In your opinion, what should parents try to teach their children when it comes to friends and behavior around others?

If you don’t teach it when they’re young, how are they going to learn it when they’re older? When we teach them to say, “Thank you,” I think we’re also teaching them the beginning emotion of gratitude when they’re young.

I think it’s important to teach tolerance, too.

To teach them to do nice things for others without expecting a reward.

Critical thinking skills are important. I used to tell my kids ridiculous stuff sometimes, then ask them if they thought it was a fact or fiction. We’d go through the process of determining that.

GQ, @jca.

I think you cannot go wrong with the Golden Rule. It’s a good foundation to start from.

Similar to @cookieman‘s guidance, I always tried to get my kids to empathize with other kids in a difficult situation.

And that is where manners come in. Manners are not some strict rule, but a means of making other people feel comfortable and appreciated. It’s not “The Rule” to say thank you; it is a matter of appreciating that someone has done something or given something to you.

And, it is just as important after someone thanks you to say “you are welcome”, because it recognizes the humility o the other person.

Manners make everyone comfortable.

Etiquette is very important to me. Please and thanks and holding doors and eating with a knife and fork. You don’t have to like everyone but you do have to be respectful. All people are people no matter what they look like. Don’t use words you don’t understand. Ask questions, take chances, and make mistakes. Never start a fight but don’t run from one either. Take care of those who are smaller than you. Work shared is work halved; fun shared is fun doubled.

All children and families are different. A child who autistic might need quite different guidance to the child who is gregarious and popular. For that reason I don’t think there can be any real rules. Your child is undoubtedly quite different to mine and you know how best to guide her.

I have always placed the emphasis on values rather than rules. So I’ve tried to teach my children to be thoughtful, kind, to be accepting of difference and to avoid judging people based on what they think they know. There’s usually information they don’t have. I’ve always encouraged them be inclusive and to try to put themselves in the other person’s shoes. The situation you experienced recently was quite the opposite of inclusive. When my children experienced that sort of situation, I tried to help them to learn from it. I remember my daughter wanting to join the Brownies. A lot of the girls in her class were part of a particular troop. When she and a couple of the other girls tried to join, they were told there were no places and then other ‘popular’ girls were given a place after that. I was going to go down there and complain, but she thought about it and said if that’s how the parents and kids were, she didn’t want to be part of that group. We both learned something that day. She experienced and learned to deal with the negative side of people and I got confirmation of what an amazing daughter I have.

If we teach our children good values the rest will follow. Sure rules and manners are very important, but they don’t outweigh being respectful, considerate, and accepting of others. Sometimes people aren’t going to behave how we expect them to, I think helping them to learn that minding our own manners, attitudes and behaviour is more important than minding other peoples.

Respect. Calling the Mister and Mrs, sir and ma’am. Remembering please and thank you.
And of course, don’t embarrass the parents.

Children generally follow the example of their parents.

I’m quite hot on table manners so for me that’s important. I’m not sure I feel comfortable saying that other people should have the same table manners as me, but my children are being taught to hold their knife and fork a certain way, to eat a certain way, to behave at the table in a certain way. I don’t think this is important or a particular benefit to society, it’s just something I find nice.

I do teach them to say please and thank you and converse nicely with people. I have to encourage my younger daughter to speak to people but I make her do this, even though she’d rather not. I also discourage them from behaving in ways that inconvenience others. I think it’s important to behave in ways that follow society’s basic rules, ie the actions that smooth things along.

In terms of dealing with other’s behaviour which does not follow these rules, table manners are fine – I don’t really care. I don’t like seeing food being chewed but I can look away. Not saying please and thank you. is different. I do encourage young people to say it – I give a lift to my daughter’s friend and she would get out the car and not say thank you. I started saying ‘Here we are’ as we draw up to her house to which she invariably replies ‘thank you’. I also do the same when I say goodbye to the girl guides(scouts) that I help with. Saying ‘have you had a good time tonight?’ means that they always say ‘yes, thank you’.

It is a different thing though helping your child to deal with other’s behaviour and helping them modify their behaviour if it is them causing a problem. I’ve had both. It’s mostly my younger daughter now, so if there is a problem with her behaviour then I would try to get her to see it from the other child’s point of view – ‘how would you feel if she did that to you?’ If she doesn’t want to play with a child, she doesn’t have to but I do encourage her to make sure someone is not left out. When she was having a problem recently with one girl we talked about ignoring the behaviour and playing with other girls. I also tried to tell her that if she was bothered or showed that she was upset at being treated badly by this girl, that this would encourage the girl to behave like this again. She did seem to get this and has moved on to other friends. It is about learning to deal with others not just removing yourself from a tricky situation, although this is a good move if all else fails.

@zenvelo and @Seek: Completely agree on all points.

When I was little, my mother encouraged me to deal with people and not be shy. She told me when she was little, she was painfully shy. With my daughter, I try to do the same thing. We’re staying at a resort now for the week and they have a wine and cheese social event on Monday nights (which was last night). She told me she didn’t want to go and she wanted to stay in the room (she’s 9). I told her this is how you get to know people and make friends. We went and there were empty chairs at the table with us. A guy sat down and we made conversation. He was retired, told me about his work, other places he travels, his family that was with him at the resort, and then his wife joined us briefly. They talked to my daughter too. I tend to want to be alone, too, but I force myself to do some social things because I don’t feel that it’s always good to want to hole up. In talking to this guy we learned about other places he travels and where he lives (which was near a vacation spot we just went to a few weeks ago). I feel like it’s good to get outside your comfort zone sometimes, especially when traveling. That’s how we learn about other nice places to visit and nice places to stay.

My daughter tends to be shy, and what I have learned from the four years she’s been at school is that the girls tend to play in ways that can be exclusive (kind of what @Stinley talked about, and what I talked about on the other thread I linked). I found that, too, when I was little. “We’re only playing with second graders and you’re in first grade.” “We all have this reindeer and if you don’t have it, you can’t be in the Reindeer Club.” Girls can be snobbish and hurtful. I don’t think boys are that way. Once at my mom’s house, it was me, my mom and my adult sister. My daughter talked about one girl at school and how she said “if you are friends with so-and-so, I won’t be your friend.” We told her we have all experienced that, and to play with who you want to play with. I don’t think boys do that. Nobody likes stereotyping but when I talk to other parents, they all say that’s the way the girls can be and it’s not like that with boys.

The area I live in has a lot of affluent people and they tend to be snobbish. We are fine not hanging out with them. It bothered me in the beginning but not now. I’m really nice to the other parents when I see them but then I “keep it moving” meaning I don’t stick around for much idle chatter.

I think of the 1980’s movie “Pretty in Pink” where Molly Ringwald was kind of quirky and got shut out by other students, but she found her own path at school.

I try to teach my daughter to talk to people and I do feel that saying thank you is important. I teach her table manners. My mom spent a lot of time – a lot of time teaching me to hold the fork properly, cutting meat with the right hand and switching the fork and knife, etc.

My folks taught me what was OK at home, as far as table manners, and the more strict manners required at a formal dinner.
No elbows on the table either way, though. And chew with your mouth closed.

LOL! We had taken my son, his wife and kids out for a casual dinner. I was sitting next to my 2 /½ year old. At one point I said, “Chew with your mouth closed. Closed!”
My son says, “Well, what do you know Zoe. Gramma has exactly the same rules that I do!”

Boys can absolutely be snobby and cliquish.

Some of them tend to react with violence toward outsiders too. More than girls, I think.

respect for people
respect for other people’s belongings
kindness
manners and politeness
a religious doctrine (God of Abraham)
independence

^^^^ Agree with all, @disquisitive, except the insistence on religious doctrine. Why would we want to do that? And why, of all religions, would you insist on Judaism, Christianity or Islam?