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Marchofthefox's avatar

Can't tell if my boyfriend is cheating?

Asked by Marchofthefox (787points) November 13th, 2012

Hi, all.
I’ve recently gotten into a new relationship and he’s a very nice guy, we talk a lot, we’re very comfortable with each other, everything seems fine. But, he has a friend, whose a girl, who lives a few hours away, and when he goes out of town, he’ll stay at her place. I’ve read a few of their messages between each other, and from what I see, she loves to flirt with him. He’s told me, she is aware of who I am, and everything is fine and if I needed to, I can read his emails. But, I’m not sure how to bring this up, how do I ask? I’ll tell him, what you’re doing is hurting my feelings and he tells me everything is fine, he’s just looking for work out in the city and I’m overreacting. Am I overreacting? Sometimes, I feel like he’s hiding things from me and I don’t want to start a big argument.

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16 Answers

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I asked a question along the same vein a while ago. Someone answered when you have to ask the question you have your answer.

chyna's avatar

I’d say to go with your gut feeling. What you do about that is up to you.
If you think he has something going with her, he probably does.

Marchofthefox's avatar

Uh, oh. Thanks, guys!

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Marchofthefox We’re looking in. We don’t know for sure. Only he knows.

jca's avatar

I am curious about some things which I would look at if I were you:

Why is he going out of town? Is it for business? is it specifically to see this girl? Is it to do something else and he hooks up with her (stays at her house, whatever) because she is part of a group of friends, or supposedly coincidentally he ends up with her?

If she is not a girlfriend and there is nothing to hide, then in order for things to be transparent, she should know about you. Why does he not take you on these trips out of town and why can’t you meet her if she is just a friend of his and nothing more.

I think if he can have you in one place and have her in another, as long as this arrangement suits him, in other words as long as he has her over there not knowing about you, and you over here believing she is just a friend and believing his tales, and maybe having sex with you and maybe having sex with her, it would be to his advantage to tell you whatever placates you. As long as you believe his stories, he can continue getting his dick wet from two different girls.

Marchofthefox's avatar

@jca Thank you, thank you.
I’m going to keep this in mind and hope for the best.

jca's avatar

@Marchofthefox: Please let us know how things turn out. I wish you the best and I know that sometimes relationship issues can take up a lot of space in your head.

DrBill's avatar

If you don’t have trust, it is over already weather he did it or not.

Marchofthefox's avatar

@DrBill You’re right, you’re right. I just need to know if this girl really does know who I am, and if she does, I’ll feel better. I just don’t know the correct way to ask him for proof, we talk about this a lot and I want the tension to stop.

jca's avatar

@Marchofthefox: As I stated in my question, or should I say as I asked, why doesn’t he take you on these trips out of town and why can’t you meet her and you all hang out, if she’s just a friend? I know you’re young, but will your parents let you go? If so, then I’d tell him hey, next time you go, I can go too! See how he reacts to that one!

Marchofthefox's avatar

@jca That’s my plan! I’m old enough, he’s 22, I’m 18. Maybe he feels I’m too young..

jca's avatar

@Marchofthefox: Why does he go out of town? You mentioned something about looking for work. Are you sure that’s what he’s doing?

augustlan's avatar

We really don’t know if he’s doing anything wrong, but you have a gut feeling that he’s hiding something. He may be, but even if he isn’t, the fact that you don’t trust him is a red flag anyway. That doesn’t bode well for the future of the relationship, either way. Either he’s cheating on you, or your mistrust is unwarranted. Either thing is no good.

deni's avatar

Why don’t you tell your boyfriend, if she is such an important figure in his life, you’d like to meet her. That might solve a lot of things you are wondering about. I think you’d be able to tell faiiirrrrly easily, maybe.

livelaughlove21's avatar

Reading his emails, wanting “proof” this girl knows about you, getting your feelings hurt when he spends time with her…

It’s obvious you don’t trust him, or you wouldn’t be asking these questions. It doesn’t matter what he’s doing, because if you don’t have trust in a relationship, you shouldn’t be in that relationship. Plain and simple.

rojo's avatar

Try talking to him and explaining how you feel and more importantly, why you feel this way.

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