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kaye88's avatar

Would stripping (romantic) love of its meaning be helpful when attempting to get over an ex?

Asked by kaye88 (10points) September 19th, 2013

Long story short, my ex and I broke up just a couple of weeks ago. Although he’s an amazing guy and we’re compatible on pretty much every aspect of our lives, he is still trying to get over his ex of 4 years who inflicted a lot of emotional pain in him (she was manipulative and cheated on him badly). According to him, he has no positive feelings left for her, but he’s still angry and insecure because of what she put him through and, unfortunately, all those negative feelings were starting to haunt him in our relationship. As a result, he thought it would be best if we broke up because he realized that he still needed time to heal.

We’ve remained friends and check up on each other every so often. I still care a lot about him and my opinion of him (nicest, most genuine guy I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting/dating) will never change. But I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to allow myself to move on.

These past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster of ups and downs. Some days I’m ok and can go about my day just as before. But then there are the really bad days, when everything I see/hear/touch/smell reminds me of him and all I can do is curl up under the covers and cry until the pain goes away.

I’m usually an emotionally strong person and can easily talk myself out of having a bad day; looking at the bright side of things is a specialty of mine. However, this breakup is throwing me for a loop and I can’t find the energy to feel happy again. Which brings me back to my main question: Would dissecting love and stripping it of its meaning give me back control of my emotions? In other words, would a pragmatic, non-emotional description of why we fall in love (and why love hurts so much) be a logical way of getting over a breakup? If so, where can I find something along the lines of what I’ve described here? Care to share your own logical thoughts on love?

I’m sorry if this doesn’t make much sense, but I suppose I’m just trying to gain some perspective so that I can let go of my ex without feeling so much pain.

Thank you in advance!

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9 Answers

snowberry's avatar

For starters, here’s a little music to dissect by:

ItalianPrincess1217's avatar

You could. But it might be dangerous. If you get too deep into the scientific reasons humans fall in love, it might cause you problems in your future relationships. You might have trouble ever falling in love again because you allowed yourself to be brainwashed with scientific facts. I think the best thing to do is allow yourself to hurt. That’s how the mind and heart will heal. It’s a natural and normal process following a breakup. Embrace it but don’t allow yourself to dwell too long. It might be a better idea to cut off contact with your ex. Being friends might seem alright for now but it’s causing you to hold onto hopes that might lead you to a dead end.

anniereborn's avatar

It sounds to me like you may have a whole lot of built up emotions inside you if you always try to “control” them. Perhaps you are reacting so strongly because this is the “straw”. Allow yourself to feel these feelings and heal. However long that may take.
I don’t think deconstructing love will do you any good in the long run.

kaye88's avatar

Thanks guys!

@ItalianPrincess1217 and @anniereborn I understand what you mean, I really do, but I just can’t bear to do this love thing all over again. It just hurts too much and it never gets easier.

Even though my previous ex was a horrible person (he was a compulsive liar and cheated repeatedly until I found out that, not only had he been cheating on me, but he was also married to someone else), it took me forever and a day to get over that relationship. After over a year since breaking up with him, I finally met a great guy who was everything I’d ever hoped for (and more) and who felt the same about me, but due to our past emotionally abusive relationships getting in the way of our current one together, we had to call things off. So I don’t know that I’ll ever get over this one, considering how kind and sweet he’s been to me; but whether or not I do, I just don’t want to go through any of this again. If it means closing myself off to love, then so be it, I suppose. I just want to know that love is stupid and unnecessary. I’d rather be alone and content than in a relationship and anxious that it’ll be just a matter of time before I get my heart broken again… In any case, thank you for your input! :)

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

It is reasonable and appropriate to retain positive feelings about someone who was part of your life for an extended person if you feel that way but you need to accept that you are no longer in love with them. You should avoid being alone with them where sexual intimacy for old times sake may create pain and confusion.

Often when a relationship ends, there is no much anger and hurt feelings that it is hard to remember what it was about them you valued so highly. Unless you still have children you produced and parented together, you don’t have to have any contact or interaction with your ex at all.

I hope this helps.

zenvelo's avatar

I’ve been dealing with a similar situation myself. My ex had the opportunity for a really good job but she had to move a few hours away. We are still close, but needed to end the relationship because of the distance.

My way of emotional dealing with it has been to want what is best for her, not what is best for me. My feelings for her are that she finds what makes her happy. By expressing what brings joy for her, it opens room in my heart for what is best for me.

Looking at what you have said, it seems you are letting him go for what is best for both of you, not that there was anything that he did that engendered anger. In many ways you have a healthy way to move on, it is just a bit of grieving you need to process because of what was once promising is now no longer available.

Give yourself time, don’t try to force it. Analyzing “love” isn’t it, cry, talk to friends, write in a journal, mourn the relationship. And then remember you are being strong in a non-angry way and wish him the best.

gm_pansa1's avatar

This is going to sound so lame, but time really does help in healing. It’s normal to be emotional after a break up.

zander101's avatar

I feel it can however it may cause some limitations of reciprocation towards your future partner. Especially if they end up falling for you and your unable to return it back, it begins to be a game of “what ifs” for the both of you. One thing I learned about human beings is that feelings do govern how they approach situations and in the matters of the heart it’s always tricky and complex, individuality and communication is key to sustaining any relationship whether if it is romantic or not. In moving on @zenvelo and @Dr Lawrence’s suggestions are amazing ways to start the healing process. At the end of the day you need to do what’s good for you and everything else falls secondary, love is a transformative experience it takes the human perception to places that are beneficial to those involved, however in contrast can be dangerously destructive. Use your experience as a foundation towards looking forward instead of looking back.

SmartAZ's avatar

Some celebrity whose name I have forgotten said that a breakup should always be a noisy affair with lots of insults and bags thrown out the window. That way it is crystal clear that the relationship is over and there will never be any chance of making up. I thought the guy was a total jerk, but that part of his system makes very good sense. Your bf’s problem is that his relationship is not over for him. He doesn’t need to heal, he needs to give up hope and get on with his life. People always feel better after they give up hope.

What you are doing, being supportive, is so sweet… I just hope it works for you. But don’t wait very long. If this guy doesn’t let his past go, then you need to give up hope and get on with your life.

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