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john65pennington's avatar

Should i make the call?

Asked by john65pennington (29235points) October 17th, 2010

A neighbor friend of mine is on again, off again the drug wagon. She has a daughter age 14 and one age 4. I have known this person, since she was two years old. She is now 39. A friend co-signed for her a new car. She has lost three cars in the past. She is divorced and her ex would love nothing better than to hear that she is back on drugs. If i make the call, she will lose her two daughters, one to the ex(daddy) and the other to the state or grandparents. I have answered many calls with situations just like this. It’s different, when it’s someone you closely know. I can make the call to her ex or the call to the state or I can do nothing at all. Question: Should i make the call? If so, to her ex or to the state or not at all?

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15 Answers

El_Cadejo's avatar

Have you personally tried sitting down with her yourself and talking with her?

I would try that and save the call as a last ditch effort.

chyna's avatar

Would the children be better with the ex and with grandparents? Is she a danger to her kids? Can you answer these questions honestly and unbiased?

Mamradpivo's avatar

If you’re not convinced that taking her daughters away and putting them into state custody is the best thing for them, definitely don’t call the state. There’s no option to change your mind.

john65pennington's avatar

Wife and i were there when her children were born. i have to admit that this is a tough situation for me. she has lied to my wife and i on many occasions. its not revenge i am after, its concern for her children. this is defintetly not the first time this has occured. wife and i have talked to her, at length, in the past over this same situation. i will say that her children have never suffered because of her addiction. like i said, my main concern is her children and her being strung out driving and someone gets killed. tough call here.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

What about talking to child services about it?

john65pennington's avatar

I f i make just one call to any of those agencies, it will be a whistle blower. they will be like blood hounds investigating her and her children. been there, done that with other drug addicts.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Okay, so we scratch those ideas. Back to @chyna ‘s questions. What are your thoughts on those?

perg's avatar

I’m with @uberbatman. Tell her first that you’re about to make the call and give her a chance to address the situation. If she doesn’t, you gave her fair chance and now your responsibility shifts to those who can’t care for themselves – the kid. And then, as @chyna says, who you call depends on which would be best for the kids.

Pandora's avatar

Two things I would ask myself.
Can I live with myself if something happens to those kids and I could’ve prevented it?
Would I make that call if this person was a stranger to me?
The state doesn’t always take the mothers rights away forever. They will probably put her into a program and see if she can resume being a parent. The first kid she may loose to the dad. But if she does everything right she may still have partial custody or at least get visitation and she will still have the second child. I’ve seen children returned to the worse parents who are simply neglectful.
If you say she is at least caring otherwise than her chances may be better than most.

Cruiser's avatar

@john65pennington You do know what you need to do….the situation is not going to get any better and you already know this….these kids deserve better.

CyanoticWasp's avatar

If the kids are relatively happy and healthy, and you don’t have imminent concerns for their safety, then I think I’d let it go for now. But I don’t know the details of the drug/s in question or any of her other behavior, so that’s not a blanket “leave her alone”; I’m just answering what I see in front of me. You might talk to her and tell her that “you know”, and “you’ll help the kids” if you can.

But things can happen to any of us or our kids, no matter how sober and vigilant we are, so if the kids are in a good place now, then I wouldn’t over-consider all of the “what if” scenarios.

Jeruba's avatar

You don’t actually say if you believe she is back on drugs now and what your reason is for this belief.

I hope you don’t call the ex. He sounds vindictive. He is not her judge and is not an objective party. That could create a scene and a situation that would be much worse for the kids than what’s happening right now. She needs help, not punishment. If you call the ex, you will probably give up permanently a chance to influence events in her life, don’t you think?

Assuming that she is using again, I think I would say to her something like this: “Sweetie, it looks to me like you’re heading for trouble again. You’re free to make your own decisions in life, but I do worry about the girls, and I’m sure you do too. If you decide that you’re ready for some help, let me know and I’ll be happy to call someone for you or take you to a hospital or a recovery facility.”

BarnacleBill's avatar

You could spend more time with the kids and ascertain from the 14 year old if the situation warrants intervention of some sort.

Frenchfry's avatar

Being her friend. Get her help through the professionals in drug abuse .Have a Intervention. They have a show on TV about it. Family and friends get and a counselour get together confront the addict. Tell her it’s either clean up or lose everything. They usually decide to clean up. I would do that before calling and have her kids take away . You can call a Drug Abuse counselour and they would set it up.

johlucmoha's avatar

That is a tough decision to make. It could backfire on you.
Why not talk with her about going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings,
going to a Drug Abuse Counselor. You can show her that you are
a true friend by being there for her.
having her kids taken away from her, by the state or ex-husband would not
solve the problem. Only create more uses and psych problems.

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