General Question

legenwaitforitdairy's avatar

How do you know if someone is right for you?

Asked by legenwaitforitdairy (159 points ) May 18th, 2010

Any people in long term relationships that know how/why the person that they’re with is good for them?

My boyfriend is moving across the country and I’ve been getting some strange feelings. I know that he thinks i’m the proverbial “one” but I’m starting to have my doubts.

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21 Answers

marinelife's avatar

Well, long distance relationships are pretty hard to maintain. When he goes, see how your life is. Do you miss him constantly and think of him?

CMaz's avatar

You know when you both come to understand that it takes daily effort, respecting compromise, sacrifice and teamwork.

Basically, if they want it to work as bad as you do.

Seaofclouds's avatar

Are your doubts because of your feelings for him or because he is moving? If you feel like you don’t have those feelings for him anymore, it could be that this relationship has run it’s course. If you are having doubts about the relationship working long distance, that’s a normal fear (in my opinion) when someone we care about moves away. Long distance relationships can be hard, but they can work out. If I were you, I’d take some time to figure out exactly what you are having doubts about and how you feel about him.

As for knowing how and why my husband is right for me, it’s because of the way we work together, the feelings we share for each other, and the way things are so natural with him.

Ponderer983's avatar

It’s cheesey, but most of the cliches about finding “the one” are true. You just KNOW. And unfortunately, that feeling and knowing is different for everyone. I can’t tell you based on my experience what that feels like, because each person has different properties in another that make them the one. But overall, it’s finding someone who’s good outweighs their bads (you will never find you perfect ideal! trust me) and that you can imagine growing old with and spending your days with. Someone who you are completely comfortable with and don’t have to change who you are to the core. They accept all that you are and don’t judge you.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

Physical separation is the ultimate test of a relationship. Our relationship survived five overseas deployments; I think it was stronger for having been so tested.

A “right” relationship is where you support and compliment each other, not try to change each other.

El_Cadejo's avatar

You know when you dont have to ask questions like this. There is just something in you that tells you its right and its meant to be.

Siren's avatar

I agree with @uberbatman: When you don’t ask these questions, that person is right for you. If you’re having doubts, you have to trust your instincts. No one can tell you if this person is the “one”: only you will know that, deep inside.

partyparty's avatar

When you are with them you get butterflies in your stomach, when you are without them part of you is missing. A deep sense of loss.

CMaz's avatar

You know when you are both together 50 years from now.

legenwaitforitdairy's avatar

my boyfriend is great and really loves me, but there are things that he did in the beginning of our relationship that has left some pretty terrible scars (that are still, kind of raw). He’s truly regretful and will be flying 5,000 miles to see me for a couple of hours to fly back the 5,000 miles the following day. i know that he is a different man now but there are things that signal to me that he’s not my perfect match on 2 levels. (1) his sexual history (2) his ability to lie to himself about his past.

I understand that “past is past” but past isn’t past if past was brought into the present. Get what I’m sayin?

He has made strides to get me to trust him, and it’s somewhat working…but I don’t know…I used to know that he was it…and I don’t know anymore.

I feel like there’s a lot of guilt attributed to being with someone who loves you that much. Ugh, I don’t know what to do.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@legenwaitforitdairy I’m curious what you mean by “his ability to lie to himself about his past”. Do you know some truth about his past that he doesn’t? When you say his past was brought to the present, do you mean that he got involved with an ex or just talked about them? Do you feel guilty because he loves you and you don’t love him anymore? You shouldn’t feel guilty about it, but you should be honest with him about it. Things happen, people change, and we fall in and out of love for a wide variety of reasons. I think the fact that things that happened at the beginning of your relationship (so almost 2 years ago) are still raw means you guys haven’t really dealt with those issues or gotten passed those issues.

stranger_in_a_strange_land's avatar

I agree with @uberbatman . If it’s “right”, you don’t have to ask.

CMaz's avatar

If it’s “right”? It’s always right. Until it is wrong.

legenwaitforitdairy's avatar

@seaofclouds I was misled for about 1 year…

I stumbled across messages between him and many ladies. Some of which were lewd and full of sexual innuendos.

When I say: lie about past…I’ll give you an example.

He went to hang out with his ex. The coffee table broke. He fixed it. He sent her a text later that said: “Thanks for having me over for dinner tonight and tell your mother thanks for letting me under..your…table ;-).”

I got angry. And he literally, for 4 hours “believed” that wasn’t implying anything but thanking his ex’s mom for dinner and for letting him fix their table.

4 hours.

I feel like if he had just said: “I’m sorry for being so inappropriate…I won’t do it again..way to point it out…” I’d feel so much better. But he, legitimately thought that that’s what he was saying to her. Until his best friend was like: “listen bro, you were totally implying something that wasn’t a table” and he was like: “okay, i can see why people would think that.” He completely wants to convince himself that he’s an angel. It’s completely unreal and frustrating.

There are parts of me that love parts of him but there’s definitely guilt about how wholly I love him in comparison to his feelings for me.

The reason many of these things are so raw is because they magically keep coming up. For example, the day we met he chased after me on his bike so that he could spend more time with me. And later he was like: “i can’t believe I liked you so much, I’ve never chased a girl down before.” Meanwhile, I was told by his exes/friends of wonderful stories of him having done those things.

It just reminds me how much he lied to me = raw, and takes away from the “specialness” I felt in the beginning of our relationship. Now when he says things like, I want to marry you, you’re the only person I’ve ever wanted to marry…I’m waiting for someone to come up to me and say: “sweetheart, he said the same thing to me”

Seaofclouds's avatar

Lying is a deal breaker to me, so if I was you, I would be gone. That being said, telling you that you are the most special may not be a lie (even though he told the same thing to others in the past). At the time he told his exes that, it was true for them and that time. Now it may be true for you and the present.

As far as the “under the table” comment, I think that is a sign of his maturity and his sense of humor.

Regardless, it sounds like you want out, so the best thing you can do is end it and move on. If you feel guilty because you don’t feel the same way he does, the best thing you can do is move on. It’s not fair to stay with him when you don’t feel the same as him just because of how he feels for you.

chyna's avatar

If you are feeling this way, then now is the time to move on, especially since he is moving away. Don’t let him get you across the country where you have no family and friends and treat you the way he has in the past.

CMaz's avatar

And what ever you do. Keep the dog.

chyna's avatar

@And keep the good CD’s.

perspicacious's avatar

If you have just starting feeling some doubt, don’t stress hugely about that. His moving is a big thing and it’s hard knowing you will have less contact with him. Quite honestly, in the end, if he is the right one for you you will deal with the distance relationship. When you know you don’t want to anymore, you can take that to mean he isn’t the right one. You just could not say goodbye to him otherwise.

MrsDufresne's avatar

When you would never question it. ;}

(btw, love your screenname)

john65pennington's avatar

The distance may be the problem, not you. its really difficult to stay in love and trust a person, when so many miles separate each other. one can cheat and the other will never know it. i say if you have doubts now, then break it off and see what happens. if its meant to be, it will be.

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