Social Question

MilkyWay's avatar

Have you ever been in this type of situation? (details inside)

Asked by MilkyWay (13131 points ) May 9th, 2011

Okay, here’s the scenario.
Someone you’re acquainted with, dared you or made you do something delibrately misleading. Something that you had to do, knowing that your friends will believe it to be true.
After doing that thing, you feel extremely guilty and sad and scared. Scared that if you tell your friends the truth now, they’ll lose all trust in you and that they wouldn’t want to be your friends anymore. They’d think that every word you utter is a lie. Scared you’ll lose some very dear friends and that they’d see you as a bad person, whereas, in truth, you did what you did under some threat or pressure, and that if you told them that, they wouldn’t believe you.
Have you? What would you do in this type of situation?

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63 Answers

gm_pansa1's avatar

No, I haven’t ever been in this type of situation. I suppose I’m just a stickler for telling the truth. If I ever found myself in this kind of situation, well? I wouldn’t be in this situation.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I haven’t been in this type of a situation but I advise you tell them because it will come out, regardless and they will be more mad at how long it took for you to tell them.

JilltheTooth's avatar

Oooooh, Sweetie, what’d you do?

yankeetooter's avatar

I’m normally very truthful, but I am currently misleading many of my friends about something right now, and I was not coerced into doing so. I am feeling pretty badly about it, but I don’t know how to come clean except to let the situation dissipate, whch it is in the middle of doing, I think…

This is totally unlike my usual behavior…

Mariah's avatar

I’ve never had anyone put that kind of pressure on me. Are you comfortable telling us more details at all? :/

MilkyWay's avatar

@Mariah Details like what? I don’t really want to be too open about it, I’m feeling scared, but, I will try to answer your questions…

optimisticpessimist's avatar

No, I have never been in this situation. Without knowing details (I understand why you would not want to share on a public site), I would advise you to tell your friends. I know if I had a friend who was coerced into doing something and they told me about it I would be more forgiving than if it came out eventually and they then tried to explain.

Kayak8's avatar

The thing that sticks with me about your description is that you did something that made you feel bad, sad, scared and presumably the thing you did was lie. The part where I get lost is when you indicated that you had to do it, knowing your friends will believe it to be true. I can’t think of any situation where I had to lie about something because my friends would believe the lie. You didn’t mention coercion but indicated that your friends would believe it was true. I can’t see any logic in this scenario.

Mariah's avatar

@queenie Just wondering what you were so pressured into doing, and how someone pressured (threatened? :/ ) you. But I understand if you don’t want to share! I wouldn’t want to pressure you too, of course.

MilkyWay's avatar

@Kayak8 what if someone forced me or pressured me into lying to my friends?
@Mariah They told me to lie to my friends about something…. they threatened to hurt me if I didn’t. I don’t know why they are doing this, I can see no motive. I only know that they are serious about hurting me if I didn’t.

Kayak8's avatar

Will they hurt you if you tell your friends the truth now?

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@queenie Oh crap, that’s awful. I have no idea what to tell you in this situation.

Mariah's avatar

@queenie That’s terrible, I’m so sorry. If you told your friends, do you think word would get back to the person? Your friends could continue to pretend to believe the lie. Maybe you should talk to an adult you trust, too, and tell them what this person has done. It just doesn’t seem normal.

MilkyWay's avatar

I can’t tell my parents, that would just make things worse…
I know I’ve gotten in a very sticky situation now… but I just hope that well, I find the courage to speak the truth.
I don’t think I deserve to be anyone’s friend right now…

JilltheTooth's avatar

Well, we’re virtual, but you’ve got us!

Mariah's avatar

@queenie “I don’t feel like I deserve to be anyone’s friend right now” Well that’s not true: what’s happened isn’t your fault. If you don’t feel comfortable going to your parents, is there a guidance couselor at school or anything?

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Hey, somebody tell me how to make a US to UK phone call so I can yell at @queenie for saying she doesn’t deserve to be anybody’s friend!

Kayak8's avatar

@queenie Please don’t take this the wrong way, but reading your question (with the details) and then seeing your responses, my immediate reaction was that you were not an adult. My gut check on this is not in any way to belittle or minimize what you are experiencing, but it didn’t sound like a situation an adult would get into or respond to in the way you described. When folks suggested talking to an adult or your parents, potential dynamics of your situation were a bit more clear.

When you talk about people hurting you, do you mean physically hurting you or creating a difficult social situation? If you are in fear of physical harm, is there any trusted adult you could confide in?

Kardamom's avatar

Honey, I’m feeling very scared and worried for you, not just because you lied to some friends for whatever reason (you can usually fix those kinds of situations), but because it sounds like you were threatened with violence by someone and now you feel like you can’t tell anyone (friends, family, teacher) about it. Is that correct?

You don’t have to tell us all the exact details, but can you give us a little clearer description of what happened?

What is the relationship of the person (to you) who threatened you? What did they say they would do to you if you didn’t go along with this lie to your friends?

What do you think would happen if you told your friends, parents or teacher the whole truth in this situation? Do you think the “oppressor” would physically assault you or someone you love?

I’m afraid for you. Maybe you can PM one or two of us with the exact details and that way you don’t have to say any of it on the thread.

pshizzle's avatar

Yes. Just relax

Kayak8's avatar

I think @Kardamom‘s suggestion of a PM discussion might be a really good idea. I know there are several people on Fluther with whom you are close who might be able to give some constructive suggestions or help you walk through how to get to the result you desire.

MilkyWay's avatar

Okay, I’ve told a few jellies through PM…just waitin for a response now…
They told me to lie to some of my friends online…and yes @Kardamom, they threatened to physically hurt me if I didn’t do as they said.
Now that iv’e done the act, i want to put it right again by telling the truth but… I feel scared

Joker94's avatar

I just wanted to let you know, you’re gonna pull through alright. Just relax, and you’ll be fine :)
I know it’s not much, but I’m here if you need to PM me.

Brian1946's avatar

@queenie

“They told me to lie to some of my friends online…and yes @Kardamom, they threatened to physically hurt me if I didn’t do as they said.”

Then you’re just an innocent victim, and those who extorted you into that pretense are the only ones deserving castigation, and perhaps even criminal prosecution for that extortion.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Okay sweetie, here’s what you do- tell them you have a 32 yr old cranky lady who’s got your back, and that I will fly over there and smack them around for you!!! =0)

Seriously though….... you know I adore you, and I’m either here or on facebook a lot of the time, so hit me up. I really wish I knew how to make international calls.

choreplay's avatar

Queenie, is anyone else involved in danger and not realize it?

Seaofclouds's avatar

@queenie If these people you are worried about hating you are really your friends, they will listen to what you have to say and go from there. The thing is, since it involves you lying to them about something else, you need to be 100% open and honest with them about what happened. Tell them the truth and explain to them how you are feeling and explain that you are afraid of what this person may do to you. You also need to talk to your parents or another adult you trust since this person or these people are threatening to physically hurt you. You need to take the threat seriously and get help dealing with it. I know that is all easier said than done, but I hope you can find the strength and support to get through this tough time.

MilkyWay's avatar

@Season_of_Fall they never said anything about hurting any of my friends. To them this is just a game. A very sick game.

Kayak8's avatar

I go back to my question Will they hurt you if you tell your friends the truth now?

MilkyWay's avatar

@Kayak8 No. They wont. They/ve already done the damage. I have a feeling that all they wanted was to break me up with my friends…if I tell them now…...im going to lose everything..

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

If you don’t think your “enemies” will do anything now, I think you should sit down with your friends and tell them exactly what happened. If they’re truly your friends, they will listen to you without freaking out.

I don’t know how bad the lies were, but if I were one of the friends involved, I wouldn’t ditch you if you told me what happened.

Kayak8's avatar

So, you are not in any physical danger now but there are social repercussions as a result of the lie?

Brian1946's avatar

@WillWorkForChocolate

“I really wish I knew how to make international calls.”

I think the digits are: 011+country code+the rest of them.

choreplay's avatar

I’m standing with you Queenie. If threatened not your fault.

Kayak8's avatar

I can think of a lot of different lies that teens might share with friends (pretending to have cancer, pretending to be pregnant, etc.), but I think the context of the lie (pressure from others probably isn’t good enough, but the threat of real physical harm from individuals that your friends would believe capable of causing real physical harm) would mitigate your coming clean with your friends.

If the goal of the threatening party/parties is to screw you up with your friends, the next step is for that party to tell your friends about the lie if they are still finding you an entertaining person to mess with. I think, if I were your friend I would rather hear it from you than to learn about it from another party (who is very likely to minimize their own role in the drama when they tell the story).

MilkyWay's avatar

Okay, I’ve decided that come morning (it’s 2 am here) I’m going to tell my friends the truth. I don’t give a shit what the bullies have to say now. I don’t want to lose my friends but it seems like a lose-lose situation to me. So, I think I want to be the one who owns up, instead of the person who is found out. I don’t want to hurt any of my friends anymore than I’ve already hurt them and myself. Thank you all for your love, concern and support. You guys have been with me every step of the way, from joining a new school, to homwork, to my operation , to my parent problem, and now this.
You are more than just online friends for me, or more than just another interesting avater to follow. You guys are my family. Thank you.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@queenie I’m sending massive (((hugs))) your way, and a shoulder to cry on if you want. I’ll be praying that everything works out, okay? Good luck sweetie, and try to get some sleep!!!

choreplay's avatar

We are here for you and nothing is going to send us away. Keep in communication with us, ok. Promise?

MilkyWay's avatar

@Season_of_Fall Thank you. And I promise. Thanks to all of you for believing in me.—

choreplay's avatar

((((Queenie))))

Kardamom's avatar

We will definitely all be here for you, no matter how this situation turns out. If you need some specific ways of telling your friends what happened, we can help you with that. And we can be here for you emotionally if you feel like you need to cry or vent.

See you in the morning : )

KatawaGrey's avatar

Oh, honey, I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Unfortunately, some of your friends are not going to believe you, which sucks a lot, and there may be a few who will believe and be mad anyway. Remember, these people are not worth your time. It will hurt to lose these people, but in the long run, it will be so much better for you.

Keep us updated!

Response moderated (Spam)
Kayak8's avatar

@queenie Not sure if you have headed off to bed or not, but had some additional thoughts. If the lie you told was about yourself, I think your solution will work out in the end (maybe some tough hours in the days ahead, but better in the long run). If your lie was about someone else (maybe one of your friends), then you probably need to talk to that person first and clear the air before you take on the group of friends.

Please let us know how it went.

jasonwiese55's avatar

I am having trouble following along, but if I understand the OP like I think I do, then I have this to say: Real friends will understand if you were pressured to do something that you would not have otherwise done. If not, maybe you should find better friends.

SuperMouse's avatar

Do the friends that you were dishonest with know or know of the person who threatened you? If they do their reaction to your coming clean might not be as catastrophic as you think. Folks who are that downright mean and manipulative usually show their true colors. I believe your best bet is to come clean with the people your lies might have hurt, explain to them the circumstances behindthe behavior and ask if there is any way you might make amends. Your true friends know you well enough to believe what you are saying.

Hibernate's avatar

If they are friends they will understand.

[ isn’t this question better for social section ? ]

JilltheTooth's avatar

Like others have said, @queenie , there may be miserable social repercussions for you, but they won’t be any worse than what you’re going through right now, the way you’re being torn up over this. I know it’s the next day by now, for you, I hope you’ve taken the steps to resolve this. Your awful misery and pain just thinking about all this is so awful that pro-active steps to clear it up, although difficult and painful, probably won’t be worse.
If you need an extra mom on the other side of the keyboard I’m here for you sweetie.

MilkyWay's avatar

Thank you everyone.
I’m in the process of putting things right, and now that I’ve decided I’m going ahead with this, I’m fretting a lot less. I’m still scared of the outcome, but I know that what I’m doing is for the best. Thank you for all your support and wise words, they make me stronger.
Love you all.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

We love you too Queenie!! Here- lots and lots and lots and lots more (((hugs)))!!!

MilkyWay's avatar

I’ve taken a major step. Now I’m going to wait and brace myself for their response.
Thank you all for helping me and supporting me. No doubt that you have all given me the strength and courage to do this.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Good job sweetheart. Be proud of yourself and feel the relief wash over you.

Kardamom's avatar

We’re all very proud of you! And we’re all here. Just let us know how it goes and what you need. Try to get a good night’s sleep. : )

MilkyWay's avatar

One of my freinds is still reluctant to talk to me about it… but I’ll wait. Other than that things are going alright and slow. I’m very glad I told them the truth though, as the feeling I was living with was way too horrible. I want to thank you all ( yes, I know I thank people an awful lot, but that’s just how I feel, immensley thankful), for giving me the courage and support to do this. I think the worst is over. I’ve talked to the bullies and they of course, being bullies, weren’t too happy about me rejecting their threats, but I made it pretty clear that I wasn’t going to be pushed around anymore. I think they’ll leave me alone now.
Loving all of my family here. ♥ ♥ ♥

JilltheTooth's avatar

I’m glad you’re dealing with this and feeling better. Taking the power away from the bullies and asserting yourself is a good thing…

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Queenie, that’s great news!!! I really am proud of you!

Joker94's avatar

You go girl!

Magdalene's avatar

I have been into this situation so many tims..well I never lie anything to my friends because they are my best pals but don’t tel one thing to them which I think if I would reveal that will just end up my relation with them..So I don’t say and keep it as a secret to me and it will be a secret forever between me and the lord almighty who knows that I did nothing wrong that is considered as a sin but yes that’s something that my friends would not accept..

MilkyWay's avatar

Thank you guys!
I am really feeling much better now. My friends reactions weren’t as extreme as I thought they would be, so, it’s all good.
Love you lots and lots and lots.
Mwah ♥.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

YAAYYYYYY!!!! ((((HUGS))))

GabrielsLamb's avatar

Everyone lies… Like on a daily minute to minute basis… I wouldn’t worry about friends who so easily ditched you.

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