Social Question

Sophief's avatar

How to tone down jealousy?

Asked by Sophief (6681points) April 1st, 2010

I am a very jealous person, and I thought I had it under control. I thought I was getting better with age!

But over the last few days, I feel it is taking over my world. I don’t want to come across to partner as this jealous, but I feel I am a little.

I think he is ok with it, as he knows what I am like. But I am not ok with it.

How do I just calm it down?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

31 Answers

markyy's avatar

Try and think of past occurences where you were jealous for all the wrong reasons, where you found out that you were just paranoid afterwards. That’s all I have for you right now, sorry. I’m sure the correct answer is (as usual) talk to your partner about it.

JeffVader's avatar

I agree with @timmarkyyewen in the short-term you need to discuss it with your other half, the longer it rattles about your head the bigger & bigger its going to get, like when you buy candy floss from the fair.
In the long term I think it boils down to becoming more used to spending time apart & becoming more sociable. The more you see him mixing with people, some of whom will be female & attractive, without him doing anything will help desensitise your jealousy.

Sophief's avatar

@timjeffvaderendrew As always I know you are right. I just know he could have anyone he wanted. Past relationships, I was always the ‘better’ one, so to speak. Now, I’m like trash compared to him.

marinelife's avatar

Just saying “I’m like trash compared to him.” shows the extent of your problem. You are all outwardly focused.

You need to focus on feeling like you are OK inside by yourself without regard to your boyfriend. Therapy would really help you with this issue.

JeffVader's avatar

@bendibleydrew Honestly, the way you talk about him its like he’s Hugh Jackman or Gerard Butler or something…...

Sophief's avatar

@anjeffvaderim To me he is so much better. He is really all I’ve ever wanted. He just so sexy. I have never had anyone that is my type, I never thought I would be attractive enough to get someone like him. I just can’t believe how lucky I am.

j0ey's avatar

Jealously is a completely natural feeling when you are in a relationship….So its okay to feel a little green with envy sometimes.

Just remember that YOU are the one he is with, and if anything all those floozies hanging off him (if in reality they actually are) should be jealous of you, not the other way around.

So say to yourself “FUCK yeah, I have the man that everyone wants….and he wants me more than anyone”...then high five yourself….

Sophief's avatar

@anj0eyimen Thanks for that. Nicely put.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Stop doing this to yourself, @bendibleydrew. Stop. Go get some help for your extremely low sense of self-worth. You are inherently a worthwhile person, as we all are. If a man did indeed leave you, there would be another good man who’d come along. Your current boyfriend is not the only man out there who would be the only one who could ever love you ever for the rest of your life. Neither is he this paragon of perfection who needs to be on a pedestal. Emotionally healthy people want to be loved, not worshiped and put on pedestals. Please. Go see a therapist about this.

I just want to find the person who instilled this self-loathing in you and kick them in the face repeatedly.

Sophief's avatar

@anaprilsimnelim Thank you. That is kind of you.

Trillian's avatar

Dibs. Honey. The questions you’ve been posting over the last few days have me a bit worried about you. I dislike asking questions that sound like prying, so let me try to phrase this another way.
I don’t know if you’re in therapy or taking medications. I know that yesterday you first sounded like you were on the brink of suicide and wanted suggestions for a painless out. Then you were going on about how great your guy is in a post that you answered someone with. Now, today, you are questioning your self worth. You say your relationship with this guy is great, and maybe it is. But it also sounds like the relationship defines you and that you are not a whole person without it.
That’s not a good thing. I honestly like you. Would you please consider getting some counseling and medication? Your visible thought process seems a bit bi polar, though I’m certainly not qualified to diagnose you. Also, would you please read this ?
Take care sugar.

Sophief's avatar

@antrillianen Thank you. I have never been on my own, and I wouldn’t cope being on my own. I won’t go into that publicly, because I’ve done that before and had all the feminists on my back! I just like to be in a relationship and I have finally found the one that suits me. I know it might not seem like it, but I like myself a lot more than I did before I met my s/o.

stump's avatar

Emotions like jealousy, envy, anger, etc, can be weakened, and even purged. Emotions are feelings attached to ideas. The feelings are patterns of tension and relaxation in your body. If you learn to relax, deeply, in those areas where you feel the jealousy, the emotion will dissipate.

First, identify where in your body you feel this emotion. While feeling the emotion, turn your attention inward, to the inside of your body and ask yourself where the sensation is centered. Forget for now about the mental part of the emotion. Concentrate on the physical sensation.

Second, relax that area of your body. You can do this with yoga, breathing exercises, strenuous activity like jogging, a sauna, anything that you know helps you relax. While relaxing imagine white light flowing into that area of your body. This mental image speaks directly to your unconscious mind, telling it to relax that area of your body.

This takes practice. Every time you feel jealousy, relax and focus on the area of your body where you feel the sensation. Using breathing exercises to relax is convenient. You can’t always take a sauna at the drop of a hat. After a while the sensation of jealousy will weaken and the ideas associated with them will seem less important, and even silly.

Sophief's avatar

@anstumpen Thanks, it’s worth a go.

stump's avatar

It does take practice, but if this is a chronic problem, it is worth it.

Response moderated
ParaParaYukiko's avatar

Being overly jealous is a serious issue and can turn an otherwise good relationship into an unhealthy one. Jealous people tend to stay jealous unless they take proactive measures to change that. Your jealousy probably comes from issues with self-esteem and self-worth (which we all have to a varying extent, no offense intended). Counseling, in my opinion, is the best way to help your jealousy problem. It is only when you can confront the underlying causes of it that you can truly start to change for the better.

Idknown's avatar

@timparaparayukikodrewen I definitely agree. It’s all about self worth.

Find something else to do and be proud of yourself and your accomplishments. If talking to your partner is the short term fix – this is the long term fix.

Again I will say – the motto for everyone’s relationship should be: They’d be crazy to leave me. If that isn’t what you believe, find out why he wouldn’t be crazy to leave you and change it.

Because at this point – he has that effect over you. “I’d be crazy to leave him.” yet you don’t feel you have the same power over him.

Change that.

galileogirl's avatar

Explain to your jealous SO why following the guidelines of your relationship doesn’t mean you like them less. Girls just wanna have fun!

ParaParaYukiko's avatar

@timgalileogirlewen Girls just wanna have fun! Depends on the girl. Most women I know hear “jealous type” and turn the other way ASAP. At least, if anything resembling a relationship is in the realm of possibility.

Then again, most of the relationships I’ve had the most experience with (personally and with friends/family) have been with jealous types who turn emotionally or physically abusive. So maybe I’m a bit biased… but probably not.

partyparty's avatar

Put yourself first and foremost… get your self-esteem back… then you won’t feel the necessity to feel jealous, and feel reassured and comfortable with the partner you are with.

CMaz's avatar

“How to tone down jealousy?”

First determine if it is justifiable or not. Break it down, see it for what it REALLY is.

You might be out of control. Or. You might be the type of person that is attracted to individuals of poor character.

JeffVader's avatar

@benchazmazdrew What a wonderful way to term a lying, cheating git! I doth my cap :)

stump's avatar

You doff your cap.

JeffVader's avatar

@anstumpimen Crap, is it doff….... & all these years Ive been getting it wrong….... what a tit!

Just_Justine's avatar

If one feels insecure in a relationship for whatever reason, meaning is the person a flirt? do they carry out long cell phone calls outside of the apartment, talk a lot about other women, (you get my drift).Then “jealousy” is justified. In the sense that one is being minimized. Or disrespected.

Normal daily interactions with people should not promote jealousy in another person. If it does, and the person has not acted in suspicious or dubious ways, then the jealousy is a sickness. The only way to cure a sickness is to decide the best remedies to cure it.

stump's avatar

@anjeffvaderim You just cracked me up! Thanks.

MrsDufresne's avatar

This is a great question. When I was younger I had the same problem.

The real problem was, I wasn’t in love with….....get this…....myself!

I had to fall in love with myself.

When I was younger I was treated badly by people that I needed to love me. I loathed myself for a long time. Until I got a phone call that changed who I was in about four hours.
It took a lot for me to fall for me. I really had to get to know who I was. I had to discover my being physically, emotionally, artistically and socially from every angle. I think it comes with age, experience, health and knowledge.

Now, instead of a repulsion that I once would have felt, (towards the person I would have been jealous of,) I feel a sense of attraction toward them….ooh, I think I said too much already;-}

nailpolishfanatic's avatar

It’s not possible u have to live with itxD

PacificToast's avatar

Think of all the great things you are blessed with.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I’ve always thought jealousy stems from insecurity. Between two people if one feels they aren’t their partner’s number one choice or whatever then there’s jealousy, suspicion and threat. If the partners really believe in each other then confidence, security and mutual admiration tones down the jealousy.

Answer this question




to answer.
Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther