Social Question

FluffyChicken's avatar

How does one find a cuddle buddy or friend with benefits? (nsfw)

Asked by FluffyChicken (5511points) June 2nd, 2011

How do you find such a person? If you don’t have anyone particular in mind how would you find someone that would fill that role without a romantic relationship? If there was someone you did have in mind, how would you go about asking?

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11 Answers

Blackberry's avatar

I found them at bars and clubs, then during conversation (after they’ve warmed up to you a bit), you tell them you just want sex, or a friend with benefits. A nice, neutral phrase is “Wanna just hang out?”.

Cruiser's avatar

I don’t think that would be possible. To consider to share yourself intimately devoid of any connection what-so-ever just seems impossible in concept as why would you want that and or to be with someone who has zero romantic connection to you in any way?? Even worse is to present yourself as emotionally bankrupt and willing to use or be used. No thanks!

zenvelo's avatar

Craigslist. If you are a woman be prepared for an avalanche of emails.

FluffyChicken's avatar

@Blackberry I’m not much of a bar person and frankly the idea of sleeping with someone I met at a bar is a major turn off.. but I like the “wanna hang out” idea.

@Cruiser I appreciate the sentiment. We are very different people. I am certainly not emotionally bankrupt.. I just need cuddles rather desperately and am not currently ready for a fulblown relationship.

@zenvelo I’ll consider it.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

They do have a whole slew of Website dedicated to that, Adultfriendfinders, XXXblackbook, Getiton, OBC (online booty call), Fling, etc. It is better to seek a real relationship though because after a while those type of site and those gals will get old. You might meet one you really think would be neat to have something with and she won’t be available for that because of the arrangement.

Hibernate's avatar

You just ask some of your friends .. you won’t find until you ask.

augustlan's avatar

Mine were always actual friends. In my younger years, in the natural course of things we’d end up making out after having a little to drink. As it started to get hot and heavy, I’d interject “I’m not interested in a relationship. No strings, ok?”

The most recent one was a guy I met at work. In the course of chit-chatting, I was telling him how I envisioned my life post-divorce (no serious relationships, maybe just a guy to go to the movies with and fool around with, etc.) and he jokingly said something along the lines of “When can we start?” I took him up on it. WARNING: I did end up marrying that last one, though. :D

choreplay's avatar

Not really sure how to answer this question after giving you advice on your recent breakup. The cold answer is you pick your person of interest and joke about it with them, they will either bite the hook or not respond. My advice though, is ditto on @Cruiser‘s post.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

If you have actual friends already, that’s a good place to start. After that, you can post on Craigslist (not recommended if you’re looking for a male partner, because you’ll have to wade through 10K penis pictures before finding a guy who wants to get coffee before whipping it out, and then there’s no guarantee it’ll go past coffee), or a site like OkCupid or possibly (I have no idea if has a FWB selection, and it does cost money). I don’t personally recommend PlentyOfFish, because it puts almost all of the entire initial focus on the picture, and the forms are much more freestyle, so most people don’t put that much and what is there isn’t real quality. And there’s always just finding guys the same way you would for a relationship, but making it clear to them that you aren’t looking for a relationship at this point in time.

It’s really important to figure out just exactly what you mean by “FWB” and “non-romantic”, and exactly what you do and don’t want this relationship to look like. It can be very hard to distinguish the difference between a close friendship with sex, and a romantic relationship – especially if your romantic relationships aren’t as traditional as a rom-com movie. For example, if you go out to movie and a dinner with this guy, is that a problem? Would it be if you were just friends, no sex? What if he gives you a birthday present? What if one of you confides in the other about the familial issues and drama you’re going through right now? What exactly about romantic relationships is it that you’re looking to avoid – with me, aside from some issues I have with traditional expressions of romantic love, I don’t want a “serious” relationship. I want a committed relationship, in which we care about each other seriously, same as how I’m committed to seriously caring about my friends. What I don’t want is this pressure to always be moving forward with a relationship, instead of finding that nice place where we get together a few times a week, spend a few nights together, but each have our own places, our own friends, own careers, own hobbies, own lives, and aren’t on a course towards moving in, getting engaged, married, buying a home, and then baby. I think it’s my own kind of long-term relationship, but to many, if not most, it’s casual dating or friends with benefits.

@Cruiser Friends with benefits, emphasis on the ‘friends’ and differentiation between just a hook-up or NSA sex buddy, is often just as emotionally intimate and focused on connection as traditional romantic relationships. The difference is mainly finding new (well, “new”, non-traditional is a bit more accurate) ways to express the intimacy and caring for one another, and finding a relationship model that works for the people involved, not Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey or the rest of society. To say that in all or most of them there’s no romantic attraction is only true if you’re going with a very narrow and traditional view of romantic love – which is the sort of exclusionary views that drives most people to seek FWB relationships in the first place.

wundayatta's avatar

You could ask a question like this one on fluther and see who pm’s you. Of course, you’d have to find people in your area, which would probably be a challenge, but if you could do that, there’s a good chance they’d be a decent friend who might want the odd benefit or two.

Sweetie26's avatar

I would be honest and just ask and tell them what I was looking for.

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