Social Question

InkyAnn's avatar

Why do we like to be "The one who..."?

Asked by InkyAnn (2431 points ) May 15th, 2012

Recently a friend and I were talking about something that spurred this question.

Her boyfriend and her recently got a roommate, His best friend. She and he have a lot in common. They both have seen numerous movies, old and new, that her boyfriend hasn’t seen. The friend and her both love the same foods, snacks, even anime (which he cant stand). They can get into discussions that he cant join into because he knows nothing about or isn’t interested in what they are talking about. Its like they have their own little world.

Now before you get ahead of me. The boyfriend is not jealous in ANY WAY. He knows that she loves him and only him, she doesn’t find the friend attractive in anyway and that his friend would NEVER cross that line.

Here’s where the question comes in. The boyfriend said to her one night ”you and ___ would make a better couple than we do with all the things you have in common and we don’t.” Her response was ”No we wouldn’t, you and I do because though him and I have a lot in common, I like that you and I don’t. I like being the one to introduce you to new things. If there’s something you like that you didn’t before me or didn’t give a chance to but did because I like it and now you do too, than I was the reason. I like being the one that turns you on to new things, the reason you know about ’ this and that’, the one that taught you or got you to like something new. With him, he already knows and that would get old.

So back to the question. Why do we like to be that one who… She told him she likes to be that person but not why.

Is it because after we “break up” when ever that person sees or thinks of something that we introduced them to they will always think of us? Or is it less selfish than that? Is it just because it makes us feel proud? Or happy that the one we love enjoys one more thing in life and that makes us happy, so we want to have a bunch of chances to do that?...Why?

Please REAL answers ONLY, NO rude, disrespectful, jokes or a#%hole comments.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

20 Answers

wundayatta's avatar

Why do we want to open doors to people? Because we like making their lives better, especially if they are someone we love. It validates our own choices, too.

By the way, just so you know, that last line was completely unnecessary. I was with you all the way until that, and then I felt liked you’d kicked me in the groin. I almost didn’t answer because all I could think about was how rude and disrespectful your question is—just the thing you said you didn’t want. So ironic. So unnecessary.

ucme's avatar

I read that last line too & immediately realised I was ruled out of the equation all together.

SpatzieLover's avatar

IMO, we’re in relationships to learn and grow, not to be with someone that is 100% like ourselves.

I agree about the last line. I also almost didn’t answer because a) it sounded like @Randy ”Only nice people to answer, please” and b) Whoa to the rudeness after that wall o’ text

Fly's avatar

I think your friend’s response answers your own question. Everyone wants to have a place in the relationship, and everyone wants to feel like they have given something to the other person in a relationship, just as people hope to gain something from a relationship. If the people in a relationship were equals on almost everything, it would be boring, and they would not really grow together.

Are you aware that this is in social? Technically anybody can say anything they want, in any way that they want. Your final line immediately reminded me of Repeating Randy, like @SpatzieLover. It was really just very rude and demeaning. And it was completely unnecessary, as this isn’t even the kind of question that people would really respond to rudely.

Sunny2's avatar

I don’t agree with your basic premise, but it’s just a matter of opinion. I think that the more you have in common, the better. Then you can explore new things together. I would hope couples would share what each knows, as well. Anyway, that’s what worked for me.

InkyAnn's avatar

What I meant by the last line was, in the past on here some of the answers I got had nothing to do with the question or they were answers like ” I do it to get women feel like I’m superior to them and I can get more of them in bed ;) jk” or something like “maybe if you weren’t insecure you’d know the answer to this”. I didn’t want answers like that, just actual thoughtful answers.

InkyAnn's avatar

@Fly I have posted many questions that shouldn’t receive a rude response but they have many times in the past. And how is what I said rude to anyone when I was just asking people to not be rude on here. I wasn’t looking for only happy answers, but for people to actually give thought to it and not just type the first funny or nasty line that pops into their head. That is all.

mazingerz88's avatar

When I was a much younger man chasing an attractive woman that was not warming up towards me at all, a friend of mine told me there was something missing in my effort. And that was I would need to exert influence on her in one form or another. I guess introducing them to things they had no idea they would end up liking is a good example of that sort of influence.

InkyAnn's avatar

@wundayatta How is my question rude and disrespectful?

Fly's avatar

@InkyAnn The fact of the matter is that because this question is in social, people have every right to do that. I am clearly not the only one who thinks that that line was rude. I will say to you what I have said to many others- it’s all in the tone.

InkyAnn's avatar

And just to add, contrary to my lurve, I have been a member on here since 2009. Im not new to this website and know how some people can be on here.

InkyAnn's avatar

@Fly I put it in social because I didn’t want just text book psychologist answers. I wanted peoples personal answers but not for people to make rude comments about the question it self becuase they are bored or something. If it would appease you I’ll change the last line to “Thoughtful answers please”.

blueiiznh's avatar

IMHO a relationship is not all about commonality and sameness. It’s not about being completed by someone, but being a compliment to them.
It is a journey and not about keeping score or thinking that “I am the one who”.....
It is being able to accept the differences that is the more rewarding part. The differences lift each other higher and that is what a symbiotic relationship is about. Not everyone is that way, however.

Exerpt from Love by Roy Croft
I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;

I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can’t help
Dimly seeing there,

And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple

augustlan's avatar

I really enjoy introducing my husband to physical comfort. I’m the one who turned him on to things like down pillows, micro-fleece robes & lounge pants, high quality flannel shirts, padded insoles for his work boots, etc. I get very real pleasure out of seeing him appreciate the joys of those things and hearing him sigh contentedly. I feel like I’m giving him a gift that he really enjoys. Maybe it’s similar for your friend.

InkyAnn's avatar

@augustlan I feel the same way when I do something like that for my S/O. I actually turned him on to hot baths. Before me he swore up and down that he hasn’t taken a bath since he was a child. After we got together he got a job that wreaked havoc on his back, I kept telling him to take a hot relaxing bath and every time I would get back ” I’m not taking a bath!”. Finally he gave in and said it was like he found heaven on earth. Now he will relax in the tub quite often. He’ll tell his friends when they laugh that he does that “Hell yeah I take baths” haha. It makes me feel good that I got him to do something that not only is pleasurable but also helpful. Now I want to see if I can get him to use bath salts hehe ;P

wundayatta's avatar

@InkyAnn It was unnecessary to say that. I have found that people very rarely are rude here, unless the question pretty much is so vague or poorly written that no one can be sure what is meant. I think it is best to assume people will be nice and to ignore the few flippant or rude answers one gets. They usually come from the same people, anyway.

Your last line indicated that you presumed people would be assholes, which meant you presumed me to be an asshole. I don’t like being thought of as an asshole, especially before I’ve said anything. I wasn’t planning on saying anything nasty until you added that last line, and as you can see, I haven’t done so yet. I’m being a patient as I know how given that I am very insulted and would like to say a few choice words to you. I am not an asshole and I hope you will give me that courtesy in future questions of yours.

Response moderated (Writing Standards)
InkyAnn's avatar

(Corrected due to typos from my phones autocorrect) Duly noted @wundayatta. But if you know that you are not an asshole, and do not leave asshole comments why would you be offended when clearly knowing yourself that that last line does not apply to you? I would imagine that if someone who knows that they respond in a nasty way would think “well guess I can’t say what I wanted to” and the one who does not respond in such a way would think ” well I don’t answer meanly so here is my helpful opinion ”.

Ela's avatar

I think it depends on the nature of a person. To me it’s not a matter of being “the one who…” and more about people who are very giving like to do just that, give. I am an extremely giving person. It enhances a relationship and as @Fly said, allows it to grow. I believe relationships are about a balance of both complimenting and completing. Each should bring forth the best in the other therefore complimenting each other. As far as completely each other, I think there is a space inside each of us where another belongs and fits perfectly, therefore completing you, helping you to become all you can be. I don’t believe people are meant to islands. I think we all are here and in each others lives for a reason.
Being with someone who doesn’t enjoy or like everything you do is enriching to one’s life as long as the core beliefs are shared. You don’t have to enjoy or like all the same things but you do have to accept the differences and respect them. By doing so you open yourself to possibly some of the most amazing experiences you’ve never had.

ps. I wasn’t at all offended by your closing comment. It could have possibly been worded differently but I caught your jest and completely understand why you made it.

wundayatta's avatar

@InkyAnn I have no idea who you think is an asshole. Plenty of people think I am one. You could be one of them. I have a sense of humor that some people think makes me an asshole. In any case, none of that matters. I felt insulted by the comment. You don’t need to care about that or do anything about it. Maybe it doesn’t bother you and you feel completely justified in saying it. That’s fine. Good luck with it.

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