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MilkyWay's avatar

How do I deal with this trait of mine?

Asked by MilkyWay (13152 points ) June 19th, 2011

I trust people way too easily, even when I don’t want to. I get friendly with them, they get friendly with me. This friendly behaviour continues for a while, then they suddenly stop talking to me. I want to and try to keep in touch, but it seems like they’re avoiding me. They just don’t take any notice at all.
This has happened to me too many times and I want to be able to deal with it without getting hurt, as I do. Any suggestions?

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18 Answers

WasCy's avatar

Pardon me, but I don’t see a trait in you (based on that description) that needs fixing or dealing with. Maybe you need better judgment in picking friends (don’t we all, sometimes?), but being friendly hardly seems like a character flaw to me.

sarahtalkpretty's avatar

Perhaps they weren’t genuinely friendly. For example, when I was hanging out in the social scene I often met people who were all smiles and flattery until they realized that I’m actually more square than they first assumed and therefore they had no use for me. It’s okay though, consider that maybe that person did you a favor by not dragging you through an extended fake friendship.

MilkyWay's avatar

@WasCy Okay, being friendly is fine. But what about trusting people too easily? I want to be able to stop myself from doing that. I don’t think it’s very healthy and leads to me getting hurt or offended.

athenasgriffin's avatar

I have this problem too.

The way I deal with it is to try to take things slow in all my relationships. If you slow down, you will notice the warning signals that are put out by certain people.Also, you will not scare them off by becoming too much too quickly. Thirdly, you will actually get more out of the friendship that way.

MilkyWay's avatar

@athenasgriffin Thanks for that, good point. Can you point out any signals that I should look out for?

flo's avatar

They feel you are trusting without knowing person well enough to deserve the trust? Give us more detail more eexamples why you think you are too trusting.

rebbel's avatar

In my book there is nothing wrong with trusting people, and the fact that some of the people that you befriended and that quit contact, i think has not to do with you trusting them.
There probably is another reason for that, be it on your or on their side.
Try to figure out what could be the reason/what has happened in the period just before the contact stopped.

athenasgriffin's avatar

@queenie Funny enough, one of the main warning signs is someone else trying to take things too quickly. Of coarse, it can just mean they think you are a really interesting person, but more likely it means they want something. Also, anytime someone is complimenting you before they get to know you. When someone always talks about themselves, but never asks about you. When someone asks about you all the time, but never talks about themselves.

None of these things is a hard and fast signal that someone is bad, just indicators that may or may not mean something.

Also, listen to your instincts. If you feel in your gut that something is off, something probably is.

MilkyWay's avatar

Okay, thank you everyone! You have no idea how much your answers have helped me.
@athenasgriffin I will definitley look out for those signs, thanks :)
@rebbel Yes, I guess I’ll have to try harder to find out what happened after the abrupt stop. Thank you.

chyna's avatar

If this happens over and over to you, then maybe you are doing something. Once you strike up a friendship, do you call or text them so much that they back away from you? In forming new friendships, if the new person is too persistent in wanting to do things or hang out, I drop them.

lillycoyote's avatar

I was thinking along the same lines as @athenasgriffin. There is nothing wrong with being friendly but it is possible that you are taking things too fast. That may put some people off. I may not be trusting enough but if someone comes on too strong, when it feels like they want to be my closest friend, all the time, right away it makes me uncomfortable. I don’t know if that is the case with you but it’s possible.

And as @athenasgriffin also pointed, slowing things down might help with the overly trusting thing too. It may not actually be so much that you are overly trusting as much as you don’t give yourself enough time, in really getting to know someone, to find out whether a person is worthy of your trust or not. That can take time, it can take building a relationship with another person over time, learning what they are really made of instead of what they may appear to be on the surface. Some people are “what you see is what you get” people but many are not. Maybe what’s underneath the surface is good stuff but maybe what’s underneath the surface isn’t so good, but it takes getting to know someone for a while to find these things out.

ninjacolin's avatar

Maybe you’re just better than everyone who wishes they could keep up with your expert level stay-in-touch-abilities. :) keep being a good example. others will learn from you. be patient with others

WasCy's avatar

Part of the problem may be sharing too much, too quickly. Most people like to have more or less reciprocal relationships. You trust them a little, they trust you a little. You let them partway into your life, then they do the same. The relationship builds with each step.

If you share too much, too soon, then the other person may feel overwhelmed, like they can’t share that much about themselves as quickly as you have. The asymmetry of the relationship makes it awkward for them to continue it, and they are unwilling to follow your lead, so they abandon it. It’s probably not even a conscious thing on their part.

So my suggestion would be to let the next person you meet take the lead in how quickly the relationship progresses. Don’t share more than he or she does, and take the same time that person takes. Until the other person has taken the lead in that manner at least twice (or more, if things are progressing fairly rapidly), then don’t you take the lead for awhile. See if that has a different result.

_zen_'s avatar

I would first make the seperation between friends – and people you meet on Q and A and chat sites. You might think you know them – but what you are seeing is one small part of them, the part that writes things. No body language, no tone, sometimes no context. People have sides to them, personas, masks, This doesn’t make it less real – it just is – and should be taken into consideration.

athenasgriffin's avatar

@zen ‘s answer was so awesome and completely true. Who I am here is not who I am with my boyfriend, or with my best friend, or with my mom.

Jude's avatar

Honestly, the people that I have met who were like that (too much, too soon), came off as overly needy. Not saying that you’re like that, though.

MilkyWay's avatar

I understand each and every one of you. You all make sense and have helped me see things I was overlooking. I think I was a bit too open about myself :-/
I will try to obtain and go for all the points you guys have made, and once again, thank you all soo much :) You’ve helped me a lot.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

Get to know someone like me, and wait out that time frame, and then ask me what is annoying about you. I’ll tell you…

My problem is I have one of those stupid, moron consciences… Where even if I do lie, and I manage to actually get away with it, I always admit it eventually anyway. I’m like my own friggin tell tale heart.

But I wouldn’t take it too personally whatever it is… You might just need to be a little less picky, or find out what you’re doing, saying that people don’t like.

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