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jazmina88's avatar

Do you have undying respect for your parents, even though in your heart you know they are wrong?

Asked by jazmina88 (11647points) July 21st, 2010

My mom single-handedly raised me in the 60s, so I got a majority of my beliefs from her, I guess, and had much respect from her being a business owner. She has now become weak and paranoid, with a mean streak. I still take her word for truth most of the time, though hurtful, or totally delusional.

I know better, but There is still pain from her words. We are way too close. She has made me doubt myself and believe her in EVERYTHING. Mother knows best, you know.

I’m trying to get that faith back in myself. Any advice.??
The old girl trying to grow.:)

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16 Answers

YARNLADY's avatar

My parents did a few things wrong, but they loved us, supported us and did the best they knew how. I miss them every much.

I find it hard to relate to people who have had a bad experience with their parents, but I suggest that as an adult, some counseling could help find some tips and ideas on how to respond to that part of your life, and move on.

BoBo1946's avatar

@jazmina88 my mom is 87! Could write a book on the last three years, but will not bore you with the details. My way of handling it, i just try to remember that it is not her talking. My mom would have never said those things. Old age and dementia are talking, not mother!

Forgive my poor proofreading!

janbb's avatar

No – I loved them but I don’t have “undying respect” for them. I learned to emancipate myself; particularly from my mother.

pearls's avatar

Is this a sudden change in your mother’s demeanor? If so, you may want to talk with her doctor. Also, have you sat down and told her how her words hurt you?

jazmina88's avatar

@pearls She has always been feisty. She knows her words hurt. She tried to stay at my house and had delusions, which actually made me doubt. She said the neighbors were drinkin in my drive talkin about stealing my car. I have to think twice now.

Her attitude about stay away from men, etc. has really been about controlling me. But I still have been respectful. The “emancipation” is mental, financial, and loyalty. and probably death.

knitfroggy's avatar

I have undying respect for both my parents. They brought me up right. I don’t know if they taught us to respect them or if we just did because of how we were parented, but my mom would still slap me if I disrespected her and I’m 34 years old. We went to the races with my friend and her SIL and MIL a couple weeks ago and my mom and I were both shocked at the way the SIL treated the MIL. Talked to her like she was a child and was basically rude and hateful to her. My mom said, I would knock you out if you talked me to like that. I said, I never would, because I know you would slap me! My parents are awesome, fun people, but you knew who was boss.

As far as losing respect if my parents were elderly and had some sort of dementia, I don’t see it happening. I have a lot of experience with dementia patients and they can’t help how they act. I would still love and respect my folks just as I always have.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Yes. My grandmother raised me from infant to early childhood and was one of the best things my life has known but in her later years she is also mean and paranoid. My mom, sister and I sometimes withold particular details of our lives from her but we do love and respect her, our witholding is really to reduce her wheels spinning.

jazmina88's avatar

You guys are so awesome allowing me to vent my innermost struggles so I can cleanse myself and grow stronger. Fluther has been so good for me. Keep on.

I took her to lunch today and she loved it and was in a great mood. I was trying to convince her the stuff isnt real, but no way that is gonna happen.

I was a handful 20 years ago. So I guess it’s all good, if I can keep MY spirit alive and dont let her take over my heart. It did for awhile. and yesterday. thanks for the strength and support.

knitfroggy's avatar

@jazmina88 Just know that she loves you and try not to let anything hurtful she says get to you. If she wouldn’t have said it before she would be mortified she is saying it now. My grandpa got mean and hateful, but we knew he didn’t mean it.

gemiwing's avatar

Hmmmm. Good question.

I respect them as people, not gods. They are not all-knowing, and they sure as spit don’t get the final say on who I am. That’s between me and God. People see what they want to see sometimes; they hear what they want to hear. No human is omnipotent or infallible.

I used to view my Mom as a God- always right and always true. This is codependency parenting and it wasn’t healthy.

DBT helped me the most in this, to get my head back on straight. My parent’s are not me and I am not a representation of them or what they want.

josie's avatar

My parents were great. They were fair, expected a lot, but gave a lot of support in return. They began early preparing me to be independent. My dad taught me how to use tools and how things work-he also taught me how to fight, but in secret. My mom would have been horrified. My mom taught me how to cook. I had to buy my own gas and insurance when I started to drive. They gave me an allowance, but only after I had earned a basic amount first. They made me get a bank account and showed me how to balance. By the time I left home, I was pretty well prepared. I owe them a lot and it is too bad they are both gone.

Nullo's avatar

Certainly. Respect, being a thing earned, is about past actions and contributions. It sounds like your mom has earned a fair amount, especially from you.
My grandmother is at the same place as your mom. It’s rough, I know. Just keep in mind that she doesn’t mean to be as sour as she’s being.

meagan's avatar

You can only kick a dog so many times before it bites you back.

cookieman's avatar

My wife’s folks are in a similar boat. Wonderful, reliable people for years and years. Now that they’re both around 80, they’ve become manipulative, cranky and difficult to get along with.

But they’ve earned their stripes and there are a lot of reasons associated with old age that could contribute to this behavior.

So you try to work past it remembering how much you respected them in the past and that, at their age, they won’t be around much longer. We cut them a lot of slack.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

My grandparents (80’s) have recently entered into a stage of ratting on each other for whatever things they don’t get their way with and trying to get us involved to take sides emotionally or to do little things they know will cheese off the other one. We kind of expected this would happen in time as they lost control over parts of their lives they once took for granted like driving themselves into town, taking care of their own health discreetly, keeping up their home. Many times we’d like to scold them but we let it slide because as @cprevite wrote, they’ve more than earned their stripes and we know they won’t be with us forever.

Several states away they will count the number of letters they receive, phone call, little gifts and then compare against each other. It’s weird.

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