Social Question

wundayatta's avatar

Do you feel like people will give you more than one chance?

Asked by wundayatta (58377 points ) February 20th, 2010

I don’t. I feel like if they get angry with me once, that’s it. We might have a coexistence, but they will never want to be my friend. Because of that, I don’t trust them. I figure that if I mess up once—on a job or a friendship or any kind of relationship at all, it’s all over.

I know this isn’t true in reality, but that’s the way I feel. So anger scares me. I don’t like fighting, because for me, it means writing someone off as an implacable enemy.

How many chances do you think you’ll get? What experiences have helped give you this feeling about how much leniency others will give you?

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28 Answers

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I don’t wonder about how much leniency or chances someone will give me.When I am mad,I’m mad,and it’s the last thing I’m thinking about.It also helps to always be right lol!

BoBo1946's avatar

@wundayatta That is a really tough question. Depends on the person, as some will forgive and forget, and unfortunately others will not!

Personally, i don’t hold grudges and harbor hard feelings against other people, because it would only hurt me. To be a happy person, think you have to be a forgiving person.

partyparty's avatar

Ask yourself how many chances you would give someone else. If it is more than one, then try to think they would give you the same amount of chances.

Nobody is perfect, we should all be given at least a second chance.

marinelife's avatar

@partyparty GA. It is always about how you would react to another person’s screw-up as the filter for how someone is likely to react to your screw-up.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I’ve always worked on the assumption that once a relationship is blown, it’s over, and have never made any attempt to repair it. I have very poor social skills, so any attempt to patch things up only make it worse.

marinelife's avatar

@stranger_in_a_strange_land That is sad. Here is one free “Get out of relationship trouble free” card.

seldomseenkid's avatar

I think if someone would only give you one chance, they probably aren’t someone you need in your life.

Cruiser's avatar

@lucillelucillelucille I am similararily afflicted…it’s my charging bull moose mentality that ensures I am always right!.

susanc's avatar

I don’t expect people to forgive me for mistakes unless I have a very good excuse. I usually do have one. But I’m always poised to feel remorse and loss.

phoebusg's avatar

Sure, in a way. But in that – it doesn’t really matter in the greater picture. I am mostly unaffected – act as such… and often get many ‘chances’.

nicobanks's avatar

I do feel people’ll give me more than one chance, I really do. I’ve been given so many second chances, third chances, fourth chances…

But I also empathize with you. Anger scares me too, and confrontation; I also feel it means writing someone off. Unless someone is really important to me – like my wife – I don’t bother expressing my disagreement with their views or behaviour. I’d rather keep the peace for the sake of, well, peaceful interactions. I’m talking about coworkers mainly, or people I have to interact with: if it comes to purely social acquaintances, I still likely won’t publicly disagree with them, but I’ll mainly avoid them from thereon in.

So, maybe it’s people like me who give you the feeling like you won’t be given a second chance? Because I generally don’t give people second chances unless, like I said, they are very important to me.

But, really, it depends on the context. I would never write someone off for making a mistake they know is a mistake. If someone accidentally breaks my best crystal, I may be upset but if they are apologetic I forgive them immediately. On the other hand, if someone tells me they always vote for the Conservative Party (or, hell, even the Liberals), well, good-bye to them.

PandoraBoxx's avatar

It’s not the number of chances, but the sincerity of contriteness for upsetting the other person. If you have a consistent pattern of being offensive and insensitive to others, and putting yourself first, then people are going to be more likely to write you off and walk away.

People who are primarily inwardly focused and take from others have a shorter shelf life than those who add value to the lives of others. Sometimes you do run up against people who don’t forgive for reasons all of their own. As an example, we were friends for a long time with a couple, did everything with them. We met another couple through our friends, and invited the second couple to our house for dinner to get to know them better, without the first couple. The second couple was from out of town, knew few people other than neighbors, and we had a lot in common with them. The wife of the first couple quit speaking to me, because she decided that at I must view her as intellectually inferior and that’s why she wasn’t included. The reality was, I just wanted to be nice to her friends, without turning dinner into a big production. In spite of my apology and explanation, the wife of original friends quit speaking to us, and did not speak again until about 5 years ago, when she finally realized that I really didn’t have any agenda or slight in mind.

I cannot manage anyone’s feelings but my own. Had I known beforehand that having the couple over would be interpreted as anything but friendly, I never would have done it, because nothing is worth hurting my friend’s feelings.

zebter's avatar

It all depends on the history of the relationship. If the one doing the forgiving has had to do it hundreds of times verses a small hand full of times to only a couple of times. Forgiving is easy it is the forgetting part that takes time if ever and then you deal with the trust issue. If the one forgiving has no trust then you have some very hard thinking to do.

Silhouette's avatar

It sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy. You expect them to do to you what you ultimately will do to them. One squabble and you ditch them. The golden rule should apply here, you have to be willing to give what you are expecting to get. You have to have the cojones to take the chance. My experience has been you get as many chances as you earn. You keep making the same mistakes, you’re going to get the same results. Most people are very generous in the forgiveness arena.

Just_Justine's avatar

I don’t care if some decides not to give me a second chance. Thing is will I? That is more important

ChaosCross's avatar

I think it depends on the person, one person is like “Myah” and another is like “YOUR FIRED”. Much of it is decided by how well you act after you screw up.

phillis's avatar

Shift your thinking. Right now, you are operating strictly from your emotions. Everything in life requires balance. In humans, the balance needs to be between your head and your heart. As it stands, you’re leaving one of those completely in the dust, which is causing you to suffer unnecessarily. This issue is making you it’s bitch, which means your self-esteem is suffering, too. There is no law that says you are required to suffer, and there are no awards for who suffers the most.

In the truest meaning of the words, who cares? Who cares, if they don’t want to give you a second chance? The greatest president the US ever had, never had more than around a 73% approval rating, and these guys were groomed for years to appeal to the masses! You couldmbe the greatest person in the world, but there will always be those who couldn’t give a flip less. Did it ever occur to you that they have personal issues that have nothing to do with you?

SuperMouse's avatar

For me it mostly depends on who I am dealing with. I expect my fiancee to give me many, many chances. I expect the same from my kids and I do expect my employer to give me a least one or two screw ups before thy fire my ass. If I am trying to convince someone of something I figure I have one chance and that’s it. When trying to nurture new friendships I always feel like if I mess up once the party is over and the friendship is gone.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

You are operating under the irrational assumption that if you make even one mistake then the fallout will be permanent and irreversible. This belief and others like them tend to make people feel powerless and hopeless.

You would have to do something extremely harmful and vicious for people to not be willing to let it go and give you one or more chances to learn from your mistake.

You may benefit greatly from some short term counselling or therapy to learn how to get control of such maladaptive assumptions or beliefs.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

I’ve generally never done anything in life that would have to force someone to ask themselves if they’d give me a second chance or not. That said, I’ve slipped up twice. The first time, I had no second chance. The second time, I got another chance – but I absolutely did not think I was going to.

mollypop51797's avatar

I was talking about this recently with a friend. Here’s what I think, if you’re willing to give someone a chance, that means that you should be willing to be in for the ride. I think that being in for the ride means that you’re willing to deal with the ups and downs and that you’re willing to give them a chance to be you’re friend. I think that fighting will only strengthen your friendship, but you’ll eventually realize that they’re not meant to be your friends and that you gave them a chance.

The only thing about this is that, I personally, never know for sure when their chance is up or when I’m just being nice. When I want to be a friend to someone, I am saying that I am willing to overlook their flaws, and focus on the qualities that I enjoy the most. However, I am wondering, when do you know that the chance has been given? I believe that getting mad at them a couple of times doesn’t mean that you give up on them because things didn’t go as smoothly as you want it to. I think we ALL know that nothing in this world is perfect, friendships, people, etc. And I think that being able to forgive makes you stronger. But, then there is the whole part where you’ve forgiven over and over, and that’s when I say. Get over them! If you have to forgive them this many times, and you realize that they AREN’T the type of person that you believed in the beginning, it’s just done.

Recently, I have lost a friend who I thought was going to be my best friend. But I have just recently come to realize that she isn’t who I thought she was. I thought I could handle it, but the more I forgave her, the closer I got, and the meaner she got, the more it would hurt. I’ve learned from her that I don’t ever want to have the same qualities, and I’ve learned that I gave her too many chances since it’s been about a year of dealing with her behavior, however this only applied to what happened to me. Now, basically I’ve learned that fighting is okay, but letting her hurt you over and over again isn’t the type of person you want to be friends with.

In other words, you will know when their chance is up, or you’ll at least learn. I don’t know when because we all will find out a different way, but once you learn it it’s something you’ll never forget. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, and you’ll never forget how. So, once you learn from mistakes, and giving too many chances, or giving too little, you’ll know for the future when their chance is up and when you should move on. Did this make any sense?

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

I have been fortunate that people have often given me one or more chances to get the point or correct my behaviour.

Sometimes I get on the wrong track and having ADHD it may take some clear feedback to clarify for me what the expectations are or what is needed from me.

Usually people can see I’m trying to help or make a useful contribution and that I mean well. If my efforts are misdirected, I earnestly try to get the right focus and I am grateful that people will often let me try again.

zebter's avatar

Why does it seem like some people need more chances than others? In my life I have had to give many many many chances. When is enough enough and how do you get it through to the people that you can’t take some things anymore?
I am not going to say I am perfect but I have needed just a small hand full of chances in my life for things I have done and I can think of 2 major ones and I am thankful that the number in my books is so low. But what if the things I need chances for I have given to others multiple times but it does not feel like they are willing to give me the same chance back in a equal way i am giving it to them?

Silhouette's avatar

@zebter Some people are givers and others are takers. When enough is enough is up to you. It’s not as black-and-white as it should be. So many factors are involved, and the ultimate decision lies in your hands. Sometimes enough in one area isn’t enough in another; you’ve got to decide what your personal breaking point is, and then you’ve got to stick to it.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

In general and for the most part yes and it feels like they have. I count myself fortunate for the patience and faith of others because I don’t feel I have the same.

zebter's avatar

Well for me it does not feel like I am even getting a chance. He made a mistake before me one too many times and after that I made my mistake. Now I need to let go of my anger I have built up and move on with that part of m life. I do not check up on him with certain things but you think I should. I go by my gut feeling and lately it has not been a good feeling. He spy’s on me every chance he gets. Trying to see what I am typing or who I am talking to. I can’t stand this crap any more. So I do not feel like I am getting a chance at all. He has done more to me over the years with keeping lies and secrets from me and being unfaithful you would think I would have more reason in the world not to trust or believe him. Yet by saying this I am sound like a victim. I am so sick of the bull crap.

phillis's avatar

@zebter Realizing that you are the one allowing yourself to be treated this way (as opposed to it always being the other person’s fault) is the best gift you could ever give yourself, because it means that you grew from the experience. When you finally learn this lesson, the quality of your life rises dramatically. Toxic people are a dime a dozen, but the ones who are proactive and put a stop to abuse are the rare gems of society. It takes incredible strength and bravery to extract yourself from a situation like that, then examine how you can prevent it from EVER happening again. I wish you peace.

@Mollypop Yours was a really good post. I didn’t mean to overlook it before, but damn…..you deserved a GA for that one. It has been taken care of now.

partyparty's avatar

@Dr_Lawrence Yes I agree… always give someone the benefit of a second chance.

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