General Question

talljasperman's avatar

When or should I put unemployed and disabled on my online dating proflie?

Asked by talljasperman (18263 points ) 2 months ago

I’m thinking of EHarmony and match.com . I have a permanent, indexed for inflation, disability income until I am 65 years old. Right now I get $1588 a month.

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21 Answers

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

Be honest but you don’t have to include that.

FlyingWolf's avatar

I would agree with @ARE_you_kidding_me, there is no need to lie, just maybe wait until you get to know a potential date a bit before discussing those things

stanleybmanly's avatar

Those may be the facts, but you have no business allowing THOSE facts to define you. Do those sites require that sort of information?

ZEPHYRA's avatar

Don’t go too deeply into it but don’t ever lie or say things that can never materialize. Nothing worse than someone finding out the truth and disappearing on you.

Paradox25's avatar

I’m not sure if I would go with online dating here if I was you, and if I did I most definitely would choose eharmony over match with you being a more introverted guy. Just speaking from experience using both of these sites in the past. People are much pickier online because they have more options, and the tide is even less in your favor being a guy.

If you are going to go ahead with this, I would try to emphasize my pluses, like attending college (according to your past posts and questions), your interests, your likes, hobbies and preferences. Try to keep the emphasis off of your negatives, like your disability and unemployment.

Darth_Algar's avatar

It’s not something I’d put on my profile. I’d save that until you’ve been out on a date or two at least.
(You do plan on actually leaving your apartment to go on dates right?)

fuglyduckling's avatar

Hmm. Do what you want! If you absolutely need advice, I’d say don’t put your income at all.

LuckyGuy's avatar

From the excellent research by Nobel prize winner (in Economics) Steven Levitt, showed that for women seeking men on dating sites there was one factor that towered above all others for predicting if a match was going to be positive. He analyzed over 75 million matches on match .com, eharmony, and others so this was not a small study. He looked at all the characteristics men and women listed for themselves and what they wanted and then looked to see if the match was successful or not.
The most significant factor predicting if the woman would select the man and consider the match positive was not religion, or smoking, or education, or body weight or even age! By far, it was the man’s Income! “Likes walks in the park”, “makes me laugh”, was not even on the radar.

I know they want you to fill that box out out in your profile but you have the option of leaving that out. Some people leave it blank because they do not want to advertise that they make a high salary. By playing that game you might get more first matches and replies but they will soon drop off.

You are at a huge disadvantage on a site that uses hard data. You have no car, you live in a town with few people, you have a low income, you are overweight, and do not exercise. (All are questions they ask.) Before you throw your money away, think, “Why on earth would a woman pick me from the rest of the pack?”
I say, save your money and use it to do something in the real world where you can meet people. Volunteer in a reading program for kids. Help with Habitat for humanity, Surely there are opportunities in your area within walking distance. Get up from the table and walk the same route every day for exercise. Go to the park nearby.

From past Qs I know you will ignore our advice anyway. So, if you insist upon joining that site enter your true numbers. That will sort out a lot of women and save everyone much time.
Also, include a picture. Many women filter on whether or not you provide a picture. Having one, even if it is poor, increases your chances of getting a response.

Before you spend the money take a little time to do some practice searches and try different variables.

LuckyGuy's avatar

For the record, Levitt also did the study in the opposite direction: men looking for women. Men were not quite as shallow. Rather than 1 factor (discussed above) there were 2 factors that dominated the selection process. Can you guess what they are? They were body weight, followed by income. In fact with that large amount of data, Levitt was able to calculate the trade-off between the woman’s extra weight and her increased income on getting successful matches. I forget the number but it was something like $3000 -$5000 extra in annual income would offset 10 extra pounds of body weight.

That study is well over 5 years old. By now the analysis must contain hundreds of millions of data points

GloPro's avatar

Men are not quite as shallow? I’d say the opposite, according to your data. Apparently weight is not a factor for women… Thin, fat, whatever as long as a guy makes money.
Men need her to make money AND be thin. Sounds more shallow to me.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@GloPro :-) Womens’ preference was one dimensional – income, period . That is why I called it shallow. (If I recall Levitt used that term too.) At least men had two dimensions. Men are willing to trade off. If she is thin, she does not need to make money. Thin and make money? Hawt!
Hey! Don’t shoot the messenger. Levitt is a pretty smart boy and it is pretty hard to argue with hundreds of millions of data points.

Paradox25's avatar

Being a guy who’s unemployed and on disability is not going to get messaged by women online, and probably will not do too well sending out messages either. Women have tons of guys messaging them first, and many of these guys have good paying jobs, and for all intensive purposes, have ‘normal’ profiles. Personally I think you’re throwing your money away here. I would try to meet someone through hobbies, events or even at a part-time job.

Response moderated (Unhelpful)
LuckyGuy's avatar

The library in your town (on 49th st) is looking for volunteers. That might be a better place to look than an online dating service. I’ll PM you.

dappled_leaves's avatar

No, you should not.

@Paradox25 I think you meant “for all intents and purposes”. Purposes do not tend to be intensive.

Haleth's avatar

I would suggest not posting it on your profile, but being honest once you start chatting with them. In your profile, lead with your hobbies and interests and a little about your personality, and keep it fun and conversational. You would not believe how many guys come across as bitter, resentful, deeply unconfident, or having other major emotional issues, right there in their dating profile. I think it comes from a combination of trying to be clever and stand out, plus some serious issues with women. And they seem to have no idea why they’re not getting dates, or blame it on some outside factor like women being shallow bitches. Ugh! Ok, that’s enough of that tangent.

Here’s my thought process, as a woman looking at a guy’s profile. If a guy’s profile has an unhappy tone, the girl will imagine a future relationship where she is constantly having to bolster his self-esteem or otherwise reassure him. Related, it’s important for a guy to have interests outside the relationship. You don’t have to be a social butterfly or run triatholons or anything, but being engaged and involved in something is important, you know?

An important thing to consider is that meeting a guy from online can be a potential safety hazard for women. When I’ve gone online dating, I always used a buddy system and left the guy’s name and our plans written out next to my computer. I’m not saying that to put you off online dating, just to help you see things from our side of the fence. One of the earliest red flags is a profile with an unhappy or angry tone, or any kind of sexual content. (It’s too early!)

So anyway, I think you should write about the things that make you happy and why you enjoy them. You’re thoughtful and have a good sense of humor, and you’ve made a lot of interesting and inquisitive questions on here. Once you meet a lady and talk to her for a bit, you should bring it up then. Be straightforward, but don’t dwell on it. One of the most important parts of the getting to know you stage of dating is learning about each other’s unique personalities (and lives.)

Anyway, I’d be totally happy to look over your profile if you’d like. Good luck!

susanc's avatar

I’ve been on multiple dating sites and I can tell you from experience that most men are either looking for an immediate lay (they don’t care who it’s with) or they’re recently widowed/divorced and looking for someone they can pretend is their old partner, because they miss the routine. Sound harsh? It isn’t. It’s just real.
Also, most men on dating sites make a huge effort to convince us that they’re a) fit and b)
financially viable. That’s what they think women need. Maybe.
You’re more thoughtful than many men. You don’t sound like a catch demographically, but women like men who give a little thought to serious issues. Take the good advice you’ve already read and go out and meet some real live women. You’ll easily sort out which women would be good for you, and you need to give them a chance to do the same. Make some friends and then see what happens. This may be scary (it is for me) but good things do happen, and truthfully, bad things don’t. Sending love.

Paradox25's avatar

@susanc In all fairness many of the women are just as bad on many of these dating sites, which is why I don’t use them anymore. The typical match.com profile from many women was having 25 different pictures of themselves up, many times wearing questionable clothing items (in my opinion) for a dating site profile picture, and then simply writing in their profile something along the lines of “if you like what you see then please message me”. Women are just as bad, or just as good as men, no more and no less. All individuals are different regardless of their sex/gender.

ARE_you_kidding_me's avatar

Online dating is a maze, a mess and a goldmine if you know how to look. This Ted talk is a good primer

Dutchess_III's avatar

Well, look at if from a different POV: What would you think of a woman who put that information in her profile?

Regarding the study that @LuckyGuy mentions: I find it very interesting that weight seems to be very important to men looking for women. I thought that wasn’t supposed to matter in this day and age.

LuckyGuy's avatar

@Dutchess_III It is hard to argue with that much data. But wait! There’s more!
The August 9 to 15, 2014 issue of The Economist has an article about prostitution on pages 16 – 19. They summarize an international study that collected data on 190,000 workers and looked at many factors and characteristics including services performed, hourly wage rate, worker’s build, bust size, etc. One of the several charts provided was a graph entitled “Looks Matter” that lists the average price for an hour based upon appearance (build), worldwide, 2012 to 2014. The highest hourly rate was for “Athletic”. That was followed by: Thin, Skinny, Average, Baby fat, Flabby, Heavy, and last was “Very fat”. “Athletic” commanded a rate 50% more than “Very fat”. Apparently it does matter.
I won’t go into all the details but if you are curious you can find the article yourself and see how hair color, bust size, and hair length affect prices. Interesting.

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