What are the ingredients for a happy long-term relationship?

Honesty, trust, genuine communication.

I think that most bad relationships are a result of people not thinking in depth about anything. Who they are, what they believe, why they believe it, who their partners are, what their partners believe, why they believe it. People who don’t know themselves can’t have a good relationship with another person they don’t know well, either. In my opinion, anyway. There’s just no time or care given to truly getting to know others.

Basics are what everyone says; honesty, respect for each other, responsible, trust, and good communication.

Some things that aren’t so obvious:

Checking with each other what your individual goals are, and supporting each other in pursuing them. Add in goals for you both as a couple. Often it’s things like financial goals, or something connected to finances. It can also be career, # of children, wanting to own something, level of education, hobby, the main point is if your relationship stifles you then getting out of the relationship starts to look attractive.

Communication. People really speak different languages. Being able to work through differences and being sure you really understand what your partner needs and wants is a real skill.

Don’t stay with someone who has red flags. Usually flags are there pretty early on, way before the wedding.

Be a good partner yourself.

Commitment. Staying together through hard times.

Relieving your spouse of the things they hate to do. I hate emptying the dishwasher, so my husband did it as his chore when I also worked full time. Now, in my current house (that we just had to sell :() he let me put in two dishwashers so I can avoid doing it longer.

Really liking spending time together. This includes having some things in common. This would include what you like to do to relax at the end of the day. Is it reading? Talking? TV? If one person likes to watch TV and laugh with their partner there, but the other person wants to read, that means possibly almost every evening the TV person will feel abandoned; or, the reading person, if they watch TV for the other person, will feel resentment. It’s not that it has to be a perfect match every day and night, but it can’t be so different that there is constant compromise or resentment or loneliness.

Date and marry the quiet ones. They will appreciate you a lot more than the players.

Look for drug and alcohol use. Watch how they behave when they are intoxicated. Ask yourself if you would want to be with that person.

Watch how they spend money. Are they compulsive/impulsive? When married they will be spending for two.

Watch how they maintain their body. Do they eat crap? Do they keep their weight under control? Do they get enough exercise? Sure, everyone is responsible for their own actions but in a marriage each person is eating, exercising, and even making love, for two. The day you forget that is the day you start putting the marriage in jeopardy.

Millions of years of evolution and societal pressures have convinced most women that the men they want are the big, loud, aggressive, bad boys. We no longer need to spear mastodons or club saber tooted cats to survive. We’ve come a long way in the past 50–100 years.
Women would be a lot happier, and help the species, by dating and mating with the nice guys – the guys who behaved and listened, and did their homework in school.

This list is biased for straight women seeking men.

@LuckyGuy Great point about the alcohol and drugs. Not only do people have to watch for that in a mate, but also remember if they partake regularly they just became bad long term mates themselves.

@JLeslie Exactly! Sure, some folks will say it doesn’t matter. But ask them the same question in 10 years. It does. Think how much time, money, resources, and body health were spent on the intoxicants and how much better their lives would be 10 years down the road if the money went into the bank.

I am a social drinker by the way. I can have 1 or 2 glasses of wine. That said, you will never see me intoxicated.

Aside from the basics like drug use: Date for a loong time before committing, like more than several years. If something is not going to work it probably will not come out for a while. six months is a recipe for disaster. We all also have to be honest and realize that we know who we should be with but that is probably not who we want to be with. Finding that sweet spot between the extremes and then realize and accept it will not be perfect is going to help. I’m quiet and very introverted, If I had married the quiet, mousy, earthy type that I find strangely attractive it would not have worked because we would not have complimented each other. I ended up with an extrovert who does things like make out a 100 Christmas cards and thinks of everyone. Finding that compliment is a game changer in ways that are hard to predict. You end up working better as a team and while it can leave room for conflict, overall you usually end up happier.

It’s Russian Roulette. Most people pick their mate when they are on the young side of life…20 – 30 something. It is near impossible to know what changes life will throw your or their way. My mom said in her 60’s she is not the same woman she was when she got married and neither was my father both mentally and physically. Being able to weather and adapt to the challenges and changes that couples face is huge in having a stable healthy marriage. The single most important element IMO of picking a life long mate is personality. Having a positive outlook on life and a happy disposition no matter what is the glue that will keep a couple in love for ever. I have 24 years under my belt with my wife and though we have had more than our share of ups and downs, I married her because she is goofy as all get out and a blast to be with.

It takes a lot of hard work by both parties: work on themselves and work on the relationship. I personally think that friendship is a good base but you have to have romantic feelings for your partner to go with that.

You both have the work on communication.

You don’t have to be alike or like all of the same things, but having some interests in common is helpful.

Trust in one another as friends.

I think you need to identify what you expect (or need) from a lifetime relationship, and what they expect (or need). Everyone has their big list of what they think a husband/wife would do, but they don’t understand their list is personal and different than everyone else’s.

Most of the friends who have gotten divorced, there’s some need that isn’t met that the person considers completely obvious. When that’s not met, they don’t feel like they even know the person they married. It’s painful.

We want those needs to be instinct for our other, but that’s really tough sometimes, especially when we’re busy and something has to not get done. So I’d say the key is to communicate and listen for those expectations really clearly. Some of the things I would think were imperative for a husband, my wife could care less about, but she is really honest on what she needs and wants if I listen. I try to be clear for her as well.

Beyond that, just always remember the big picture of who they are. That’s who you’re in a relationship with. The rest is details.

Blood (fight for your partner..not against)

Sweat (keep the bedroom activities spicy)

Tears (understand that relationships aren’t easy..sometimes there will be tears..learn..move on..forgive.. don’t give up)