Social Question

Ranimi23's avatar

Why do women seem to want a guy when he already has a girlfriend?

Asked by Ranimi23 (1881 points ) October 13th, 2009

I don’t understand her. We are friends and I asked her once if she see me as her boyfriend. She didn’t say anything and I understood it’s not going to happen. I moved on with my life, we only friends. Now I have a new girlfriend and because of that my friend don’t talk to me any more and ignoring me like I did something wrong.

She never told me she like me or want to be more than a friend, I was in the “friend zone” only. Please help me to understand this situation from a girl point of view.

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31 Answers

Sabotage82's avatar

*This is not intended to be flame bait. I can only give you info from my point of view.

It seems to me that women want what they can’t have. The same thing happened to me with a girl I was crazy about in high school. She wanted nothing to do with me past the four letter word friend. Two years later after I was completely over her and damn near forgot her name. She comes calling…a lot. She tries to seduce and fails miserably. I never understood it, but that is how it happened.

On the other hand I have found that persistance though they say it could get annoying for them worked for me. I got a wife out of it wahahaha. :)

shockvalue's avatar

Pheromones! When guys are in a strong, solid relationship they emit pheromones that say they are committed. It’s like moths to a flame.

CMaz's avatar

Ah yes, the forbidden fruit.
:-)

Beta_Orionis's avatar

Maybe she liked you but was hesitant to admit it and is now hurt that you didn’t realize? Girls are dumb sometimes.

nikipedia's avatar

I don’t think anyone knows why this happens, but it has been shown to be true in research studies. Weird, huh?

wundayatta's avatar

I have experienced this, too. I think that when you have a girlfriend, it’s not so much that you become more desirable because you belong to someone else; it’s that you actually are more desirable. I.e., when you are loved, you become more confident and outgoing. You feel on top of the world.

People are attracted to confidence in a person. Whereas, before you may have had doubts about yourself and your desirability, now you have proof, and you act accordingly. Suddenly, other people who thought you were a nebbish now see you to be much more attractive, and they respond to that.

Also, I think that when you are more confident and outgoing, you seem more available. When you are open to people, they like you more and want to be in your presence more. People can confuse this for both availability and that your attention is directed at them personally.

I don’t know if any of this is testable, scientifically, but it makes for a nice theory, if I do say so, myself. ;-)

xshortiex's avatar

its the same as guys, we want what we cant have. theres just something about a guy in a strong relationship with someone else that we like. its just natural, we cant help it. And like daloon said, it makes guys hotter when they have a girfriend thats serious. We all want what we cant have.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

Sounds like you two need to talk.

AlyxCaitlin's avatar

Women want what they can’t have!

mattbrowne's avatar

Emotions and instincts reside in our subconscious minds triggering our courses of action. However, the rational mind has veto power. Why does a woman seem to want a particular guy? Very often it has to do with evolutionary biology? Sometimes inside the woman’s brain a battle is brewing:

Unconscious message: this particular guy seems capable of supporting you and your children, so go get him
Rational mind: Wait, I’ll get in trouble…
Unconscious message: go get him, you’re entitled to have him, for the sake of your future
Rational mind: No, wait, is it really worth the trouble?
Unconscious message: go get him, he will leave your competitor
Rational mind: Well, I don’t know, there’s this other guy and he’s also cute and…
Unconscious message: No, don’t be a fool, approach this guy, he’s your dream man
Rational mind: You know, I don’t want to hurt this other girl, she really seems to love him…

The battle can be won by both sides.

confused101's avatar

We always want what we can’t have. Plus a guy looks a lot better when he has a girlfriend, it helps us see all the positives in them and can see what kind of boyfriend they would be.

JONESGH's avatar

I don’t think this is completely true. Sometimes when you want someone, you want them. Regardless of whether they’re in a relationship or not.

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

cause it means someone can actually tolerate you…

dpworkin's avatar

Maybe bitches is Kwazy. Maybe she never cared much for you and now has an excuse.

Justnice's avatar

Take it from a woman’s point of view, we always want something that is hard to get. I always feel attracted to guys that don’t really like me. I end up liking them and I like the challenge. So I set off to make them like me. I’ve had two boyfriends that had a girlfriend already. Now, I like this guy who gives me no attention and he doesn’t even bother with me. While this is frustrating, I love it. Let me just tell you that I always win!

KatawaGrey's avatar

To all the people who are blaming women for wanting what they can’t have: stop it! It happens on both sides. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had male friends who couldn’t care less about me sexually speaking who are all over me when I’m in a relationship. I think it’s a number of factors. I think whoever said pheromones has got it right on. See how people of the opposite sex act around you immediately after you’ve had sex. You’ll find that you’re the most interesting thing in the room.

filmfann's avatar

Several girls I knew had no interest in me, till they saw me dating my would-be wife.
She was beautiful, and deaf. These other women suddenly saw me as caring, and flocked to me. It was weird. “It’s so cool your gf is deaf! You’re so sensitive! Dump her, and go out with me!”

dpworkin's avatar

How very odd. I had a similar experience when I began dating my (blind) girlfriend, but I just assumed those women were nuts. I didn’t realize I was observing a syndrome. What shall we call it, @filmfann ?

PandoraBoxx's avatar

I think it dates back to playing Barbies as a girl—your friend’s Ken doll was always better looking than your own.

ABoyNamedBoobs03's avatar

@pdworkin i know this is off topic, but I am just curious, why did you mention your girlfriend was blind?

dpworkin's avatar

His girlfriend was deaf. The disability seemed key to the reaction.

Ranimi23's avatar

Hi all, Thanks for all the great answers.

Something I must add: She broke up her 5 years boyfriends a year and half before I met her. I thought it is a very long time to get over it and move on. I saw her talking with other boys, having fun and more. She didn’t replay to any of my feelings action I made for her so I got the message she is not interested and moved on.

I think I did EVERYTHING I can to let her know my FEELINGS for her, but nothing really helped. I give up on her and start dating other women. Now I am in a relationship but I am feeling like I did something wrong and I don’t think I did. I just want to be happy and not waste my time on someone that is not talking a lot and saying what she really feels.

Link's avatar

Well this seems to be on your mind a good deal if you’re willing to post it here. If you’re still hung up about her even a little, then make a move dude. Why not, right? If you don’t care about going out with her, but want closure, then the next times she calls just ask her straight up what her deal was/is. You’ve got nothing to lose. Let her know what you’ve let us know. But remember if you’re still want what she’s offering, then go for it.

LuhvKiller's avatar

seems to me your friend sees how you treat your girl or your attention is all on your girlfriend and wants you now…She made a mistake and wishes she would have gotten you. But most girls want what they can’t have anyway.

Master's avatar

It’s an evolutionary trait called “preselection.”

This evolutionary theory was developed when scientists inquired about the mating game in animals. They discovered that when a male grouse who was not mating with any females was put next to a stuffed female grouse, other females starting mating with him. This phenomena was later uncovered in human behavior as well. Furthermore, a women’s attraction for you increases when she sees that you have already been pre-selected by other women. It should come as no surprise that there comes a priceless benefit of being seen with attractive female.

lakersfuture's avatar

I think that sometimes women fall for guys with girlfriends because they see how the guy mat treat the woman he is with!!!

cornbird's avatar

Because you were showing her interest before her ego felt good. But now that you have someone else her ego was hurt because you dont care for her as much as you did before. Even if she was not interested in you at the time she could have still considered that someone likes her and now that person is in the arms of another…. thats my opinion from a guys perspective.

Futomara's avatar

Your first mistake is in trying to understand women. Fact of the matter is, they never say what they mean or mean what they say.

For example, you’re in the car with your woman deciding where to eat. She sees a huge clock in the town square and says, “Oh look! What a wonderful clock.” You respond, “Yeah, it’s cool.” Then, all of a sudden, she’s mad at you and won’t say why. You’re thinking it’s because you went to eat at the place you chose, but the reality is, she’s mad because you didn’t share her enthusiasm for the clock in the town center.

Women! Don’t even try to understand them.

Xann009's avatar

Trust me, it goes both ways.

Futomara's avatar

@Xann009 – And what’s that supposed to mean? lol

bean's avatar

she didn’t see how wonderful you were from the start…

she’s an idiot, and a silly girl if she chases after you while you have a girlfriend…

it’s not a question either… obvious what you should do… tell her go away and have a good time with your girlfriend!

but to put it more lightly…. there are 4 types of guys during a girls life…. I’m not sure if that applies to guys as well

1. is the person you love the most
2. the one who loves you the most
3. there is love, but not at the same time
4. right time

it’s not that girls want what they can’t have, its they like to play stupid games… but most are not like that.

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