[NSFW] Is sexuality separable from the rest of our personality? Is any one aspect of personality separable from the rest?

It can be both, kind of like making inappropriate jokes around friends, but not your grandma. There are sometimes you have to be a different person.

A person may be prone to friendly conversation with strangers, but may not talk friendly to someone of the opposite sex while their s/o is with them due to the perception and subsequent drama.

All parts of me can come into play anytime I talk.

Believe me, when I am teaching my school-age pupils, the part of me that is sexual does not ever come into play. I think that may be a good example of what is meant by seperating this kinda thing out.

I don’t know how much my opinion about this is worth, since I am currently without SO. But when I was with him, and others in my life, there were aspects that I found pleasing without sexual context.
One does not think about sex 100% of the time. Or, I guess I can only speak for myself. Even when I was in a relationship, I did not think about sex or sexuality all the time. When I was at work, I thought about work. When I was driving, etc.
Anyway, he pleased me aesthetically. I loved his hooded eyes, and his high forehead. Looking at them excited a place in me that had nothing to do with sex, like looking at a Monet, or reading poetry.
The sexual attraction came after. For me anyway.
I talk with people all the time and am not thinking about whether or not I want to have sex with them. I don’t.

I consider my partner to be my friend and my lover. Obviously I am very physically attracted to him but there are times when I don’t feel like having sex (not often, I admit, but it does happen from time to time). These are the times when I enjoy my boyfriend’s company as my best friend. If it was all about the sexual then I think the relationship wouldn’t have lasted this long.

Recently, I felt ill and whilst I wanted him to hold me and stay close, sex was the last thing on my mind but that didn’t mean that I didn’t want him touching me at all.

Several of you are saying you don’t think about sex at various times in a relationship, but I still wonder if that means if sex is completely absent. For when we touch someone, while we may be not thinking sexually, it seems to me that sex is necessarily a component of touch, because it is associated with intimate activities.

I know it is inappropriate to think of children sexually, but I don’t think that acknowledging that humans are sexual creatures and that touch is part of sex as well as many other things we do means that we are behaving inappropriately with children when we touch them.

If you are sick or think your partner is beautiful, or are teaching a child, you are still sexual beings. Sex is not foremost in your mind at these times, but it is still there, certainly in your subconscious minds, where everything gets mixed up.

Do you think you completely and 100% separate the various kinds of activities of your life, or can these things be going on subconsciously? And I don’t just mean sex. That’s just an example. I also mean… oh… religious thinking or intellectual thinking—say analyzing of what you are doing—or competitive thinking or any other of the myriad of ways of being humans have.

I believe that all of us informs all actions, but that we try to separate things out for some other reason—having to do with ways of clarifying our thoughts, but not having to do with the full comprehension of how and why we behave. But others obviously think differently, and I’m trying to understand that.

I’m with @ro_in_motion All aspects of my personality and sexuality are well integrated. I don’t see a separate compartment for sexuality. Infact, one of my lifelong annoyances being an outgoing and playful female is having my overall open and fun loving and humorous personality style be mistaken for flirtation or sexual play when dealing with strange men. Bah! I HATE how a woman cannot just be herself, without being misread in her intentions.

Once, years ago my ex told me a friend of his asked him if I was coming on to him and my ex replied laughing, “No, that’s just how she is!” LOL
I think a lot of men need to check their egos when in the presence of a lively and vibrant female and not automatically ass-ume that because a woman is overtly friendly, humorous and naturally open that this means she wants to suck your d—k!

Sexuality begins more as a social construct than a biological imperative. A child is first taught to distinguish between genders and to identify with one. Sexual impulses start to be experienced in pubescence, becoming increasing pervasive in adolescence. With maturity it assumes a less central role in one’s life, though seldom completely disappearing even in the last decades of life.

A diverse variety of drives stand ready to provide motivation for thought, emotion and action, given an appropriate stimulus. This gives the appearance of separate selves. However, I think that a distinction may be made between one’s biological self and one’s cognitive self. The latter, relying upon the development of executive functions in one’s frontal lobes, is where the self capable of asserting a will contrary to impulsive reactions and actions exists.

Do I contradict myself? Very well, then I contradict myself, I am large, I contain multitudes.

That being said, (thanks Walt Whitman) I find it very hard to seperate my sexuality from other aspects of my personality, but I know that it can be done. Whole seconds have gone by where I was’t thinking about sex at all.

@ro_in_motion seems to have said it best and nicely. I am me and multifaceted. I was in a fun retail environment yesterday, and I touched the shopkeeper’s arm in conversation. I can tell you that without a doubt there was nothing sexual in my touching her arm. I am not thinking about sex all the time.

Yes, I am gay, and I was touching a lady. Still, there are instances when I am with men, and the atmosphere is not sexual at all. It’s just not. I am not always thinking about sex.

@Hawaii_Jake The world needs more of us humans that are not afraid to be demonstrative. For those that are too uptight and anal, I say “oh well” too bad you are not able to in-joy human communion without fear and putting non-existent sexual spins on gestures of play and connection with others.

I think women tend to be better integrated in their sexuality than men. Women are constantly being judged on their sexual nature. We’re aware that we are being scrutinised. As an example, when you pull up to a stop sign, say, men tend to look around to see what they can see. Women, on the other hand, tend to stare straight ahead. Eye contact is often interpreted as an invitation to flirt.

I am not sure that today it is mostly men who like to watch the opposite sex. Maybe that was true when I was a young man. I think it relates to fantasizing. Some young ladies back then might fantasize about movie actors and popular singers. In my mother’s era, bobby soxers swooned over Clark Gable and Frank Sinatra. The more I think about it, however, the more I doubt that one gender ever fantasized much more than the other. Maybe I should submit this as a question?

I can’t really answer for my subconscious self @wundayatta but I think anyone who is comfortable in their own sexuality can seperate the sexual part of themselves from everything else when needs be. In my experience the people that can’t do this usually have some sexual hang ups or insecurities or even obsessions. This isn’t necessarily as extreme as it sounds though, as a teenager, before I was sexually active, I went through a phase where I thought about sex 99% of the time and, in my mind, even the most mundane of tasks would be sexual. I couldn’t seperate my sexual side from the rest of me and I am sure many young people go through that at some point.

Now, I am satisfied with my sex life so I don’t find myself constantly thinking about the sexual at the slightest touch. Like @Coloma I can be close to a person and even touch them without it feeling sexual at all and I think this is healthy. I’m not deliberately seperating this part of my self, it just happens. Nowadays society (western at least) seems to frown upon touching others especially if we don’t shock horror actually_know_ that person and I think this is because we assume every little touch is sexual and/or threatening.

So, to sum it up, I think it is healthy to be able to seperate the sexual part of ourselves from the other parts especially if it doesn’t take much effort to do so.

@Leanne1986 I’m going to say this more strongly than I really believe because I want to push the conversation a bit.

I think that separation of aspects of ourselves is unhealthy. To think that sexuality is not a part of all of life is unhealthy because you are stifling something that is a natural and healthy part of you. I think people do it because of an unhealthy fear of sexuality in our society. We think it’s bad somehow, and so most people try to strip it out of everything except for when they are in the bedroom.

As a result, we get all weird about sexuality. We forget that it is always a part of us and that every touch has a sexual component in addition to all the other components. Every relationship, whether sexual or not, contains sexuality. There is a difference between sex and sexuality. Sexuality informs our personalities. Stripping it out because we think sex is inappropriate means we stifle parts of ourselves and we become unbalanced and unhealthy.

Sex is certainly inappropriate in various places, such as between parents and children. But saying no to sex does not require saying no to sexuality. The tenderness of a hug between parents and children contains elements of a sexual nature, and that’s ok. It’s part of being a well-rounded person and a good parent. It helps teach our children appropriate boundaries.

Stripping out sexuality turns us into self-lobotomized individuals. Something is definitely missing and our kids pick up on that and they get warped, too. Sexuality is part of us. At all times. It is not appropriate to try to block it out. We stifle parts of ourselves and that leads to personality distortions that cause unhappiness—often unrecognized unhappinesses.

Hmmm. I said I was going to exaggerate, but now that I’ve written it, I’m not sure I did. I believe this is a serious problem. ANd it’s not limited to sexuality. I think there are other aspects of personality that we try to separate out and that separation leads to unhealthy consequences. We need to be whole people (is that something you find at Whole Foods???)

Due to social pressures, many of us try to suppress parts of ourselves unnecessarily because we do not understand that sex is different from sexuality, or whatever the analogy would be in other parts of personality.

@wundayatta can you explain more why you think there is a sexual aspect to a parent cuddling their child? Obviously it took the sexual side of the parents to create the child but something tells me this isn’t what you mean. Please can you also tell me what your definition of sexuality is? After your previous comment I feel that I don’t fully understand what you mean so am unable to comment further myself. How do you, personally, feel that your sexual side links in with, say, walking the dog or teaching your child to write their name? Whilst I am a sexual person and whilst I agree that the sexual is a part of me I don’t agree that it has to be a part of everything I do. I think that is the difference between our opinions on this. What other aspects of our life do you think are with us at all times?

I’m not sure I can explain. I know that I don’t separate it out. I can’t. It’s always a part of me. If I were to walk a dog, it wouldn’t be out there on top, but it would be there somewhere. Perhaps there is a kind of anticipation or excitement in going somewhere with the dog that is informed by sexuality. It’s not a desire to have sex and it’s not getting aroused, nor is it necessarily any direct thought about sex.

It is possible that there is some minor level of arousal that is like being sexual that adds excitement to the dog walking. Perhaps there is something about the way you walk the dog that adds some level of arousal. Perhaps you are thinking about someone you are sexual with while you walk the dog. There are many possibilities.

The thinking doesn’t have to be direct, and it doesn’t have to rise into your consciousness, but it seems to me that sexuality is still there. It can not be entirely separate because we are whole beings, not beings made up of parts.

@wundayatta Oh, I see what you are saying. I will agree with you as far as to say that whatever I do I will always be, for the most part, a sexual being. However, if something doesn’t rise into my consciousness then how can I be sure that everything I do is in some way linked to my sexuality? If you were using the word sensual then I would probably be able to say that I am alway conscious of it but I am not alway consious of my sexuality being linked to even the most mundane of tasks. One thing I am sure of is that I don’t deliberately seperate my sexuality from other parts of my life it just happens so maybe you’re right, maybe it is always there but I can’t speak for my sub-consious which leads me to ask you, can this question ever really be answered?

I think there is work you can do that gives you access to your subconscious. I think when you do this, you may find yourself being a more integrated person.

One example of the work that would help with this is meditation or yoga. I think doing music and dance or a lot of physical exercise also can help you quiet your thinking mind and allow your subconscious to see more daylight. When you do this, I would predict you’ll become more aware of a lot of different aspects of yourself that you usually aren’t that conscious of.

@wundayatta Do you think it is necessary to be able to be aware of our sexuality at all times though? What makes you think I am not an “integrated” person just because I am not aware what is going on in my subconscious? the tone of your last comment came across as quite superior, I am assuming this wasn’t the intent though?!

No. I do not mean to be superior. I’m just frustrated because I don’t understand what the difference is between me and the others who keep talking about this is such different ways.

What is it necessary? Well, nothing, strictly speaking, is necessary. We can go blithely about our lives without being aware of our personalities. However, it seems to me that being in denial is also a problem and can cause us to react in unhealthy ways.

I think that the implication of being a whole person is that you have all kinds of stuff informing your behavior at all times. You may not be aware of sexual feelings, but it could be that associations that you have with sexual circumstances are informing your subconscious thinking to a greater or lesser degree right now. That buzz of comfort may also cause an opening to your associations between comfort and being in the arms of a lover. It may be informed by those associations. In fact, I suspect it is informed by those associations, but that in our culture’s need to deny that sexuality has any place except in the bedroom in the dark late at night when no one else can hear, we try to sever these connections and pretend they don’t exist because we are perverted if, somehow, we allow those associations to appear in the “wrong” place.

So we spend a lot of our psychic energy trying to be proper and appropriate and we separate sexuality from nudity when it comes to our babies, but unfortunately, we can’t separate them when it comes to children, so we make childhood nudity illegal. Same with adult nudity, although at least it’s appropriate for adults to share the same sentence with sexuality. Don’t do that with kids. If you notice how sensual a child’s skin is, why then, the next thing that happens you’ll want sex with them. Right? Isn’t that how people think? If you admit to thoughts of sex, then you have to want to have sex?

So in our culture, because of that kind of thinking, people have to separate sex from everything else. We have to compartmentalize it so never the twain shall meet and never will anyone be inappropriately tempted. God forbid you should notice smooth skin on a child and have it remind you of smooth skin on a lover. God forbid it should activate your senses in a way that makes you think about sex, even just a little.

I think it’s a shame we can’t allow ourselves to feel what we feel. We’re adults. We can control our behavior. We can feel things and talk about them and think about them without acting on them. We should be able to, anyway.

One book that I loved in college was ‘The Herrod Expriment’ which addresses a lot of what’s been said here.

@wundayatta I suppose it depends on how far you are willing to take your theory as to how much I am able to relate to what you are saying. Seeing the smooth skin on a child and have it conjure up memories of a lover is fine even if that eventually leads to thoughts of sex with that lover, we can’t always help our thoughts or associations nor should we be paranoid about that. If seeing a child’s skin leads to thoughts of having sex with that (or any) child, then I would think that maybe your “at one-ness” with your sexuality had gone too far and could even be dangerous. In cases like this, there does need to be boundaries for the protection of yourself and others. However, we can’t control our thoughts so it would depend on whether or not you acted on those thoughts as to whether you are a danger to society. (Obviously I don’t mean you personally, the collective you.)

The way I see it, if something is genuinly a part of me, then there is no effort involved when it comes to being able to control when that part of me is most prominent and when it can sit in the background a little. Yes, it is always there because I am a sexual person but I know when it is appropriate for it to be at the forefront of my personality.

Personally, I believe that there are a number of different things that make me and I am aware of most, if not all of them. I am sexual but I am also a number of other things and the situation will often determine what part of me is strongest. For example, when I am dog training the educator and animal lover in me is strongest, that doesn’t mean that the others aren’t there but if my sexual side was the strongest part of me at all times, I would be incredibly distracted. That is when it is unhealthy.

I think, if you are happy/fulfilled with your sexuality and you can control your urges then there are no problems with being able to seperate that part of your sexuality when appropriate. Seperating doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

@Leanne1986 GA! I think that is an eminently sensible way of integrating oneself.