Social Question

Brenna_o's avatar

How do I feel at home with my husband?

Asked by Brenna_o (1729 points ) September 10th, 2012 from iPhone

I got married a month ago and I’m living with my husband in an apartment and I do not feel at home. I find myself wishing to be back at my parents house and I am not ever happy being in the apartment. I love my husband but I am really homesick! What should I do?

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27 Answers

YARNLADY's avatar

Bring some of your favorite things from home to decorate your apartment and research decorating themes that can help you make it your own.

zenvelo's avatar

Was this his apartment or new for the two of you?

The hardest thing about marriage is living together. You and your husband need to make a home together for the two of you. And you need to talk to your husband not people on Fluther!

Marriage is work, communication is key, and the two of you need to work together as a team.

JLeslie's avatar

I also wondered the same thing @zenvelo asked, was this his apartment and you just moved in?

How old are you? Did you ever have your independence before marrying? I realize you went from your parent’s home to living with your husband, but I also wonder if psychologically if you were already fairly independent from your parents? Were you spending the night at his place before you were married? Do you work?

I think having some homesick isn’t very unusual, especially if you are very young. I also think it is very common for people to not feel at home when they move into someone else’s apartment. I didn’t have that experience, I first moved in with my husband when we were engaged, and I felt at home, but I really felt like the place was “ours” when we moved into our first house.

I’m not very keen on the expression marriage is work, but I do agree communication is key. Have you spoken to your husband about it?

Brenna_o's avatar

It was his and I moved in. I tried talking to him and he said that he didn’t know why I wasn’t at home and that right now we can’t afford to move.

Brenna_o's avatar

I’m 19 and my parents were my sole providers my whole life. I’m not working I’m in college and he has a job and is gone all afternoon 2–8 and I get home from school at 1 after leaving at 930. So really we only see each other in evenings

JLeslie's avatar

@Brenna_o Well, it is perfectly understandable you are having trouble adjusting. Is he 19 also?

Brenna_o's avatar

No he is 24. It’s a big age difference but it works

JLeslie's avatar

@Brenna_o Is he very possesive of his space? Or, can you bring in some of your own decor? I think you are probably lonely :(. It can be very depressing to feel lonely.

Brenna_o's avatar

I have some decorations but the apt isn’t that big so there’s not much. And I picked the bedding and dishes and I have some pictures up but nothing more

bkcunningham's avatar

How far away do your parents live, @Brenna_o?

JLeslie's avatar

@Brenna_o I think you just didn’t get a chance to ever do your own thing. Straight from your parents home to your husband’s. This was very common back in my parent’s day. Are your parents supportive of the marriage? Do they live close by? Can you go visit whenever you want? Maybe help ease the transition? I think if you are happy with your husband your homesickness will ease up soon.

Why did you get married so young? Had you been dating a long time?

KNOWITALL's avatar

It takes awhile for a person to settle, it’s not unusual. Allow yourself at least a year to ‘settle in.’ I always felt lost when moving until my friends & family all came over and hung out, then it felt like home – maye you need a party!

Brenna_o's avatar

We met when I was 11 and started dating when I graduated high school. 3 months later got engaged and 11 months later got married. My parents live 10 miles away. They support my marriage but they said I should of waited till I was at least 20.

JLeslie's avatar

@Brenna_o 10 miles isn’t very far, go visit more. Or, even better have friends and family over to your place, I think @KNOWITALL makes a good point. Do you have girlfriends come by and hang out? Is that your daughter in the photo?

marinelife's avatar

First, tell your husband how you feel. Explain to him that you are really not feeling at home. He needs to make an effort here too. He needs to make changes in the apartment until you can pick out a new home together. WHich he needs to put on the priority list.

Next, work on making the apartment more your home. Is there a room (a den perhaps?) that you can decorate just the way that you want it?

I think that you should do some volunteer work. Nothing will make you feel better faster than to see someone who has real problems.

Know that marriage is a big adjustment. Plan some fun things you can do with your husband so that when he comes home it is not always all about how you are feeling bad.

Brenna_o's avatar

It’s a one bed room but I’m working on doing the kitchen. I only have one girlfriend and she is busy a lot too so we don’t see each other a lot. The baby is a family friends baby

CWOTUS's avatar

I agree with others who say you should talk to your husband about how you feel. What you’re feeling is pretty normal for anyone who has not spent a lot of time away from home before. But he should know that you feel this way (he probably already feels some sense of your sadness, but if he doesn’t know the reason explicitly, he’ll start to think you feel bad about ‘something he did’, and he’ll start to get defensive, which is also pretty normal), that it’s not his ‘fault’ and that he can’t ‘fix it’ for you.

About all that he can do is let you have your way as much as your budget allows to make the place “yours” (plural: your place + his place). If it’s just a small apartment and you’re trying to “fit in” somewhere, then you’re not going to feel like more than an afterthought.

I would tend to agree with your parents that you probably should have waited a while longer, until you were out of school, had a job and your own income, and you could both afford to get a place that was “both of yours” from the get-go. But what’s done is done, and now it’s up to you both to make your best way forward.

But do tell him so that he’ll be on your side and patient about letting you get adjusted, rather than defensive and withdrawn over what he might imagine to be real or imagined criticisms of him and his actions.

janbb's avatar

Would you like to have your parents come over for dinner and visit you in your new place?

Brenna_o's avatar

I think dinner would be nice for them but right now there is a ton of boxes everywhere. But I would like some ppl over if I could get all my stuff unpacked

Brenna_o's avatar

Oh I also forgot to add I jut had a kidney stone removed a week ago and I’ve been in pain so I’ve been stuck in bed for the past two weeks. Not the best time for me in any way lately.

Pandora's avatar

Oh, than what you may be feeling is loss from not having your parents near by to care for you. My daughter is grown and living on her own on and off for the last 7 years and when she gets sick sometimes, she comes here for some tlc.
Give yourself time. You are going to feel homesick most when you feel sick. Since he is busy I’m sure you are feeling extra lonely in your time of need. He will get better at caring for you and you will learn to adjust to the tiny space. As you guys build memories to cherish it will begin to feel more like home. Its not the things or the space or any of that. It’s the fond memories, Like burning dinner, or the embraces or the time you accidently knee him in your sleep or you fall off the bed.

JLeslie's avatar

@Brenna_o Well, no wonder you aren’t feeling at home. You aren’t all settled in, and you just went through a painful health experience.

I’m just double checking, your husband isn’t making it difficult for you to keep a relationship with your parents or to have friends is he? I am not assuming anything, but getting engaged quickly can be a sign of a very controlling man, and you are much younger than he which also could be a sign, but again I am not assuming anything, just asking. He isn’t requiring you to stay in the apartment or anything like that is he? Since you go to school I assume I am off base, but just thought I would ask to be sure.

Maybe try to make some new friends in school. Is it a university? Jr. College?

janbb's avatar

Sounds like you’re going a difficult patch but a very normal adjustment, especially if you are getting over being sick and your husband isn’t around much. As you start to feel better physically, unpack your stuff and make it more your own place. Then find some friends and people to be with during the afternoons. Maybe some study meetings with classmates? As you start to move and settle in, you should be building a happier you. Marriage can’t solve all the problems of making a fulfilling life.

Brenna_o's avatar

He isn’t controlling we just got engaged quickly because we had known each other so long we didn’t see a point in waiting for a long time. Right now both of us are kinda stuck in the apartment because it’s all we can afford till I can find a job or he gets a higher paying job. I’m going to a jr community college so it’s mostly people who are older than me. I sit in class with a lot of 30+ yr old when I am only 19. On top of the fact it’s a small town under 20k people. It’s small and not much fun around town. I could look into some groups but I’m not athletic so my options are very limited in that aspect.

JLeslie's avatar

@Brenna_o I don’t remember if you are working? If not, why not get a part time job that will be fun. Make some money and meet people.

Brenna_o's avatar

I’m not working. I’ve been looking for a part time job but not much is open for an inexperience workers in the economy in my area. So nothing is coming up

JLeslie's avatar

@Brenna_o Hopefully something will. Did you apply to a store in the mall? Christmas hiring is starting now! Just make sure it is hours you are ok with. Macy’s, Bloomingdale’s, Dillard’s? Double check they will not assign you some ridiculous hours for Black Friday before you accept the job. Not during the interview, but before you accept.

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