Neighbor's daughter secret exposed, do you keep it or leak it?

I’d never go to a strip club, yet alone sit through three acts, but if I were the subject laid out in your scenario, I’d mind my own business. You don’t know the back story of the other three and wouldn’t tell their parents, so I’d go with the same rule for the fourth. It seems she made a mistake talking to you and confirming her true identity, which making decisions like that is probably what led her to a life of stripping after she realized that Johns Hopkins won’t be calling to follow up on her application anytime soon, here.

I’d also not tell because I wouldn’t want my neighbors to know I frequent strip clubs, so that’s a muted bonus.

None of your damn business.

Guy I know had a similar situation where he saw one of his students on stage.

The problem I have with keeping the secret is the age of the girl. If she were 18, no problem; her life. I would not tell the parents; however, I doubt the club owner would care very much. So, there really is nothing to do about it.

Oh man wow.

I have no idea. I mean you probably should tell her parents if only because she’s under age. But thats a huge bomb to drop and is probably the type of thing she should be telling them (if anyone). Did you ask her wtf she’s doing stripping????? She’s young, if she’s taking AP classes she’s not stupid and has tons of opportunity that doesn’t involve taking her clothes off. Why does she want to potentially mess up her life??

Use it as blackmail for when she turns 18 lol

In all honesty, I couldn’t care less, it’s her issue, her problem, and I don’t want to be involved with it.

Blackmail her for 20% of her tips. Seriously though not your place to rat her out.

Thanks for the answers so far. Most think as I do that is is too big of a mine field to want to wade off in ot but….............if it was your daughter sneaking out and doing that under your nose wouldn’t you want to know? And would you not feel betrayed if somone you said “hi” to everytime you seen them and even lent them your garden hose knew it and never told you?

My brother ran into a girl down the street while she was performing at a strip club. The difference is she was 18, and genuinely excited to see him there.
I am with @optimisticpessimist . The only issue is she is underage. Fortunately, I am not a cop or on the ethics board. If the neighbors were friends, well, that would be one more thing. I would probably let it go, and hope it doesn’t blow up in my face.

While I think it’s cool that you care, the choices your neighbor’s daughter makes in her life are her own, and not yours to judge. As long as there’s no evidence she’s being coerced into doing this, I think you should leave it alone. It’s not your place. We live in a nanny society that has developed some arbitrary more that says, “18 is good, but 17 is bad” in an effort to protect minors. Well, this 17 year old sounds mature enough to handle it. It’s also not your place to interject yourself between her and her parents.

Her life, her decisions, and she gets to live with the consequences.

Turn this around. What if it was your daughter?

One of my daughters? The one who used to work in meth labs or the one who works as a body piercer?
Maybe I am not the best person to ask.

If by 17 I haven’t taught my daughter a well-developed sense of morality enabling her to make good decisions (and I mean the important ones, not so much the day-to-day decisions), then there’s not much I can do in this situation, is there? Sure, I can tell the strip club that she’s 17 and she’ll get fired, but that’s not the main concern here, is it? The main concern (in the way @Adirondackwannabe and others are positioning the question) is that my daughter has made a life choice which I may find shocking and/or immoral.

By 17, it’s too late, I think. They’re on their own at that point; we’ve done what we can do to help them grow up, and now it’s up to them to make their choices.

Just my opinion, of course. Parenting is hard!

I thought I knew everything at 17 and I was bulletproof.

I wouldn’t say a thing.

Don’t we have a little duty to the kid to take her aside and maybe try to counsel her a little?

That assumes, @Adirondackwannabe, that our morality is right and hers is wrong. Is that our place, since she’s not our daughter?

@Neurotic_David I’m just thinking this through. If we watch out for each other more, wouldn’t it make life easier. Yeah, I’m an idealist.

Oh, I totally agree with you, @Adirondackwannabe. If we, as a society, had each other’s backs more, there would be less badness. Sign me up, sir!

What I love about @Hypocrisy_Central‘s question is it’s so hard. It forces us to face difficult questions about morality and parenting and being a good neighbor.

Do you have a sense at how mature/smart this girl is (just from knowing her as a neighbor)?
All moral judgments aside (because I never feel like I should impose my morals on others)..I don’t necessarily see a problem with what she’s doing as long as she’s being careful and not at risk.

Here’s where I’m going with this… I was a really responsible kid. First born – type A personality, over-achiever. While my kid sister was getting busted for DUIs and getting kicked out of schools..I flew under the radar so my parents kind of…just stopped imposing restrictions. Due to odd family dynamics..I was really kind of independent (making my own meals, buying my own clothes, etc) from a very young age. (14)
Flash to me at age 17..I was running wild. I was at parties with college kids (I grew up in a big college town) I was out at all hours of the night. I once drove to a different city 2 hours away (on a school night, at 1am) to have a fight/discussion with my then boyfriend… but I made it back in time for school the next day, and I had my homework done and ready to hand in.
I can think of TONS of times I told my parents I was one place..but instead I was on a tour bus with Nine Inch Nails, or dancing at a 21+ club.

BUT I also had straight As, was attending college (simultaneously with high school) and never got into any trouble. Here’s the thing.. I just didn’t get caught. There were LOTS of times I might have been..but I was careful about the risks I took (no drunken driving, no illegal drugs, no dark alley encounters with strange men).

I know more than a couple smart girls who saved up money for college (or some other major expense – like a car, or vacation money) by stripping.
They went on to be doctors, lawyers and good parents. I never stipped..but then, I was busy working at several other jobs concurrently while in H.S. and college so I wasn’t looking for add’l paying work of any kind.

So. If you think this girl is headed down a wrong path (the proverbial downward spiral) or that her dancing is to support some sort of problem behavior (drugs/partying) her parents should know about..then maybe an anonymous note or phone call might be in order.

If you get the sense that she’s doing this for the money—maybe much needed money in a time when it’s hard for 17 year old girls to get a decent paying job to save up for college..then maybe back-off and let her be the one to either decide it’s not worth the “risk” of being caught or that she’s willing to tell her parents where (and how) she made that money.

I’d say nothing. Every girl who strips is someone’s daughter and since you go to strip clubs in the first place then you don’t mind. Is it because you recognize a face that the club experience is suddenly changed for you, could the question be more about yourself than the detail about the girl? Again, every girl who strips is or has been someone’s daughter and you have no idea the ages or circumstances when you agree to go there and enjoy eye candy or getting off via a lap dance.

I never even read this question.

Yes, if my daughter were doing this, I would want to know. At the age of 17 there is probably not much I could do to change her opinion; however, I could definitely put a tighter leash on her. I do not know how well you know the parents or what your relationship is like. I wish I could say the parents would be grateful if you told them, but they might just decide to hate you instead. (The same way people do not usually tell on cheaters because it is usually the messenger who gets burned, not the cheater.) It would be convenient if you could put a bug in the ear of the police so you would not get really mixed up in it but she would lose her job because she is underage. Their is no simple answer to this question and I wish I had one for you. I do not like the thought of a 17 year old girl dancing at a strip club.

@Neurotic_David The difference between 17 and 18 is simply the difference between legally being an adult and not. In most states, you cannot enter a contract at 17 and if you do it becomes legally irrelevant because you are not of legal age.

How close are you to this neighbour? If he is just a neighbour I would stay out of it, if you consider him to be your best friend then maybe you might want to bring it up.

Well, as I often tell my kids. In life there’s what’s right, what’s legal, and what happens in the real world.

In this case what she is doing might not be right, or even legal. However, in the real world you are not going to change her overall lifestyle choices by turning her in. At best you will just drop a bomb shell in your neighbor’s house and by the time the yelling is over she will have either turned 18, gone to live with a friend, or both. So, why rock the boat?

Bottom line is she is probably earning more money for her future by doing what she is doing than she will working a “regular” part time job.

Hmm… perhaps this is an opportunity to help her. Tell her you won’t turn her in on the condition that she use the money she is earning to go to school. If she drops out you will let her parents in on her little secret. But if she gets a degree her secret is safe with you for life.

Leave it to noelleptc to summarize how naive I can be at times. Ok, I wouldn’t say anything, it’s her choice.

@Neurotic_David While I think it’s cool that you care, the choices your neighbor’s daughter makes in her life are her own, and not yours to judge.
Her life, her decisions, and she gets to live with the consequences.
If by 17 I haven’t taught my daughter a well-developed sense of morality enabling her to make good decisions (and I mean the important ones, not so much the day-to-day decisions), then there’s not much I can do in this situation, is there?
It is not so much as judging her on if it is right or wrong for her to don a G-string, wiggle her butt and have men stuff $10 and $20s in there as it is not just her situation she is dealing with. She is under-aged so that can cause problems for not just her but the other girls and the club operators.

Once she becomes 17yr yes she is pretty much who she will be, but to do nothing or not try you know the outcome, but by attempting to enlighten her or giver her something to think about you just might effect some change or different direction.

That assumes, @Adirondackwannabe, that our morality is right and hers is wrong. Is that our place, since she’s not our daughter? Morality aside she is a member of the community and of a family. If it was not a 17yr old stripping but 14yr old boys trying to float a rickety raft out on the river would anyone say “we that don’t look safe but they aren’t breaking the law just hope they stay safe” and then go about one’s business?

@Adirondackwannabe Turn this around. What if it was your daughter? If it were my daughter I would want to know, I would want to know if she was doing anything risky or illegal I would want to know.

@noelleptc You’re there to see boobies in the first place. Could you really counsel her that what she’s doing is wrong and what you’re doing is fine? I would not so much think about trying to tell her “no you shouldn’t show your boobs because I caught you while out peeking at boobs”, but more that although her boobs would most likely appear as an 18yr old or even a 21yr old because she has not been on Earth 18 winters her boobs are illegal.

@geeky_mama Here’s the thing.. I just didn’t get caught. There were LOTS of times I might have been..but I was careful about the risks I took (no drunken driving, no illegal drugs, no dark alley encounters with strange men). You were and did but legally the state thinks otherwise. At 17yr. even 17yr and 10 months you (or any other girls) don’t officially become wise enough to choose her own affairs until she gets to 18yr and 1 minute.

@geeky_mama @YoBob I know more than a couple smart girls who saved up money for college (or some other major expense – like a car, or vacation money) by stripping.

maybe much needed money in a time when it’s hard for 17 year old girls to get a decent paying job to save up for college
Bottom line is she is probably earning more money for her future by doing what she is doing than she will working a “regular” part time job.
When I worked as a nail tech I had some clients who were seniors (I think one was a junior with fake I.D.) but they worked the clubs in San Fran and Oakland. One went 1st (can’t remember her motivation for going)and when her friends seen how much she made for 6 hours work over the weekend one by one they went and tried it. Yeah, they made bank, they earned as much or more than they would have working near full time making min. wage. They earned the money for car repairs, cars in general, clothes, college fund, etc. They were not drug addicts, sluts or any of the usual things women who use their bodies to earn a buck is thought of as. And they didn’t get “sucked in” until they could not get out, when a few got enough money and tired of guys as old as their fathers leering at them they stopped, and never went back.

@optimisticpessimist The difference between 17 and 18 is simply the difference between legally being an adult and not. But that simple difference is a big one. At 17yr she has the look, all the parts, all the working plumbing in every biological sense she is a woman just a young one. But in the eyes of the law she is still a de facto child who is not smart enough to set her own mind especially in areas of sexuality, sensuality, or who can legally be her chosen lover. That de facto kidness also can sink the club, get the operators tossed in jail, and put all the other girls, DJs, bouncers, etc out of work. Not only will she lose her job but she is taking a lot with her because of 365 days nothing more.

Honestly i don’t care that others might think of me as a snitch.

I’d talk to her and then to her parents [ no matter what offers i get i would still talk to the parents ], WHy ? because under it all there are severe issues that need to get a fix really soon. And that’s mainly because she’s 17. Till she’s 18 her parents are responsable for her and they need to know where / when / how to pick her up.

After 18 she can do whatever the hell she wants to do with her body [ she can even start selling it for sex whatever ]

dear Hypocrisy_Central… if the family is broken in a bad way AND SHE STARTED TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF AND OTHERS IN THE FAMILY SHE’S MORE ADULT THEN YOU MIGHT THINK. iT ALL DEPENDS ONN THE CIRCUMSTANCES. [ sorry for caps but i’m on a freinds laptop and the caps button has some problems sometimes ]

Anyway this problem isn’t easy at all no matter who’s involved.

There’s a saying… don’t judge a person till you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. What I’ve learnt is that, not all good is great, nor all bad is really bad & sometime really bad is actually very good.

Have you thought of actually being a friend & saying to her. ‘If you need help, then I have an ear. Here’s my number, we can talk’. I wouldn’t talk to the folks because they might be part of the situation because one can never judge a book by it’s cover.

@Hypocrisy_Central my comment about “The difference between 17 and 18 is simply the difference between legally being an adult and not.” was in response to @Neurotic_David (first post) “We live in a nanny society that has developed some arbitrary more that says, “18 is good, but 17 is bad” in an effort to protect minors. Well, this 17 year old sounds mature enough to handle it.”

I was agreeing with all that you said after you quoted me. I had also said, “In most states, you cannot enter a contract at 17 and if you do it becomes legally irrelevant because you are not of legal age.” I meant everything that you said however not near so eloquently.