Social Question

spykenij's avatar

Why can't I just be myself without being a doormat?

Asked by spykenij (1779 points ) October 10th, 2011

Why did I just comfort my ex when it was MY cat who had to be put to sleep today? Am I too nice? I mean, she was the mommy and I am the daddy (SHE left, not me) to 4 cats total in the beginning. I had 2 and now 0, she still has her 2. She was pissed because her “friend” at work said she could go and later said she couldn’t go to put the cat down. The same “friend” I rushed to the hospital when her appendix was rotting inside her, by the way. My ex just kept focusing on what that person “did to her.” I looked into her eyes, put my hand on her shoulder, spoke softly and let her know she was there with me just the same and he knows it. I even called her from there and put the phone by his ear after it was done. I did this for my 2nd time ever, but I had never done this alone before, until today. She can accept my comforting her and be ok with it, but she didn’t do shit for me and it didn’t even dawn on her. I’m gonna go lay down, but please tell me what you think. She needs to go to the family she can barely communicate with, for support right now. I feel bad even saying that :P What is wrong with me?

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14 Answers

Neizvestnaya's avatar

You’re reaching out for an ex that doesn’t want you and you are latching onto any event in order to try and get her to react to you. That’s not being a doormat, that being masochistic.

Stop offering yourself as a friend when she doesn’t want your friendship and you won’t be disappointed in her ingratitude any longer. The more time you waste wondering why she won’t have to do with you, the more other girls will stay away from you, good ones too.

lillycoyote's avatar

It’s hard to be sure about people and their relationships when you don’t really know them but there may not be anything wrong with you at all. You seem to still have feelings for your ex, even if she ended the relationship. It isn’t necessarily “right” to simply hate her and not care about her, just because she left you. How long has she been your ex? It might just be a matter of time before you can distance yourself and put things in balance. To still care about someone with whom you had a relationship doesn’t necessarily make you a doormat, I don’t think.

spykenij's avatar

I wasn’t latching on for anything. I didn’t even realize she did nothing for me until a friend asked and pointed it out. Shit like that hits me way later. Besides, girls are the last thing on my mind. She didn’t have to come over here and cry on me, she could have gone to where she is staying, but she came by because she wanted to. I told her I was fine.

dappled_leaves's avatar

I’m so sorry to hear about your cat. :(

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Doesn’t seem like you were being a doormat. Seems like you were supportive of a person for whom you have feelings, all bets are off then, you know? Sorry about your day and her day and all that.

Paradox1's avatar

If you are not appreciated, why waste your time when you could find someone to match your love and exuberance for each other?

spykenij's avatar

We used to until DEAD STOP on Sept. 23, 2011. She completely changed. She cried all over me and then got bitchy and left. This is not the person I met. She is completely oblivious to other people’s feelings.

dabbler's avatar

This is a mix of stuff, including your feeling obliged to share the loss of a mutual pet.

That was kind and decent of you. Expecting her to reciprocate is apparently folly.

And it’s probably healthy that you got out of that relationship. @Paradox1 is right move on and find someone else who will be kind to you.

spykenij's avatar

Not expecting, pointed out and then it sunk in and hurt. Why do I not deserve empathy at all for the loss of my boy? Not saying my train of thought is right or wrong, just feel like I was just used without knowing it until after the fact. I do deserve better than nothing at all.

Moegitto's avatar

Your looking for your empathy in the wrong place. Your using a common point (Cats) to try to make a connection (Not intentional though). It may take some time but you need to try to distance yourself from her. Your going through the same thing a drug user goes through when they first quit, withdrawal syndrome. Like someone already said, the more time you waste trying to be her friend, the more people will look at you like your a social inept. I went through the same thing with the girl that I loved when I found out she was engaged. There’s a ton of different places where you can get the empathy for your loss. I suggest you go volunteer for a weekend at a local shelter, let your emotions flow when you get to help a homeless kitten/cat.

gailcalled's avatar

Firstly, I am really sorry to hear about Chester. Don’t let yourself get distracted from the primary issue, which is one of the loss of the cat you love.

You are describing classic self-destructive behavior; it seems, from what you have shared with us, that you have a pattern of this.

I suggest that you get some professional help to learn the tools, techniques and warning signals in order to deal in the future. Many of us on fluther have had couselling (including me) and found it to be life-saving.

You have let yourself be used, and only you can learn how to prevent it from happening again.

Thinking, “Why does she do this to me,” or “Why does she treat me like this,” or “Why isn’t she nicer or more loving” are useless questions.

Mantralantis's avatar

@spykenij – If there’s no doormat…then there may be a chance to be and think like a door knocker. Think about that.

abysmalbeauty's avatar

It sounds like she is the “victim” and you are the “rescuer” in this scenario an honestly this is a game she is playing and will continue to play. Watch the movie Yes, But… and perhaps you may find you way out of this situation in the future.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

Because given the opportunity people will always gravitate to an average low given the IQ of the rest of the room.

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