General Question

spykenij's avatar

How do you know when someone really means that they will love you forever when you thought you knew for sure before?

Asked by spykenij (1831points) October 2nd, 2011

See last couple serious questions for the full history.

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16 Answers

GabrielsLamb's avatar

If I knew that… I wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place? I have no idea what people mean when they say anything. I’m not able to believe things on face value.

spykenij's avatar

Yeah, I don’t think I can trust anyone ever again, not even her if she comes back. I will always doubt it, but I will never be able to show it or she’ll flip out again and go from one extreme to the other and do things out of character. The person I thought I knew, I hardly know at all and this is the 4th and last damn time!

YARNLADY's avatar

Nobody knows what the future will bring. Just be happy with what you have, and never mind the rest.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

You don’t.You have to know yourself enough at some point though to where you can discern when the love you believe is there outweighs the negative you believe (or know) is there.

spykenij's avatar

@Neizvestnaya – Ok, well what about when it comes as an absolute surprize? Seriously, I could not read her mind, nor live in her head and she never sent any signals of trouble, even when you asked her to from the start, so this very thing (breakup) would not occur? If you hold it in, it festers and will become resentment.

cookieman's avatar

You don’t. And neither do they, despite what they might profess. Enjoy each day as it comes.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@spykenij: I would not believe anyone who had no reasons for breaking up with me. What I would believe is:

1) There truly was love at one point and for whatever reason their feelings changed, they didn’t want to hurt me with their truth and so chose to say nothing.

2) There may have only been infatuation on their end but not love and when that ended they didn’t respect me enough to take the time away from what they’re up to to give me an explanation.

Whatever the case, save yourself the grief of bothering with whoever this person is who is done with you. Life goes by so quick and there’s lots of love out there if you’re not bogged down beating a dead horse.

Judi's avatar

There are disappointments throughout life. The key is, to surrender, breathe, learn and glean whatever you can.
From what you have shown, you are fighting instead of accepting reality. Once you determine to find the life lesson in this disappointment , you can move on, a much wiser and fulfilled person.
Bitterness or growth? It’s your choice.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

I say we install shock collars on everyone at birth… Anyone who says “I love you, yes, I am positive.” Get’s shocked if they are lying… I don’t think they should ever use those damn things on dogs… Just people who say “I love you.” With the sole purpose in mind of getting better sex.

*Re-lax, it’s a joke. *But… still.


You can’t. Only time will tell.

spykenij's avatar

Now that SHE is across the street at her sisters’, I can finally have some peace and so can she. Why the hell couldn’t she have gone over there to begin with. I’m frikking from Cleveland and I don’t know or feel comfortable with many people I know that still live in Columbus.

I have been in extremely intense relationships and I have had where people tell you they will love you forever in a lover/life partner way and that I will most likely get sick of them, they’ll NEVER get sick of you and so on… People say things they don’t mean all the time and I say, if you don’t mean it forever, you don’t mean it at all, so spare my heart and don’t say it. It’s black or white, is or isn’t, like math true all the time or false. Lesbian relationships can be much more intense emotionally. It feels one sided now, but all in one day?! Saturday, she couldn’t wait for me to get home, was excited, then I come home upset because I needed to write off my extremely toxic, unwelcoming, manipulative mother and my step-douche – I get dumped and it’s completely over with no prior warning and now she’s telling me things like she felt this way for 2 yrs, then 3, then 4… Then if that’s how she felt, why didn’t she just leave me then and why did she drag me to move in with her 78 yr old mother who was up my ass for 2+ yrs, yet I get no credit. She is not being rational at all. She wants her time and space, I left already, this isn’t easy for me, so she can leave and even her own sister said that. Apparently, her sister was playing both sides of the fence, so I told her everything they told me and I’m sure it hurt her because only now will she be able to see how she’s been treating people. If she snaps at her sisters, like how she’s been me and them according to the sister, her sister won’t tolerate it. She’s gone and I feel a lot better because she’s not here and so I am not agonizing as much over it now and I’m sure she feels better because I am not asking questions because this is all news to me. The one thing I asked before I’d even go out with her was for her to never shut me out and treat me like my ex – had all the control, I could only talk to her when she called, otherwise I was SOL. Love is a word used far too often by people who don’t even know what the word means. It wasn’t one sided til all of a sudden. Hell, she tried to throw herself out of the car on the highway when I went with her to get my cat from the 24 hr ER Vet clinic. I am making her crazy?! I had to grab the back of her shirt and coat, while driving. Yet I am ALL the drama, I flip out and get mad and only maybe 3 times have thrown shit and cleaned it immediately and apologized, but it’s ok for her to throw shit. So confused with all the mixed signals. She was walking across the lot to her sisters’ and I gave her these movie tickets I got for us because I only got them for her. I really don’t like to go to the movies as much as she does, but we always were able to compromise and go sometimes. Anyway, she tells me to take my “friend” out. My friend is a former bi-curious girl who is only into men now and I am so not interested in her that way. She is a very religious person and I’m taking in all I can take, but why the jealousy if it’s so over? Using words, like not ready YET, not sure what the future holds, calling me honey… That’s playing mental and emotional mind games.

wundayatta's avatar

You can never know. People have all kinds of shit going on. You don’t know the psychological stuff that is happening nor whether they have told you their past history. They can get a mental illness. They can have some trauma that affects them strangely. There could be a million things that happen that make them stop loving you no matter what they said before.

Obviously, you’re in pain because of something that happened recently. You can vent about it, but no one can give you any kind of useful answer. You may never learn anything of use to you in future relationships from this one.

Your concern now is yourself. Asking for answers about her motives won’t help. She has to talk to you for you to find out what you need to know, and when she talks, she has to tell the truth. Who knows if she can tell the truth, even if she’s willing to talk.

So attend to yourself. Maybe get short-term counseling. Maybe learn mindfulness.Get involved in hobbies or hand out with friends. Wait until time passes. See what turns up. But no one can answer your question. Judging the sincerity of someone else is never very easy. Sometimes you get it wrong.

JoshT23's avatar

What a great question that almost everyone can relate to sadly. First off, the girl who said this too you most likely has no idea what love is. For that matter most people in our culture have no idea what love is. Haha i always KNEW what love was until i actually read the definition of what love was one day…. then for the first time i realized I never knew what it was… and for that matter our culture has no idea.

You ever notice how in almost every relationship, it starts out wonderful and exciting…. fall in love, etc. etc. but thats the high note… its all down hill from there until its over, sometimes its a slow hill… sometimes a steep one. And honestly the problem is ourselves. We wound the other person eventually. When that happens, if not handled properly, its like poison in the relationship, it builds resentment and chokes out love. After a few years you can see where this is going…. every single relationship i have been in has ended this way… and yeah honestly i feel i was wounded more than i did the wounding… but the result is the same.

But anyways love can grow unhindered i promise you, i know for sure because im living it now and have been for 4 years. Seriously every month with her is BETTER than the one before! And its because of understanding what love really is, and that its foundation is NOT emotion like our culture seems to think…. because if it is then a year from now when you day sucks and you get home from working +10 hours, your not going to FEEL like loving your wife…. its a choice bro, haha its a CHOICE! My love for my wife has absolutely no foundation in what my heart FEELS…. instead I lead my heart in what i know love is… and wow you would be surpised how much more you actually FEEL those emotions. It feels so much more intense than ever before, Its a by-product of choosing to love!

Why would anyone base a relationship on something so fleeting as emotions that can be taken away in an instance! Even without any real cause! But we all have done it, no one told us man… no one told me the truth. Now please know I am not saying emotions dont matter… oh they do very much, the truth is your heart should NOT be leading you, YOU should be leading it :)

Sunny2's avatar

@JoshT23 Welcome to Fluther!
“your heart should NOT be leading you, YOU should be leading it” . . . interesting statement.
You should fall in love with both your head AND your brain. A marriage may have ups and down, but reason should keep you together through hell and high water. After 50 years, the reasons I married my husband are still valid. The ‘being in love’ part matured into everyday true love. So my advice is: Use your head, your reasoning, your analyzing skills. Love is NOT enough.

smilingheart1's avatar

@spykenij , I know that I will love my deceased husband for ever. There was a lot of drama and trauma around his leaving this earth which made it a very painful parting. This was over three years ago now and after much, much, much prayer and talking it through with others, I have made the decision to be open to a new relationship. Because I am young at heart and I have come to see that they way to defy death is to celebrate life. I recognize finally that to accept a new relationship on its own merits is not to have to take a big either/or fork in the road. What we had was great and the best way I can stay open to life is to just get at it and participate as fully as I can. I have Christian beliefs and expect to see my deceased loved one again, however relationships in the next realm I believe will be much closer than they ever could have been here trapped in these limited bodies.

spykenij's avatar

The pain sears my heart and my brain. I know that I have been beating myself up a lot and I stepped back and realized that my parents were causing most of my problems because no matter what I do or don’t do, they attack me. It’s been said by my own family and her as well. Even close friends of the family see it. I just want to go back in time and avoid this whole thing. There are so many things I’d have done differently. I would have kept to myself more and left every person I started to have feelings for. Honestly, I wish I had never been with anyone ever. I really think I would be better off now, not having had any relationships. My heart would be a lot stronger and so would I, in general. I would have had more time for me and my walls would be strong as hell. I’d rather know nothing than know intense, white-hot, lightening-like, shooting pain pulsing throughout my body in angst. I am completely exhausted since Sept 20th. That’s the last night we slept in the same room. I fell asleep in her arms. Even at my mom’s I missed her horribly. Now I just can’t eat, I wake up every hour or less, can’t focus, can barely think or move. I am so on auto-pilot right now and I don’t know how to steer this current hunk of shit out of the storm. Sigh… :(-_ I don’t expect anyone to think my bullshit it ok. I can admit I have screwed up. I don’t take offense to every little thing she tries to teach me. Gotta rest for a bit or try to clear my head. I feel guilty even watching the Wii. We were broke, but she had to get a Wii. We were broke, but since I got a laptop for Xmas a few yrs back, she had to buy one. She has to have the best of everything and now she’s looking at expensive cameras that she will probably gung-ho for a few weeks and then it will collect dust. I told her I was absolutely fine with her using my laptop, but it wasn’t enough. She will fall on her ass and when she does, it may just be too late. I hate this.

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