Is there something wrong with me that I'm having trouble caring for my aging parent?

In first aid class I was taught to protect myself first. It is normal for one to think of them-self first. Just do what you can to help and ask others for help with the rest. You are normal.

I have an understanding with my father that I don’t change diapers, after he refused to agree to change my grandpas diapers and pulled the plug on him.

@RedDeerGuy1 and I don’t want to get all analytical with myself, but to this day, I’m not all “gaga” over babies like the average person is, and I think back to my childhood when I don’t remember any affection from my parents.

@Lonelyheart807 Being an adult you have the freedom to decide your values as long as your are not hurting anyone. I would hire a home care nurse for whatever shortfalls are in your family care plan.

@RedDeerGuy1 except that is where the problem lies. I’ve been questioning myself all along that I’m not doing more and should be. And yet half the time I can’t sleep because I hear her moving around downstairs (that’s where she sleeps) and worry something’s wrong. And I’m so on edge now to every little thing happening that I worry I’m going to have a nervous breakdown. I don’t have the money for in-home care, or I’d get that for her in a heartbeat. But if things worsen, she’s not going to be able to live at home anymore.
And, oh, I have high blood pressure and diabetes, so none of this is doing my health any good.

Not everyone is a great care giver. I never wanted, nor had kids. My mom got sick and I had to take care of her a lot. Thank goodness I didn’t have to move in with her. But there were a lot of issues, including bathroom issues that I had to take care of that I never thought I would have to. Your feelings are not out of line and they are not selfish. I do know that our hospice care has respite care. That means they will take in a person for a few days to give the caregiver a break. I’m not sure how that works, but you could call to find out. Also, there are lots of services that will be paid for by her Medicare. Call them to see what help they can give you. You can’t do this alone with your own health issues. I’m sorry you have to go through this.

@Lonelyheart807 I would reach out for help in the community. I would ask a dr. and/or social worker for advice. The fact that your situation bothers you means that you are not a heartless cold bitch.

I recommend starting a go-fund-me account and ask for enough to higher pay for a home care nurse to cover the shortfall. As well as asking a doctor and/or social worker for advice

Some of us just aren’t caregivers, don’t beat yourself up. Get her help or in assisted living, etc..Doing it alonw is just too much, no shame in that. Your bwst is enough.

For what it is worth, I don’t think there is something wrong with you. It sounds to me like you are tremendously strained and understandably so. I’m glad a nurse is coming in tomorrow, and perhaps home health could some in on a regular basis which might make a big difference and give you a bit of a break. I don’t think this is a one person endeavor. God Bless.

Thanks, @si3tech . I’m hoping for that too. I know my mom doesn’t want to have to go into a home, so maybe this will work out, although I’m not sure. In some ways, the dementia worries me more than anything.
My dad’s in long term care, but it’s more his physical health than anything. He is still fairly sharp and calls twice a day.

It may well be time to consider placing your parent in either an assisted care facility or a nursing home. There are people who can help you with these issues. You may get the answers you seek by contacting your local Dept. Of Health and Welfare, or the like.

There’s a book called The Eldercare Handbook. I purchased it recently but haven’t read it yet. Kind of working up to it. I’m not sure where I heard of it, but it might have been in one of the syndicated advice columns. There’s a chapter called “Caregiver Burnout.”

I see that Amazon has quite a few other books on that general topic.

From what you’ve said, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you. I might even think there’d be something wrong with you if you didn’t find this hard. Rather, it just sounds like your coper is really stretched thin and you need some support. Once you get connected to one resource, it will probably lead to others.

Not everyone is a nurturer by nature.

Time for your other siblings to step up. Tell them you’re stressed out and need a break. Just because they’re too busy to help doesn’t mean they get off without any obligation. They can take time off work or take the hour trip to come by, stay with her for a while or an overnight for you to get out . Even if you get out already, maybe you need a longer break or maybe you need a few days to go somewhere and relax. Or maybe you need to tell them that on a regular basis, you need a break.

From what you describe, there are three other siblings. So if each one did one day a week, that would mean one day per month for each person, and one day per week break for you.

Yes you live there but this obligation is not yours, 100%. The siblings have to chip in.

Also, does your mom have money to pay for an aide? Does she have Medicaid? I don’t think Medicare pays for much regarding an aide but I know Medicaid does. Are there any day programs at local senior centers? They may be closed down now because of the virus but typically there are programs that pick the person up in a bus and take them to the center, give them breakfast and lunch and entertain them all day. If your mom has Medicaid, Medicaid will pay for that, or your local town’s senior program will.

I assume that your mother is a Senior with a pension?
That Pension will allow her to go to a senior care facility ( the same as your fathers?).
Call them and find out what will be paid for through her Pension etc
I suggest her moving with your father or the same place ?
Also talk with your father about the difficulty and he may suggest something like moving in with him?

We have an agency here in California called In Home Supportive Services (IHSS) that takes care of that. Maybe you have something similar..

@Inspired_2write My mom doesn’t get a pension. She only taught for maybe two years, married my dad, and had my brother about a year later. After that she never went back to work, but stayed home to raise us kids. (This was back in the day when families could afford to do this.) She is adamant about not wanting to go in a home. And although the place my dad’s at is nice enough for his situation (he can’t get out of bed on his own), she would not be happy there as they don’t have many programs. She’s also not very social.

@jca2 My dad had to get on Medicaid, and my parents had to spend down their resources. I’m not sure if my mom tried to access Medicaid what would happen with the house, etc. We’re looking into what Medicare would cover.

@Lonelyheart807: Your house wouldn’t be taken if you applied your mom for Medicaid or if she has Medicaid and you got her an aide.

Just a brief update…we have a nurse coming out twice a week to do blood work, etc., and a physical therapist once a week, do progress.