How much does the other person's reported reality matter to you?
Often I make up a story in my mind to explain another person’s behavior. When my therapists to this, they say “it is my fantasy that you…”
The question is how much (if any) feedback from the person you are trying to explain matters. Does their completely trump your fantasy? Does your fantasy completely trump their explanation? Do the two modify each other?
I’ve been trying to understand the behavior of someone who recently hurt me very much. I’ve come up with a story to explain it, and this story allows me to forgive them, which helps me feel not so bad about it.
I find I have the urge to check this story out with that person, to see if it might be true. In other words, I want them to validate my story. But does it matter if I get validation? Do I even want validation? What if they don’t validate it? Isn’t my story the only one that matters because it helps me get on with my life?
I am reminded of people who were abused as children. It seems like they often have an urge to confront their abusers and get an acknowledgment that the person understands what they did. But does it matter? Does the other person’s reality matter? Or is it only what’s in your head that matters, because that’s what heals you?