Social Question

tashasudo's avatar

I don't understand this guy at all... Can someone help?

Asked by tashasudo (85 points ) February 13th, 2013

Hey, so I’m 19, and I kind of have this thing for this guy, who’s called Q. I only learned his real name a while ago because EVERYONE calls him Q. He’s 22, and he’s the funniest person I’ve ever met, hands down. We only started hanging out just the two of us maybe two weeks ago. We met maybe two months ago. He works at the movie theater that everyone around here goes to, and is sort-of friends with my friend Jim, who also works there. So we had hung out a few times in a group of five people or so. He seemed a little mean and he has a very harsh kind of personality but he’s hysterical. He’ll do anything to get a laugh, even if he looks like a fool. I say he has a harsh personality because he’s very sarcastic and sensitive people could think he’s mean. I know his sense of humor though, and he’s nicer to me than anybody else.

He’s far from what I usually am attracted to, considering I am bisexual and usually am attracted to girls, and he’s nothing like the very few guys I find attractive, but I like him. Two weeks ago, I was going to the movies with my friend Ashley and she bailed on me once I got to the movie theater, where Q was clocking out. The theater is connected to a mall, and I saw him getting lunch and went over and talked to him. I think I surprised him and he seemed almost annoyed at first by my presence because I’m very bubbly and loud and he’s really calm and sort of introverted. But after talking to him for maybe ten minutes while he ate, he asked me if I wanted to hang out with him at the mall for a while, and I said yes. We ended up staying there until it closed, and we sat in his car for two hours and got into this really deep conversation where he told me that he’s dealt with a lot of sh*t in his life, which is why he has such a hard outer shell, and he doesn’t really share any of his feelings with anyone because it would break his hard shell. He told me that in high school, he didn’t really have friends and girls didn’t have any interest in him, and no one would really accept him, so he kept to himself. I could just tell he’s been through a lot, and he’s been hurt, and that there’s a lot more to him than what I’ve seen.

Since then, we’ve been hanging out a lot. Every time, he acts almost annoyed with me for the first twenty minutes or so, and makes a lot of sarcastic remarks and otherwise stays pretty quiet, which I just laugh off, and then after that, he becomes totally different. He warms up to me and he’s nothing but sweet and attentive, and he just makes me feel completely safe and happy. I really like him, but I don’t understand him at all. I’ve never had a difficult time understanding guys, but he’s a complete mystery to me. I think he likes me because he treats me differently from anybody else, and he’s nothing but patient and nice to me, and is sarcastic and kind of harsh with everyone else, but I could be wrong. I don’t understand why the first twenty or so minutes, he acts annoyed, and then all of a sudden he does a complete turnaround and he’s the nicest guy I’ve ever met. And I don’t understand what he said about not being accepted by people. There’s nothing wrong with him except his hard exterior. He’s not weird looking, he always smells great and dresses normally, and he’s so funny. He constantly has me laughing so hard that I’m in tears. I just don’t get it. Can someone help me? Do you think he likes me? Why does he act the way he does around me? And what do you think he meant about not being accepted and not having friends? Thank you so much.

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14 Answers

Coloma's avatar

I betcha a gazillion dollars he is an ENTP personality.
Google ” ENTP”.
I should know, I am the female version and we are quite the rare birds.
Natural born comedians, a bit fickle in our immaturity, amazingly bright and often very misunderstood.

Look up ENTP’s and then reply again if this sounds like him. :-)

Coloma's avatar

ENTP’s are the Geaorge Carlins & Robin Williams of the Meyers-Briggs typology.

josie's avatar

One of you is making it too complicated. I can’t tell which.
@Coloma And I have been told I am ENTP in the Myers Briggs indicator, and I don’t see it. But if true that dude does not sound like me.

CWOTUS's avatar

Welcome to Fluther.

You seem to be pretty observant, and if you like his joking around then it seems like you have a good sense of humor. (By the way, thanks for being such a careful writer, too.)

But if you’re going to be friends with him, and maybe more at some point, then this is a conversation you have to have with him. Does the sarcasm and “harshness” (as you put it) early in your conversations affect you (regardless of what you want to hide from him, perhaps)? How do you feel inside when he does that? Is it tending to drive you away or put you off?

Sarcasm will have that effect, and that may be his intent (whether he even realizes it or not). It’s one way that comedians and others have developed to fend off a sometimes-hostile world. If he’s not certain of your affection or good intentions, for example, he may be putting on a front, wittingly or not, designed to keep you at arm’s length.

I’d suggest having this conversation with him. Believe me, this conversation has been had with me before, and with good effect.

tashasudo's avatar

@CWOTUS The sarcasm actually sort of draws me to him more. It makes me want to try harder to get past his hard exterior, which it seems as though I’ve been managing to do? I don’t know, I don’t understand him. I have briefly asked him “How come you put on such a hard outer shell? You don’t have to, you know.” and he just responded with “It’s just who I am.”

Coloma's avatar

@josie Well….it’s easy to mistype, nothing is set in stone, but often ENTP’s are jokers.
Maybe you are a hybrid. lol
@tashasudo It may be just who he is, but….if he is incapable of ever being serious, vulnerable and open, he is an immature/unhealthy version of who he is.

tashasudo's avatar

@Coloma He is capable of opening up, as I saw in the car that night. I think he’s just become so accustomed to his harsh outer shell that he’s not used to opening up, I don’t know.

Pandora's avatar

I feel you just described my son. Some people take time to warm up in a group situation. It may be that after the other night, he may have some regret about letting you get close. He probably feels naked (his feelings) when you are around, since you know more than he has shared with anyone else. He may feel that you are being nice now out of pity.

Why don’t you tell him that you sincerely like him. It may help to lower his guard. After years of having his guard up, it is going to be difficult for him to put it back down. He may feel that he misread you the other night and he may feel foolish for opening up to someone who only sees him as a funny guy and nothing more. Least, that is what he may be thinking.

nicole29's avatar

@Coloma That’s exactly what I thought when I read this. Or INTP. Sounds like my boyfriend, a lot…

@tashasudo He might just need to adapt. I’m dealing with a 6month long relationship now, where I am still trying to get used to some of the behaviors you’ve described. Whenever he comes to visit.. he’s kind of cold, until he settles in and gets comfortable. Give it some time if you like him – but definitely keep your eyes open. You don’t want him to think it’s okay to be mean to you, or make you feel unwelcome. He’s going to have to learn to open up.. and you’ll have to learn to accept it, without taking offense, if it take him a while to get there.

I also suggest looking into the profiles of ENTP and INTP. This has been a hot topic in my life as of late.. really interesting. Obviously don’t put too much stake in it, though. More out of curiosity and to possibly fill in the blanks where behaviors don’t make sense to you.

Good luck!

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Sounds like the type of person you have to push the right buttons to be with successfully for a long-term relationship. Not the easiest of people.

augustlan's avatar

You say he’s introverted and quiet, but will do anything for a laugh. This is all just speculation, but those things in combination make me think that the sarcastic, humorous part of him is a ‘front’...what he is calling his ‘hard shell’. By now, he’s been doing it so long that it has become second nature and he probably just needs that warm-up time before he’s comfortable with letting his inner self show again. If you were around each other more regularly, maybe he’d get to the point of not needing to warm-up each time. But really, the only way to know for sure is to ask him about it.

ebasboy's avatar

You know where he got this sarcastic behavior? He was once unwelcome, therefore making him develop the means to fit him well in the environment he was not accepted. No one ever made him open during those times and he put on that hard shell he is protecting currently.

Now what should you do? The best thing for you to do is open him up, make him feel accepted though he konws that he is accepted today. If you have good devices I would say talk with him, but I believe you can. I don’t think he is difficult to deal with, because he does not feel that way back at school. What is left to him after that feeling of being un-accepted is an attitude that he inherited from the past situation. He is enjoying self closure of which could be dangerous sometimes in future if not delt with.
To avoid embarassement, ask him about this kept attitude and let him tell if he really trust and care about how you feel about him. Do this calmly when the outer shell is still soft. Why would he keep the attitude that was useful to him back in the days if so than keep par with the present welcoming environment? But all in all he is worth pursuit I think so!!

KNOWITALL's avatar

@ebasboy You sound like a perfect couple to me, and he sounds like he’s definately worth the effort. My mom told me a long time ago that when someone tells you something about themselves, you should really pay attention, and this guy’s been hurt, he’s hard on the outside because of that. He’s probably insecure and longing for companionship, but tries to protect himself, too. Sounds like a sweetie and the woman who gains his trust will probably be very loved. :) Good luck. And Welcome.

tashasudo's avatar

Thanks, everyone, for your awesome answers. You’re all great. :)

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