General Question

partyrock's avatar

Why do I feel like someone should save me ?

Asked by partyrock (3865 points ) December 1st, 2011

I’m not sure how to explain this question. I fall in love really easily, and I end up really liking people easily. Whenever I “like” someone I always feel like they could be my savior….. That they will finally be that someone who will understand me, and truly love me. I feel like it will be the end to all things hard, and I visualize, If I just had one true love, it will be the end of my worries… I’m not sure how to explain this. It’s been happening since about middle school. I think if I just met one person who would be my savior, I wouldn’t feel so empty/lost.

I have good friends around me, a great family, I have good social skills, so it’s not anything in those departments that is lacking.

Has anyone felt this way?

It also crushes me too. When a relationship doesn’t work out or if it goes awry, it makes me feel like I will never find someone who will be my everything. Does this sound weird?

I keep thinking in my mind he will bring out the best in me, he will save me, he will be my soul mate, he will be everything I’ve ever asked for in a guy, I will marry him, I will be in a long relationship with him…. and a few months later if I break up with a guy it makes me feel sad. Anyone know what I’m talking about? Thanks.

Could I just be addicted to love as they say ?

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42 Answers

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

You watched way too many Disney movies as a child.

Don’t ever let a potential partner think that you believe they can save you. Those that try are insecure enablers. Those that don’t will run away like a rat from a sinking ship.
____________

Forget about finding the right person. Start becoming the right person.

Everything will work out perfectly from there.

partyrock's avatar

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies – I didn’t watch a lot of Disney movies as a kid, and I am becoming a “right person”. I do a lot of work on myself, and I am proud of the person I am becoming. Really proud. But I still find myself feeling these ways, that’s why I’m asking the question here. and Good idea I won’t let a partner know that!

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

“I feel like it will be the end to all things hard, and I visualize, If I just had one true love, it will be the end of my worries…”

Princess syndrome.

cockswain's avatar

Ha! You’ll get over these feelings as you get older.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Perhaps my comments seemed harsh. Not intentional. Most westerners experience exactly what you describe at some point in their lives.

As a younger man, I suffered from Hero syndrome… probably from watching too many Disney movies. I polished up my boots and road in on my white stallion to save the day for damsels in distress… just like you.

I hooked up with one of those damsels. We were happy for about a day. But soon she started complaining that I didn’t keep my boots shiny enough for her taste any more. And boy was I surprised to discover that Princess’s need a lot of maintenance… a lot of maintenance.

Soon our fairy tale ended… and the Princess turned into a Wicked Witch… and the Hero became an Ugly Tyrant. Looking back, I understand that neither of us actually appreciated life for who we were for ourselves… but instead based happiness on who others were supposed to be. As long as everyone played their part, the movie has a happy ending. But Disney never followed up with a part two, when the Hero loses his job and scratches his balls on the sofa eating pizza and drinking beer during the game. We never see the Princess PMS or complain about the heater going out or the new ten pounds she gained eating comfort food.
___________

Becoming the right person makes it easier to be with the right person forever and ever… happily ever after.

cockswain's avatar

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies I love eating pizza, drinking beer, laying on the couch, watching the game, and scratching my balls. For real.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Nothing less for a Prince will do.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Though that does get in the way of saving the Princess some times.

WestRiverrat's avatar

Politicians don’t help with the ‘vote for me and I will fix whatever it is for you’ promises. They help foster the myth that it is better to sit and wait for someone to help you instead of doing it yourself.

In truth most people are happier when they are getting themselves out of whatever messes life throws at them.

partyrock's avatar

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies – Don’t worry it wasn’t harsh I’m just looking for ways to stop it because I know it sounds childish or weird. It makes sense it would be the princess syndrome, but I don’t see myself as a princess(I’m not saying you’re calling me that either). I have my own life, own friends, I’m independent,etc. I love my life and I love who I am, so I just want to know why I feel this way, or if other women know what I’m talking about.

Ela's avatar

I would say it’s because you are a sentimentalist. You are loyal, trusting, honest and believe in people almost to fault. You always look for and try to bring out the best in others. It’s not so much that you need someone to save you, but that you shine more as a team (in a relationship). You are a giver and giving brings out the best in you. Unfortunately people don’t understand this and you come across as needy and they can’t handle that.

btw @RealEyesRealizeRealLies, I would make an excellent princess ; )

partyrock's avatar

@WestRiverrat I understand what you are saying but I want people to know also that I am not just waiting around for someone to save me… I am independent, and have a lot going on. I just want to know how to stop feeling this way. I’m a mush.

partyrock's avatar

@EnchantingEla That makes a lot of sense!!

Ela's avatar

You can’t change your core very easily, I would suggest redirecting it. Do you volunteer at any organizations?

partyrock's avatar

@EnchantingEla – Yes I do. I’m actually going to Thailand in 2012 for a month to do charity/humanitarian work.

fizzbanger's avatar

I hate to drop this cliche on you, but you’ll find someone when you stop looking. Traveling definitely helps!

partyrock's avatar

I feel like I give give give so much maybe that’s why I feel this way.

@fizzbanger That’s a good cliche I was thinking that too :) Make sense :)

Ela's avatar

Focus your energy on yourself and things that really matter to you.

Someday you will find someone who will kiss you with their eyes closed : )

marinelife's avatar

The good thing is that you recognize that you have this pattern. The bad thing is that you have it. For someone to be your everything, your savior, puts too much burden on them—on anyone.

You could probably really benefit from discussing this with a therapist. I think it probably stems from a lack of self-love. You need to work on filling your own needs without someone else doing it.

That way you will be a strong and excellent partner for someone.

dabbler's avatar

You sound like you are craving a partner.
Develop self-reliance. If you are not self-reliant you will be a less capable partner.

janbb's avatar

My “saviour” just walked out after nearly 40 years. You’d better learn to live a good life on your own before entrusting your security to someone else.

Coloma's avatar

You sound young, and maybe it is your dependent side coming up.
It’s not uncommon in less self actualized people, but, it IS unhealthy and a great set up for some serious disappointment.

Nobody can “save” anyone, we all have to save ourselves first, on a psychological level, then, we blend with those that enhance our lives, we don’t serve ourselves over on a silver platter like a roast duck. lol

Wolves are always looking for those little ducklings. ;-)

Countrybumkin's avatar

Atleast you acknowledge what is happenning. You say you fall in love easily. Are you attracted to these people instanly? Then “fall”” in love over a period of time? Or is it very soon? Maybe you shouldnt give that feeling such validity .dont try to rush into anything. I think it takes along time to develop a relationship. Sometimes they turn out to be not the right one. Everyone wants that significant other. No body is that super human. I think your expectations are unrealistic. Focus on yourself and be patient. Also dont fall to fast take your time

WhiteWingDove's avatar

You wrote that you are doing a lot of work on yourself and are prou of that – Atta girl! Sounds like you’re heading in a positive direction.

You also write that since middle school you have felt if you could meet just one person to be your savior you wouldn’t feel so empty/lost. I read in a book that so many women think they need ‘that one guy’ to complete them. There was the example of viewing yourself as a glass half full, and that ‘perfect guy’ as another glass. Even if you view him as a ‘full glass’, in order for him to fill your glass it will diminishes what’s in his glass. Sounds a little like your own observation “I give, give,give” so it seems like that is something you really wouldn’t choose for someone else.

When I read that ‘half full glass’ example it challenged me to finally see myself as whole and complete, right where I was at that moment. Hard to explain, but I have never viewed myself as less than complete since.

Sunny2's avatar

“Some day my prince will come” I can still hear Snow White singing that. I also bought into the idea that there is a man out there ho will “complete” me. But he didn’t come and he didn’t come.
Meanwhile, I got an education, had a career, got more education, got another career. Then I met him, but he refused to “complete” me. We complimented each other, enjoyed each other and worked well together. I finally realized that when it comes right down to it, we are each alone in the end. We have to be ready to stand on our own two feet and cope with our lives. Any of us could be gone, poof!, in the next minute. So your job, and I think you recognize this, is to be the most competent you that you can be. No fairy tales interrupting that. There’s some one, there may be a number of someones out there. Take care of you and the rest will take shape as you live life to the fullest.
PS we’ve been married 50 years and I’m taking care of him.

linguaphile's avatar

I’ve usually been the one that saves others, not the one that sought saviors. I did, however, seek approval or reinforcement. Yep, good guys ran away- fast.

I believe life has ways of putting us on the path towards lessons we need to learn. I moved to Minnesota and for 5 years I was a community pariah, not talked to at work, not invited to any activities. I was used to being well liked, all my close friends were in other states and all my family members were far away. I had a choice—to give up and become a bitter person or to find the strength to like and value myself in the face of not being well-liked. I had to decide NOT to need approval or to need help or need to give help anymore.

Learning to value myself and my strengths, to like who I am regardless of what others think, and to decide what’s really important in my life—all… the best lessons I learned. And what do you know? After I became stronger and no longer measured my quality by others, people at work started talking to me and being nice.

I’m guessing you might be in a similar position—needing to learn how to not need others to reinforce you.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

I used to feel the same way that you do. There are a lot of wonderful people out there, and it is easy to see the good in them. I just doesn’t mean that they are the ideal partner.

My advice is to learn to be self-sufficent. I did, and it paid off. I found the ideal mate who keeps me challenged and doesn’t baby me. Instead, he gives me instructions so that I accomplish it alone. If need be, he steps in to help. This is a key factor in a successful relationship.

wundayatta's avatar

“Here’s“http://www.slaafws.org/40questions an assessment that can help you decide if you are a sex or love addict. Here are the characteristics of sex and love addiction.

I’m not big on the idea of love addiction and I’m not necessarily in agreement with SLAA, but I give you the links so you can get a little information about how the addiction community thinks of it.

For a while, I did think I was a love addict. Like you, I felt like if I met someone—the right someone—they would fix me. I would no longer be lonely. I would no longer have this huge pit of emptiness inside me. I would feel like life meant something.

People advised me over and over that I could not look for those things outside myself. I could only find them within. I agreed. That made sense. You can’t depend on others for your own sense of self-worth. That is dangerous. What happens when they go away? Who are you then?

But for me, I couldn’t do it without others. I thought I was nothing. Worthless. It took other people—many of them on fluther—to show me that some people did value me. They told me that the potloads of lurve actually meant something about me. People don’t just hand that stuff out to make you feel good (at least, not usually). They mean it when they say that something you say meant something to them.

And there was a time when I was falling in love with one woman a month on average. And they were falling in love with me. But I didn’t think that really meant anything for a while. But it did start to sink in eventually. The meds helped, too.

At some point, I began to feel like maybe there was something to me after all, and when that happened, things really did start to change for me. I thought I was worthy of love and wasn’t just some kind of dung-heap cheater who was not worthy of his wife or children or any friend.

Eventually, I was able to build a stronger sense of myself, and to do the things I needed to stay healthy. I couldn’t have done it without other people loving me. I didn’t have it in me.

It’s tricky, because you don’t want to be dependent on a savior, and yet you need other people and especially a lover to show you they see something valuable in you. People who never got that as children are especially in need of others to show them they are lovable.

We need saviors because we believe we can’t do it on our own. In fact, no one can do it on their own. We live in a web of others all our lives, and they are also mirrors reflecting us back to ourselves. We have to believe what we see in the mirror because we can not see ourselves. Thus, we need the help of others if we are to feel good about ourselves.

Yet we also need to have an idea of who we are that is ours alone. Something that expresses our own perception of self. Something honest. It is informed by what others mirror, but it is also something of our own.

I think that when you feel you need a savior it is because you do not feel seen. You do not feel like people are mirroring you. Feeling unseen makes us doubt, usually. There are a few people who rally need nothing from nobody, but I think mostly we need a lot from others, although people are not fond of admitting it. We think we are more independent that we really are. We are reluctant to acknowledge how much we are dependent on others. Especially when it comes to a sense of self.

Lovers make us feel seen. But often a lover sees what they want to see rather than what is there. At a certain point, what is there becomes more obvious and the fantasy can not be sustained. That’s when lovers leave—if they don’t like the real person.

If you love too fast, you are more likely to love people who are not who you think they are. That’s what I was doing. If you love too fast, you are allowing yourself to be seduced not just by the fantasy, but by the excitement of rushing into love. It is a head trip and it actually makes you leave your senses.

I love excitement. I love to fall in love. I love fantasy. But for me, those were signs of pathology. I think my loves were real, but I also think they were desperation and unhealthy.

So maybe you should take a step back and slow down your rush into relationships. I’m not saying to stop having relationships; just to slow them down. Get to know more about your bf before believing your excitement and feelings of love towards them. Just be skeptical of yourself.

gailcalled's avatar

@partyrock: What kind of a relationship do you have with your father? That is worth exploring if you are looking for root cause.

perspicacious's avatar

I have to say your little story makes you sound pathetic. I think you need to think of yourself as having more worth—think more highly of yourself. Wanting a person to save you is the same as being a victim by choice and it’s distasteful—I’m being kind here. My initial thought was to say boo hoo hoo—no one is interested in saving you so plant your own garden and find your own happiness. It’s your own job.

rojo's avatar

I suggest yoga and meditation. You are lacking in self-esteem and need to understand that you are a complete entity without additional input from others.

partyrock's avatar

@gailcalled – I have an amazing relationship with my dad and both my parents actually. I love them to death and I see myself in both of them. My dad is my hero and I don’t go without talking to either of them for more than a month.

partyrock's avatar

@rojo I will do that

partyrock's avatar

@perspicacious – I wasn’t looking for pity or trying to make it out like I was a victim. I love my life, I have good friends and family, I am independent, I work on myself, I am happy with the way my life is going, but there’s that feeling inside me that hasn’t gone away. That’s why I wrote this question to see if anyone else had felt the same way or knew what I was talking about.

partyrock's avatar

@janbb – I do live a good life on my own I just feel this way sometimes and I want to get to the bottom of it. My life is very good and enriched right now.

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whitetigress's avatar

You should just have fun while you’re young. Have tons of protected sex.

gailcalled's avatar

@partyrock: The best way to get to the bottom of “it” is to find a smart therapist. Look up repetition compulsion

”...The concept of the “repetition compulsion” is a central idea in psychoanalysis. The compulsion to repeat is curious because what is repeated is not pleasurable. On the contrary, it is usually a painful and destructive pattern of feeling and behaving. A common refrain of my patients is: ”Why do I keep doing this?”...

I can’t imagine more useful information that this. It speaks to your issues and even duplicates your language.

This idea works just fine in psychotherapy even though it originated in traditional Freudian psychoanalysis.

Google ”repetition compulsion” if you want to see various tweaks on the definitions and treatments.

Ten plus pages of hits

AnonymousWoman's avatar

No, it’s not weird at all. I would even go as far as to say it is pretty normal. It sounds to me like you would like someone in your life who you can feel whole with who you can love with all of your heart. It also sounds like you want this person to be a person who can love you back unconditionally and comfort you when the time calls for that. Someone you can view as important who views you the same way. Someone who “gives you the world” so to speak who you can “give the world” right back to. Someone who is “there” who you can go to who will just make everything “right” in the world by simply being there, even if you already feel fulfilled in other areas of your life.

partyrock's avatar

@AnonymousGirl – It’s like you just described me :) lol. Good to know someone here understands what I meant! and not trying to say I’m a princess waiting lol

zander101's avatar

There’s nothing wrong with the feelings your having quite frankly the opposite holds significant value. You have a HUGE HEART and I had to capitalize that because it’s the type of personalities that society presently is sorely lacking, under any circumstances DO NOT CHANGE. Personalities such as yourself who do get their heart broken become so distant, withdrawn and hold grudges that most of us wouldn’t think that would exist because they do an amazing job of pretending that nothing bothers them, once you hurt them they hold on to it FOR LIFE and it’s like moving heavy bricks on high water to get back on their level, very frustrating and demoralizing for individuals involved. The mere fact that you are able to maintain your personality speaks your heart’s depth in VOLUMES and if you continue to maintain your perception, your heart’s desire will appear to you (LAW OF ATTRACTION) and possibly he probably does exist and he’s closer than you think.

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