Social Question

Tumi's avatar

Is my friend in love with a conman and what should I do about it?

Asked by Tumi (136 points ) January 27th, 2011

My friend has met a man who is really good to her; treats her well and knows what to say to make her feel special. But I’ve caught him in a lie two times. Nothing too serious, but just enough to make me wonder what else he’s lying about. Should I raise a red flag or leave her to enjoy her relationship? Or do liars need love too? :)

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15 Answers

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Speak to her diplomatically and then let her work things out for herself. A polite warning would be good but don’t harp on it because she may get the wrong impression about your intentions. After that, the rest is up to her!

partyparty's avatar

I would mention this to her but don’t make it sound too serious.
If she is happy with the relationship then all you can do is be happy for her.

Cruiser's avatar

Slippery slope as people don’t like bearers of bad news and she may take your observations as meddling and interfering or even jealous. She probably can take care of herself. I would just be an observer for patterns of lies that would or could hurt her and only intervene when this guy is setting her up for a hard fall.

jca's avatar

I would like more details about the lies. you said they’re minor, but are they significant?

I agree with the rest – tread lightly because if she’s head over heels for him, she may tell him what you think, and then the two of them may avoid you.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Minor lies? What kind are they? Did he say he had chili for dinner last Wednesday and you know it was actually last Thursday? Or did he say he was never married and you know his current wife is pregnant?
There’s a difference.

marinelife's avatar

I would tell her about the two instances where you caught him lying. Just that with no conclusions. Perhaps a “I have found a couple of things very puzzling about Bill . . .”

That way if she has caught him in lies too, it may make her stop and think.

But it may not. Really, your job as her friend is just to stand by and be there for her.

jca's avatar

Can the OP provide more details?......

john65pennington's avatar

Liars may also need love, but remember that one lie always leads to another. This person appears to have a lot that he is hiding from your friend. The question now for you is whether or not you should inform your friend or not. correct?

Have you heard the old saying, that “third time is charm”? I would give this person one more time to lie to you and then i would say something to your friend. You can tell your friend that you let the first two lies slide, until you had positive proof. She will understand your concern and wanting to protect you. I would wait until the third lie to you is told, just to be sure.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@john65pennington We are friends with a married couple that have been married 40+ years. The wife is constantly correcting the husband no matter what he says. “You had corn with your dinner not potatoes” , “We went to the restaurant 4 weeks ago not 3”. “Janet’s third grandchild’s name is Trevor not Travis.” It drives us crazy. In her mind she sees his misstatements as a lies. Were his statements lies? I think they were how he remembers items of no consequence.
Now if he was on trial and a crime was committed 3 weeks ago and he needed an alibi, that is a different story.
Before making judgment I’d want to know what the “lies” were and if they were significant. Are they related to marital status, health, job, drugs, children… items of consequence?

By the way, I don’t know how the guy stands it. But after 40 years I guess something must be working.

KhiaKarma's avatar

I agree more info is needed. My husband is a liar, and I can say that without being upset because he is a writer. Only he often re-writes when telling a story about something that happened in order to make it more interesting. I know this. His friends know this, but he keeps us entertained…..ever seen Big Fish ? So as people above have stated, depends on the lies you have “caught” him in…..

blueiiznh's avatar

depends on the nature of the lie. There is certainly something not right with a person that hides pehind a lie no matter how little or white.
Can you give an example.

nebule's avatar

@worriedguy made me chuckle then, funny :-p (maybe it was the chilli reference?) you are soo right though of course!

Anyway, yes…more information needed please… but I would say yes, mention it to her like @marinelife says x

@blueiiznh not even ‘I had chilli on Wednesday…’? ;-) actually no I see what you mean…if it’s intentional then there’s no excuse and must be something a little bit dodgy… but he could have just forgotten the real day upon which he devoured the chilli??? hmmmm… we sooo need examples here….

LuckyGuy's avatar

@nebule. Actually they had the chili for lunch on Thursday not supper. She lied too. He was once talking about the price of his new car. He said ”$22 thousand” She corrected him: “No, it was $21, 7xx.” It drives us crazy!

Tumi's avatar

@Worriedguy; you’re funny. Thanks all for the answers and insights. Here are examples: He told me that he’d never slept with anyone, but told her that he’d had a girlfriend that he’d made pregnant and who had aborted his child. He also told me that he is a medical student, but he told her that he works in the military; doing very hush-hush stuff. At the time of our conversation he didn’t know I know this lady and, granted, he seems to tell her more ‘serious’ stuff than he tells me but that just makes me wonder, you know? It seems to me that his ‘military hush-hush life’ is just an excuse for him to fabricate stories that are convenient for him.

jca's avatar

If he had a military “hush hush” life he would not be telling you that. He would just say “I’m in the military” and he would probably tell you what branch, i.e. “I’m in the Air Force.”

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