If you fall in love with someone that you should not have, should you feel bad about the fact that you can't stop loving them?

It sounds like you don’t know this person well enough to know if he is married or not, so I’m not sure how you would know if you were in love. But to answer the question, the best thing to do, if you find he is married, is to stay away from him.

Yes, yes, that’s all fine and dandy. My question is how do you turn off your feelings for this person? And is it all right to continue loving that person if you don’t act on it, or is there something morally wrong with that?

Why bother loving someone you can’t have? The only way to stop loving someone you can’t have is to stop running into him, stop thinking of him, stop day dreaming about him. Go find someone that is attainable.

I don’t know yet if I can’t have him. And even if I can, I don’t know if he wants me. But, realistically speaking, it seems impossible at this point to stop feeling the way I do. I feel emotions very passionately, and they are not easy to turn off.

I’m pretty into a guy who, I just found out, has a girlfriend. My opinion is that there’s nothing wrong with it so long as you’re not trying to sabotage what he has (which I see that you’re not). But for your own mental health it’s probably time to start working on getting over him.

@Mariah : Well first I’d like to actually find out if he’s is definitely available or not before I go and give up…:)

@yankeetooter Oh yeah, that’d be a good first step. XD

I just worry about stuff too much-all my friends tell me this and they’re right. I have to get over the “what-if’s”, find out what’s up, and then figure out what to do from there?

Its not a crime, in the human sense. But, about the only good its going to do for you is a broken heart.

You cannot help who you fall in love with. I would make no moves, until you are sure he is not married. If he’s not, then go for it. If he is, this could be big trouble on the horizon.

There is a good song on Youtube that fits your situation. Its by Lobo, Where Were You When I Was Falling In Love.

Thanks @john65pennington , and I will make no move if it turns out to be true. I know it would only lead to a broken heart, but so will not being able to be with him…

There’s absolutely no way that I would ever break up a marriage, regardless…

Time will take care of feeling when you’re young and getting very busy. If you don’t know him well enough to know if he’s married, can you tell me what you are in love with?

So much about this guy, I don’t know where to begin…because it’s late, I am copying a list of things that I like about this guy that I had written to someone on another forum. I hope that you don’t mind the recycled material, lol! Here goes:

1) Someone who is smart (but doesn’t make other people feel inferior if they are not as smart as him), funny, and who doesn’t think it’s a crime to actually read books.

2) Someone who can hold an intelligent conversation, and who doesn’t have to have a joke explained to them to get it.

3) Someone who can sense when I’m feeling awkward, flustered, or embarrassed, and not only cares that I’m feeling that way, but does his best to make me feel better.

4) Someone with a kind heart, who will go out of his way to do kind things for me.

5) Someone who’s a diehard Baltimore Orioles fan.

6) Someone who can make me laugh even when I’m extremely irked with them at the time, to the point that I forget why I was even mad at them in the first place.

7) Someone who encourages me to do my very best in all things, and who believes in me even when I am doubting myself.

8) Someone who can be deep, but still get why the Simpsons is funny.

9) Someone who is quirky and unpredictable.

10) Someone who likes music, and has musical talent (plays an instrument).

11) Someone who thinks that what I do and believe in is important, and recognizes that not just anyone could do what I do, and who will speak up for me and defend my values.

12) Someone who cares about what he is currently involved in, even if it is not what he wants to do with his life.

13) Someone who can sense when I am on the verge of tears/in a bad way/going through a rough time, etc., and reacts by treating me very kindly and gently.

14) Someone who is not so full of himself that he can’t poke fun at himself.

I’m confused. you know him so wel that he stops your tears, you can just ask him.

Yeah, assuming I’m not a coward…these were pretty much all things that happened when he was still my professor, gasp! (except for #‘s 3 and 7, which were inspired by events happening after he was no longer my professor…)

Actually #7 was before and after, to be completely accurate…

Ask him. It’s a logical question and he will understand. If you can’t, you’ll have to live with the jumble of feelings you’re experiencing now. You may be enjoying that underneath it all.

What you do now, will tell you how grown up you are.

First of all you have to find out if he’s married (or involved with somebody else) If he is, then you have to walk away. No matter how you feel about him. Don’t dilly dally or hope or pray that he is free. Find out now. Either ask him directly, or ask someone who knows him for real. Don’t speculate, or pine away, or daydream about him. It doesn’t matter if you are shy. Find a way to get the answer to this question as soon as possible. It’s pretty simple. Either you ask him directly, or you have a friend or relative ask him directly, or you find out by doing a little bit of online research. If he is completely free, then you need to find out if he is straight, and then you need to find out whether he is interested in you. Don’t ever use the excuse that you are shy. Find out, somehow, even if you need to get someone to help you.

If you still feel love for him after you have walked away, know that it will take time for your passion to die down. In the meantime you need to do other things that will occupy your mind and your time. If you just sit there and think about him, it will prolong your pain. Never just sit there thinking about him. Occupy your time. Do something else, but do something that is in your best interest and not likely to leave you pining about him.

Do NOT make a scrapbook of his favorite things. Do NOT compile a photo album of pictures of him. Do NOT write romantic stories and poems about him. Do NOT talk to your friends about how wonderful he is. Don’t compare his fabulous traits to other people. Do NOT think about yourself as his partner, love interest, wife or lover.

What do you enjoy doing? Do you have any activities that you are passionate about (painting, photography, hiking, writing, poetry, cooking, comedy, singing)? If not, find some! NOW! Do you have friends or family that you like and love and adore? If so, make a huge effort to spend time with them. NOW! Do you have some things in your life that you’ve been meaning to do, but haven’t had the time to persue? Like traveling or changing careers, or studying other subjects, or volunteering with a worthy cause, or cleaning, painting or organizing your home? If so do those things NOW! Have you ever wanted to try something new such as ballrom dancing, or tent camping, or Thai cooking or quilting? If so then persue some of those activities NOW!

When you involve yourself in activities that you love and enjoy, you are more likely to find someone that is suitable for you as a mate and love interest. Even if you don’t find a match, you will not have wasted your time.

After 6 months (If you find that you have to walk away from this guy) and you still feel pain and passion and deep feelings of un-requited love that you just can’t shake, consider getting some temporary therapy to deal with your feelings of loss. If you don’t, you’ll just suffer, needlessly, for a much longer time.

There’s no reason to feel badly about loving someone that you can’t be with. But continuing to beat yourself up and pine away for someone that you can’t have is counter-productive and very destructive to you. Every single one of us Fluthers (except for about 2 that shall remain nameless) have been through this situation, sometimes more than once and lived to tell about it. So no that you are not unique or alone in your feelings

No matter what the circumstances, you should never feel bad. Love is a strange, beautiful and powerful thing.
P.s sounds like you really need to have a talk with this person.

I agree with @novemberrain – one should never feel bad for feeling love. And one can’t simply stop loving a person either just because they get that they should. If he’s married, find out if he is happily so. If he is, then you must detach a bit and give yourself time to move on.

Thanks, @Simone_De_Beauvoir and @novemberrain! I know that if he’s happily married he’s hands off…I guess if he’s not I could hang around in the background…but that would probably be wrong. I would even try starting off as friends…I know people will groan at this…but I feel such a connection with this guy, and I want to get to know him better…

Thanks for recognizing along with me that love is not so easily turned off…

I’d like to offer another opinion. That list of things you like in this guy. To me, that’s a list of things I’d love to have in a great teacher &/or friend. It sounds like this is just a big crush on your part. There’s lots of people that are really great at being wonderful, but it doesn’t mean that they are into you. The question is, is he like this to others or exclusively to you? And if he does have a partner… How would you feel if someone moved in on your man, even if it was just as a friend. You already have feelings for him, it’s always going to be niggling at you. The way to stop feelings is to do something about it & stop over analysing it. And it takes time, so expect that there’ll be ups & downs.

@ninjaapantz : Thanks for your input…from what I saw while class was going on, it was only directed towards me. However, to be fair, I was the only female in the class, and the only one near the professor’s age. I’m just worried how I will take it if things do not work out when I ask him out…tonight, purely due to happenstance, I didn’t get to see him or talk to him. (I guess you could say the fates were not in my favor if you prefer, lol!) I was rather down on the way home, although I’m feeling better now…

Oh, and overanalyzing, that’s what I do best….:)

No, it’s not wrong. Love isn’t like a faucet. It can’t be turned on and off. You have to accept that you love the person, and then, over time, you have to accept that while you love this person, s/he is not available and is with someone else. You have to confront the issue head on. Don’t repress your feelings. If you don’t acknowledge the situation, then nothing can be done about it.

@lonelydragon You’re right, I didn’t mean turn off your feelings. What I meant was address the issue by doing something about it. Talk to the guy or decide to walk away & to deal with it. Doing nothing & over analysing it just compounds the agony of not knowing.

@yankeetooter if you’re the only girl in the class, he’d naturally turn his attention to you – just saying.

@ninjaapantz I know…:(.
@lonelydragon Thanks for the advice…