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chelle21689's avatar

Is he getting too comfortable or losing interest?

Asked by chelle21689 (4961 points ) January 30th, 2013

We’ve been together almost 2 years and at first I thought he was almost a perfect match for me. We got along, he made me so happy, he’s so sweet, makes me laugh, and considerate. I know that every relationships get into the comfortable phase but lately I feel like he has taken me for granted and has gotten way too comfortable to the point I’m starting to lose interest in our relationship. I no longer look forward to seeing him and want to be alone, say I love you, kiss, or anything.

Why do I feel this way? Well because

1. He has gotten very sarcastic. I hate his tone, but he is pretty sarcastic with his family though….BUT I feel like he’s always nit picking what I do as if I’m doing something wrong all the time.
2. He crosses the line. We admit to each other when we think eachother’s breath stink lol but it crossed the line when he gets close to my face and breathes his breath in my nose. It’s a HUGE turn off
3. He no longer compliments me and tells me I’m pretty or beautiful even when I try.
4. I always have to initiate cuddling, touching, sex, etc. He always kinda puts me off as if I’m not even trying to cuddle with him. We don’t kiss anymore..
5. We don’t have alone time, we usually go out and his sister tags along with us (she’s older and has a bf but hangs out with us…she’s very nice though)
5. When we’re in bed together we might as well be in different countries because he’s focused on something else.

He’s just stopped trying at the relationship. I mentioned it a lot to him about how I miss the sweet things he did and he said in a relationship you’re supposed to get comfortable. He knows it bothers me but I don’t think he knows how badly it’s affecting our relationship. I cry at night silently because of this. I don’t know how to bring it up without losing my point or having the blame on me. I’m no good at communicating my wants and fixing problems because I know people tend to get DEFENSIVE and then start listing things you do wrong.

People on a forum said I should break up with him and things like this people don’t change and to give up…. =\ But I don’t want to break up without giving a fight or even having the chance to try to talk.

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19 Answers

diavolobella's avatar

You should have a serious talk with him about your feelings at a time when you are not in an argument or upset with one another. That way you can speak calmly and rationally. It sounds like he has lost interest in the relationship or at least has lost interest in maintaining the type of relationship which you need to have to feel happy. It takes two people to “fight” for a relationship, which means you both have to feel it’s something you are willing to fight for. It’s possible he does not, but you won’t know until you ask. Perhaps there is something else going on in his life right now – some form of stress – which is affecting his behavior. The relationship may have run its course, but you won’t know for certain what is wrong unless you come right out and talk about it.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Wow, sounds a lot like being married to an immature teenager. shudders

Ages?

wundayatta's avatar

If you want to fix this, you have to learn to communicate your desires. Not as demands, but in a problem solving way. Find out what he wants. He should ask you what you want. You learn to talk and solve problems.

This is what a couples therapist can really be helpful with. Think of it as learning skills. It’s not about analyzing your secrets or anything. It’s about learning how to communicate and negotiate.

If, when you tell him how unhappy you are, he is unwilling to get help, that pretty much tells you all you need to know right there. He is saying he doesn’t want to work on the relationship. Do you want to stay with someone who won’t work on making it better? That will be up to you.

But you aren’t there yet. First tell him you are very unhappy and want to work on the relationship with him. Will he work with you? Then you need to learn how to talk without being defensive. There are many workshops to help with this. Take him to one, if he doesn’t want couples counseling. Then use your new skills to make things better.

If this doesn’t work, you need to consider alternative courses of action, such as the dissolution of the relationship.

chelle21689's avatar

Thanks, everyone. Wundayatta, I agree. But it was so discouraging from the other forum of people saying to BREAK UP when I haven’t even tried just because of their experience. Everyone’s different.

elbanditoroso's avatar

Relationships (in my cynical view) are almost always temporary. Sort of like two ships going across the ocean. Sometimes you are parallel with each other for thousands of miles. Sometime you sail together for a week and go your own direction.

It sounds to me like you and he have sailed with each other for a couple of years, and now his compass is taking him somewhere else. Unless you decide to take him prisoner (figuratively, of course), you and he (and your paths) will continue to converge.

Some people are lucky and are in relationships and marriages for 40–50 years. Some less.

Basically, you were ships passing closely previously, but you are now sailing in different directions.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@chelle21689 Most men I know are simply overgrown children, even those over 40 yrs old. I tell my husband that he can burp and fart on his friends, but I want and need to be treated like his wife and best friend, with respect.

He finally got that after I screamed it a time or two- lol, but some of the behavior you listed is how he acted during the first couple years of the marriage, before we had firmly established boundaries. He still slips and it’s been 13 years, but I no longer have to worry about dutch ovens every night- lol

Be very clear with him about specific behavior like your list above, like this:

“We need some time alone, how about _____ night, it’s just you and me baby.”

“You know, if you kiss and hug me you may get a ___________ before next Christmas”

livelaughlove21's avatar

@KNOWITALL I’d feel awful if I had to beg my boyfriend for attention like that, and even bribe him with gifts if he’ll be affectionate. Yikes.

My husband and I are around your ages and, yes, things get more comfortable after awhile and that spark fades a bit when you’re focusing less on your relationship and more on other aspects of life (bills, jobs, school, etc). However, neither of you should no longer be trying to make the relationship work – especially after only two years.

If you want to make it work, it’s going to take honesty, communication, and maybe even therapy. If he’s just done trying, though, you might be out of luck. It takes both people to make a relationship work.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Well my guy friends think women talk around a subject instead of speaking plainly, that’s what I meant by those examples. I think she’s out of luck because at that age and even older, sex didn’t fade that quickly at all.

@wundayatta is an abnormally articulate man, but I couldn’t see anyone saying “that” to a 23 year old guy and expecting him to want to go to counseling.

chelle21689's avatar

lol KNOWITALL gives good advice yes but has always considered counseling.

marinelife's avatar

You will have to get him to commit to fixing things. Sit him down (or write him a letter) and lay out exactly what you have said here, especially how his actions make you feel.

Tell it to him (or give him the letter), but let him know you do not expect an answer back right at the moment. Tell him you want to give him time to think about it. Schedule another talk for the next day.

Then listen to what he has to say. If he is looking for ideas to fix things, you can both read Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix. Do the exercises together.

Good luck!

wundayatta's avatar

Not sure what you’re saying, @KNOWITALL, but I started taking courses in communication in my early twenties. Hell, ,I was learning them by teaching them to high school students. Classic! Now most of the people I was hanging out with were not your Midwestern country music loving types. They were Northeastern political, feminist world-changing wannabes.

But communication skills are communication skills. They work in business. They work in relationships. You can learn them in courses in any number of disciplines. You can get your “therapy” in business school or in theater school or in arts camps or in wilderness camps or many other places, as well. Even 23 year olds who are not anything like me can learn this stuff and use it to save a relationship.

Most guys who have been with a woman for a couple of years will want to save the relationship. All she has to do is tell him that she wants things to be better and he can help. If he doesn’t want to help, then that will not be good for the future of the relationship.

Chances are this relationship won’t make it. But she wants to try. She wants things to do. This stuff doesn’t always work, but at least it gives her a better chance than trying to make it through with no ideas at all.

Shippy's avatar

I can only make suggestions since I don’t know you both. Sarcasm to me is a form of passive aggressiveness? Almost like you are annoyed about certain things but cant discuss it. Perhaps the nit picking is pointing to the things that are annoying him. Do you guys kiss anymore? Kissing and cuddling are other forms of communication that come after the other parts of communication are sorted and OK. So kissing is often an indicator of how well things are going, then sex.

Also just a hit and miss thought, but how intimate are you guys? As in do you floss your teeth in front of him, does he close the bathroom door when he uses the toilet? I suspect these things can make one lose ones mystery and can cause bed death. A term I heard years ago in regards to peoples sex lives. It usually hits around the 2 year mark. Sounds though you both need to communicate, and perhaps put a little mystery back into the relationship.

cmomoCPA's avatar

How old are you? How old is he?

What are your past relationship histories?

livelaughlove21's avatar

@cmomoCPA The OP already disclosed their ages above.

Response moderated (Spam)
KNOWITALL's avatar

@wundayatta I was just saying your verbage was a little formal, sometimes you have to ‘dumb it down’ for young un’s! You know I think you’re a genius!!! :)

wundayatta's avatar

I know you’re kidding, @KNOWITALL, but to take the idea seriously for a second, there are a couple of reasons why I shouldn’t “dumb it down.” First, I can’t without sounding like a poser or some kind. This is me. This is how I talk. Second, we are told in academia to never dumb it down. People will catch on. Do not underestimate their intelligence.

Aside from that, I don’t remember what this question is about, so anything else I say will sound pretty dumb.

I was young once. I was curious then, too. Scared of shit like therapy, but also curious. Ashamed of the idea that I might need it, but curious as to what it was like. I don’t know if I needed it or would have benefited from it, but I didn’t get any then. I did get some later, as I aged. There came a time when I wasn’t too proud to admit I could benefit from help from others. That time probably should have come sooner than it did.

ebasboy's avatar

Everything that fails in life reflect defficiencies associated with failures. I am not accusing anybody, i wish you could get my point. For success to prevail, there has to be a good base first. In relationships, the good base is actualy knowing and sticking to your principles. Not any but of Love. If you have the qualities that defines what you want, you can not go wrong, in the first place by choosing or accepting ‘Mr Right’.
But the problem with us lies here:
-We are so fond of being insecure/desparate that we cling to anyone who seem to portray one of the qualities we approve/or desire in our desired partners.
-We are so controlled by our feelings more so that when feelings fade we lose the definition of our desires. Here I mean in situations for example when you feel lonely sexually. The moment you find someone who matches one or two qualities you approve you will jump into falling for him in expectation of delivery in all areas of a relationship.

For one to be successful in dating, beware of your feelings, what you feel about others is not the actual thing about them until you have went further in analysing and discovering the real thing about them.

What am I trying to say Chelle? You might have missed it at the beginning by approving him to be what you desire by what you felt about him. You just approved him on one condition or character. Now he is showing you his real being in a situation he is right now, maybe when he is sexually interested in you.
You know, sexual feelings can be costed just by one boring when it comes to being emotional, social, professional and the likes. Let me give you a typical example; if you get attracted to a girl due to his seducing physical appearance, and end up dating, it will take a few interactions either sexually, or being verbal/just chatting, now there comes a time when one gets used to seeing the seductive well built body. When that time comes what will be left to seduce him? Think about it, if your talking or inteelectual capability is low and boring he will go.
What i can tell you is that the guy was not interested in all areas of your life, meaning that, he is used to what he liked most about you. what he does now is wait for loneliness feeling and when it comes he get satisfaction and you begin to bore him..I love you in spirit and wish you could understand the mindset of boys to girls and complications of the so called Love Affairs..

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