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imgr8's avatar

If you find yourself constantly worrying, is it worth it?

Asked by imgr8 (425 points ) September 6th, 2012

Alright so first let me say, i’m less asking for advice and more just wondering what different people would or have done in this situation. My boyfriend has a really bad track record with me but we have started fresh and ever since he has been literally amazing. We have been through a lot together. I really enjoy being around him, he is my best friend and I can’t imagine life without him, I love him but i’m not in love. I do have romantic feelings that are quite intense.
I find myself constantly worrying that he’s going to leave me, not his fault, I am insecure but its affecting me a lot. Everything he does I worry about who he’ll meet and what he’ll do, sometimes I think he’s just waiting for someone better to come along. I have reason to think this which is his fault, but things have changed a lot since that incident and he tells me he loves me and only wants me. I believe him, doesn’t stop the worry though. I do not want to break up with him and honestly don’t know if I have the will power to do it even if I decided to.
In a situation like this, what would you personally choose to do?

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10 Answers

Coloma's avatar

Hmmm…..let’s see if I am getting this straight.
You are afraid of losing a guy that you are not even in love with AND, he has a “bad track record” which I am assuming means he has lied and cheated on you. You suspect he is stringing you along because there is nobody more exciting on his horizon AND still YET, you admit you are not sure if you COULD break up with him even if you wanted too?

You sound codependent, highly neurotic, most likely immature and addicted to an unhealthy relationship because of your neurotic insecurity and neediness. Yes, you need professional help, undoubtedly.

sinscriven's avatar

@Coloma nailed it.

If you have no trust in him you have no future. Either he will screw up again, or you will destroy the relationship by allowing mistrust to eat into everything even if he’s actually gone straight. I have a feeling this relationship is toast, but you need to seek help for your trust issues and neuroticisms before getting into another relationship again or this pattern will continue indefinitely.

imgr8's avatar

@coloma for the record, I laughed, and I agree. Yes I am codependent and I am seeing a counselor. No, in my opinion i’m actually fairly mature, if not a little confused. No, I don’t think he’s stringing me along I worry that he is but when I think logically, no I don’t believe that. Let me clarify if I wanted to break up with him I would, BUT even if i was convinced that I SHOULD leave if I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t… I know that’s still an issue.
By bad track record, he hasn’t lied or cheated but he has done a lot of manipulating and has changed his mind about the relationship a lot. He has some mental problems, a lot more serious than mine, and though I don’t use that as an excuse, I have forgiven him.
@sinscriven Your right that I do not trust him but I would like to.

Coloma's avatar

@imgr8 Well I am glad you can laugh at yourself, that’s a good thing, but yes, don’t you think you deserve better than a manipulative flake? Forgiveness is good but it doesn’t mean you forget the nature of the beast. If you insist on trying to trust an untrustworthy person with mental health issues, well, that’s like expecting a rattlesnake to not bite.

I wish you the best.

gailcalled's avatar

…he has done a lot of manipulating and has changed his mind about the relationship a lot. He has some mental problems, a lot more serious than mine, and though I don’t use that as an excuse, I have forgiven him.

Yikes. How can you possibly expect us to give you advice? That would be irresponsible. Talk these issues over with your counsellor.

(Are you both on medications with supervision?)

OpryLeigh's avatar

Seeing as you are not in love with him it sounds to me like you are scared of being on your own rather than scared of being without this particular person. It sounds to me like you need to find yourself (as wishy washy as that may sound) before being in a relationship. Regardless of how “amazing” he is being at the moment, this relationship doesn’t sound like much fun for you if it is causing you constant worry. Maybe being on your own for a while and learning how to be just you rather than someone’s girlfriend.

There are a number of ways you could help yourself to do this. Maybe see a councellor to talk things through and do stuff you enjoy, alone. This could range from simple things like taking a lessons in something that interests you or more daring things like going on holiday by yourself. Once you have learnt that you can be by yourself you will gain much more from a relationship whether it is with this particular person or someone else.

gailcalled's avatar

@Leanne1986: The OP told us..and I am seeing a counselor.

wundayatta's avatar

If you go on like this, it seems like the relationship will eventually wither up and die.

If you really want to make the relationship work, I think you might want to get into couples counseling. It isn’t enough to work only on your own problems. Or for him to work on his problems (is he in counseling, too?).

You should benefit if you both work together to identify the issues that make you feel the way you do and for him to do something similar, so you can negotiate with each other to start behaving in ways that will meet each other’s needs.

It sounds like you have made a start, but this is an ongoing thing, and he will probably benefit if he knows about your inner insecurities. There may be things he can do to help. Or maybe just knowing about them, and knowing they aren’t his fault, will make a difference.

You may want to find a counselor you trust who can train you how to communicate without mixed signals. Or you can take some couples workshops that do the same thing. Or you could read some books about this stuff and do the exercises together. It doesn’t matter so much precisely what you do so long as you take a proactive approach to learning how to communicate more effectively with each other.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Been there done that, it’s not pretty, it’s not attractive and it’s not healthy at all, for either of you. You have to let go, let go of the worries, the control and let him live his life or you really will drive a wedge between you.

If you don’t change soon you’ll make him feel like he needs your permission to do something or go somewhere or talk to someone, and to me that is emotional manipulation and abuse.

OpryLeigh's avatar

@gailcalled I missed that, thank you.

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