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Ranimi23's avatar

How can I help my heart to understand that attraction is something subjective?

Asked by Ranimi23 (1881 points ) December 28th, 2009

I feel so fucked up and I’ll explain why. There’s one women I really wanted to date, but she probably don’t care for me as I am excited about her. Everything else is a great match, but maybe the section of sexual attraction isn’t there. I really don’t know.

I think I am a very handsome man and gets a lot of compliments from girls recently, only with this particular girl I have a difficult life so far. We are totally opposites in the mirror. She’s brown, I am bright. All other things are a perfect match.

I hate to ask her that, although it might help me realize my situation and my heart will give up and moves away more easily. The attraction is a subjective matter and it does not mean anything about me as a person, but my heart don’t understand what my brain knows. Tips how to internalize this?

We used to talk a lot, but we aren’t friends. I don’t have her cell phone and I do not hold any connection beyond the meeting place we do see each other at that one course studies. I have no contact with her beyond that.

Although she separate her ex about a year ago I understand her delicate condition. I do not want to ask her again for a date, that seems wrong. I know she doesn’t want to date any one right now. For me I left her options open.

Sometimes I think I get hints that she does want, but apparently it’s only friendly section. I look at the way she talks with all the boys and it is totally different than me. With me she is such a repressed and not allows herself to drift to the conversation.

Despite last month for instance I felt we were closer, but really close. Suddenly she tells me more about herself, where she lives, what she was doing, what books and movies she sees. One week later she suddenly turned on 180 degrees. I felt she was ignoring me deliberately avoids saying hello to me minimal. With other men she talks freely with no problems, but only with me there is a big tension between us and I can’t do anything about it.

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15 Answers

Cruiser's avatar

You have to think positive here. Give her reasons for wanting to date you instead of simply expecting a yes or no to a date. Take her out for a coffee or the library to study and let her see the other parts of your personality, most of all try to make her laugh!

Ranimi23's avatar

Hi @Cruiser, I do make her laugh. All the time. Out last long conversation was the first time she said I make her laugh and feel good with her self. But again, the feelings of her all the time changing. One week she will want to talk with me, and next week she may ignore me on purpose. Maybe I did something wrong? I don’t know.

Cotton101's avatar

Nothing ventured, nothing gained! Go for it!

marinelife's avatar

Have you told her you like her and would like to date her? Why are you doing the Harry High School thing of not being up front about how you feel?

What do you have to lose but all of this agonizing that you are doing?

Either she will say she would love to go out with you or she will say she is not interested.

If it is the latter, then stop all the analyzing of clues. take her at her word and move on.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

You need to just ask her out on a date!Just do it!:)

Ranimi23's avatar

@lucillelucillelucille , I did asked her out at first. She said back than (6 month ago) she is not intersted, so I back off and move on. From that point all kind of strange behiver I ger from her. Once she talks with me and once will ignore me like I am not in the room. I really don’t get.

Tosca's avatar

The problem is that the big crush you have on her is making it hard for you to act normal and confident when you’re around her. Paradoxically, the more you know her without being able to date her, the more this will be true. Subconsciously, we often think that the more time we invest in a crush, the better the person is. Crushes start from a small interest or attraction and then gradually grow to massive proportions. This is because the object to your crush will often send you mixed messages, which sends your emotions on a roller coaster ride. Your crush could talk to you because they think you’re a nice person and don’t want to upset you more, even though they’re not interested. This gives you some false hope to cling to.

I’ve been in your position and I’ve been in this girl’s position. Having an unrequited crush on someone can be really painful, but it’s awkward and uncomfortable when someone is infatuated with you. When a guy feels this way about me, and I don’t return the feelings, I just can’t summon the energy to be around him. We can’t have a normal conversation because I always know he wants something from me, and a lot of the time he’ll bring the talk back to dating me. When guys feel this way, I feel like they don’t actually want to know me as a person, they just want to satisfy this need for the image of me they’ve built up in their head.

What you should do to make this better is stop focusing all your efforts on just this one woman. Get some interesting hobbies, or put more time into the ones you have, and work harder in your school or career. See your friends more. Also, do what you can to make yourself more dateable- work out more, buy some nicer clothes, and make sure you’re well-groomed and reasonably stylish. Then date other women. The interesting thing is, when you have a big crush on one person, you often have great luck with other people because you’re able to act confident around them. You’re pretty much able to act confident around everyone except your crush. Doing your own thing will keep you busy and make you happy, and it’s very likely that eventually, you’ll meet someone else who makes you happy. If your crush is really great and you still have feelings for her, at least you’ll be feeling more confident and you might see her more like just any other person. She’ll be more likely to talk to you because she’ll see that you have your own stuff going on, but you have to give it some time so she can change her opinion of you. After a while, try to hang out with her as friends or start a casual flirtation with her- then you might have some luck.

Mandomike's avatar

@Ranimi23 ,Stop fooling around, hook her up to a lie detector and find out what she really wants.

MissA's avatar

Perhaps she has strong feelings for you…and, those feelings are unwanted because of the relationship which has just ended.

Matters of the heart don’t have to be logical.

And, what comes out of the mouth isn’t always representative of what’s in the heart.

MissA's avatar

@Tosca Welcome to fluther.com. I’ve only recently joined in, but the folks here are just great. I hope your experience is likewise.

deadhead's avatar

Stop reading Cosmopolitan.Go with your true feelings and not your freinds.If you like him let him know it.He will reciprocate accordingly.Take a chance on love to receive it.Good-Luck!

Crossroadsgrl's avatar

I have a crush like this too lol and the advice here is SO true. Get on with something different so you can see her as Normal. She can’t possibly live up to this image you have of her. Move on for a bit and when you’re dating someone else you’ll appear more appealing to her. That will test YOU, to see if you have maybe become overly obsessed. Good luck hard crushes are not easy ;)

BeccaBoo's avatar

Hmmm, us girls are complicated creatures, your probably coming across to her a bit too keen and smothering her in conversation and trying to keep her attention all the time your within her eye view won’t go down well.
Let me give you a little tip, men who seem friendly but not overly keen are far more attractive to women, than ones that are completely OTT from the off.
You sound like a nice guy and will probably make her really happy given the chance, but you are going to have to take this girl off the pedestal you have her on and start by seeing, listening and being interested in the person she is and not the fantasy she has become in your head.
Good luck to you.

Londongirl's avatar

Well, may be it is good to be friend first and get to know her better and let her get to like you first…But you do need to ask her out first :)

Inspired_2write's avatar

What would happen IF you did not meet up with her?
Will she come searching for you?
Let her make the move, but let her have the cahance to see if she misses you.
You can always give her your cell number, in case she wants to just talk?
Especially after she does not see you for awhile?

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