How do I better cope with and manage my chronic illness, a consequence of which is addict-like thinking?
I’ve had zero thyroid function for almost 20 years. Treatment for hypothyroidism is relatively simple—taking a dose of synthetic thyroid hormone on a daily basis. This is coupled with annual checkups and bloodwork to adjust dosing as needed. My dose has been about the same this whole time. It is a relatively high dose due to my thyroid’s complete lack of function. The dose is supposed to be taken in the morning on an empty stomach an hour prior to eating. Simple, right?
I have probably never in my life gone more than three months following this routine, and I would bet much shorter. As a result, my mood, ability to think, outlook, energy, etc., take regular nosedives into the garbage can. My head gets foggy and hurts. I can’t think. Most everything becomes meaningless, and it puts a strain on my relationships. Despite having above average intelligence and academic achievement, this problem has really suffocated any career aspirations I might have had not to mention just making a plain old working life difficult.
So on one side of the equation is the very obvious suffering I endure by neglecting to follow the simple regimen. It is as predictable and reliable as anything. If I don’t take the pill, I suffer and that suffering gets progressively worse until I die of natural (but preventable) causes or blow my brains out.
On the other side are a mélange of factors that add up to me deprioritizing the need to follow the regimen. Most relevant is my resentment. I resent having to buy it, and I resent having to take it. I resent that I literally cannot live without it, and I resent that it’s supposed to be my first waking concern. You might say “what’s the big deal just take the damn thing and move on.” I don’t know how to adopt that perspective. I think “I’m a slave to this fucking pill, and I don’t want to be dependent upon it.” This is probably exacerbated by my “altered” state of mind which is really my natural state of mind. So that’s another conundrum—a natural, medicine-free kevbo is a miserable sop and a submissive and compliant kevbo gets to be a “normal” person.
I am also really bad with routines (such as taking care of this business first thing every morning), which I also deep down resent and deem “unnatural” although I do recognize their utility. I’m sure it’s partly to do with my creative bent.
So the reality seems to be that I need follow the routine (or push my doctor for some other routine that will work for me, although I’ve never heard of one). How then do I overcome the resentment and prevent it from eclipsing my perceived need to take the pill, especially when it’s easy to fall into the trap of “I’m feeling fine now, so I’ll stop taking it.”
If you are puzzled by the addiction tie-in, it’s that my “own best thinking” is not working for me in this situation.
Being made to feel fortunate that this is my only problem or that I am blessed with some wonderful qualities doesn’t help resolve this problem for me.
Thank you for your responses.
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