Social Question

mowens's avatar

How do I tell a friend that I have feelings for him?

Asked by mowens (8264 points ) August 5th, 2012

I have a friend that just moved back in to town,. We used to hang out all the time when he lived here before, in 2007. I liked him then, but accepted that we would just be friends and never said anything about it. Now, I am hanging out with him. He just moved back to town and I like him now more than I did in 2007. How do I bring this up without ruining our friendship? Should I do it now? Should I wait until we are both drunk? (haha) I am gay, and so is he obviously. But I think he might see me as just a friend. He moved back into my city….. we are hanging out right now. I am a little more drunk than he is… which could be bad. ANYWAY advice… should I bring it up now? Should I text him tomorrow? What are your thoughts?

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19 Answers

mowens's avatar

I wrote this from my phone as we sit here and chat… and I haven’t seen him since 2007

DrBill's avatar

I would just come out and tell them.

Don’t wait till you’re both drunk or they might think it is the booze talking

mowens's avatar

@DrBill soooo not tonight? :)

DrBill's avatar

yes, tonight , right now (if you’re not drunk)

mowens's avatar

We both are. :(

DrBill's avatar

Then wait till you are both sober

mowens's avatar

What do I say? Should I do it over text or ask him to dinner? Will it ruin the friendship?

AngryWhiteMale's avatar

Ir might ruin the friendship, or it might not. I agree with @DrBill; don’t do it while either of you are drunk. Don’t text it either. I’d just start by saying you like him. Don’t say that you “have feelings”; just say you like him. Based on his response, you can then expand on this original statement (or not), and then see where it goes.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

augustlan's avatar

Ask him if he only sees you as a friend, or as possible dating material. It’s the only way to know for sure. :)

DrBill's avatar

ask in a gentle way, to allow him to back out gracefully if he does not feel the same way. I would not do it by text, that is almost as bad as breaking up by text message. Ask him to dinner, as ask something like *Do you think we would make a good couple?”

gailcalled's avatar

^^Too direct. I vote for Auggie’s subtle suggestion.

Mr_Paradox's avatar

From someone who has been their done that: FOR GODS SAKE BE CAREFUL!!!! If this reltionship goes south you are looking at a horrible goodbye. The las time I dated a friend when we broke-up she stole my car and moved home that night. Still haven’t seen her since then. That was two years ago too.

athenasgriffin's avatar

No, be direct. If you are subtle, he might think you are just joking, even if he really wants it to be true. Sit him down and tell him. I’ve had a friend tell me, and it was difficult for a while, but things worked out.

And anything can ruin a friendship. They are incredibly delicate. Unresolved and unspoken feelings will definitely ruin the friendship like a slow rot. This might ruin things but might make them better than ever.

mowens's avatar

@athenasgriffin Did you end up dating?

@everyone else: So the way I see it, there are three routes I can go.

Option A
We were talking last night about how he makes bad decisions when dating, he likes to “fix people up” (if someone needs a job for example) and once he does that, people dont need him and get rid of him. I could make the logical argument for why we should date… I am stable, safe, and he will never have to provide for me. I imagine this would start with something like “I am going to suggest something, and before you give me an answer, I need you to let me finish. I think we should date. Logically, it makes sense. We can open up to eachother, and we get along really well. I think thats how a relationship should start, we can build off of that.”

Option B:
I could come right out and say it. Hey, I like you, lets date. Or, I can be even more bold and just kiss him. Which can go really bad or really well. Or, I can ask if when we first met, if he considered our first meetings dates… because I did. This option probably makes no sense.

Option C
The next time we drink, I can make sure something happens. ;) Then, insist we have to talk about it. I like this one the least, but at least I get to see him naked.

I am kidding about oprion C,but it is a viable option if I didn’t respect him so much.

gailcalled's avatar

You will never find a better combination of words than those of Auggie, our resident sage.

They bear repeating: (I changed the location of “only.”)

“Ask him if he sees you only as a friend, or as possible dating material.” That way, if he doesn’t, the friendship is still intact.

mowens's avatar

@gailcalled But couldnt that be seen as me asking if someone else would date me?

gailcalled's avatar

Unless he is truly thick as a brick (and I am sure he is not) he will surely understand. The grammar of the sentence implies that you are talking about him in both phrases.

Try this out with a close friend whom you are not considering dating and see what he thinks.

Kardamom's avatar

I think direct (and sober) is the best way, but give the guy an easy out.

You could say something like, “Bob, I’ve been thinking that we should try dating . What do you think? I’ve been starting to like you more and more and think it might be a good idea, unless, of course, you just see us as _ friends_.” Then let him respond. If he’s interested, you’re good to go, if he acts all uncomfortable or tells you that he likes you as a friend, then just say, “OK, I just wanted to throw it out there, but don’t worry, no pressure, we’ll definitely still be friends.” said with a nice smile.

I’m crossing my fingers for you : )

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