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JONESGH's avatar

How do I break up with a girlfriend who is also a good friend?

Asked by JONESGH (3544 points ) October 13th, 2009

sorry for the length So I’ve been dating this girl for about 4 months now and we have been best friends for 2 years or so. And our relationship is a secret. I don’t think this relationship is good for me since I’m very unhappy in it, but she is extremely attached to me and has even told me she is in love with me (accompanied with her plans for us to get married etc etc) I think I’m too young for this kind of commitment.
She constantly flirts with other guys, who aren’t aware that we are dating so they go along with it, and she never treats me right. Despite the fact that I’d do anything for her.
So I have decided, even though I would be jealous of her with others, that I should end it now because I don’t think this relationship is good for me.
But my problem is that while we have been dating she has become very close friends with all of my friends. Previously we were both close but had separate groups of friends. The dilemma is that if we broke up, we would be seeing each other every day, at school and outside since we share the same group of friends, and it would be difficult, and awkward, for both of us. She would likely be angry at me if I broke up with her and try to get my other friends to not hang out with me, and I wouldn’t be able to tell them that we broke up and I don’t want to be around her right now. There was a time when she was angry at me where she turned all of my friends against me and I became very depressed. I don’t want to have to be alone after going through this break up and I don’t want to have to see her all the time because it would just be all the more difficult.

What should I do? Is there anything I can do? I’m a junior in high school and I’ve even been considering switching schools next year to avoid her. When I talk about breaking up or how I feel she just gets angry that I’ve brought it up.
I’m sorry for the length of this question and the fact that it might not make sense…I’m just confused and there’s no one I can talk to about this.

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31 Answers

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

Talk to your girlfriend.
This is the most important person to talk to here.

Also remember that her being your friend after you break up with her is highly unlikely.

SpatzieLover's avatar

I’m a band-aid ripper.

I’d make a clean, swift break with this one. There is no easy way around. Don’t go getting your head all wrapped up into this I know, you’re in HS and it can be difficult as there’s much drama all the time. She probably will not be a good friend after this. That’s just a fact of life in HS.

Break up. Let your friends know you could use their support on this one, too. You need it since the gossip will probably be spreading quickly.

JONESGH's avatar

@SpatzieLover my problem is that I can’t tell my friends about it since we’ve agreed that our relationship should always remain a secret. So there won’t be gossip either.

SpatzieLover's avatar

@JONESGH Lots of luck with that. Once you break up, the gloves are off. She could tell everyone. If you really feel that she’ll uphold that after you break it off, then why are you concerned?

If it’s just about the awkwardness of seeing her in the halls, try to refocus your attention onto other friends in the halls. Never walk alone ;)

zephyr826's avatar

I am a firm believer in the “Let’s-not-let-this-get-awkward” method. Your relationship is unhealthy right now, and as I see it, you have 3 options:
1. You can let it drag on until both of you feel awful most of the time.
2. You can make a clean break and refuse to ever speak to her again.
3. You can honestly have a conversation with her about it, telling her that this isn’t working for either of you. Let her know that you still care about her and that you want to be friends. Ask her to make you a promise that she will try not to let it get awkward. This is totally possible for you to do, as long as you both commit to it. And I think you’ll have to, since neither of you can tell anyone about your relationship.

Good Luck.

Val123's avatar

@JONESGH First of all, why is is supposed to be a secret? OK, so, SHE wants it to be a secret too, what excuse is she going to give to turn all your friends against you? What excuse is she going to give for suddenly being a witch? Sounds like SHE’LL have some ‘splainin’ go do!
One thing about high school…tensions and emotions flair up really fast, and really hard…but they die down just as quickly. Just do it. Yes you can!

drClaw's avatar

It’s not you it’s me….

That’s all I got.

SpatzieLover's avatar

@Val123 So true. HS hormones cause HS tension so glad that’s all done

@drClaw Teehee, that could work well for him!

Val123's avatar

@SpatzieLover NO kidding! I don’t miss those days at all!

SpatzieLover's avatar

@Val123 Kirsten said you are a slut. Did you here Adam dissed Rachel at the party at Allie’s house…OMG! That was totally uncool! ;0) An that was just at your locker in the first mins after walking in the door.

Val123's avatar

@SpatzieLover Angie said she’s gonna beat you up and dares you to meet her at the graveyard after school!! THEY’RE BRINGING IN THE DRUG DOGS TODAY!! (And everyone acts like they have something to freak out about, when 99.99% of them don’t.) Oh my.

Justnice's avatar

Well I have kind of the same problem but it doesn’t involve school. I’ve had this boyfriend for 2 years but our relationship is secret. I know that the relationship is not healthy so I think about breaking up with him. The problem is that he’s my best friend and I want to continue being his friend. My best advice for you is to talk to your girlfriend and find out why your relationship is a secret. Is she really in love with you or is she just lying to herself? Maybe suggest taking a break to figure things out and see how it goes. I don’t suggest you just break up with her and feel weird at school forever. This is gonna take a lot of time. And really, no one here is gonna give you the answer you need

Val123's avatar

I can’t figure out why a relationship would have to be “secret”....?

SpatzieLover's avatar

@Val123 It’s HS. Could be that parents would be angered by the relationship if they don’t allow “dating”

@JONESGH Are you mainly troubled by all of this because you don’t want to lose her friendship? I can’t understand why you’d want to switch schools over it…especially for your Senior year.

Val123's avatar

I can understand hiding from parents…been there, done that!...But it sounds like in JONESGH case they’re also keeping it secret from their friends. I think that’s an important piece of the puzzle that we’re missing, which is Why?

deni's avatar

@JONESGH Wow when I say I know exactly how you feel, I mean it. Quite a shitty situation to be in if I do say so myself. Can you just try to talk to her? Tell her everything you just said here. You want to be friends with her but can’t handle her not treating you right when it comes to a romantic relationship. If she doesn’t understand and gets mad and tries to ruin your ties to other friends, just tell them the truth. They SHOULD understand. Do let us know how this goes…

Haleth's avatar

@JONESGH I don’t think you have an obligation to keep the secret once you break up. From her behavior- flirting with other guys, turning your friends against you- it certainly sounds like she would certainly tell the secret if it suited her needs, and she probably doesn’t care that much about you or the relationship, or she wouldn’t do such hurtful things to you. Why is this a secret anyway? Is she embarrassed to be seen dating you? It seems like a strong part of her motivation for this is to have a steady boyfriend on the side and still have the freedom to do whatever she wants. If she was really attached to you, she wouldn’t be brazenly flirting with other people like this- she is actually manipulating you. The best thing you can do at this point is break up with her, and tell people if you need to- if people start to notice that you are acting very different to each other. Take control of the situation. You’re both people, you’re both middle schoolers, so you shouldn’t be so intimidated by her that you want to change schools. The only reason she can act like this toward you is that you’re letting her do these things to you.

JONESGH's avatar

I just ended it. I’m not sure how this is going to go. She seems hurt but still says she wants to be my best friend, who knows if she means it..

SpatzieLover's avatar

Thanks for the update @JONESGH. Let us know how it all shakes out tomorrow at school.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Happy Thoughts}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

:) Have a good night knowing that’s off your shoulders.

Val123's avatar

WOW WOW!!! So…it’s wasn’t so bad after all? At least not so far? Whew! I was sweatin’!

PandoraBoxx's avatar

She will be hurt for a bit, and she will probably need a little space. Wait a bit to be seen with someone new; let her start dating someone else first, and things should get back to where they were before.

Good job! Directness is best with most things.

Val123's avatar

Yeah, and in 20 years you can look her up on Facebook and have a laugh!

Justnice's avatar

Lol at the facebook thing

SpatzieLover's avatar

@JONESGH Is this girlfriend the same friend from this thread

Just wondering. You mentioned on that thread that you considered switching schools. I think you are in need of some emotional maturing. It’s time to realize you can’t run. You need to face situations, deal with them and then move on. Maybe it’s time for you to read a book on emotional intelligence or on building confidence.

JONESGH's avatar

@SpatzieLover you’re probably right…

Val123's avatar

@JONESGH She is. You can’t run away from problems, especially when you helped create them. Because you’ll just re-create them wherever you go.

JONESGH's avatar

@Val123 It’s not like I’m creating problems with multiple people. It’s just one girl that I’ve had problems with, literally no one else. We just don’t get along and sometimes I think it would be easier to separate myself from her, but I guess you have a point.

SpatzieLover's avatar

@JONESGH If it “feels” like you should separate yourself from her, then go with that feeling. Something about this relationship is toxic. If neither of you are benefiting from the friendship, it’s time to not only end the dating, but also ditch the friendship. Hit the ignore button in your brain and focus on friends that bring out the best in you, support and encourage you instead.

Soon you will be out of HS and you need to be able to deal with relationships in the “real world”. I think a book might assist you in gaining some insight on how to chose better situations for yourself, and avoid those that cause conflict and distress.

Val123's avatar

@JONESGH Point taken.

wickedbetty's avatar

Break it off totally. No contact or neither of you will move on. I speak from experience. It is too hard.

rahm_sahriv's avatar

The fact that you said this relationship is ‘secret’ sets off all kinds of warning bells. No relationship that is worth being in is ‘secret’. Secret either means something is illegal, one of the people involved is married or seeing someone else too or one of the people involved is ashamed of the other person somehow. None of those situations are good.

If you feel that you need to break up with this girl because of your own needs, then you need to break up with her. Do not stay in the relationship because of other friends or what you think she might do. Find yourself a healthy relationship, with someone who deserves you, not someone who is going to keep your relationship a secret.

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