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wundayatta's avatar

What is your bottom line need, without which your relationship with your SO would become just a business relationship?

Asked by wundayatta (58377 points ) April 29th, 2010

Many partners in relationships may not share a lot of interests or even like many of the same activities, yet they have a very happy relationship because of one thing they do share. I’m thinking of friends of mine. He likes chess and physical activities. She likes arts and can barely even stand walking. But they love talking to each other. They are endlessly interested in each other. They have found a way around their differences that makes those differences manageable, while focusing on the things that make them love each other.

My relationship with my wife has bounced between love and business partnership over the years. There are times when we are so far apart, emotionally speaking, that we might as well be a part of a corporation whose job is running a household and bringing up kids. At other times we enjoy each other, having dinner together, seeing plays, visiting friends, dancing, hugging, making love.

But my bottom line, I think, is physical. When it’s not there, I lose touch and start feeling alone, even if we are doing all those other things. For some reason, without that physical intimacy, I get blocked from trust and emotional intimacy. My body gets tight and twisted as my muscles clench up. A haze falls around my head, and I lose my peripheral vision. I can’t think. I start feeling like I want to crush something. It’s that visceral.

Does anyone else have a kind of bottom line thing that they must have in a relationship in order to feel fully connected? What is it? Do you get it?

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28 Answers

wilma's avatar

Trust.

beautifulbobby193's avatar

Sexual intercourse.

Sophief's avatar

Communication, love.

wonderingwhy's avatar

For me it’s the emotional aspect, genuinely caring about them and feeling the same in return, mixed with knowing that they’re there even when they’re not.

free_fallin's avatar

I crave the basics: trust, open communication, honesty. The physical aspect is important also. I like to be touched. Whether it’s a caressing of my shoulders, a kiss on my neck, holding my hand, etc. I like knowing they are around me and want me. I prefer to have sex at least daily but understand it depends on my partner and what he/she is feeling. My bottom line is definitely trust/honesty; if I have any doubts regarding those then the relationship cannot function.

john65pennington's avatar

“There is nothing like the touch of a loved one to make your world whole”. actually, i just made that sentence out of nowhere, but its really true. you are needing something that you are missing from your mate and thats intimacy and plenty of it. sure, you have sex, but thats not the deep emotional feeling of attachment that you are yearning for. i have this with my wife and its magic.

Here is our solution: in our past busy schedules, we would take at least 15 minutes to meet each other at some given agreeable location, just to be with each other. no, not sex. just to hug maybe hold hands for a brief few minutes. maybe drink a cup of coffee together or even have lunch. its not being clingy, its just keeping in touch with the one you love.

Its been 44 years, since i married my soulmate. you will say this to yourself one day, but it appears you need to make some adjustments in your marriage. never let the fire burn out and never cross the line or cause suspicions. you know what i mean.

You have asked your question to us, so now its time for you to discuss your feelings with your wife. if two people truly love each other, you will always find a way to manage and resolve problems for each other.

wundayatta's avatar

@john65pennington Here is my frustration. We have been discussing this. Three years now. I truly don’t know how to bridge this gap, and I feel like I’ve been trying so hard. It is so frustrating! I don’t know if it is possible to bridge this gap and that is so scary.

jbfletcherfan's avatar

@john65pennington You’re in the wrong profession, You should be a counselor. :-)

marinelife's avatar

For me, the key to intimacy, which is the bottom line of our relationship, is communication. When it is good we are sharing things and talking, and that leads to good physical intimacy.

john65pennington's avatar

Personal question to Wundayatta….who makes the most money in your house? this could be one problem.

janbb's avatar

To be seen and appreciated for who I really am.

meagan's avatar

Its money, Honey.

ucme's avatar

Oooh that’s a goody. Now then let me think,do you know what, when all’s said & done I can’t put my finger on what it is.Just that certain aura & gut feeling that you know it’s right, & damn it feels good.Oh & inevitably of course great sex helps.

CMaz's avatar

Common ground.

OneMoreMinute's avatar

@ucme Here it comes again! ready Freddy?

…....Bobs your Uncle! Jolly right you know!

the certain aura and knowing it’s right!
wins!

sounds like we’re talking about the right fit here.
not forcing a square peg into a round hole. ooh, no inuendos here. it’s a metaphor.

Draconess25's avatar

I don’t know. I just get this feeling about them, that I wouldn’t with any other people. I feel safe around my girlfriends, & I’m usually quite paranoid.

definitive's avatar

Yeah I would agree that I need physical intimacy…I definitely need hugs to boost me back up again. Start to go craaaazzzy without them…so find comfort in a dolly glass of red if I’m on hug rations lol :)

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I have to feel inspired by him and feel that he is inspired by me. Without that, I can be in some other relationship.

YARNLADY's avatar

To me, it’s totally unquantifiable. It’s just an attitude in my brain that is a total commitment to life together.

Ponderer983's avatar

Love and desire to be sexually involved

Snorkledorf's avatar

My hierarchy of connection feels like this (working backward): Without a lot of physical contact (not just sexual, but definitely including sexual contact), an intimate SO relationship would be de-facto downgraded into a deep friendship.

Then without emotional sharing, a deep friendship would be downgraded to a shallow friendship.

Then if we only talked about a narrow range of topics, then that would downgrade into a “hobby friendship.”

Below that is just being an acquaintance, where it’s like, “Gee, how ‘bout this weather?”

CaptainHarley's avatar

My only criterion for my relationship with my wife is that she truly love me… which she does, as I do her. See how that works? : D

jeanmay's avatar

We have to laugh together. His sense of humour is what attracted me to him, and every time we laugh together I’m reminded of those early days of our relationship. It keeps it fresh for me, and is a great lubricant to communication. We can’t always manage to agree in words, but we always are united in laughter.

Maybe you’ve been discussing it too much. Let it go and let flow a bit, perhaps? I had a relationship where the physical intimacy was lacking, and the constant discussion proved in the end to be a massive turn-off; the nail in the coffin.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

When there has been a deep betrayal….it has been impossible for me to trust again.

Bottom line need: Truth. Trust.

zen_'s avatar

If money exchanged hands.

lifeflame's avatar

Humour. Which leads to freshness and intimacy again.

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