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rachelanne's avatar

I need relationship advice?

Asked by rachelanne (4points) February 13th, 2013

yesterday would have been me and my ex’s 2 year anniversary. We had some problems (really minor and we both agree is stupid) and he ended up moving away after we broke up. we didnt talk for a few weeks and we started talking again. He still loves me more then anything and hasnt dated anyone else, neither have I. we’ve been kind of in a long distance relationship (skyping every night for hours, saying I love you, doing all the stuff we used to do as bf and gf) but everytime I mention getting back together like officially, he says “why do you need to put a title on it? I like what we have now”. Thing is, I like what we have now too but I want more, I want him to be my boyfriend again, I’m moving there to be with him. He says i’m the one he wants to marry, and he could never love anyone more then me, but if thats true, why wont he be my boyfriend again? He tells me not to worry when he hangs out with girls or anything like that. Its just, Im getting worried that he’s using me or something or stringing me along. I love him so much, I want nothing else but to marry him one day. I just want him to make it official. It makes me cry all the time because I miss him so much and he’s hanging out with so many other girls, and he has a date for his grad :(

What do I do? :’( Help

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5 Answers

ETpro's avatar

@rachelanne Welcome to Fluther and thanks for lifting an old man’s spirit. Every time I get irritated about being an old, dried up guy who can’t afford enough Viagra to make a difference, I just need to read a hand-wringing lament like yours to remind me of what I have escaped in getting old. :-)

My first reaction is to say, “It is what it is.” Let it be. Move where he is and see if he ever wants more too. You also are under no obligation to meet all his needs while he refuses to meet yours. If all he wants is friends with benefits, and you want serious commitment, cut off his benefits.

The one advantage of being your age and not mine is that the saying, “This too shall pass.” is still fully operational for you, and you have plenty of time to find other pastures if it passes away instead of blossiming into what you want it to be.

What the two of you have right now WILL change. If it changes in a way you like, keep the pedal to the metal. If it heads, as I fear it will, in a less desirable direction; there’s plenty of time to say, “You know what, we were right to split up the first time. Let’s make that our official status.” However warm and cozy this guy may be, if he isn’t the least bit interested in meeting or even knowing about your emotional needs, he’s a selfish prick. Lots of us guys are, and through no fault of our own. We don’t set out to be selfish. We’re just so clueless about emotional needs that we end up being selfish pricks without knowing that’s what we are.

What do you do? Wait and see. In due time, the right path will be abundantly clear to you.

seekingwolf's avatar

He doesn’t want to make it official and he’s hanging out with lots of other girls. The writing is on the wall: he’s using you.

Hint: whenever a guy says that you don’t need labels, it means that he doesn’t actually want to be your boyfriend. He doesn’t want the commitment. He doesn’t want the title. He doesn’t want these girls to know.

You’re being played.

Ela's avatar

I agree with @seekingwolf.

I’d say he wants his cake and eat it too. Not committing (saying he’s your boyfriend) keeps him in the game he is playing (open to be other girls). And honestly, it sounds like a big game. A mind game. Which, I believe, is one of the worst kinds to get caught up in. Mind games totally mess with your head and emotions.

I think some men (as do some women) have to have the attention of the opposite sex (or whatever sex they desire). He may be one of them. If he tells these girls he has a girlfriend, they may not give him the attention he’s wanting/needing. It’s all bullshit, imho.

Do not settle for this guy (or any guy) that won’t commit and spends his time chatting up other women.

Sunny2's avatar

He doesn’t want to settle down yet, that’s obvious. I wouldn’t move to be with him unless there’s another reason besides him, a job, family, other friends. Find yourself and who you are without him first. Find your strengths, then see where you are as far as he goes.

ETpro's avatar

I heartily agree with @Sunny2‘s good advice. “To thine own self, be true.”

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