Social Question

AshLeigh's avatar

What can I do to just feel alright again?

Asked by AshLeigh (15939points) September 5th, 2011

It’s been one week since Asher died, tomorrow.
I know it’s soon, but I don’t know how much more I can take. I try to stay strong, but I’m not that tough.
I don’t know how to begin to deal with this. I don’t know how to start the healing process, and finally accept that he’s really gone forever. I don’t even know if I can do that at all…
I don’t expect to get over it so fast, but I can’t even finish a sentence anymore, without choking on my words. I just want to feel like I can do this. Like it’s really going to be okay.
I wish I could know that Ashers murder did not get tossed to the wayside… But nothing the courts can do will make this right. Nothing they can say will be good enough to even lessen the images in my head of what was done to Asher…

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29 Answers

Hibernate's avatar

There’s nothing you can do. Take some time and grief, even cry if you can to let it out.
If you feel like this for a friend I don’t even wanna imagine what will you do/say/act when a close family member will die.

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

You have to give yourself time. Grieving is a process, and trying to push it aside or force through it too quickly usually tends to come back on us. You have to allow yourself to process the emotions, the sadness, and the healing that will follow.
You are really struggling right now, which is not unusual, since the tragedy is very recent and especially traumatic. Have you considered talking to a counselor or therapist to help you cope with your grief?

bunnygrl's avatar

honey I’m so sorry for your loss <hugs>. Only time will help, allow yourself to do what feels right, try to be around people who understand and can support you, I didn’t have that, well I had my hubby, but all I could see at the time was the pain I felt, and I wanted to be left alone. I locked myself away, didn’t want anyone near me, long story short angel, I got very ill, and after many years im still not back to where i used to be, and might never get there. don’t get ill like i did honey, take care of yourself, allow friends and family to help. Talk about it, how you feel, how much it hurts, don’t keep it all inside, that can cause so much damage. Concentrate on only good memories of your friend, maybe collect photos of happier times and make an album, but please, whatever you do, tell someone close how difficult this is for you and let them help, ok? Sending you mountains of love and hugs angel, you’ll feel better eventually, I promise. Time helps <hugs> xx

Londongirl's avatar

Sorry to hear your lost…

May be you need to go through the grieving time, and try to be with friends and family when needed. Only time can heal..

marinelife's avatar

There is not that much that you can do.

I know it seems like dark days, but the grief will ease as you go through it—slowly.

It might be helpful for you to consider a grief support group or better yet a support group for people who have lost someone to murder.

You could try some form of community service: working with crime victims, volunteering at a hospital. It will take up some time and get your mind off yourself and your loss.

Asher does not want you to let yourself get eaten up over this. Try to hold onto that.

lemming's avatar

I’m so sorry to hear about that…Londongirl is right, the thing you really need is time. The only thing that I can think of that would really give me comfort in your position is my belief in God. I know I know, it’s not exactly hip to believe in God these days. But if I were you I’d go to the church/mosque..whatever.

CWOTUS's avatar

A week is no time at all to get over a sudden death of a loved one or good friend. And there’s no way to tell you to deal with it. For now it’s just a process of breathing and continuing to put one foot in front of the other. That’s one reason it’s called “moving on”; you just have to keep moving sometimes, and having something to do, so that you don’t continue to fall deeper into a funk about the loss.

Believe me and everyone else here who has ever lost a loved one suddenly: It does get better. It takes time, and you’ll always be reminded of the loss from time to time (because there will come a time, if you let it, when the loss won’t be constantly and always at the front of your mind). Don’t beat yourself up when the time comes that you laugh again, either, or find that you hadn’t been dwelling on the loss.

No one who loved you would have wanted your life to stop or be placed on indefinite hold because of his death. Just keep on for now. Press through this. It will get better.

sndfreQ's avatar

Seek professional help, please. Very sorry for your loss. Take care.

smilingheart1's avatar

Ashleigh, the “raw” stage of grief is where you are at now, a surreal place where your world has been slammed. Grief has its own course and it is different for each of us, and healing is a very personal journey. Later, there will be days when you think you are doing very good and then it will circle back on you and you don’t feel as though you are recovering at all. But you are already on the path of coming to terms and the bottom won’t be as deep each time it hits you emotionally one more time. Your emotions, your mind, your spirit, your whole being needs time, and extra support when the circumstances have been traumatic. Talk to others, Ashleigh. Here is a link that sends you daily emails to support you as you go through. Keep in touch!

El_Cadejo's avatar

I feel really sorry for you. When my girlfriend was 18 her best friend was murdered and found buried in a shallow grave on the side of the road. It was extremely rough on her for a long time so I know exactly what your going through here. This isnt something thats going to go away anytime soon. The best advice I can give to you is to talk to close friends or family you know will understand. It does you no good bottling this all up inside. Its ok to cry. Let it out. But most of all remember all the good times you shared with this person. Let them live on within you through your memories. Im very sorry for your loss and hope you luck with the healing process.

A psychiatrist is also a good idea but I know some people are opposed to this at your age and can understand why.

BeccaBoo's avatar

As with anything like this, it all takes time. You have to keep yourself busy, focused on the task in hand and take everything day by day.

Grief is a funny thing and tends to come in waves, you may have a few weeks where your doing great and then BAM!! something will trigger an emotion to make you feel so down. Keep talking to your friends about your feelings (I am a huge believer in group therapy and meeting others that understand exactly how your feeling).

Also make sure your sleeping, or that’s going to send you down a path you don’t want to go down.

Most of all make sure you remember all the stuff that made you smile about your friend and have a little giggle to yourself about it, will keep your spirits happy and your feelings lighter.

But just remember it all takes time, and your grief for someone never goes away completely, it just gets easier to keep going.

Pisces's avatar

To sum up: family, friends, counselling and TIME. In that order. <3

Sunny2's avatar

Part of grief is anger and exercising helps that. Run or walk fast, pounding with your feet and your thoughts. How dare this happen! What did he ever do to deserve this? If you’re in a place where you can, yell, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!” Or sing at the top of your lungs. You may feel you can only cry. You can do that exercising too. Pound a pillow with your fist. We used to beat rugs. That was great for getting rid of anger too. Time is the only true answer. 1 week barely counts. Keep writing us.

MissA's avatar

Death is but one night to a soul.

We grieve for our loss…but, knowing that doesn’t make it easier, Time is your best friend,

Sunny2's avatar

@AshLeigh Just thought of another thing for you to think about. How would Asher want you to handle all this? What would he wish for you?

AshLeigh's avatar

Asher would have asked me the same thing…

Sunny2's avatar

@AshLeigh I’m not sure what you mean. He would have asked you how you wanted to handle it?

AshLeigh's avatar

If it had been someone else who died, Asher would have asked me how they would have wanted me to handle it…

Sunny2's avatar

@AshLeigh Okay, so it’s a good question. You may not be ready to consider it yet. Have you thought about what you might do to memorialize him that would make him glad and give you some satisfaction too?

AshLeigh's avatar

I already wrote everything I wanted to say to him on a balloon, and let if go, hoping that maybe it would reach Heaven, and God would give it to him…

Sunny2's avatar

@AshLeigh How about something here on earth? It could be a marker of some sort. Or it could be something you do for someone else or a group. How could you support his interests in some way?
About the images in your head: the only thing you can do about those, and they must be very painful, is try to put them out of your mind. Let them go. Replace them with good images. This is hard and, again, only time will soften them. You might look into grief counseling. It’s available at community hospitals, religious communities (whether you are a member or not). You don’t have to go through this by yourself. Ask around.

AshLeigh's avatar

I’m not sure I know what you mean by “Something on this Eath”, and “A marker”...
I’m talking to his best friend, Bryan right now… I’m so worried about that kid. He’s more upset than I am. :/

CWOTUS's avatar


Whether you intended it or not, this is one of the best things for you now. Helping someone else deal with grief and loss – or any other major issue in their lives, whether it’s volunteering at a soup kitchen, assisting on a Habitat for Humanity project or anything else to get you busy, working and productive – and “outside of your own head”, mainly – will do wonders for you. You’ll feel better about yourself and you’ll be able to get some perspective and relief.

Good luck to you and to Brian.

AshLeigh's avatar

I didn’t really think of it that way. It’s just the way it is. Asher was his best friend. So, naturally I’d be worried about him… I guess it kind of is the best thing I can do.
But do any of you have any advice on getting this out of my head so I can study for my midterm tomorrow? :/ I’m trying to memorize the definitions, one at a time, but it’s rough to concentrate, with everything that’s going on…

CWOTUS's avatar

Um, no, not really. Except that “getting back into your life”, including normal coursework, homework, tests – the lot of it – will help you. One foot in front of the other, for now.

Sunny2's avatar

@AshLeigh By something on this earth, I mean planting flowers or a tree in his memory or, as @CWOTUS said, getting involved in an organization that helps people. Helping his friend will helpt you.
You have a midterm in September? Are Nick and Marissah available to help you?

lemming's avatar

When you are young and bad things happen to you, you can grow to think the world is fundamentaly a bad place. It’s not true. Just remember that this situation is beyond unusual, I never heard anything like it in my life. Just work on making yourself as secure and comfortable as possible, and that is how you could help your friend too.

AshLeigh's avatar

Considering it’s September, and this is Alaska, planting flowers wouldn’t make much sense, since it’s getting colder.
My school is weird, and we go through classes really fast, so yes, I have a midterm in September.
Marissah’s been really busy lately, and Nick moved 5000 miles away…

Sunny2's avatar

@AshLeigh I forgot about Alaska. Sorry. How about a community group that is trying to do something he might have approved of? You can work off your sad feelings by helping other people. I have no idea what is available to you, but after time, staying active is the most important element. It’s best if it involves other people like kids in a hospital or lonely old folks, or sick animals at a veterinary clinic; anything to make you think about something besides your loss and your feelings.

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