When he's stressed, he becomes aloof. This stresses me. What to do?

Some people process things internally, other need to talk stuff out. I do things internally also. Just step back and give him some space. If he’s like me, he’ll be more likely to open up if not pressed. The extra pressure just compounds whatever issue I’m dealing with at the moment. Hope this helps you a little…

Some people thrive on stress. If that’s his thing, let him stress. If stress is not your thing, then don’t buy into it.

if he doesn’t like to talk about it, and you push or nudge, it will make things worse. Just treat him the way that will show him you love him (ie: leave him alone) and you can talk about it later, maybe when it has passed. And yes…don’t buy into it. You determine if you are stressed, don’t let him determine that for you.

I am afraid I can’t help. That is how I react. What would help me would be if my wife asked me what was wrong and just let me vent. But she doesn’t. So I get aloof.

Maybe say “wanna vent?”

I know you asked the guys to respond, but I thought I would throw in my 2 cents. IMO, the best way to deal with this, is tell him how you feel. Tell him that when he gets stressed, you do too, and you just want to help out. You understand that he likes to deal with things “on his own”, but you want him to know you are there for him and that if he tries to keep you in the loop a bit more, it might help the both of you out. Guys often don’t want to discuss it thinking their S/O will think differently of them (perhaps think of them as weak) or might try to interfere. So it’s just important to let him know that you want to be more involved and not get pushed away completely during bad times, but you also are willing to let him decide exactly how involved he wants you to be (if that makes sense?)

Squir darling (my favorite, you know):

Go to an Al-Anon meeting – I know it’s not literally relevant, that’s okay – and get them to
give you a little blue flyer called “Detachment”. It’s magically helpful. Or, if they don’t have that any more, pm me, and I’ll write it out for you. It’s not about turning your back; it’s about letting the guy work things out the way he has to, without getting your knickers in a twist. It’s just plain not your problem sometimes: “You didn’t cause it, you can’t fix it.”
You know this. So shoulder the burden of loving someone who’s sometimes inarticulate. Talk to us instead if you have to.
I know this is frustrating. I do.

If you haven’t already, it’s probably discussing with him a little bit – at least to acknowledge that you’ve noticed he’s stressed/hurting, and that you want to be “on his team” in dealing with it.

The key is to be supportive of him, rather than adding additional demands. So I’d caution you not to present your feelings in a way that he might interpret as an additional burden, so he doesn’t end up feeling like now he has two problems to deal with. That won’t make him any more likely to share feelings with you in the future; quite the contrary.

You know how talking through your problems helps you solve them, and/or feel better for him? Because of that, if he was asking for equivalent advice, I’d say “listen to her problems!” – i.e. just do what will help you. Well, he has a different way of dealing with stress, and if you really want to help him, you should try to figure out and then focus on whatever will help him deal. In the process of helping him, you’ll likely get at least some of the emotional opening-up that you’re hoping for.

I don’t know what to suggest specifically, of course, but off the top of my head, maybe a little pampering? Like, cook his favorite comfort food for him, or take him to his favorite restaurant. Or tell him you can see how hard he’s been working and how hard on him it’s been, while you give him a great backrub. Sexual favors generally don’t hurt, either ;-)

Basically, if you want to be part of his coping strategy when times are tough, you should try to find a way to really make coping easier for him. Then he’ll turn to you.

For you, someone who’ll talk it over and be sympathetic helps; for him, apparently not so much, so you’ll need to find another way to participate. Once you’ve done that, the sharing part that you’re looking for should come more naturally to him.

If he needs to be alone, be sure to give him that. Instead of going to another room and fretting, get yourself busy. I know it’s easier said than done…but you need to get your mind on something else.

There’s a lot of great advice up there ^^. I’d just add that these things can change over time, too. Just like it can take you time to figure out what he needs or get him to open up a little about what he needs during these times, it can also take him time to get what you need. Just keep talking about it, but don’t push during the stressful time. When he’s not so stressed you can tell him it’d help you if you had a better idea of what he wanted or needed during his stressed out times. Eventually, you can work out something that works for both of you.

My wife does this. can sometimes drive me nuts. It’s a coping mechanism. Basically its so they won’t blow up. It’s sublimating, which can if done too much result in explosive behavior. However, there are some people out there who can use this to quiet their mind and just push through things. Only you know which of these types of people he is.

Remember that he is NOT YOU. Never expect him to deal with things like you do and NEVER try to get him to. You want an explosion or even a separation (emotional or physical)? Push him to be like you and react like you do. That will do the trick. But if you want peace, don’t push.

@jason: Supportive adds to what I am saying above. The “additional demands” that jason is talking about will be perceived by him if you push and make expectations of him. And by all means, be a listener…but don’t demand to be one. In other words, let them tell you what’s up. Don’t ask and then expect them to give. The time will come when they want it to.

@PnL: Yup. Good idea. Just make sure that you are not adding to the stress by bringing it up. Make sure the timing is right and that you use tact in crafting your statements. If you think that it will just cause more stress though, see below.

@susannc: Yes! Even better.

I know it’s difficult seeing anyone you love go through things. You feel helpless sometimes. But you have to realize that you can’t really do anything for them sometimes but just be patient and be there. It can drive you nuts, or you can learn to deal with it. Your choice.

This was a boyfriend/girlfriend situation..

Leave him alone. He’s a guy. He does things the guy way.

Women problem-solve externally. We talk about it, often too much, but it helps us feel better. When we feel better, we can come up with answers. The time we spend verbalizing bonds us to whomever we’re talking to. We’re just hardwired that way. DNA and all that.

Men are not like that. At all. They problem-solve internally. It’s their nature. When he retreats, give him the space he needs to work through his issue in a male way. Give him the respect to stand on his own feet as he grabbles with what’s bothering him. Don’t wuss him out by expecting-or God forbid asking-him to “share his feelings.”

If you wanted a partner that shares feelings and problem-solves externally, you should have married a woman. Since you didn’t, let the man be a man. Stand back, tell him you’re there if he needs you, buy the sexiest lingerie your purse allows, and take his mind off his troubles the way a wife should.

(I’m assuming you’re married, but you get the gist.)

Just one more thing . . .

Your man has a problem. You tell him the way he’s handling his problem makes you sad and makes you feel left out. So now . . . he’s got two problems. Not a good thing for a woman to pile another problem on top of the problem her man already has.