General Question

minnie19's avatar

Can good men often control their sexual desires?

Asked by minnie19 (435 points ) July 3rd, 2012 from iPhone

If an attractive girl was alone with a nice, educated guy, what are the chances of her getting sexually abused? Would men occasionally stop when the female ask to?

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20 Answers

syz's avatar

“Occasionally stop”? You need to have a serious discussion with a parent or other adult figure immediately. I am concerned that you seem to have a scewed perception of interactions between members of the opposite sex.

Any man can control his sexual desires. Any man who does not is a sexual predator.

Paul's avatar

If the guy is in anyway mentally stable he would never do anything even resembling sexually abusing a women. Take @syz‘s advice.

minnie19's avatar

Fair enough. I was curious because my good guy friend told me not to be ever alone with this guy who likes me. He said he might force me into things. So I was curious on how “regular” this is.

syz's avatar

That is not “regular”, that is criminal. Again, discuss this with a trusted family member or adult. And never be foolish enough to put yourself in a position of vulnerability.

minnie19's avatar

It can be crime or whatever. I was asking how easy it is to happen. I’ve heard many guys insisting on sex when they’re alone with a girl, and even if it’s not rape it’s still not an example of controling the desires… So is it hard for horny guys to resist sex when they’re alone with a very attractive girl, or is it easily controled?

syz's avatar

Wow, you really, really need to talk to someone. “Insisting” is rape, and is criminal.

minnie19's avatar

syz, I know it is criminal. But not everyone follows the law just because it is the law.
my question is more about desires and a moment situation.

WestRiverrat's avatar

Real men can control their actions, if not their sexual desires, without the benefit of having others in the room.

Aethelflaed's avatar

This is actually pretty regular. It is also criminal, and, at least in my state, a felony. (I don’t know the laws of other states as well).

As a rule, I don’t hang around people whom I can’t trust not to sexually assault me. Dealbreaker. Don’t give a shit how awesome you are in any other area.

The reason for sexual assault is not the inability to control their urges. It is about control and power. It is the decision that what they desire matters more than your rights. Tons and tons of people are crazy horny, and they manage not to sexually assault anyone.

How easy is it? Tough question. Studies say that 1 in 3 to 1 in 5 (variations depending upon the definitions and phrased used) women will be raped within her lifetime. 1 in 12 to 1 in 14 men will admit to forcing a woman though physical means to have sex even when she doesn’t want to so long as you don’t use the “r” word. (To the best of my knowledge, we do not have comparable studies that include coercion.) Over half of all high school boys agree that there are some cases in which it’s ok to force a woman to have sex; 36% of the high school girls concur. 6 in 10 rapes occur within the home of the victim or the home of the victim’s relative or close friend. At least 70% of all rapes are perpetrated by someone the victim knows at the time. 44% of all victims are under 18, 80% are under 30. Most rapists do not have a diagnosed mental disorder at the time of the rape. So, what I’m saying is, if this friend is telling you about red flags on this guys, it’s probably best to stay away. Having said that, even if you don’t, rape is NEVER the victim’s fault.

gorillapaws's avatar

A guy may be persistent in such a situation, but men know the difference between trying to be persuasive and violating someone’s consent (rape). This guy sounds like a creep/criminal I’d stay the hell away from him. Also, be VERY CLEAR whenever you’re interacting with a guy and you think he may try to make some unwanted physical advance on you. Be, loud, direct, say “NO”, physically push him backwards, and scream for your life if he keeps going. This will convince any man who may be confused of your intent. If he keeps going, kick him in the balls and put your thumbs through his eyeballs.

This may not come out right, but sometimes these situations can sometimes be ambiguous. I’ve had encounters with some women who told me to stop (and so I immediately did) and then later they got angry, because they wanted me to keep going but didn’t want me to think they were easy. I think some guys get the idea that it’s expected of them to be aggressive and this can lead to rape. It’s always the rapists fault, but I do think there are steps the potential victim can take to be very clear so there is absolutely no confusion about consent.

Aethelflaed's avatar

@gorillapaws “men know the difference” – men? Just, having a penis? Who the hell is committing all these rapes then? Also: persuasion is coercion.

Aethelflaed's avatar

You know what might be some really good resources for you? The national rape hotline, RAAIN (1–800-656-HOPE). Also, this book, which might help clarify issues around consent for you .

gorillapaws's avatar

@Aethelflaed sorry, but I’m not following.

Aethelflaed's avatar

@gorillapaws “men know the difference between trying to be persuasive and violating someone’s consent (rape)”. “Men” being… people with a penis? People who identify as a man? Exactly what is the difference between “men”, who know the difference, and all those men who rape.

The absence of a no is not a yes. Only a yes is a yes. Additionally, English speakers are not taught to say “no”. Rather, we’re taught to say “Oh, I’d love to, but I already have plans” or “That’s really sweet of you, but I have an early morning meeting”. In all other conversations, these soften rejections are understood for just what they are – rejections. Only in cases of sexual assault are people suddenly confused about how our language works, and only in cases of sexual assault is there a burden on someone to say “no” and not “thanks, but”.

Know what the response is to women who want you to keep pursuing them after they’ve said no? “It’s just as much your responsibility to clearly communicate your desires as much as it is mine, and since no means no, I stopped. If you want to have sex, please let me know.”

gorillapaws's avatar

@Aethelflaed “Exactly what is the difference between “men”, who know the difference, and all those men who rape.”

There is no difference, rapist know they’re doing something wrong when they’re doing it, that was my point.

I don’t think persuasion is always coercion. Saying “I’ll still respect you in the morning,” or “I want to make you feel good” is different than coercive tactics like blackmail or threatening to fire someone if they don’t consent, etc.

I’m not saying there’s a legal burden for the victim to say “no.” I’m saying it’s a good idea for women to be clear about their consent or non-consent. I’ve had a woman tell me that “sometimes no means yes” which is pretty fucking annoying and you can’t tell me that that can’t lead to confusion about consent.

I just think it’s the best policy for everyone to be very clear about consent/non-consent. Relying on non-verbal signals, or “soft” rejections like “I’m not sure” is not nearly good as being firm, direct, and clear. I don’t understand what the problem with that is.

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

Seriously. Who is doing all this raping? I am looking at @Aethelflaed‘s statistics and I am horrified. I believe that it is happening, but it has got to be just a few guys doing it to multiple women.

When I was young and super horny I was scared of women telling other women in my social circle if I ate with the wrong fork on a date, much less pushing for sex. After 30 or so, most of my female friends seem to wrestle with their sexual urges more than I do.

CWOTUS's avatar

I’m glad that you asked, but I cringe that you felt you had to.

Good men always control their behavior. Period. Sexually, temper-wise, coercion and force-wise, in every wise. That’s how we define ourselves. That’s how you know who we are.

A man who doesn’t control his behavior is on some kind of sliding scale that goes back down-slope through “criminal”, “psychopath” and “animal”. And maybe “animal” should be higher on the slope than the other two.

bookish1's avatar

Wow, obviously this is the wrong kind of conversation to stumble upon when first waking up.

Any person can control their sexual desires. If they do not, it is because they don’t want to.

Being “nice” and “educated” has nothing to do with whether one will sexually abuse another. I speak from first hand experience here, having been abused by someone almost universally regarded by friends and coworkers as “nice,” “charming,” and who has an advanced degree.

SEXUAL ABUSE has nothing to do with sexual desires. ABUSE AND RAPE ARE ABOUT POWER. Testosterone can be a pain in the ass sometimes, but that is just one of many excuses that men-children are given by their culture to not take responsibility for their actions. And fuck them for using it.

“I can’t help it… I was just so horny.” In my eyes, it’s very close to the “she was asking for it wearing those clothes (and looking so sexy, and I can’t control my desires)” kind of rape-apologism.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Oh my. You have already received a plethora of good advice so I will only add two one things.

1) You are either hanging with the wrong friends or the “Guy friend” has some ulterior motive and does not want you to have a chance at talking with the other guy.

2) Be forewarned, if drugs are involved, (MDMA, Extacy, cocaine, etc.) all bets are off. Men and women both have trouble controlling themselves. Avoid that situation. Regrets last much longer than an orgasm.

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