmental problem if they have any) remind them that they won’t be going out of the house or getting any other privileges until they do what you expect.

There is no need to yell or threaten them. Explain to them that because they are members of a family that lives and uses this house, that you are providing for them, it’s everybody’s responsibiliy to pick up the slack and carry their own weight and that you are not anybody’s servant. Let them know that you love them and want to teach them how to grow up into responsible adults who people will respect, but right now you realize that they have been allowed to be lazy and irresponsible and disrespectful to you and your spouse and your home and you won’t allow it anymore. That’s all.

Try not to let yourself get flustered or start crying or start yelling, that will make this whole situation worse. Also, do not be wishy washy and make sure that you and your spouse are 100% in agreement about this, or else this won’t work. Just be very plain and matter of fact about how things are going to change in your household and what you expect from them.

If one of these kids balks and starts making stupid statements like, “You suck and I’m not going to do it.” Calmly let them know that you will be contacting all of their friend’s parents, their teacher, their guidance counselor and their pediatrician and letting them know what they (the kid) said. Hopefully you won’t have to resort to that, but put that threat out there and then follow through with it if you have to. It’s not like any one of those authority figures can actually do anything about it, or punish them, but the embarrassing thought of having all of those people know what a lazy lout you are is not very appealing to most kids.

Good luck : )

P.S. Start watching (rent them if you have to) episodes of the Supernanny with Jo Frost. She knows her stuff, she’s no-nonsense, she’s kind and she gets results.

I have lowered my expectations. But today, for example, I walk into the kitchen and there were 3 empty 4 litre milk containers on the counter. I saw two there last night and I squashed down the impulse to clean it up.

A few months back, when I was getting my kids to clean prior to a party we were having, my eldest son complained, “We’re not being true to ourselves by cleaning up.” I looked at him and told him, ”You may be a slob but I’m not so it’s your truth and not mine.”

If my kid would have said what yours did, I would have first reminded him that this house is my house, and until he’s 18 and living on his own, that he will have to follow the rules or else we will have to make some other arrangements for him, maybe moving in with another relative or being made a ward of the state. I would then use my threat about calling up his friends parents, teacher, counselor and pediatrician and letting them know what he said.

If you play it off like it ‘s kind of OK what they say, or it’s kind of OK if they don’t clean up, then that is all you will ever get.

You don’t have to be a mean ogre of a mother, you just need to make it clear exactly what you expect, then demand that they do it, or else they’ll need to find other living arrangements.

I completely agree with both of @Kardamom‘s posts. While I don’t have children, I was one once, and what she recommends is exactly how my mother handled it. The problem got solved. State the problem, the expectation and then the repercussion for not adhering to the rules. Then follow through with it.

In the meantime, here is a clip from Bill Cosby – Himself. It might give you a much needed laugh.

Don’t cook. Give them money to buy their own food out there (if you still think it’s your responsibility as their parent, deliberately putting your kids to starve is considered as neglecting). Or buy take-home food that is easy to dispose.

Let them know if they want their delicious, healthy momma’s food they must agree to clean after their own messes.

HAVE. A. COMPLETE. MELTDOWN.

My mother concurs with this advice. ^

@Your_Majesty I just had to giggle when I read your response. All of my cousins and my nephews would be thrilled to eat take out food every day of the year, but that doesn’t solve the problem of the kids not learning how to be responsible and respectful and not give into their laziness. Your method just teaches them that if they act like jerks, they’ll get whatever they want.

@Kardamom I did tell him that he could live any way he liked when he was on his own and that it was my house: my rules.

Teens are a pain in rear sometimes.

@Kardamom I see this question from different perspective, I see it as maintaining the rules in your house, not educating the children (as they’re probably old enough to have known the consequences of their action, and they have their own idea of ‘appropriate chores’), therefore my only desire is to help a housewife to keep her house, and dinner situation nice and tidy.

Oh how I resemble this question. In my case though I have 1 neat freak child (bless her heart) and 2 messy type kids.
I have done everything I can to explain to the oldest (14 yr old who routinely leaves dirty dishes EVERYWHERE.. including her bedroom and all communal rooms in the house) that having curdled chocolate milk at the bottom of her cup that sits in her BATHROOM for over a week is not acceptable…and is just GROSS.

If she doesn’t clean her room and bring up her dirty clothes, they don’t get washed and she has no clean clothes. Easy enough to get her to bring up laundry now..she gets tired of having no clothes. (Tho, honestly…she drags them up once every 10 days…almost always after I have finished all other laundry in the house. <sigh>)

Our latest attempts to get her to be somewhat tidy include this tactic: taking away her cell phone. It’s a fate worse than death…to miss texts from her friends.
So, when all else fails we tell her clean OR ELSE (...lose the phone)... and for now this is working.

My wife and I have seven children ranging from 15 down to 3 years old; we know what you are up against. Training never ends. It must begin early. Our three year old is made to pick up toys, throw out trash, and take care of his dirty plate after meals. Unfortunately, children must be told what to do until they take responsibility and find value in the things we ask of them. Some pick up on it faster than others, and they all are different in what they deem important. Some of my children would never wash their hands before a meal unless they were told. Yet, we have one boy who can’t stand to be dirty. Our fifteen-year-old would bury himself in empty water bottles in his room if we didn’t routinely check on the kids’ rooms.

The hardest thing is consistency: not your children’s, but yours. You have to be consistent until they learn or until they get married and leave home (then it will be their spouse’s head ache). If you have a punishment for not completing chores, you must stick to your guns. If you said they couldn’t watch TV until they picked up their rooms, then that is the law.

I try to make work fun. And I NEVER ask my children to do anything that, I myself, am not willing to do. I ALWAYS look for opportunities to praise my children. Nagging doesn’t do anything, but tick your kids off and strengthen rebellion. Kids need to know and hear that you love and appreciate them.

Believe it or not, children desire to feel like they are a part of the family. One way to fulfill that desire is to give them responsibility.

One more trap we fall into is doing work that our children could be doing just because “I can do the job faster and better.” It is easier to do the job yourself than to train your child to do it and they will not do it as well, but you HAVE to let them do it.

the end of this rant…sorry

Speaking from personal experience as someone who has been the lazy, messy teenager: let their mess speak for itself.

If you let their mess build up, they’re going to notice. No clean silverware! Tons of dirty clothes! When they realize it’s not going to clean itself and neither are you, they’ll find that they have to take responsibility for it if they want it done.

Not sure if this is foolproof because some people might be able to live with their mess without any qualms, but I think it works in a lot of cases

@martianspringtime It doesn’t work that way in my house. When all the dishes are dirty, they just switch to the supply of disposable plates, bowls and plastic tableware. I charge them for the cost of the disposables, but that doesn’t encourage them to clean the dishes.