General Question

RandomMrdan's avatar

I need some guidance on relationships and what I should do in this situation.. can you help?

Asked by RandomMrdan (7382 points ) March 8th, 2009

If you read my last thread you’ll kind of get this a bit more. But to summarize, quickly, I like this girl, and I really think she likes me a lot too. She calls me to hang out, and likes to make plans with me too. So far things seem to be going very well, and I would be interested in dating, but don’t want things to be rushed in any way.

I feel as though she is attracted to me, and my friend agrees and thinks she is into me. I think that much is true.

Also, there is a good possibility that I’ll be going on orders with the Air Force out to Nellis Air Force Base for a time up to 6 months, it hasn’t been determined.

Should I just keep hanging out with this girl casually as friends to kind of spare us the trouble of being away for a while if we were to start dating before hand? I’m not sure if it’d be fair to start dating, then leave for 6 months.

I guess we’ve been talking and hanging out now over the course of a little over a week now. Though technically, I haven’t actually taken her out on a date date where I paid the tab. I had planned on telling her I liked her a lot, and would like to take her out on a date sometime.

I don’t date often, I usually don’t get this sort of attraction towards many women, but I do have this sort of lure to her, and really enjoy her company. And I feel as though she really enjoys spending time with me, and has canceled plans to see me (I didn’t ask her to, and didn’t know she did until two days later). So I do feel as though she want to see more of me.

So what should I do? Just wait until I get confirmation on the possible orders out to Vegas, or go ahead and see what happens? Or should I even say something this soon?

Oh, and read the other thread to kind of catch up on what happened before if you don’t mind =)

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37 Answers

btko's avatar

I know it’s hard but I think you should say what you just said to her. That you would like to go out with her more but you are worried about being called away for six months.

It brings you both to the same page, and you can decide from there what to do.

SeventhSense's avatar

Just play it cool and let her set the pace. She’s obviusly into you as you say she calls you. Don’t be TOO available and do your own thing. If you’re afraid that the time apart will be a problem well you’re already too involved with her in your head. If it’s casual and it’s easy there shouldn’t be anything to trip about if you go away. The worst thing you can do is get all clingy too soon.
Think about it… youre already projecting an established relationship and you haven’t even gone out yet. My guess is you’re in your 20’s. Just have fun and be confident

RandomMrdan's avatar

good point SeventhSense, you sound like you know me all too well.

SeventhSense's avatar

Been there done that..CONFIDENCE my friend and LEAN BACK.

RandomMrdan's avatar

I’m glad you said something, because now that I have read that, I realize now it’s what I’m doing…I’ll just act casual and just remain myself. No need to over think anything.

SeventhSense's avatar

That’s key. We imagine that WE ARE being ourselves but the fact is WE’RE NOT. We start to be obsessive, we BUY her things, we forget WHAT IT WAS THAT SHE WAS ATTRACTED TO in the first place and imagine that we have to DO something. We try to show her HOW SENSITIVE we are. Realize that she is digging you and you didn’t DO ANYTHING. The key is to just watch it happen. And then she’ll be trippin’...not you. And then you can smile. :)~

tigran's avatar

6 months is nothing… live now

galileogirl's avatar

OMG 2 threads! Ask her out already. How would you ever face an enemy under fire if you can’t face a girl. Or are you more interested in the drama than a date?

augustlan's avatar

btko has the right idea. Lay your cards on the table.

LKidKyle1985's avatar

what? isn’t this what I told you to do in the first place! lol I see you need the collective to reinforce my infinite wisdom as you called it earlier. tsk tsk.

SherlockPoems's avatar

I am getting mixed messages from you Dan. 4 days ago you agreed you asked the young lady out and were going to pay… today you say, “Though technically, I haven’t actually taken her out on a date date where I paid the tab.” I suppose this means you didn’t pay although you clearly asked her out. hmmm see my point? 1 or 2 weeks is not a substantial amount of time but I think if you like her… tell her. You might ask about writing (snail mail, email) to each other while you are at Nellis AFB. Who knows, maybe by the time you are back home… the two of you will feel really ‘close’.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

@RandomMrdan, I’m finding this hang-up with paying for dinner most peculiar. Is treating someone to dinner like buying sex or something? You don’t want to “invest” money in a person that won’t pay off? Wouldn’t you do it just to be nice, if you actually like the person?

Do you actually like her as a person, or do you just want to sleep with her? Are you seeing this as a relationship of convenience? Sounds like a little more time getting to know the person might be helpful.

SeventhSense's avatar

@RandomMrdan
If you are hanging with her already it’s all good. Don’t get hung up on DATING. Whatever that is in your mind is just getting in your way. Of course you pay for meals and take the initiative that goes with out saying. Just let it be what it is and remember that most guys will tell you all about dating and being the nice guy. And those nice guys become NICE FRIENDS and are so transparent as to what they REALLY WANT. And women will tell you some of the same BS but they end up with a guy who is HIS OWN PERSON and where is that NICE GUY?...Please like me…please…I will do anything so you like me…I will tell you about my dreams…I will give you gifts….I will call you everyday…Hey where are you going?
Look here’s an example- I went out with one girl and she told her friends that I was a jerk, The friend had to go out with me as did her friend… and her friend… and her friend…Good Press is nice but Bad Press? Well that’s golden. I’ll never forget the conversation among some girls about Kid Rock. “he’s gross” “yes he’s disgusting”...“But there’s something about him”..“ya there is”... yes and who are the two dudes that Pam Anderson ends up? Am I saying be an asshole? No, but be yourself and BE A MAN and take care of your life and if she fits into, that’s great. She has to prove to you that she is worthy of a relationship. But you have the upper hand, so use it wisely. Don’t be a pussy.

RandomMrdan's avatar

@AlfredaPrufrock @SherlockPoems No, it’s not that I’m buying sex. And I asked her out that night, but it wasn’t a “date date”. We were just two people who went out (not as a couple). I like her as a person (I’m not investing into sex).

wundayatta's avatar

@RandomMrdan: why the hell are you asking advice of fluther??? Do what you do. Be yourself. If you take any advice here, you’ll be trying, and trying is no good. Shit. How do you not give advice while giving advice?

If you’re a nice guy, be a nice guy. If you’re a player, be a player. Don’t try to be a player if you aren’t one. If you like her, like her. She’ll get it. She’s not a dummy. If you are going to be posted away, and you feel urgent, then let her know. A lot of couples have gotten married just before the person in the service gets posted. I’m not saying you should pursue this, just that it can accelerate things because people are urgent. If you go with the urgency, though, don’t go too far. There will be time later. If you don’t feel urgent, than don’t do it.

I sense you don’t want to lay off. You really like this woman. Well, be yourself. Either tell her, or don’t, depending on what you are like. Don’t let any of us make you try to do anything other than what you’re comfortable with.

RandomMrdan's avatar

@daloon thanks for the input. It seems to me that I just need to be myself, and kind of be calm and confident about it all. And as far as asking the collective…well, sometimes it’s nice to have an unbiased opinion from an outsider looking in. I’ll just be myself, and let things unfold naturally.

nina's avatar

Disclosing what you think and feel to a person you like IS being yourself.

Bri_L's avatar

@RandomMrdan – you are what progressed it to the point to bring it to a question here. Just being you. Take that and keep doing it. That is what invited her, enabled her to feel comfortable to be her. It’s a good thing. Relish that and it will be a neat thing to enjoy.

RandomMrdan's avatar

I just got a call from my base, I’m not going anywhere as of the moment. They’re having housing issues apparently.

Dr_C's avatar

@RandomMrdan Beyond giving you any advice that may or may not be helpful… i think it’s commendable that you take enough of an interest in the relationship that you are willing to put yourself out there and seek advice from multiple sources (if all at once).
The fact that you can put yourself in that situation for the sake of the relationship shows that you really do have an interest in this girl.

And once again @SeventhSense has completely pwned a thread…. great set of answers my friend.

SeventhSense's avatar

@Random
I just saw you’re other thread…I want to bitch slap you but you’re too far. If you’re in a situation that demands that you pay for dinner, as a man you pay even if she insists. I don’t care if you have to walk home because you can’t afford a cab. It just sends the wrong message and you shoot yourself in the foot from the go.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, be proactive and set the frame in a situation that’s more conducive to your budget. Get her on the horn and say, Hey I was just running over to the park, I saw this exhibit, coffee whatever. And coffee is cheap. If you can’t do coffee, you’ve got more pressing problems. Furthermore it doesn’t confuse the issue that you’re paying for something but you’re simply getting to know her. But have a time frame- I can meet about 2 or 3. And when you get together have a sense that there is something else you’ve got to do after you chat up a bit. I’m having dinner with a friend. I have to babysit my niece and I really enjoyed this but I have to go. Before you know it, you won’t be able to get rid of her.
Homework- See Shopgirl with Claire Danes to really see how women actually want something to work and how clueless guys are.

@Dr C
I listen to my inner dog..he always steers me right.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

@RandomMrdan, I think you take the call from the base as a sign that you should pursue the relationship.

RandomMrdan's avatar

The night couldn’t have gone any better =)

augustlan's avatar

No fair Mr. Dan!!! Details, please. : )

RandomMrdan's avatar

Well, we went rock climbing of course, and she is pretty good too. I’m not a certified person to “belay”, so we would have someone else “belay” for her when she climbed, and I would just give advice if she didn’t know where to put her feet, or hands. But we had a great time, and I got to kind of show off my awesome rock climbing skills =p

After we were done, we decided to get something to eat, and I knew some friends were going out, and figured it would be fun to go out with a group. We stop off at my place first to change into some jeans, I had worn shorts for the climbing.

We head out to a sit down restaurant, and two friends joined us, had a good time, my friends and I had a couple drinks. After we left there, I thought I would just take her home, but as I was about to turn down to take her home, she said “oh well I’d like to go back to your place and watch another movie”. (don’t get the wrong idea, the way my living room is set up, we were both in leather chairs, so we couldn’t sit right next to each other.)

After the movie, we hang around my place a little bit just talking and hanging out, and we decide it’s getting late and we each have to be up early.

Driving her home, I was thinking of what I would say, and how I would tell her that I liked her a lot and so on. I finally get to dropping her off, and for some reason, I couldn’t say anything… but, I think we were both on the same page, because I leaned in to kiss her good night (for some reason, I thought actions could speak for me), and she must have been thinking the same thing. And, my intentions were for a kiss good night, but she didn’t want to stop kissing (who am I to argue), but we were finally interrupted by a car that pulled in front of us shining their head lights on us. I did stop kissing for a moment to tell her I really like her a lot though, and she laughed, and said she liked me too.

Now, I need to get some sleep, I have to work at 9am.

Thanks Fluther.

RandomMrdan's avatar

oh and by the way, I wore my fluther shirt on the date =) She thought it was a cool shirt.

augustlan's avatar

Good job! Now, you know.

Bri_L's avatar

@RandomMrdan – I couldn’t wish better for you my man! I am happy as can be for you and for her!

Vincentt's avatar

Your story makes me happy :)

Sellz's avatar

I think you should keep the friendship going. Get to know her better. Learn about her likes/dislikes and what not. You’ll want to be more than just a boyfriend to her. You’ll want to be her best friend as well. See, in some relationships, one person may not be able to talk about certain things to their significant other for whatever the reason may be. Get to know her and make it so that she will be comfortable around you and will be able to tell you anything without wondering if you’ll look at her different.

-Sellz

Nicole18's avatar

- I have a friend that will go out to bars and see how many guys she can get. After that she can have up to 20 phone numbers afterward. She calls the guys she liked the most and hangs out with them. After getting to know them she get rid of the ones she don’t like. Then when she gets down to two or three she uses them. it’s not fair to them. i’ve tried to talk to her about it but she likes to uses them for everything she can get.

what im trying to say is try getting to know her really well… you never know what kind of things girls have up their sleves. girls know how to get what they want. she may seem interested and nice but you NEVER know. just don’t get hurt. get to know her, then when you come back after six months then see if shes still interested. keep in contact with her. if she REALLY truly likes you, she’ll be there for you when you get back.

Sellz's avatar

@nicole18 You involuntarily helped me out- just gave me some encouraging words. Thank you.

-Sellz

trickynicky's avatar

Relationships are simple things if you can keep them simple. Thinking too far ahead will not only complicate matters but also leave your potential relationship in the balance. Live for the moment and forget about the future as u will only complicate things in the short term. It’s better to have than to have never had at all.

CMaz's avatar

Don’t commit. Wait and write her. Do not be over baring, but let her know your feelings. If she is there when you get home good. If she is still on your mind when you get back good. But don’t tie yourself and herself down with emotions that this opportunity could allow you both to grow. And that might just be different paths. Enjoy your freedom and your youth.

RandomMrdan's avatar

we’ve been dating now for about 3 months or so….things seem to be going very well =)

ponderopus's avatar

I think you might fine some tidbits of help in my response to this article:

on happiness in relathionships

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I’d go for it and ask her out!Life is too short!

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