Social Question

renee_chaine's avatar

I like my friend so much it practically hurts; What should I do?!? Advice, please?

Asked by renee_chaine (90points) October 3rd, 2011

Okay, well I need some advice about my friend who I really like. His name is Ricky and he’s 18 (I’m 17, 18 in a month). Ricky and I have been friends for something like 3 years, but recently we’ve gotten a lot closer. We met in dance class, but I stopped taking dance last year because my schedule was too full. Anyways, because I don’t see him at dance anymore, we’ve started spending a lot more time together, and we work together now. He’s the best, sweetest, kindest friend I’ve ever had. He’s so much fun to be around; He’s always so animated and funny and he’s the nicest guy I know. My other friends love him, and so does my mom, because he’s always so polite and everything when he comes over. Well, since we’ve been spending so much time together lately, I’ve realized that I like Ricky as more than just a friend. I reallyy like him, and I think he may like me, too, but I’m not sure. He compliments me a lot, and says I’m really pretty, and he likes spending time with me. Also, I recently lost my stepmom to cancer, and she was like my best friend. He was right there for me through the whole thing and even came to the wake and funeral with me, and he held me the whole time when I cried.

He’s also really touchy-feely with me, like he’s always hugging me, and playing with my hair, and he’ll come up behind me and rub my back or something. I’ve just never met another guy like him. My friends always make comments around him and I about us dating, because they all want us to. The other day, I was hanging out with Ricky and my friend Sarah, and I sat on the couch next to Ricky and leaned my head on his shoulder and joking around, Sarah said “You guys. You’re so cute. I’ll be at the wedding and when are you guys gonna have cute bi-racial babies?” Ricky sort of got quiet (and he’s hardly quiet) and looked down and he was like “I’ll be right back.” and went into the bathroom but he came out a minute later and he was totally fine. So first off, what was that about? I’m not sure if he likes me like that, though, and I’m more shy than him, so I don’t want to ask him. Last week, I went to my dad’s beach house for the weekend and he let me bring Ricky with me, and there’s only two bedrooms, so he told me Ricky could sleep in my room on an air mattress (my parents trust me. They know I’m not having sex until I’m really in love with someone, and they know Ricky isn’t going to try anything).

Ricky and I were at the beach really late and we got back around 1:30 am. We were really tired and I told him “Just sleep in bed with me, it’s fine.” and he was like “Are you sure? I don’t want your dad to be angry.” and I convinced him that it was fine, and I told him, “Besides, I’m cold. I want you to sleep in bed with me,” and he smiled and he was like “Okay, alright.” We laid in bed and talked for about a half hour, and then I moved closer to him, and I put my head on his shoulder, and I looked up at him without him knowing, and he smiled. When I woke up in the morning, I was pressed up against him and he had his arms wrapped around me and my head was on his chest, and I loved it. :) So I just want to know, does it seem like he likes me, too? What should I do? I want him to be my boyfriend so much; he’s so amazing, but I don’t know how to go about this… Advice??

Thank you!

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29 Answers

GabrielsLamb's avatar

Why didn’t you kiss? Or have you?

renee_chaine's avatar

@GabrielsLamb We haven’t kissed, no…

DeanV's avatar

Explain to him what you explained to random people on the internet. Either he reacts and something happens, or he doesn’t and maybe he’s not interested.

Zaku's avatar

What was the bi-racial babies remark about? Are you not the same race or culture? Are there taboos or disapproving family? I remember there were some great girls into me in high school but they were Asian and African and I was sure my grandparents would freak if it got really serious and honestly I wasn’t sure that was what I wanted either.

I don’t know what the actual answer is, but some possibilities include:

1) He is sweet and shy and you may work out as a couple. (But you do have quite a few years to finish growing up and you will both be changing through it.)

2) He might be gay or actually not into you that way.

3) He is not ready for a relationship.

Other things.

As for advice, I don’t think you have much of anything to lose by telling the truth and exploring the situation. Even if you find out it won’t work romantically with him, you are getting a great preview of your own ability to be in love with someone, and you can keep that for the person it will work out with. You sound sweet, you can write intelligently, and your family sounds relatively healthy, so you’re in good shape.

It also sounds like you can work your way into the subject at leisure.

gailcalled's avatar

@renee_chaine: Don’t quit your day job. This latest variation on your fantasy-of-the-day is not very original.

augustlan's avatar

Is there any possibility that he is gay? Anyway, the only way to know for sure is to ask him. Go do it.

renee_chaine's avatar

@Zaku Yes he’s hispanic and half black, and I’m caucasian. But neither of our families have a problem with us being different races. Both of our families are very accepting and open-minded, so it’s no problem.

renee_chaine's avatar

@augustlan He isn’t gay. He’s a bit more on the feminine side than most guys, but he definitely likes girls.

renee_chaine's avatar

And @gailcalled , I don’t know what you’re talking about or why you’re being so rude, but it’s unnecessary…

King_Pariah's avatar

@renee_chained I agree with what’s stated above about telling him how you feel, hopefully it works out for the best. And you’ll have to excuse some of us, some of us can be quite skeptical about young love since it rarely blossoms into the real thing (they pretend to be cynical but really are disappointed romantics lol)

perspicacious's avatar

This whole thing is a little trollish. I tend to back away from newcomers who want us to read novels. If you thought you might be pregnant I would know for sure. Giving you the benefit of the doubt I’ll say nothing in your novel was earth moving except the fact that you thought him sleeping in the bed with you in your parents’ home was OK. Maybe this is the first time a guy has given you butterflies in the tummy; it will happen again. Let the change to boyfriend/girlfriend be a slow one and enjoy yourself.

gailcalled's avatar

@King_Pariah: I love young love. The OP, who arrived today, is writing about events that sound very familiar. The details and the style are very similar to that of others who have come and then gone.. That is fine, if it is labeled as fiction..

Time will tell.

GabrielsLamb's avatar

Well then honey… what are you waiting for? How could you two be SO close and not kiss? I believe it’s all in the kiss… It is an undeniable attraction killer or detector. I have really been infatuated with people before that once I kissed them, I was like “wow, I might get better action out of a wet washcloth.” and then we’re friends and the pressure is gone. You have to do it to know… and if you see fireworks and hear choral music… It’s love!

gailcalled's avatar

One last thought. This essay has no mistakes: grammar, punctuation, usage, spelling, use of semi-colons and hyphens. Not bad for a 17-yr old, but I am suspicious.

(Well, one “who” that should be “whom,” but still?)

King_Pariah's avatar

I’m teasing ya gail, I mean we don’t want to scare off potential jellies do we?

renee_chaine's avatar

@gailcalled I apologize for not making grammatical mistakes, I guess? Haha There are actually well-read, intelligent 17 year olds out there, believe it or not. I know it’s super hard to process, but I’m actually a 17 year old who knows how to spell and use proper grammar without saying “LOL” and “Omg wtf” every other sentence.

King_Pariah's avatar

Oh and welcome to fluther. :)

Response moderated
augustlan's avatar

[mod says] Please assume the question is genuine.

Response moderated
gailcalled's avatar

As of right now, I am assuming…Sorry, @renee_chaine. (And a ha ha to you, too.)

Let the relationship flourish slowly. You don’t need guidelines. If you both are new to this, you can explore and use caution at the same time. Your intellectual maturity will be a perfect indictor of how to act on your sexual urges.

If I remember down the long corridors of time, in early days, it was clear when the boy was just as eager to try a clumsy kiss as I was (and vice versa). However for the first time with Ricky, avoid morning breath and either brush your teeth or kiss after you’ve gotten out of bed.

My parents trusted me without any question, but never, never,never would they have thrown down an air mattress for a teen-aged male in my bedroom. Living room, kitchen, hall, screened-in porch, garage, roof…yes. Autre temps, autre moeurs, I guess

Kardamom's avatar

I’m guessing that he was a little embarrassed about the “bi-racial babies” comment, not because he wouldn’t want to have kids with you, but because bringing up someone’s race, in and of itself is always akward. So I don’t think that had anything to do with him being worried about being with you, especially because your folks don’t have a problem with it.

I’m going to go back out on the limb that Auggie climbed out on. There is a very good chance, even though you might not want to or be able to see it, that your young man is gay.

I have had the misfortune of falling in love with one gay man (not dating him, finding out beforehand) one gay man, and actually dating another gay man (and finding out after the fact). The first guy, was a lot like how you are describing your fellow. Very outgoing, super sweet, helpful, nice, caring, liked my friends, enjoyed visiting my family etc. etc. And boy was he handsome and clean smelling and dressed nicely (not carelessly as with a lot of straight boys/men). He also was a little bit on the feminine side, which made him even more irresistible to me. He had not yet come out, he would have died if anyone had known he was gay, and he probably would have denied that he was gay in the early days.

The second fellow was also very beautiful and super outgoing and had a lot of common interests with me and liked my friends and loved to visit with the family and have long conversations with me on the phone. He did not seem feminine, though, in his mannerisms or the way he spoke or the way he dressed, but he didn’t seem interested in sports at all (he was a musician) and he liked kids and wanted to have kids (where most straight guys are iffy at best in the early days of a courtship). I started to suspect that he might be gay, when after we had been dating for a few weeks, and he was given ample opportunity to get physically intimate, he chose not to (kind of like with your guy, I can’t believe he didn’t take the oportunity to make out with you in bed, almost every guy, shy or not would have, that is if he was straight). So after he broke up with me (he picked an irrational fight with me, I’m sure so we would break up and he wouldn’t have to ever come clean) I found out that he had been with some guys, although he had dated lots of girls (which turns out was another way to hide his situation. He dated lots of girls, but not for long).

I’ve had this conversation with several young ladies on Fluther before. Each one of them insists that their fellow is not gay. No one wants to believe that the guy that they like is gay, but it happens every day. Gay men even fall in love with women and marry them (more so in the past than now) but they are still gay, even though you might never suspect by looking at them or talking to them or checking out how they dress or whatever. A lot of the gay stereo-types just don’t fit. I think most gay men, that are trying to “pass” as straight, don’t act in a flamboyant manner, but because your fellow was in your dance class (this is not true of every male by any means) but if you check out any group of male dancers or theater guys, there’s always a larger proportion of gay fellows, as opposed to say a math club or a baseball club or a Star Trek club.

You should sit him down and just gently find out (yeah, yeah, you’re shy, I know, but don’t use that as an excuse, it’s not helpful) You can say something like, “George, you really are so cute. We’ve been hanging out for a long time now and I think I’m beginning to have feelings for you. But I’m kind of curious why you didn’t kiss me, when you had the chance to. Are you just not interested in me like that, or is there something else? You can tell me the truth, no matter what it is.” Then if he likes you and isn’t gay, he’s going to tell you right away that he feels the same way. Then lean in and kiss him. Don’t wait for him to make a move, kiss him first. But if he gives you a nebulous or vague answer, you can pretty much figure out that he is very likely to be gay. If he actually comes out and tells you that he’s gay, try to remain calm and not get all upset, he’ll need your support at that moment. Or, on the other hand if he says that he likes someone else, ask him who, and then congratulate him and move on.

Don’t ever let this business of being shy or having “social anxiety” get in your way. I’m afraid the internet is partially responsible for all of this business. People don’t talk to each other anymore, not even on the phone, they either text or e-mail or FB each other. That has caused a lot of people your age to not know how to speak to people in person, but if you use your shyness as a crutch, you’ll never learn how to do it. So just figure out a time, hopefully this week and go over there (privately) and find out. If you wait around for him to make the first move, or tell you what’s going on, you could be waiting for years! You need to know the answer to the question now, so you can move forward. Good luck : )

renee_chaine's avatar

@Kardamom I definitely get everything you’re saying, don’t get me wrong. However, Ricky was raised only by his mom (lost his dad very young), which I think may explain why he’s a bit more on the feminine side? And he has made a lot of comments or jokes that definitely make me think he wouldn’t be gay. I would think he would tell me, too, if he was, because we’re so close, but I don’t know. I definitely see what you’re saying, but I really doubt he’s gay. Am I just being hopeful? I hope not. :(

gailcalled's avatar

The only way to find out is to ask him, and not us. Being gay has nothing to do with the sex of either or both parents or who raises a child.

renee_chaine's avatar

@gailcalled Oh no, no, I understand. I just mean that the lack of a father figure could be why he’s more on the feminine side than most guys, you know what I mean?

gailcalled's avatar

@renee_chaine: I still would have to disagree. Many many guys (sadly) grow up with no father figure in the home, which does raise many issues but not that of manifesting feminine mannerisms.

Kardamom's avatar

Growing up without a father has no bearing on whether or not a guy will end up seemingly feminine or not. Sexuality is not created or prevented by whether your parents are together, or you are raised by a single parent of the same or opposite sex, or even if your parents themselves, are gay.

Your friend, because he is still pretty young, may not want to admit to himself that he might be gay or bisexual, and he may not even know, himself, yet. But the way you have described him and his actions, it sounds like there is a very good chance of his being gay. Just because you have deep feelings for him and consider him to be a close friend, that, in and of itself is no guarantee that he would confide that fact to you, because most males who discover that they are gay know what an upward battle they are going to have to face (even in the year 2011) if anyone finds out.

This kind of situation happens more often than you’d think. One of my other friends (younger than me), fell head over heels in love with a long time school chum of hers, a kid she’d known since grade school, and every time she described him, he sounded gay to me, because of my previous situations. I’ve got pretty good gaydar now. He was also in the school theater program with her. A few years after high school, she finally made a drunken move on him and he finally told her that he was gay. But instead of her being supportive, she got very angry at him and actually stopped being his friend. She was heartbroken and angry because he didn’t/couldn’t love her, and it turned out that she was pretty homophobic when it hit her that close to home. It didn’t end well. But even though he had all of the classic characteristics of being gay, she had no idea until he was forced to tell her after her drunken attempt to seduce him.

You said that your friend has made some jokes that made you think that he wasn’t gay. Making jokes or disparaging comments about other gay guys is often a coping mechanism and a way to try to make everybody think that they are straight. Just look at all the married politicians who have supported anti-gay legislation and then have later turned out to be gay.

Your best bet is still to talk to him and let him know how you feel about him and ask him how he feels about you. If you just sit around and hope and pray for something to happen, it probably won’t.

AshlynM's avatar

Wanting to date a friend is a tough decision. On one hand, you don’t want to jeopardize the friendship. On the other hand, you won’t know anything could blossom between you unless someone makes the first move.

I’d talk to him first, see how he feels about the whole situation. If he doesn’t feel the same way, then at least you tried. Guys will come and go in your life. If he does feel the same way, then just take things slowly. Don’t rush.

VS's avatar

I personally feel that communication is the key to EVERY good relationship, boyfriend/girlfriend, parent/child, husband/wife, or just friend/friend. TALK to him about how you feel. Start out by saying you don’t want to do anything to jeopardize the great friendship you have, but you are beginning to think you might feel something more than just friends for him, and is there any chance he feels the same way. My friend’s son and daughter-in-law had the same issue. They had been friends since grammar school, hung out with other friends, and just assumed that neither felt more. She went to visit him in Florida, he told her how he felt, she felt the same, and they have been happily married for nine years. Speak up! He either feels the same, he’s gay, or he just isn’t into you that way. The only way to know is to say so! And I wouldn’t worry too much about making any bi-racial kids right now. Hopefully, you have a long way to go before that decision is even up for discussion! Good luck!

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