How can I let go of this anger and stop it from ruining my relationship with my boyfriend?

Please break your post into paragraphs to make it more readable.

Good idea, I’m trying to figure out how to edit it.

I’m going to flag this so it gets pushed back to editing and you can fix it :)

ok, thanks, and sorry. I guess I’m a little anxious.

My ex… Who I loved very much… Had anger issues.
The reason why she is now my ex.

How can you let go of this anger?
Understand nothing good will come from it.
And, you will waste many years of your life trying to control it, then just conquering it.

If you guys really want to make this work, how about some counseling?

@nikipedia I really would love some counseling. I just don’t have the money for it right now.

@ChazMaz I do realize that nothing good will come from it, but my problem is that I just can’t seem to get it to go away.

When I read this, I found myself thinking PTSD. What you’ve gone through was very traumatic, and you’ve got a lot of shit in your head about it.

From what I understand, PTSD is hard to treat. One treatment they use is a desensitization treatment. You expose yourself, gently at first, to increasing “doses” or going through the memories, until, eventually, you can face these things without being set off. You shouldn’t do this except with the guidance of someone familiar with the technique—if, and it’s a big if—this is actually what is happening with you. You might want to read a book about it to see if it sounds like you.

Another thing that comes to mind is learning to cope with the feelings without feeling like you have to do something about it. If you can learn to feel the anger, but not have to hold onto the anger…. well, that’s what you’re asking, isn’t it?

Once again, I recommend mindfulness training: meditation and yoga. These things can teach you how to separate yourself from the emotions that are not useful to you. That makes it easier not to act out on your anger. Again, there are many books about this. I can’t recommend one over another, so look through Amazon and see what appeals to you. Then do the exercises and see if they work for you.

“but my problem is that I just can’t seem to get it to go away.”

Then you just do not want to. But, your first step is what you are doing. And that is to ask.
Get your family involved. Understand, you have to do it. It is not anyone else’s responsibility.

Sometime we have to dig a deep enough hole in order to look up.

@wundayatta It’s weird that you say PTSD because I recently thought about the possibility that I might have it, or a variation of it, but for other reasons. I have always been under the impression, that PTSD is something that people who have undergone a tragedy get, not just someone like me, who has, let’s say, had a rough life, at least from my perspective.

I’m really worried about myself. I have a lot of odd problems, that are kind of hard to explain, and even harder to explain publicly. I’m not the type of person to “look” for something to be afflicted by, and try to diagnose myself. I try to just suck it all up, and be “normal”. However, I have been battling with myself for a very long time now, and I really am just plain tired.

I tried to research some free or income based mental health in my area this morning, apparently, it is hard to come by. I wish, just once, that I could see an actual psychologist, that may be able to help me, but I just don’t have the money. I have so many unresolved issues, I just feel as though my whole life has been drowned by them. I’ve been very upset lately in thinking that I have completely wasted my life, trying to be happy, but just not achieving it. This whole anger thing is new to me, as I have never been an angry type of person, more so I just get depressed.

Thank you for your insight, I am definitely going to do some more research on PTSD. Is it possible that I could have carried it with me for most of my life, and symptoms have remained dormant until now? I feel as though I am a big pile of unwashed mental laundry.

@Myuzikalsoul: Have you looked into NAMI? They may be a good place to start. Also, your county may have free resources, and some counselors have sliding scales depending on income.

@nikipedia I haven’t looked into NAMI but I am now. I am also going to try and check out some income based counseling once I get some money. Thank you.

@wundayatta I just read the description for PTSD thoroughly on NAMI, and now I am actually believing that I could really have it. I experience most of the mentioned symptoms, (they are very similar if not right on) and they have me constantly feeling anxious. I actually just burst into tears because I have been so worried that I might be going crazy or something, and I have read about other psychological disorders but not PTSD. This sounds so much like me it is uncanny. I just want it to stop. I’m going to call that 1 800 number for help. Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond to, and help me.

You guys have had too many years of a bad relationship. words have been said that can never be forgotten or forgiven. you guys are on the highway to hell. first it was the drugs and now its the alcohol. you two are bad company for each other. you know that the people on Fluther do not have to give you advice. you already know what to do. if you think you are miserable now, just wait. if you two marry, i promise you that someone will be physically hurt down the road.

There are plenty of good fish still left in the sea. bait your hook and castaway.

Do not drink to that point again, be smart. Your anger is somewhat justified but you have to move forward together. You must start new, I know it’s hard, but this isn’t serving you right now. Perhaps, you can have another conversation where you can vent it all out and after than you promise to not let it come between you and stick to that promise.

@john65pennington What you have just said is my greatest fear regarding the situation. The alcohol, I can do without, but he drinks just about every night. I drink with him at times because I want to have fun with him, and be on his level, I guess. Even as I’m typing, it sounds so stupid. But it is true. My parents were alcoholics when I was growing up, and that is how I remember the “good times”, always involving drinking. I guess, to me, it just seems natural. We have both fought so hard for our relationship. I have left him before, and I always have come back. We feel meant to be. Besides, isn’t the true test of a relationship being able to see the ugly sides and still loving each other?

I am with @john65pennington on this.
You know this is a no-win situatiuon. Why did you accept him back after the abuse you took? This can only get worse. Are you relying on him for monetary support? Housing? Money?
If you are not already self sufficient get busy and find a way to be. Are you employed? You need to stand on your own two feet rather than lean on an abusive alcoholic – no matter how charming he is at times.
Life is too short. Please do something to change the situation before you waste even more years on this.

Myuzlkalsoul, love makes people do funny things. i agree that people have good and bad times, but your bad times seem to outweight the good times. and, alcohol is just a crutch for both of you. you appear to be a follower and not a leader. i say this because you stated you have gone back TO HIM and not HIM back TO YOU. i cannot tell you what to do. i can only give you the results of my experiences of 44 years as a police officer. alcohol and drugs are a bad mix for two people that have a craving for it. if you two have children, they will be the one to also suffer. i have seen this too many times.

I would suggest couples therapy.

@worriedguy To answer your questions, I have always been completely self-sufficient. I have always worked, my entire life, at least one, if not two or three different jobs at one time. However, I recently quit my job in order to focus more on school, as I am a full-time student, at my boyfriend’s urging, because he now has a good job, and he wants to be able to support both of us. I’m not sure if what happened between us classifies as “abuse”. I guess I’m not really sure of anything anymore.

@john65pennington

Great answer. I agree. Hard, but very necessary. The relationship is toxic and will probably become moreso as time goes on. Time to bail.

@Myuzikalsoul Don’t let not having money stop you from trying to find a psychologist or a psychiatrist. Many of them will see you for reduced cost or even free if you can’t pay them. You can interview them on the phone before you see them. You want to know if they have experience with PTSD or whatever else you think you have. You want to know what style of treatment they use. You also want to know what their policy is regarding payment.

Psychologists are in the business of helping people. I have to wonder what happens if you don’t pay. Most of them are small business people. Will they turn it over to a bill collector, knowing what your problems are? I think they would prefer to make arrangements to be paid over the long term rather than doing anything nasty.

I think first and foremost (and this is my brain thinking at 4AM after a night of Halloween partying) you need to seriously reevaluate your relationship. The reasons you’re still in it (good or bad), why you’re still in it, why you haven’t left yet and if this relationship is what your heart, mind and soul want. Then, you have some decisions to make…

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I find myself residing on your end here. You’re angry and your anger is justified. The silly part of it is, if you want this relationship to work, you have to drop this anger. Fast. All of it. Otherwise, you’re going to keep bringing up the bitter past and he’s going to get angrier and angrier along with you – soon his patience and understanding will ware thin and he’ll either do some screwing around or leave. In deciding to drop this anger and continue your relationship, you really do have to understand that you’re not doing this for you or him but for love itself, and the unique chemistry that you guys had, have and continue to yet have, 6 years later. It’s a commitment that takes a willpower almost unimaginable, but certainly doable. I’ve seen it and I’ve felt it.

@john65pennington On the other hand, though I dont exactly agree with your thinking (I find it to be cynical and pessimistic), suggests that this cycle will just repeat itself, things will never change and that it’s time to get out now or never. On the bright side, you have a chance to rediscover yourself, get your priorities straight and find what else life has to offer you. Whether it’s a new career, a new relationship, a move to a new city or town, etc. there always is something else out there. It may seem daunting, scary, etc. and that’s all where the difficulty of commitment, once again, comes in.

You must make a decision! Don’t wait around! This problem will not solve itself on it’s own – take it from me and anyone else. If you decide to keep sticking things out despite the same problems reoccurring, you’re going to end up 6 more years down the line with an even longer story to tell with an even more chaotic, desperate cry for help.

If you decide to stick it out and control your anger – You must commit to that. Whether it falls down to you stopping your anger on your own or seeing a therapist/counselor. If you decide to leave now – You must commit to that. Change your number, never answer his calls and never check up on him. Each decision has it’s own set of difficulties; there never is an easy way out of a troubled relationship.

Whatever you decide, I feel your pain and I do wish you luck!

@Disc2021 Thank you. I flipped out again last night at a Halloween party. I think something is really wrong with me. I drank way too much, I know that had a lot to do with it. I don’t want to leave him, but now I’m afraid he is going to leave me.

I’ve said some things I can never take back. The obvious thing for me to do is to stop drinking. It’s harder than it sounds though.

Why am I doing this to myself? I’m ruining everything good in my life. My biological father used to come home and beat up my mom when I was young, she said he beat me too, but I don’t remember much of it, (well, that’s a lie, I do remember things, they come back to me in dreams) until I was about 7. I’m afraid I am turning into him. I am so afraid and so upset.

He wouldn’t let us out of the house, he checked the mileage on my mom’s car, and constantly accused her of cheating on him, even though she was never allowed to leave the house.

He would leave and stay gone for days at a time, and then come home randomly and start tearing apart the house, I remember vividly sitting on my mom’s lap in the swing set in the back yard, and hearing him tear the house apart, smashing things and such. I think I remember that so well because it was Christmas and it was freezing outside, and I wanted to go inside but my mom wouldn’t let me. I was only 2 or 3.

I learned how to lift myself up out my crib at a very young age. I remember being afraid of shadows. I used to crawl to the door and look underneath it. I now know from what my mom told me, that what I was looking at was my dad beating her. My mom didn’t believe me when I told her I did this. I had to recount my life for a psychology project in high school. I drew a picture of my bedroom from when I was a baby, I remember where the crib was, the window, and the door. I showed it to my mom and she was completely shocked. It was completely accurate. (She would not allow me to include the abuse in my paper I had to write, she said it was her business, so I basically had to lie about my past).

My mom lied and told him she was coming home to visit her family for Christmas. He didn’t want her to go, but he allowed it, but threatened to kill her if she didn’t come back. He followed us all the way to the bus station. Threatening her the whole time.

We had to travel to another state, so it was a long bus ride. My mom said that I just started singing “twinkle twinkle little star” over and over again, the whole way there! She said that I probably drove everyone crazy.

To this day I sing constantly. Lately though, I haven’t even listened to any music in the car. It’s really strange. I just want quiet. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a music addict! I constantly have my iPod going, or the radio. I don’t sing anymore either.

She didn’t go back. But, the judge ordered her to send me back. He told her that if she didn’t that he would permanently take me me away from her. I had to go back for months at a time, and I was shuttled back and forth for years.

One day, I told my mom some things that I was afraid to tell her before. I was beat every morning when I woke up for wetting the bed. He would yank me and throw me into the bathtub and he would sit in a chair right next to it, then he would pull me out and whip me with his belt. I was between 5 and 7 then.

Some more things happened to me too, I have a huge scar down my leg. I don’t remember how I got it, he said I fell off the porch.

My mom came to pick me up one time, and he fled with me in the car. I had a high fever, I just remember crying and looking out of the back window. My mom was following, racing not to lose us. He eventually let me go, but then after that, the court still ordered me back.

He took me somewhere, to some kind of island. I stayed with people I didn’t know. Something very bad happened to me, I just can’t remember it. I’m pretty sure I was sexually abused. To this day I can’t listen to the song “La Bamba”, because I remember it was playing when the thing happened. I have recurring dreams but I always wake up before whatever happened, happens. I just wish I could remember.

Well, after I came home with an ugly gash down my leg, my mom disobeyed the court order and never let me go back again. That was when all of the threatening phone calls started. I was never allowed to answer the phone. I had to have meetings with my school teachers to make sure they knew never to let him take me out of school. He threatened to kidnap me all of the time, and threatened to kill my mother.

I used to be afraid when I was little that I was like him. My mom got mad at me and told me never to think that.

Now, all of a sudden, at almost 28, I feel like something is happening to me. I feel like I have lost my mind. And I am such a good person, I really am. But I’m going to make everybody hate me if I don’t stop this behavior.

I’m just so tired. I’m usually a very emotional person, but lately I feel nothing, I think because I’m constantly trying not to feel depressed, I’ve made my whole life out of talking myself out of being unhappy, trying to appreciate the good things in my life, and now I’m destroying it. I’m scared and so ashamed at what I’ve done to my life, I used to have such high expectations for myself.

A few months ago my uncle called me a disappointment to the family. He said it out of anger because he was mad at my mom, and I was mad at him and my aunt for ignoring us like we weren’t even there, in a time of crisis for my family, because my grandmother was really sick. I followed them outside and told them this was ridiculous, and that they were acting like children, and that’s when he said that to me. My aunt told me a few weeks later that he was sorry, but for some reason, I just can’t let it go. I just keep hearing him saying that to me in my head now. And I believe it.

I go to a Community College, I’m going to see if they have a therapist I can talk to. My boyfriend doesn’t understand. This isn’t me, I’ve always been the nicest person, I’ve never been in a physical fight before, or anything of that nature. He said that I punched him in the face last night. I just don’t remember, I blacked out. I don’t believe that I did that. I just feel like he’s lying to me.

I’ve been depressed most of my life, but I’ve made myself pretend like I’m not, and forced myself to get up and go to work and school, and try to salvage a sense of normalcy. I’ve wanted to see a therapist since I was a little girl, but my mother always got mad at me and told me I was fine, and there was nothing wrong with me. I’ve noticed over the past few years, (I’ll be 28 this December), that I have distanced myself emotionally from, well, everyone.

It’s been bugging me that I feel like something is really wrong with me, but then again, I’ve always felt that way, and have always heard my mom’s voice telling me not to be a spoiled brat, and that there is nothing wrong with me. I was like the perfect kid. But my mom drank a lot at the time, and a lot of things she doesn’t remember.

My parents aren’t bad people by any means, (I had to testify against my bio father in court in order to terminate his parental rights and be adopted by my stap-dad when I was 12), they just had a bad drinking problem. They separated and divorced right when I started college.

I used to be a musician, and I went to a university then. The divorce took me by surprise. I never got a phone call from my parents while I was in college. I started to feel abandoned since my room mate’s parents were from much farther away and they called and visited frequently. One day I decided just to show up.

I went to my house and my mom didn’t live there anymore. My dad told me they were separated and that she lived in a trailer that my grandfather owned. I went to see her, and she wouldn’t answer the door. I let myself in, and I found her in bed, very sick and vomiting, with alcohol poisoning. She asked me to empty all of the bottles of liquor in the house and get rid of them.

I just couldn’t focus in school after that. It affected me so much that I just couldn’t handle school anymore, music performance is very demanding. I was in all honors classes, I had two scholarships, I was doing so well.

Another reason I dropped out of college, was because I had been a virgin (my parents were extremely protective of me and I was very sheltered), and well, I formed a close relationship with my professor, and I lost my virginity to him when I just turned 19, and it was just very awkward because he was my main professor, ie, I had lessons with him and classes with him, and I had to hide it from all of my friends and the studio so he wouldn’t get in trouble. It was just too much pressure.

Then one day, I told my best friend at the time, and he was in love with me but I didn’t realize it, and he got really upset and threatened to go to the dean. I told him to fu*% off and we were never friends again after that. I dropped out of school and moved in with the guy I was teaching for at the high school. We formed a relationship and dated for about 2 years. He shoved me against a wall one day and left bruises on my wrists. I left him soon after that. That was when I met the boyfriend I have now. And all the drugs started. Maybe I messed myself up so bad with the drugs, that this is why I am losing it now. I hope not.

Sorry for the auto biography! There is much more, but I don’t want to make it a novel. I guess I just really need someone to tell all of this to. I don’t do so well speaking as I do writing. I’ve never written all of this down before.

I guess I just really want you to understand where I am coming from. Because I am truly scared, and I don’t know what to do anymore. I never seem to be satisfied. My thoughts basically hold me hostage. When I wake up in the mornings my mind starts racing and I can’t stop it so I am forced to get up, even though I’m still tired. I have a really hard time falling asleep. So, I am basically always tired.

I hope I haven’t offended anyone by my story. I know this is the kind of thing I should talk to a therapist about but I don’t have one and I like the anonymity of this, and the fact I can write it all down instead of speak it. Plus, most of the people on this site seem to be very intelligent and helpful. Thank you again for your time.

@Myuzikalsoul I’m afraid I’m a bit in shock, after listening to your story and that also I may not know exactly how to comment because I could never imagine anything like what you’ve been through! My biological father pretty much left my mom as soon as he found out she was pregnant. My mother then found the “Dad” I have now and they’ve been happy ever since. I’ve had not only the best parents but the best upbringing I could ever ask for; I couldn’t even imagine the life I’d have without them.

I tell my brief story not to belittle or heavily contrast yours, but mostly to emphasize that happiness does exist and that I believe everyone is entitled to it. You can’t give up, you’re still young. You’re still in school and I think that’s awesome, keep going and never give up!

I’m also afraid what you’ve shared with us here transcends the problem alone you’re having with the relationship between you and your boyfriend and ventures beyond somewhere much, much deeper. You need to get help from a licensed professional – and I do NOT mean that in a condescending tone at all. I mean that in the sense that if you dont, your problems will only continue to get worse and you clearly don’t want that. I dont know you at all aside from what you’ve shared with us here, but you seem like a beautiful person who just wants to be happy – and if it means anything, I want you to be happy and I’d like to hear from you when you do get there. You dont have to promise me but please promise yourself that you will try to see someone for help.

Try to stay away from the depressive-medication – try to find a professional that specializes in psychotherapy, traumatizing up-bringing, child abuse, etc. Your school may be a great place to start as I think the services are free there. If you ever want any other advice as far as this goes or more information, please private message me. Otherwise, from the bottom of my heart, I truly wish you luck! Hang in there!

@Myuzikalsoul You are among friends here. You have no idea how many women here share your story. They mostly don’t talk about it publicly, although some do.

Of course, their stories are different in details and in consequences, but as far as I know, they all struggle because of it. They are a different stages in their paths, but most of them seem to have gotten the help of therapists.

I would suggest looking for support groups. They are often free, and you can meet people like you—folks who have been abused or raped or whatever. It really helps to talk about it.

So often, people turn to alcohol and drugs to cover over the pain left from these experiences. I think if you learn to feel those feelings and learn to cope with them, the need for self-medicating may decline.

It will be a long process. You don’t want to hang out with other people who drink and do drugs. It really makes it hard for you to do your own therapeutic work.

The problem is that most of us want love more than anything else, and we’ll put up with all kinds of abuse just to have someone with us. Some people are constantly on the lookout for another lover, because it seems like there is never enough love, and because it seems certain that this relationship will fail. All relationships fail. If not on their own, then we make them fail. Why? Because we don’t deserve them, or anything else good in our lives. After all, there must be a reason for the abuse in our childhoods. We must be bad people, or else there wouldn’t have been any abuse.

We start to get a warped view on life. We can no longer see any good in ourselves. We have no clue when we’ve done something good and don’t believe anyone who tells us we’ve done good.

This is a lot to work through. It’s hard to understand it, because it seems unlogical and backwards. However, with psychology, causality often seems to work in a reverse direction. I feel bad. There’s no reason for me to feel bad. Therefore I must create a reason of else the world is out of balance and I can’t have that.

I’ll say it again. It’s hard to understand. You can work and work on it and think you’ve figured it out and have learned to cope with it and then all of a sudden you find yourself doing one of those things you used to do—the things that destroy life as you know it, and you know you are doing it and you still don’t stop it because your fear is that you’re never going to be good enough to deserve happiness.

I don’t mean to discourage you. Just to say it’s a hard path. You take two steps forward, and fall one step back. Except for some of us, that backward step might end up killing us. You think you are doing so well and all of a sudden, “I’mmmmm Baaaaaack!”

@Disc2021 Thank you very, very much. I agree, that I need to stay away from medication. The trend to put people on medication has been a large part of the reason why I haven’t sought help in the past.

Of course, it doesn’t make sense that I’d allow myself to take illegal drugs and not legal ones, but I guess life just happens sometimes.

When I was at the university, I did seek help from a therapist there, and he tried to get me to see a psychiatrist to measure my brain or something like that to see if I needed medication. I didn’t want to be medicated, I just knew I was making some f*%*#ed up decisions. I never wanted to leave school, I loved it, it was my dream. But, he didn’t help me, he actually hit on me, which made things a million times worse for me, I can’t even explain.

Most people feel good about themselves when someone finds them attractive, but I feel it to be utterly annoying and downright disrespectful, especially back then. (Not always, but when I’m not soliciting it, yes, it felt almost like betrayal).

I was going to see him for a problem I was having with a professor at the school, and I knew he legally couldn’t tell anyone, I made him assure me that was perfectly clear. And then he turned around and did the same thing!

There were also other professors that made me feel extremely uncomfortable. Ones that I had confided in and trusted about my past, ones that were married with kids, that suddenly “turned on me”, as I would put it, by admitting their “feelings for me”. Ridiculous. Just not what I needed at the time. I just needed a friend, a father figure, something non-threatening and stable and wise…but for some reason, I kept turning to the wrong people. Even the “professionals”.

My expectations and respect for these people came crashing to the ground. Even though I dreamed for many years to be where I was and do what I was doing, and for the first time in my life I was popular, and I loved what I was doing, I just couldn’t continue.

I started getting really shaky all of the time and easily startled, and if I was in the class of my professor that I had the relationship with, I couldn’t make eye-contact. I don’t know why I couldn’t just let the lie be, and play the part…I didn’t understand these physical reactions and it brought so much anxiety in trying to control them, that I just stopped going to class.

The fact that I lost everything that was important to me, ie..my music career, my friends, my new free and exciting life that I loved…. and had to move back home and become stuck in a financial rut working minimum wage jobs and waiting tables for 10 years +..it really has taken a toll on my depressive states… in other words, I spent a lot of time in grief over losing what I felt like, was my place to be in life. Now I just feel lost.

My reason for telling you this, is to thank you for your comment:

“that happiness does exist and that I believe everyone is entitled to it. You can’t give up, you’re still young. You’re still in school and I think that’s awesome, keep going and never give up!”

Simply because, that is what I have been trying so hard to tell myself and to believe for so long. Just being in school again has been a huge stepping stone for me. And I am finding that I am still above average smart, even though I felt hopelessly when I was doing drugs, that I had completely screwed up my brain and would/could never amount to anything again. I just can’t explain how the drugs took so much away from me, but at the time, I felt like they were the ONLY thing that delivered for me in my life.

Anyways, thank you for your kind words. Not all people realize how powerful words are, even if they come from a complete stranger. I’ve tried to be “fun” and not a downer for so long, so I’ve not explained my past to anyone, in order to keep it pushed down and out of my life. But now that I have gotten at least the gist of it out, and gotten some positive response, (for I feared I’d get some negative, such as, “you shouldn’t talk about this kind of stuff on Fluther” I thought I might even get moderated), I just am feeling so much better having gotten some of this off of my chest and out of me.

Thank you for your kind wishes.

@wundayatta Thank you very much as well for your kind words. I absolutely know that there are people out there who have had the same experiences as me, if not far far worse. That is something I have been very sensitive to, and another reason why I have felt that I shouldn’t need help, and should be able to handle it on my own. Like I said, my mother used to get very angry with me for trying to tell her that I felt I needed some help. Somehow or another, I sensed as a child that I was thinking about things that children shouldn’t think about. I was depressed even then. I either hid it really well, or my parents just weren’t paying attention. I love my mother very much and she has been through a hell of a lot more than I have. But I am realizing now, that my love for her doesn’t make the way she handled things with me, necessarily right.

I constantly felt misunderstood, my entire life has been comprised of me crying by myself. Ever since I was a baby I used to take all of my stuffed animals and blankets and cover myself with them. My mom used to sneak in and lift them off of me after I’d fallen asleep because she was afraid I’d suffocate. I remember being a pre-teen and burying myself inside the closet, inside my toy box for hours and hours, crying and sweating, but I didn’t care how hot I was. I just wanted to feel something other than what I was feeling. And I guess what I was feeling, was abandoned. The fact that my parents to this day have no clue as to my emotional instability kind of helps me to realize that in a way I was emotionally abandoned.

They never came to check on me when I didn’t come out of my bedroom for hours and hours at a time. Even in high school. I spent most of my time, alone in my room. Although, my parents had their own issues, they still wanted the best for me and strove to provide it. My dad worked all of the time, and my mom took the best care of me that she could. This is why I feel almost ashamed to have these problems now. Shouldn’t I have been able to just let the past go? It’s not like I was beat my entire life. Only when I was younger. I know people who have had far worse problems, and are still successful. It literally makes me feel shame, and thus even worse about myself as a person.

And so yes. To get back to what you were saying, I HAVE spent a long time blaming myself for my own heartache and emotional voids. I have thought that I brought it on myself, that it’s my own fault. That I must have done something wrong along the line, and I’ve turned bad inside, and I can’t recover. What you have said is exactly my sentiment.

And furthermore, you hit the nail right on the head when you said that:

“We have no clue when we’ve done something good and don’t believe anyone who tells us we’ve done good.”

I experience that every day. I’m never, ever satisfied. Even when I exceed expectations, I feel as though I could have done better. When and if someone ever tells me thank you, or tells me I’ve done a good job, it makes me feel very uncomfortable. I can’t understand why. But I am glad to hear someone else voice it, because it’s just another one of those things that I don’t understand about myself, that makes me feel crazy at times.

I also have noticed that I believe that nobody likes me, that they only “pretend” to like me. And I used to feel as though people were saying mean things about me behind my back. I think that comes more from a very rough middle school experience. I had some girls pick on me all 3 years of middle school because I was extremely quiet. I was going through the custody battle, the court system sucks and it dragged on for close to 3 years! I was always afraid I was going to be sent back to be with my bio father, after 6 years of no contact. It was a mess, and especially because they forced me to sit directly across from him at a conference table, I guess it was the jury room or something, and all of these people that I didn’t, or barely knew were sitting around me, including the judge, and they forced me to look at him and tell him that I wanted to terminate his parental rights, as he was sobbing and pleading with me to give him another chance, and telling me that he loved me. Does the court have ANY idea what that did to a 13 year old girl? Probably not.

Well, anyways, I could get angry at the court, I could get angry at my parents, and at the whole world, but it’s completely useless. Like you said, many others share my experiences, and that is the only place I am going to find solace, is among people who can empathize with my feelings.

Thank you again for sharing with me.

@Myuzikalsoul It’s not the only place you’ll find solace. Therapists—good ones, anyway—are good at that, too. The main difference is that therapists, who say they really do care, may only be doing it because they are paid to. I have confronted my therapist with this before, and she said she really does like working with me. Maybe she even likes me. I don’t remember exactly what she said.

A support group, on the other hand, doesn’t have to lie. If someone likes you, you can be pretty sure they like you. They may also be predisposed to like you since they understand your problems at a very deep level. We’ve all walked in the same shoes—and those shoes are damn tatty!

There are lots of different therapies and techniques for bringing yourself up to happiness. You’re the only one who will know what is right for you. A support group can describe their experience with many different types of therapy and different therapists. And if you can’t afford therapy, they might help you figure out where you can get it affordably. I also encourage you to ask a therapist. They will often charge people who can’t afford it less.

You can see my history of dealing with my depression and low self-esteem over the last couple of years worth of posts, if you want. All the things we’ve discussed, I’ve had to face and am still facing. A lot of these things center around our ideas of self and our experiences of never being good enough no matter how much we do.

I’m sitting here struggling with myself about what to say next. The temptation to put myself down is very very strong. I know that it’s a lie in two ways: first I am good, and I should let myself be ok with that. Second, it’s really because I want someone to reassure me right now. I’m feeling somewhat vulnerable, although I think I must be strong if I’m actually willing to say that. I need reassurance.

And yet, I don’t. When I’m ok (and for some reason, I don’t seem to be ok at the moment), I don’t need to be told I any good. It doesn’t matter. I do it for myself. Right now, I’m not doing it for that reason. It’s not a pleasant feeling.

@wundayatta I understand what you mean. I too feel different at different times dependent on my level of mood, or awareness of confidence. Sometimes I think I must have a split personality. I can wake up some days, and wonder why I ever felt dark. I even plead with myself to “remember this feeling”, “remember this mood state” and “STAY in it!”... But somehow, the darkness seems to seep its way back in somehow.

I’ve checked at my school. No therapists. It’s only a community college. I did, however, contact my psychology teacher, and asked her to make an appointment with me so that I can talk to her, and possibly get some recommendations. My area doesn’t have many mental health options available, which is funny, seeing as how most people around here seem to be screwed up one way or another.

She wrote me back and said she is not allowed to administer any real therapy because she is a teacher at the school, but she can talk to me and help me assess what my next step should be, and help me find resources. I am meeting with her next week. Please feel free to write to me more and I will read through your other posts. I haven’t been too active in Fluther simply because I have always been so busy with school and work. Now, I have no job, but school is extremely time consuming, and this week especially, overwhelming.

However, I want to begin to be more active within this community, and use more of the available features. Some have spoken of PMing? I don’t really even know what that means.

Please don’t put yourself down, I definitely didn’t want my story to influence anything negative from anyone. I guess I’m just being very open right now, and I’m not always sure where to draw the line.

I’d like to be friends I guess is what I am saying. It’s nice to be able to identify with others, as I’ve said before.

I hope you have a great night and think of something (or someone) you love, or think is beautiful.

I can tell from what you’ve said to me that you are a very strong spirit, and also a very nice person.

Hope to speak more with you,
~Myuzikalsoul

Wow..well just to update on my boyfriend… I thought I had pushed him away with all of this, but last night, he started talking about selling some things and possibly getting a mortgage on a house, and getting married! He also talked about that night and HE apologized to ME! He told me that he was so sorry for being such a “douche bag” to me, and he said that what happened was partially his fault for giving me reasons to have insecurities about him in the first place.

If you knew my boyfriend, you would know that this is a complete 180…. that he never takes the blame for things. He even apologized for being so distant, and unaffectionate, which was something I have been secretly very upset about lately. It was as if he had somehow infiltrated my mind, and decided to put it at ease.

I am so relieved, and at the same time, hopeful that his transcendence in his behavior continues. The only reason I am hesitant about marrying him is because of his wanting to drink vodka every other night, if not every night. I told him last night that I went through that with my parents, (except their drink of choice was bourbon), and that I don’t want to go down that road.

I’m most worried about his health, and I also worry about having children with someone who has an addictive personality. I, myself, have a long road ahead of me in school, and am not ready for kids until I graduate, and that will be when I am almost 35! I hope, with all things considered, that it isn’t too late. I honestly don’t even know if I am capable of becoming pregnant, or if he, considering his drug abusive past, is even able to impregnate me.

I will not, however, consider it until he cleans up completely, and proves, over time, his commitment. Well, I suppose I just need to take it all one step at a time.

Thank you all for your support!

@Myuzikalsoul First off, in response to your most recent post, I’m very glad to hear it! That’s awesome and I’m at least glad that he’s been understanding and showing support where it’s well deserved. You seem to have your head in the right area as far as marriage goes. I dont know why, but life seems that much easier when you have a partner who supports you.

In response to your experiences with therapy, I’m really, really sorry to hear that – I can hardly believe the terrible luck you’ve had with such this; I can’t believe some people. All I can say is keep searching for a licensed professional that wants to help you, maybe this time, you could look for someone of the same gender if you know what I mean. There are people that practice in the specified areas that concern you that can and will help you. I urge you to try yet again, only because I worry about your anger unraveling again and potentially recurring more troublesome events.

I’m glad my words have touched you – the way I perceive things is if you just let your problems go, if you just give up on the pursuit of happiness, you’re really never going to get anywhere or travel any distance. If you keep trying, keep searching for the right direction, consistently pick yourself up and show courage when no one else is there for you, your hard work will and often does pay off in ways not exactly measurable, but definitely present. I can’t tell you have many times I’ve felt and admittedly sometimes, still feel like just calling it a day and giving up on the spot. I then think about how far I’ve come, how proud I’ve made not only myself but my loved one and how much of a waste it would be to just quit now as opposed to when I’m on my deathbed. Life really is worth fighting every second for, even if you don’t always realize it right there and then. At least so I’ve myself convinced. Even if true happiness doesn’t exist, you could still always say you’ve put up a pretty damn good fight.