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AnonymousWoman's avatar

1) Were you spanked as a child? 2) How fearful of a person are you today?

Asked by AnonymousWoman (6523points) February 9th, 2012

I ask these questions together because I want to see if the two really relate. If you answer them, please provide the following details…

1) Were you spanked as a child?

- How often do you remember being spanked?
– What have you been spanked with?
– Did you always understand why you were spanked?
– Were you told?
– How did you feel when you were?

2) How fearful of a person are you today?

- Are you afraid of punishment? If so, which punishments are you afraid of?
– What are you afraid of (include everything)? How much of it has to do with being spanked when you were younger?
– Are you a perfectionist?
– Do you fear failure?
– Do you fear disappointment?
– How hard do you try to please others?
– How scared are you of consequences, even for minor and trivial issues?
– How scared are you to confront the person/people who spanked you about a problem you have with him or her?
– Do you feel like you have to defend the person/people who spanked you because you feel it would be wrong not to? If so, why?

Feel free to include anything you feel I’ve missed if you feel it relates to this topic of discussion.

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29 Answers

trailsillustrated's avatar

I was beaten silly as a child. I was also abandoned. I do not know if that had to do with what happened to me later. ( Drug addiction, all manner of exploitation, starting at age 13) Today I am middle aged and am caring for the parent that beat me. Does it matter? I don’t know. Do I care? No. The journey I have had, I cannot blame on anybody, but maybe I should. I just know that the parent that beat me and left me, I am now wiping the sweat off his brow and the gross spit off his lips. He constantly tells me,‘what am I going to do when you go home?’ ( back to our country) . Can I blame him now, a ww2 prisoner? I do not know. I am only doing what I feel like I should do. I have come to know the human being behind the evil face that I barely remember. I takes alot of work to shake the bad memories of our past, especially those whom have had bad childhoods. It need not be a part of you forever. PS . I don’t know if it is because of my life on the streets, or this, but I fear nothing. Nothing. And I have been if some hell trying circumstances.

King_Pariah's avatar

Beaten, spanked, thrashed, whipped, etc. It was definitely at the least a weekly thing as a child up until high school. Did I understand why? Yeah, well I thought I did, I have a better understanding now and know that what I thought then was only a portion of the entire reason I was treated so.

Now, I’m not a fearful person, I’m a bit shy, but I wouldn’t say fearful. I don’t try to please anyone but those I love, which is really only like 3 people. I’m definitely not a perfectionist, I don’t fear failure though it can be aggravating but then when is failure not? As for defending my parents, I understand that they were abused to even a worse extent than I and I watched as they broke the cycle of abuse. I kind of agree that you should judge a person by who they are and not were and they’re not the same people who threw me into walls and whatnot. However the resentment, anger, hate, those feelings will never fade towards them. I cannot and will not forgive those actions.

cazzie's avatar

I was spanked. I had a wooden spoon broken over my bottom. It was my mother. It was always a punishment for something I did and she and I knew why I was being spanked. I don’t remember how many time I was spanked. She changed to ‘grounding’ when I turned about 12.

I avoid confrontation and when I do have to confront people, I am a mess and blame myself. I am a doormat. I am manipulated by stronger people who use guilt and sense of responsibility to get me to take on their responsibilities, make their life easier and my life nothing but service to them.

I am sure this has a more complex root than just being spanked. Both my parents were alcoholics. They dried out when I was 11 and stayed dry.

Blackberry's avatar

I was more than spanked, and I did have a fear of authority. I didn’t even like to look adults in the eyes, and that took awhile to get over.

partyrock's avatar

I’ve never ever been spanked, or hit by either one of my parents or family members. If I had a kid I wouldn’t spank them. I don’t even hit or spank my cat. I’m glad my parents didn’t hit me as a kid or teenager, because knowing me, I would have hit them back. I love my parents more than life itself, but I think spanking is wrong. I don’t know. But wait until I have kids right? lol

partyrock's avatar

My sister spanks her son and it makes me feel bad… But then again, I don’t have any kids, and I don’t have a rowdy 5 year old to take care of… I won’t and can’t even bring myself to hit my own cat so I don’t even think I could hit my child. To me that is the same as punching or hitting my husband every time he does something wrong or disrespectful you know? I don’t understand spankings.

Bellatrix's avatar

1) Were you spanked as a child?

Yes.

- How often do you remember being spanked?

I can only remember it happening twice and both times it was because my dad lost it really.

– What have you been spanked with?

The slipper once. Quick slap with his hand the other time.

– Did you always understand why you were spanked?

Oh yes! I was pushing his buttons to the max! Hard to believe I know, but I could be a very stubborn little brat as a child.

– Were you told?

There was no need to be told. I knew I was doing wrong.

– How did you feel when you were?

Shameful. Not because I was smacked but because I was naughty enough to deserve to be smacked.

2) How fearful of a person are you today?

- Are you afraid of punishment? If so, which punishments are you afraid of?

No.
– What are you afraid of (include everything)? How much of it has to do with being spanked when you were younger?

Not much. Heights? Insects? No, nothing to do with being spanked.

– Are you a perfectionist?

Yes. Pretty much.

– Do you fear failure?

Fear no but I don’t like it and avoid it where possible. I try not to beat myself up too much if something doesn’t work out though. I usually dust myself off and look at why things didn’t work and whether it was about me or something out of my control.

– Do you fear disappointment?

No. Same as a above. Sometimes things I want don’t happen for a reason. If I really want something, I will keep trying for it until I am convinced it just isn’t going to happen.

– How hard do you try to please others?

I used to a lot. Now, not so much.

– How scared are you of consequences, even for minor and trivial issues?

I’m not scared of consequences. I have usually weighed up the consequences of taking any major actions and the small stuff… meh…

– How scared are you to confront the person/people who spanked you about a problem you have with him or her?

Not at all (and he is dead so unless I pull out the ouija board, could be a bit difficult).

– Do you feel like you have to defend the person/people who spanked you because you feel it would be wrong not to? If so, why?

No. I was behaving like a spoiled brat. My father reacted. Not his finest hour but he was human.

Feel free to include anything you feel I’ve missed if you feel it relates to this topic of discussion.

ucme's avatar

1: No.
2: I’m not

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Spanked whenever I deserved it as a kid, which was fairly often. I loved to raise a little hell every now and then. Still like it.
Fearless as an adult. I still like raising hell, just I have to be a litle more careful because I have a lot of people that look up to me and I have to be a good example for them.

WhiteWingDove's avatar

I was born on the tail-end of the ‘baby boomers’ (Ward & June Cleaver may have been our neighbors). Yes, if I mis-behaved bad enough, I was spanked, but there were levels of discipline that all 4 of us kids knew if we continued:

-Told No (given boundaries)
-Warned if we continued, the flyswatter would come out (consequences)
-Fly swatter appears
-Fly swatter used, threat of wooden spoon
-Wood spoon comes out (but was never used, think my Mom threw it on the floor once)

The times I got spanked with the flyswatter, I knew I had acted wrong. I can remember thinking, ‘next time, just stop yourself, this isn’t worth it!’.

I still have a healthy respect for boundaries because of this, but I am not fearful of authority. I understand there are consequences for actions. I am also appalled how in today’s American society, people are looking to weasel out and NOT be held accountable for their actions. In my book ‘Walk your talk’ and “You do the crime, you do the time’ are in the same lesson.

Also, was in a relationship(s) that turned abusive, with both individuals, when it got physical, I ended it.

filmfann's avatar

I was spanked whenever I did anything wrong. Also, whenever my brother or older sister did something wrong (I got the blame).

I am a perfectionist, and I always try to do the right thing, but I am not fearful.

redfeather's avatar

Yes, spanked often. Hands and spatulas. I always knew when I did something bad, so they didn’t have to tell me. I have a really fun, great childhood though and knew my parents loved me and knew that I got spanked and reminded not to do it again.

I’m not a fearful person.

marinelife's avatar

I never really connected the two things in my mind. It’s an interesting proposition, but I’m not sure that there is a connection.

I was spanked as the primary form of punishment when I was a child with a hand and with a belt. Sometimes it was a function of my father’s rage and not because of anything I did,

One memorable occasion my father insisted that one of us had taken his screw driver (he was trying to “fix” something). He lined us up in a line, would go down the line asking if we had taken itm and then would hit us with the belt when we said no. After it had gone on for a while and we were all crying, my mother intervened (the only time I remember her doing so) and yelled at him and told him to stop and sent us all to bed, The screwdriver turned out to be in his back pocket the whole time. My mother told me that the next day. he never apologized or admitted it.

I am fearful of spiders (nothing to do with spanking). I am reluctant to confront or cross male authority figures. More a function of enduring my father’s rages than the spanking per se.

Aethelwine's avatar

I was spanked just a few times by my father. Just a swat or two on my butt, not very hard. I knew what I was in trouble for and I knew my parents still loved me. It stung a little and I remember crying, but I also remember that I was crying for disappointing my parents, not because the spankings hurt. After a few spankings between the ages of 4 to 6 I knew there were some things I just shouldn’t do so I behaved as best as I could.

I’m 41, so I’m not quite sure what punishment I would come across at my age other than incarceration, and that’s not going to happen because I don’t break the law. I was arrested and put in jail for 36 hours when I was 19 for doing something really stupid. Those 36 hours put more fear in me than a few swats on my butt as a child. It was a wake up call and I turned my life around after that.

I’m not a perfectionist, I don’t fear failure because I know life is about learning from your mistakes and not all experiences are going to have the best outcome. I don’t fear disappointment but I’m not going to lie, disappointment isn’t the best feeling in the world.

I can’t really think of anything I’m fearful of. I’m just not a fearful person. Maybe being alone when I get older? Not having any family around me. That would be a bit scary for me I think.

My dad is the most loving dad and I’m lucky to have him in my life. He would do anything for me and my family, and does. I don’t have any reason to confront him about anything.

edit: I did just think of something I’m fearful of. Public speaking. I hate it! I’m a quiet person, a bit reserved. I hate being put on the spot like that.

tinyfaery's avatar

I was beaten with fists, thrown against walls and I had my head slammed through a window once. I was smacked in the head so many times that I lost hearing in one of my ears for several months. But more than that I was terrorized and walked on egg shells most of my childhood years, always fearing that any little thing I might do would set off my dad.

I am a perfectionist, but I don’t fear failure. My coping mechanism is never to care too much. I used to have a problem with male authority figures, but I grew up and out of that mind set.

I do have a form of PTSD, or so my therapist says. I jump at any quick movements or sounds and I overreact when these things happen. I can’t stop it. My mind knows there is no danger, but my reflexes do not. Really, I’m startled at the smallest unexpected noise or movement. Oh, well.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Oh, yes. I was spanked. A few time. But it was that old,“Wait till your father gets home!” thing. I hated the waiting more than the spanking! It was a very formal affair. Dad would explain exactly what I had done wrong, then over he knee and about 3 spanks. But his heart wasn’t in it because he wasn’t angry! He wasn’t there when I did whatever.

However, my mother was a very volatile person. She never physically hit me (except once, when I was 16 and much bigger than her. She slapped me. I picked her up by the shoulders, set her away from me and said, “Don’t ever do that again.” and walked away. I’ll never forget how thin and small her shoulders were under my hands.) She did a lot of yelling and a lot of insulting and that affected me far, far more than any spankings.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Yes, I was spanked as a child. I always knew why I was being spanked and I would get teary-eyed not only from the sting of the swat, but also because I knew I had disappointed my parents. When I was a little older (about 7–10) and the hand swat didn’t work anymore, an added part of the punishment was to fetch the little wooden paddle (a flimsy wooden ping pong type paddle) myself. Having to fetch my own spanking tool made me regret my actions even more. Knowing certain behaviors would earn me a spanking was an excellent deterrent.

I’m not a fearful person. I don’t really do anything that warrants punishment, though. I do worry about disappointing those that I’m close to, but I don’t “fear” it. I consider the effort to please my friends and family to be based on love and the desire for their happiness, not a fear of disappointing them.

thorninmud's avatar

I got swatted with a belt a few times, usually by my mother. She was never out of control of her own emotions when dishing it out. She really just thought this was what she needed to do to set me right. I always understood why I was being spanked, but the result was never remorse on my part; it just made me mad as hell. I eventually just told her, “Look, this is not the way to work with me”, and, to her great credit, she stopped and never spanked me again.

In contrast, I vividly remember my rebellious older brother getting savaged with a belt by my father on a few occasions. That scared the bejeezus out of me and set up an emotional distance between me and my father that never really went away. Ironically though, my brother grew to be closer to my father than I was.

I am a perfectionist, but not so much out of fear of failure; I just like the challenge and satisfaction of a job well done.

I don’t fear disappointment because I don’t indulge much in expectations.

Being well thought of means more to me than it should; this is something I constantly work on. I guess, in fact, that just by going out of my way to answer all these tedious details for you, I’m catering to that desire. So screw it.

OpryLeigh's avatar

1) I was spanked (or smacked as we tenbd to say in the UK) as a child for behavior that my parents consider naughty/bad.
– I only remember being smacked a couple (maybe three or four at the most) times.
– I was only ever smacked by my parents hand. No objects.
– My parents always explained way they felt I needed such strong discipline if it came to it and yes, I believe I did understand what caused them to do it.
– Yes I was always told, my parents never smacked me without telling me why.
– I didn’t enjoy it very much but I can’t remember feeling traumatised at all. I learnt fairly quickly that I didn’t like being told off (whether I got a smack as well or not) so I always tried to be on my best behaviour.

2) I am fearful of certain things( mainly loss). I am fairly anxious and worry about people I love a lot.
– If I feel like I have done something wrong (either at work or to upset a friend or family member) then I worry. I am only afraid of punishment that could be difficult to overcome like losing my job, for example.
– The only thing I am really afraid of is losing the people most important to me. I am terrified of something bad happening to them. I also worry about financial issues and the idea of being homeless or jobless terrifies me. I don’t really think these have anything to so with being smacked on the odd occassion.
– I’m not much of a perfectionist unless I am really passionate about something. There are times, when the passion isn’t there, that I can be lazy and take the easy option over the one that will produce the best quality of work. This is a fault of mine.
– If something is really important to me then yes, I fear failure.
– It depends on the kind of disappointment. I don’t enjoy it but I wouldn’t say I fear it.
– I hate to feel like I have let someone I care about down or given them reason to dislike me.
– I worry about consequences when it will have serious impact on my life but if not then I try to chill out about it.
– I have no fear at all of confronting my parents about issues if I feel I need to. I have a fairly honest relationship with both of them and I am very close to my dad in particular.
– I will defend my parents if I feel that they deserve it. I believe my dad is a very good, honest person but I very rarely need to defend him because he doesn’t have many enemies. My mum and I have had a rocky relationship in the past (mainly due to her being a fiery personality and me being a stroppy teenage girl) and so I wasn’t always willing to defend her. Nowadays we get on much better and I will defend her if I feel it necessary. I don’t appreciate anyone bad mouthing my parents because they smacked me a few times in my childhood (this madmouthing has only really happened online) mainly because I feel that, if any one should have bad feelings about it, it should be me and, especially as I don’t, no one else has the right to judge my parents decisions.

LezboPirate's avatar

1) Were you spanked as a child?

- I was spanked pretty regularly.
– Paddle, belt, big spoons, coat hangers, switch, high heels. Whatever was handy.
– I understood.
– I was indeed told. In advance, usually.
– My butt, and sometimes my back, hurt and I was very angry.

2) How fearful of a person are you today?

- I..don’t like to displease people.
– I doubt any of my fears have to do with being spanked. Spiders, closed shower curtains.. I also have this odd fear, only sometimes, that my finger prints are going to end up at a crime scene and I am going to end up in prison.
– I am far from a perfectionist.
– I fear failure. But just a little.
– I do not fear disappointment, as most everything is a disappointment now.
– I try as hard as I possibly can to please others. Usually that entails not speaking. Which people take to mean that I think I’m too good to talk to them. But really..I don’t want to upset them even more with my words.
– I know every possible consequence for everything, I think. But somebody has to, or my friends would just run wild without thinking.
– I’m not scared to confront them about problems. What are they gonna do? I’m 22 years old.
– No. I do not feel like I have to defend them. But I do, if they need defending.

I tell you, none of the problems I have are from being spanked. Not at all. I turned out pretty great in comparison to the kids who did not get spanked. And I’m rather thankful for it. Sometimes it was a bit much, but I’d rather go through it all over again than end up like everyone else.

LezboPirate's avatar

Also, My Dad only spanked me once in my life. And my Mom never spanked me. Not one single time. My Step mom did the spanking.

HungryGuy's avatar

1.) Nope. Never.

2.) I’m not fearful at all. I love wild rollercoaster rides and I can be a bit of a daredevil at times.

Pandora's avatar

I was only hit 3 times in my life and I only remember two of them. One I deserved and one I didn’t and the 3rd one was more like hit out of anger. I was little and don’t remember that far back but I told my mom that I wished she was dead. My mom said after that one time if she so much as looked angry my way, I would go white and pass out before she could do anything so she avoided even looking angry because she was afraid I would drop dead from fear. LOL
Next time was when I was about 10. Long story. Not my fault. And then about 14 or 15.
But no it did not make me grow up fearful. Fearful of angering my mom. Maybe. But that feeling passed the last time she hit me.
It actually did the opposite. I was the type of kid that if someone started a fight with me, I didn’t care if I got hurt so long as I made you hurt as much. If anything it almost made me a bit too cocky. Once I almost got in fight with the wrong girl. What I mean by that is that she wasn’t the type to believe in a fair fight. She was pissed at me for getting mouthy with her and I thought come and get me. Until I found out she belonged to a gang and had been known for some stabbings and was in the same summer work program as I was because it was a part of her probation. Then I cooled my jets and laid low for a while.
But no. The spankings I did get didn’t make me fearful. If anything I found anger would over-write any physical pain.

Berserker's avatar

My mom used to hit me, either with her hands, usually slaps, or with objects like wooden spoons, and sometimes she threw things at me, or trashed my whole bedroom. I usually understood why, or at least she made her reasons clear, whether they made sense to me or not. Usually they did, but she was pretty good with psychological fuckery, like guilt trips and things. She was also a big alcoholic, might still be, haven’t spoken with her for like 15 years. Some things I didn’t understand then, but I do now. Like how she played people or had that knack at making them feel bad. Which kind of freaks me out. Why do I understand it, because I posses general knowledge, or because I’m just like her? I don’t wanna find out, I’m never having any kids lol. She also went out with this dude who was really violent and beat the crap out of her, and smacked me around some too, but my mom got the way worse end of it. My dad eventually got custody of me, and that was the end of that. He was also an alcoholic, but he never once hurt me in any way. Because of his problem though, I did spend a lot of time in group homes because he never had any money to provide for me. I was rocked back and forth from those to him again, and until he lost whatever job he got or failed whatever treatment was required lol, but those times were way better for me than the ones before.
Still, he helped me a lot with some of what I went through with my mom.
How did I feel when my mom hit me, well I just let it happen and hoped it would be over quick haha. Of course I was scared as hell too. I either brushed it off if I could, or went somewhere and cried.

Today I’m not afraid of anyone physically, unless they show alarming signs of incoming physical aggression. But I did grow up to be really shy and insecure and always afraid of what people would think of me, and me trying to please people, but only if they came forward to me, and if I interpreted some kind of expectation or another. Kind of is like that today, but I made some good progress, especially with the waitressing jobs I’ve had which helped me to communicate with people a lot better than I did before. I guess those things might have to do with some of what my childhood was like with my mom, since whenever I dealt with her, I put it up to her being like a really strict teacher who asked me a question I didn’t know the answer to; I just hoped whatever random thing I said was what she wanted to hear. XD But I really don’t know how much any of that has to do with what I am like now. Prolly some of it does, but I completely hate the idea of me being shaped by crap that happened before.

I’m kind of a perfectionist, but only when it comes to myself. I’m a neat freak so I can be well in my environment, I love putting my books, movies, magazines and video games in whatever correct order I decree at wtv given time, and when I play video games, I love wasting hours trying to get some item I’ll never use, just for the sake of having a complete item list in said game. As far as social expectations, I don’t care, and only go the extra mile if it helps me pay the rent easier haha. But that’s kind of me lying, since there is still a streak of me trying to please people or be accepted by them, even if my outer image shows the complete opposite. It ain’t so intense as before though. In that sense, I AM scared of failure and consequences thereof, but I can deal with it. Usually, I’m too paranoid, when some actual thing might come up and then see that there really wasn’t all that much fuss. i never seem to learn though haha

As for confrontation, I guess I’d be scared of it if it happened, or at least really nervous. But I have no desire to get in touch with my mom, and she’s made no attempt to contact me after all this time, and it can stay like that. It’s not a hatred or contempt thing, I’m just fine not dealing with it lol.

Jude's avatar

Is it hard for those who were physically abused as a child to show love or tell people that you care for them?

Having been through sexual abuse as a child, trust is a big issue for me. Showing and/or telling others that I care for them, not so much.

MollyMcGuire's avatar

I was spanked. I’m not fearful today. I did not spank my own children. They DO spank their children. This blows up the theories of how spanking perpetuates itself.

likipie's avatar

I was spanked once and I’m pretty sure it was my brother’s fault. But I can honestly say I’m not anymore fearful than I would’ve been if my parents hadn’t spanked me. My mother spanks my little sister when she’s not being good and it doesn’t seem to influence her emotions at all. My parents decided after they had my little sister that it was a better idea to spank with a spatula or a ruler instead of your hand because then your child won’t associate your hand with discipline but rather the “spanking instrument”.

rooeytoo's avatar

There is such a huge difference between discipline (a swat on the bottom) and abuse which is most anything more severe than a swat. That difference seems to be ignored today and any sort of physical action is considered abuse. Words can be as abusive if not moreso than a swat and sometimes that is forgotten.

My mom had a hairbrush and the threat of use of said hairbrush was usually more than enough to bring my brothers or me into line. I do remember her using it on my bottom one time and my pride was much more injured than my body.

I don’t think it had any deleterious effects on my psyche.

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